MY LOVER, MY FRIEND: FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGE
“This is my lover, this is my friend.”
— SONG OF SONGS 5:16
Roger and Marcie have been married eighteen years and have relatively low conflict. They make most decisions together and parent their three children effectively. Though they know how to do fun activities together, they both feel that they have become roommates who get along well but have little emotional connection. Their sexual relationship is rare and unfulfilling.
Chiyo and Kwan both work full-time and have two children with very busy, extra-curricular lives. They spend time together as a family but have little time for just the two of them. They continually interact with simmering irritation and frustration. They can’t remember the last time they’ve been on a date and feel a lot of frustration and anger about their sexual relationship.
Eduardo and Rosalie were recently married and have busy lives in their ministry. When they do spend time together, they spend it talking about people they are helping. Their intimate physical relationship is minimal, and they have lost much of the emotional connection they had while dating.
Mark and Sylvia have been married twenty-seven years and have raised several children, who are now all out of the home. They argue frequently and loudly. They both express that they have no emotional or sexual intimacy. They don’t do anything fun together and rarely talk beyond needs with their children and grandchildren and what things need to be done in the home.
There may be parts of these stories that seem familiar to you. Life is busy. Children take a lot of time. Conflict can make intimacy hard. Prioritizing time for the two of you can be difficult. It is also true that for many couples, the sexual part of their relationship is not mutually satisfying, mostly because the overall intimacy in their relationship has been neglected. Couples hear descriptions about what marital intimacy should look like and sometimes feel those words do not describe their marriage. Their friendship has become weak, and their level of emotional intimacy and fun is low or non-existent. But why is it important to have a chapter on relationship intimacy in marriage in a book focused on the sexual relationship? The truth is, sexual intimacy has a much better chance of going well and being mutually satisfying when there is a foundation of strong friendship and emotional connection.
What exactly is relational intimacy and what does it look like? In research, intimacy has been defined in many different ways: as verbal and nonverbal communication that makes people feel accepted and results in a commitment to one another; as reciprocal self-disclosure, a vulnerable sharing of the self with each other that leads to feeling intimate; or as a belongingness and togetherness that has developed from shared emotional interactions.1 Intimacy usually involves intimate interactions (like touching and sex) and intimate conversations (sharing feelings and experiences). Some spouses define intimacy as self-disclosure, the face-to-face sharing of the self. Others define intimacy as the laughter and fun of doing adventuresome things together. All of these areas are vital.
The couples in Jennifer’s sex therapy research2 described intimacy in a variety of ways. Here are some of their exact words, captured during the research study:
Closeness and connection: a close relationship between two people
• Close physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually
• Meeting each other’s needs
• Needing each other, wanting each other
• Being on the same page
Intimate Knowing: a sense of really knowing someone
• How they feel, how they think, how they respond
• That they know the same things about you
• Trust that allows you to be comfortable in being who you are
• Trust that allows the other person to be who they are
Safety: having a safe relationship
• Confidence in one another
• Someone to lean on when times are difficult
• Feeling safe with your partner emotionally
• Being in a safe, loving, nurturing environment
• Feeling loved, supported, and cherished
• Giving your spouse the same feelings back
Vulnerable sharing: being close to someone, enough to share
• Able to share all of your past openly with no fear of judgment
• Emotionally vulnerable
• Trust, security
• Willingness to share yourself completely (emotionally, sexually, spiritually) with your spouse
• Communication on a deep, personal, soul-baring level
• An exchange of self/selves
• Being able to communicate deep feelings knowing those feelings will be affirmed
Being Real: when we allow ourselves to be seen
• Not trying to misdirect people from who we are or trying to sell them a ‘better’ version of us
• An honesty leading to vulnerability with our emotions
Empathy: emotional intimacy
• Feeling comfortable with someone
• Understanding and having empathy for their feelings
Fun together: sharing activities that both enjoy
• Watching romantic movies
Prioritizing the other: the mutual experience of love, caring, self-denial and self-sacrifice
• Putting the relationship before yourself
• Nurturing and honoring that relationship
Physical and sexual intimacy: kissing, cuddling, being in close proximity to each other
• Being held
• Laying down, resting my head on his lap
• Showing affection to your mate
• Smiling, touching, hugging, texting, calling, dating, and intercourse are all included
• Sexual intimacy, touching, kiss, holding hands, cuddling
• Sexual connection between a man and a woman
• It is more than just physical—it should bond the couple.
Spiritual connection: praying together, studying God’s Word together
Unique, exclusive connection: knowing someone like you know yourself
• Relating to someone on a level that is deeper than a common relationship
• Connected in a special way
• Being very close to someone
• Talking with them about things that you would not talk to others about
• Sharing feelings and thoughts you would not easily share with just anyone
Almost all of the couples that gave these definitions had come into therapy longing for these things or for the return of these things in their marriage. It was amazing to watch these desires become much more of a reality as they began to work hard at the relational and sexual intimacy in their marriage. And they did have to work hard. As they did so, their scores on intimacy measures changed dramatically. The moral of these stories is that for most couples, when they make an intentional and purposeful effort to nurture the kind of relational intimacy in marriage that God intends, the results can be life-changing and encouraging.
Intimacy in Marriage
Harley, in His Needs Her Needs, uses the idea of a love bank and explains how the lack of intentional nurturing impacts relationships. When a literal financial bank account is full, car problems that cause a withdrawal from that account usually create minor anxiety. But if that bank account is already low, a car breaking down and needing new, crucial parts can create havoc and stress. In a relationship, when the emotional love bank account is full, a disagreement or hurtful comment will cause a withdrawal from the relationship account, but since there is so much capital in the account, so much cushion, the pain of that withdrawal is usually not difficult to overcome. When the love bank is already dangerously low, that same disagreement or hurtful comment can result in great distress and hopelessness.
If you are regularly contributing to the bank account of your relationship, you will have a foundation, a cushion, that provides a buffer from the pains and hurts that even close companions inflict on each other. The contributions may include talking through life, feelings, hopes and dreams, engaging in conflict in a way that builds closeness, spending fun time together, doing small acts of kindness for each other, and engaging in affectionate and intimate touch. If, however, there are not a lot of contributions being made to your relationship—if you do not talk openly and often, or share your hopes, dreams, and fears, or laugh and play together, prioritize time together, or work through conflict constructively—the emotional bank account in your relationship may be low and withdrawals may wreak havoc.
Ask yourselves, husbands, how are you doing at bringing happiness to your wife (Deuteronomy 24:5)? Ask yourselves, wives, how are you doing at bringing contentment to your husband (Song of Songs 8:10)? How are you doing at intentionally putting deposits into your marriage’s emotional bank account? There is no question that a healthy, vibrant marriage takes work. It can be fun, rewarding work, but it is work. As John and Karen Louis explain in their book I Choose Us, mature love, in comparison to the infatuation early in a relationship, needs nurturing. So how should we do that? Let’s start with how your humility is doing.
Humility
Improvement in the sexual relationship is usually quite dependent on the level of willingness to take ownership of our faults. It takes humility to recognize your mistakes, sins, and character flaws and to respond well when someone else points them out. Humility, or the lack thereof, strongly influences how much change happens for you as an individual and for both of you as a couple. This is all the more true when pursuing emotional intimacy in marriage. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,3 describes this type of humility as the ability to be influenced by your spouse. He found that a predictor for divorce was whether men allowed themselves to be influenced by their wives. However, this can be true in both directions. Les Greenberg, a therapist and researcher in Toronto, has written about couples that experienced infidelity.4 He found that the ability to feel and express remorse, that humble response of taking full ownership, had a very strong association with whether the couple reached a point of forgiveness. Even researchers have found that the ability for each spouse to humbly take ownership of their part in any problems in marriage can have a significant influence on the level of intimacy a couple is able to reach.
The concept of humility, though rarely discussed in the world of psychology, can be what truly creates genuine, lifelong change in your marriage. For the disciple of Jesus, this means truly understanding the sacrifice God made on the cross and the incredible love and mercy God gives to those who have been rescued by Him. As the apostle Paul wrote, truly understanding love from God can compel you to no longer live for yourself (2 Corinthians 5:15). Being humble and truly learning to consider your spouse as better than yourself (Philippians 2:3-5) and following the example of Jesus can have a significant impact on how well a couple is connected emotionally and relationally. Test yourself (2 Corinthians 13:5) and see how you are doing in your humility towards your spouse.
Nurturing Intimacy: Face-to-Face
Nurturing marital intimacy often means getting to know your spouse all over again. Gottman5 talks about the importance of truly knowing your spouse, having an intimate map of the territory of their lives and knowing all the little things about their world. Having a clearer understanding of the map of your spouse’s life can deepen your connection. Face-to-face intimacy is the reciprocal verbal sharing when a couple spends time together talking from the heart. It creates the safety, intimate knowing, and unique connection described by the couples quoted above. This kind of sharing, of learning what is on your spouse’s map, might include learning what their day was like, what relationships are hard for them, what their favorite childhood memory is, what their hopes and dreams are, and what couple or individual they most admire and why.
How are you doing on knowing things like this about your spouse? How is your detailed map of their inner life? Really knowing your spouse’s world is integral to genuine intimacy. The truth is that many married couples, after dating, engagement, or early marriage are past, put little time or effort into nurturing their emotional intimacy and their intimate knowledge of one another. As we have led our married ministries, I (Tim) have seen how many couples tend to coexist and morph into a “roommate” mentality, describing their relationship as a partnership rather than a marriage filled with emotional connection. We all need this kind of intimacy, but we do not always do the work to get there.
There are several things you can check to evaluate how well you are nurturing your face-to-face intimacy. How much do you engage in casual talk? How much are you engaging in more vulnerable discussions? Do you feel like your spouse truly understands you, and do they feel you understand them? Do you draw your spouse out and ask them questions, or do you merely ask, “How was your day?” and accept their “fine” as enough? Do you know what your spouse is worried about? Do you know how they feel about your marriage, their relationship with God, your jobs, your children, and their parents and siblings?
As a couple, we recommend reading a chapter like this and discussing how you each feel you are doing in this area. This conversation alone, when it is done in a way that is not in frustration and does not involve any attacking, can put you on a road to deeper intimacy. To continually nurture your knowledge of one another, work on increasing how much you talk together. You can do this in various ways, such as making sure you spend time together each day talking, going out on dates or going for walks to talk about life, and even by using communication cards like those we mention below. Ultimately, in the midst of busy lives, you have to intentionally change how much time you spend together talking and sharing.
Nurturing Intimacy: Shoulder-to-Shoulder
Building your emotional love bank in your marriage also includes spending fun time together, doing small acts of kindness for one another, and having simple moments of connection. Shoulder-to-shoulder intimacy is the friendship time and adventure part of marital intimacy. There are several things you can check to evaluate how well you are nurturing this shoulder-to-shoulder intimacy. Are you going on dates? How are you doing at getting time away, just the two of you? How often do you enjoy recreational activities together? When is the last time you did a service project together?
When we do workshops or when Jennifer sees couples in therapy, we give couples homework to go on dates. This seems elementary, but it is crucial to building intimacy. There is no substitute for time together. Prioritizing this kind of time together goes a long way in building relational intimacy and filling up the love bank.
Some couples need help in finding mutually enjoyable activities to do together. Harley has a section in His Needs Her Needs on recreational companionship that we recommend; it helps couples explore ways they can connect again in fun, enjoyable, creative time together. The companion workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, has a simple, detailed worksheet that takes about twenty minutes to fill out. It helps couples identify how they like to relax or have fun together and guides them in choosing new activities to engage in, ranging from card playing to sports, from gardening to dancing, or from rock climbing to museums.
We also give couples a Cup Exercise (described below) where both the husband and wife write requests, put them into a cup, and then do those things for their spouse that week. These requests might be simple things like a five-minute foot rub, sitting on the porch at night looking at the stars together, or putting a note in a lunch being taken to work. Fun together often starts in the small moments at home.
It is also important to note, as we are discussing how to get close, that couples sometimes have a difficult time figuring out the balance between how much time they spend together and how much room they allow in the relationship for individual pursuits. This balance of separateness and togetherness includes understanding how comfortable each of you are with independent activities (the separateness) and how you negotiate individual interests, time alone, or time with friends. This also includes how you both feel about the amount of time you spend together (the togetherness)—if you get anxious when you are apart, if you ever feel smothered, or how you respond when you feel like you do not have enough time together. Honestly evaluate your balance of togetherness and separateness. Like we’ve mentioned, a simple way you can evaluate this is to read this paragraph and ask each other about these different areas.
Spiritual Intimacy
“Two are better than one. They have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. If two lie down together, they will keep warm. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
— ECCLESIASTES 4:9-12
Together. The cord of three strands, husband, wife and God, is strong. Together, a couple can win battles. What is amazing is that being in that battle together also has some perks. You get to keep each other warm. These are the definitions of friendship in this scripture: helping each other up when you fall, keeping each other warm, battling the enemy together. Psalms 34:3 says, “Glorify the Lord with me. Let us exalt His name together” (emphasis added). Spiritual intimacy can be nurtured in so many different ways. Praying together. Serving together. Sharing with each other what you learned in your quiet times. Teaching another couple the Bible together. Praying together when you have conflict between you. Going to the cross together and putting your eyes on Jesus. Together.
For some of you reading this, you were both disciples of Jesus when you got married, and you probably had some dreams of being a spiritual team. It can be very helpful to do a checkup and ask yourselves how that is going. How much have you nurtured that part of your relationship? How are you doing at laboring together spiritually? How is your partnership in the gospel? How are you doing being God’s helper in getting your spouse to heaven? We all fall down. We all mess up. Do you pick each other up when you fall, or do you criticize each other? Do you know how your spouse is doing spiritually? We mentioned earlier how important it is to have a love map of your spouse. How good is your love map of your spouse spiritually? Do you know what they struggle with spiritually, what scriptures inspire them, what spiritual dreams they have? How well do you know their spiritual world?
The scripture quoted above teaches that two are better than one. We can help each other be better spiritually. The unique opportunity for a couple that follows God is to defend against Satan together. “Though one is overpowered, two can defend themselves” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). It is vital to remember the spiritual battle in which we are all engaged. Satan is the enemy, and as a couple we can fight against him. Talk about how your together is going spiritually. How can you as a couple more consciously and purposefully glorify God? Below we have included a list of questions to prompt a good spiritual conversation. Let this be a starting point or a booster to deepening your spiritual intimacy.
Strengthening Your Relational Intimacy
As you look at these different ways to strengthen friendship in your marriage, you may want to choose one thing and put it consistently into practice. That small, continual change can have a huge ripple effect. We recommend, if you do not do this already, start with praying together every night (or day depending on your schedule). Below we have included various exercises to start you along the path toward that ripple effect. Talk about this chapter together. Talk about it also with those you are close to. Remember, make sure the tone you use when talking about all this is open, genuine, and without attack. Then pursue some of the tasks below.
So What Happened?
How did the couples mentioned at the beginning of this chapter overcome their difficulties? Each of them came in for sex therapy. However, their overall relationship intimacy needed attention in order to improve their sexual relationship. Roger and Marcie (who felt like roommates with little emotional connection) learned how to work through the fears and risks that come with genuine vulnerability and began to be intentional about their time together both in and out of the home. This ended up making a huge difference when they worked on their sexual enjoyment. Chiyo and Kwan (who had a lot of irritation and anger and very little time together) had to do some hard work on how they attacked or withdrew during conflict. When they put regular, fun dates back into their schedule in order to intentionally prioritize time just for the two of them, and experienced some victory in feeling connection through conflict, their sexual intimacy improved dramatically. Eduardo and Rosalie (who spent time helping others but not much with each other) had to make a significant shift by prioritizing their relationship over their ministry responsibilities. They got back to laughing and genuine sharing that went a long way toward working on the difficulties they had been having in their sexual relationship. Finally, Mark and Sylvia (who argued a lot and had very little intimacy of any kind) worked hard on getting rid of harsh words and damaging interactions. When they did this, they were able to start enjoying one another again for the first time in years. As their friendship rebuilt, affection returned, and it was then that it became possible for them to work on their sexual relationship.
For each of these couples, as they grew in conflict resolution skills and rebuilt their friendship, they also worked on becoming more spiritually intimate and sharing what they were learning in their time with God. It goes without saying, but we will say it anyway—each of these steps in nurturing friendship in marriage will have a significant influence on how well your sexual intimacy improves.
EXERCISES
Relationship Intimacy Exercise 1:
Building Intimate Communication Skills
Purchase: The Ungame (Couples Version), The Love Map (Gottman), and The Intimate Marriage cards: Decks 1 & 2 (Konzen - see back page for ordering information)
We often give out the decks recommended above in the order they are listed as couples work at deepening the levels of vulnerability and intimacy in their relationship. We recommend doing these types of card games daily. The daily use is very important. This simple addition to your day can create significant change. Determine a time of day that will work for both of you. Using the cards suggested can lead to months of healthy, encouraging, interesting, and much needed conversation.
* If conflict in your marriage is high, it may not be best to start with cards that ask about your relationship. You may instead want to start with the less personal All Ages version of The Ungame or another set of cards called Chat Pack.
Directions:
1) Using one of the card decks above, decide who goes first.
2) The spouse who goes first takes a card from the deck, reads the card, and answers it.
3) The spouse who is listening then reflects what their spouse has said.
4) Now the other spouse’s turn. Take a card, read it, and answer. The spouse reflects.
5) Spend five minutes each day alternately answering and reflecting. If needed, set a timer to keep your time to five minutes. When the timer goes off, put the lid on the box. Keeping it to five minutes helps ensure that you will continue to do this on an ongoing basis.
6) For the person answering the card: keep your answer to two or three sentences. Too much information can flood your spouse and make it difficult for them to reflect.
7) During the five minutes of answering and reflecting, do not comment on your spouse’s answers or have a conversation about the topic. It should go something like this: Your spouse picks a card, which says, “Tell your spouse your favorite holiday.” Your spouse answers, “My favorite holiday is Christmas.” You reflect your spouse’s answer saying, “Your favorite holiday is Christmas.” You now pick up a card and answer it, with your spouse reflecting.
* Note: This kind of rote reflection may seem empty and shallow. However, in our experience, learning to just reflect what your spouse says is an extremely important part of building better connection. Your spouse will thank you for becoming such a great listener.
8) When the five minutes are up (and your timer goes off), put the lid on the box. After the lid is on the box, you can talk further, ask your spouse questions, and discuss your answers as much as you want.
9) The most important part of the exercise is that you DO IT DAILY! If you are not consistent in daily participation, this could end up being just one more thing you try that has little impact.
Relationship Intimacy Exercise 2: Prompt and Reflection
* Recommendation: Before doing this exercise, make sure that you have a good handle on the Validation Protocol (found in the chapters on The Speaker and The Validator). Also, make sure you’ve been doing the card exercises above for long enough to have a good handle on answering simply, listening carefully, and reflecting.
Check your level of anxiety as you begin this exercise. If your anxiety is high, you may need to pause and breathe, share your anxiety with your spouse, or wait until a later time to do the exercise. Be patient and gracious with one another. We do not recommend forcing yourself to do these kinds of communication exercises or making your spouse feel coerced.
Each of the sentence prompts below are about things you do or have done that make you feel close and connected. As explained in the directions about the Prompt and Reflection exercises, before you begin, sit in two chairs that can face each other. Husbands, sit with your knees spread. Wives, tuck your chair in so that your knees are touching your husband’s chair. Get comfortable and then take each other’s hands. When you share your sentence, look directly into your spouse’s eyes.
Decide who will start first. Whoever goes first begins with the first prompt and finishes the sentence. The spouse then simply reflects the sentence (just mirror it back, not adding any interpretation or rewording). Then the spouse who is second begins with the first prompt, and the spouse who went first reflects. Do this for each prompt. For some of these prompts, you may be sharing something from the history of your relationship. Begin.
1) “I feel close to you when _____________.”
2) “I really enjoy doing _____________ with you.”
3) “It is hard for me to feel close to you when you ____________.”
4) “Something you have done that made me feel connected to you was _____________.”
5) “Something you have done that has made me feel cherished was _____________.”
6) “You make it easy for me to talk to you when you ___________.” After doing all of the above prompts, ask each other:
7) “Is there anything I’ve said that you want to ask me about or have me explain?”
Relationship Intimacy Exercise 3: Spiritual Intimacy
Using the questions below, sit down and have a genuine conversation about how you are doing spiritually and ways you can grow as a spiritually intimate team. You may decide to just use a couple of the questions to start and then do some more later. Decide who is going to go first answering each question. As your spouse shares, reflect what you have heard each time after they share.
* Remember to balance how much each of you is speaking. Think of the Validation Exercise and the Keep it Short rule. If you are the spouse who uses more words to explain yourself, be more concise so that you do not flood your spouse with too many words. If you are the spouse less likely to share much, your spouse may be hungry to hear your thoughts and feelings. Stretch yourself and share.
1) What concerns do you have about your own spiritual walk?
2) What was your toughest spiritual decision?
3) Who is your favorite character in the Bible and why?
4) What would you go backwards in time and change spiritually if you could?
5) What are areas of strength in your marriage spiritually?
6) What do you believe and think about heaven?
7) Where would you like to be at spiritually as an individual?
8) What is a spiritual doubt you have?
9) What characteristic of God’s character amazes you the most?
10) What do you believe is your greatest spiritual strength as an individual?
11) What is an area you feel you need spiritual accountability?
12) What is an area you feel you need to grow the most in your spiritual intimacy as a couple?
13) How do you feel you are doing in living out your discipleship in your marriage?
14) Who is a couple you admire spiritually and what do you admire about them?
After having this time together, share about what is was like to talk about these things and about any discomfort or encouragement you felt. Discuss ways you can continue to do this. Allow this exercise to spur more conversations over time.
Relationship Intimacy Exercise 4: The Cup Exercise
Both of you take two small slips of paper and write a small request for your spouse on each one. Make your requests small and simple—something that can be done around the house in five to fifteen minutes. It may be a head massage, cuddling outside on the hammock together, watching the stars on the porch, or writing a small note to put into a lunch or briefcase. Choose two cups, and each of you puts your two slips into your cup. Sometime in the next week, take out your spouse’s slips from their cup and do them. Refill your cups each week.
Relationship Intimacy Exercise 5: “Dwell on These Things” (Philippians 4:8)
This is an exercise many of us have heard about when we go to marriage retreats. Writing out a list of what we are grateful for in our spouse is a great recommendation for any couple. It is important that as you do this, make it genuine. A couple who taught this once admitted that there was a point in their relationship where all they could put on their list was that they were grateful their spouse brushed their teeth. Hopefully your list will be longer!
1) Read Philippians 4:8—read this in several versions and feel free to use the words we have suggested below (we have used the NIV and Holman versions) and any from other versions you would like.
2) On a blank piece of paper, write out the word “true.” Next to that word, write out what is encouraging and true about your spouse.
3) Write out the words “noble” and “honorable.” Next to those words, write out what you have seen in your spouse that is noble and honorable.
4) Write out the words “just” and “right.” Next to those words, write out what you have seen in your spouse that is just and right.
5) Write out the word “pure.” Next to that word, write out what you have seen in your spouse that is pure. Continue with the words lovely, commendable, admirable, morally excellent, praiseworthy.
6) Write the word “strengths.” Add any other characteristics, abilities, actions, attitudes, strengths, talents, etc. that you see in your spouse.
7) Remember—be real. Be genuine. If your list starts small, that’s OK.
8) With God: Now spend time praying about each of these things, telling God the good things you see in your spouse.
9) With Others: Throughout the next week, share these things with multiple people. Talk about your spouse this week with others—when you are at church, with friends, at work, or with our kids. Without mentioning this exercise, tell them about your spouse. It is especially important that this part of the exercise is genuine. Share the things you can say from your heart that you truly believe about your spouse.
10) With Your Spouse: When appropriate, share this list with your spouse. You can also share simply, “I was talking about you at work today. I was telling my friend that I really appreciate how talented, kind, hardworking, (fill in the blank) you are.”
Relationship Intimacy Exercise 6: Recreational Companionship
Purchase Harley’s His Needs Her Needs and the workbook The Five Steps to Romantic Love. Read the chapter on Recreational Companionship. Then fill out the Recreational Companionship worksheet in the workbook. Identify two or three activities with the highest scores. Of those, choose one to put into your schedule now. You can make plans for putting the other ideas into practice in the future.