“I walked all the way around the whole school to avoid a group of kids that would call me fatso.”
“My parents always talked about my big butt… My mom would always say, ‘so round, so firm, so fully packed.’”
“They would say things like if you stood sideways and stuck out your tongue, you would look like a zipper.”
“I had a boyfriend that dedicated the song [to me], ‘Fat Bottom Girls make this Rocking World Go Round.’”
“I didn’t ever feel very pretty. Definitely did not feel very pretty.”
“[My dad] put my older sister on a scale in front of all of us [so] I wanted nothing curvy, and any body part that was attractive I would try to hide it.”
“My mom, she would just never eat at the table. She’d put all the food on the table and then always talk about what she shouldn’t eat. ‘I shouldn’t eat this, I shouldn’t eat that.’ She still does that.”
“The whole body image thing, like I always want it under the covers in the dark, pretty much.”
Why discuss body image in a book on intimacy and the sexual relationship? The words above are quotes from women in a research study exploring their experiences of shame in connection to sexuality.1 Most of the women in the study had associations between feelings of shame about their body and shameful feelings about sex. Each of these women spoke about how these early comments about or experiences with their bodies affected how they viewed themselves sexually as an adult. They described how they wanted to cover up their bodies during sex, how difficult it was to be naked in front of their spouse, and how they preferred sex with the lights low or off so that their spouse could not see their body.
Women Jennifer has worked with in therapy share that they sometimes prefer to be partially dressed during sex for fear that the fat around their waists will be seen. Some express that when they picture themselves in the midst of orgasm, they feel deep levels of embarrassment and discomfort at the thought of what their body must look like in such an unrestrained state. They flinch when the body parts they do not like are touched during sex. They prefer not to be hugged or held if it means that their husband’s hands might touch their body fat or the parts of their body they are insecure about.
Women often express the desire to feel pretty but share that no one had ever told them they were pretty, they did not perceive themselves as pretty, or their parents or spouse rarely or never told them they were pretty. Where women rank themselves in the spectrum of beauty and attractiveness (though these concepts are strongly influenced by society and media) can have a significant influence on how they feel about sexuality. This can be especially true if their spouse has made negative comments about their body or level of attractiveness. This can also be true of the more sexual parts of their body. For instance, if their breasts developed early, having large breasts might have made them feel unattractive or embarrassed. They might have experienced a desire to cover up their breasts and sometimes share that they do not want their husbands looking at or touching their breasts.
These are just some of the many different ways that body image affects the marital sexual relationship for women. When men talk about body image challenges, they express things like feeling small, feeling like they do not have enough muscle tone or enough muscle mass, or being concerned with weight and body fat. Some men have shared that they only look at their faces in the mirror because they feel that the lack of musculature in the rest of their body makes their body unattractive. Men sometimes wonder if being “skinny” or not having an attractive, muscular physique might be the reason why their wives are not attracted to them or why they don’t initiate sexually. Men also talk about being overweight and wonder if their wife’s lack of interest in sex is due to a lack of attraction. When sharing about the parts of their body they do not like, men have expressed that they feel insecure about the amount of hair on their body, especially on their backs, the lack of broad shoulders, their facial and chest hair, extra weight on their torso, and other specific body features (feet, ears, etc.). Men share about denigrating comments made by their spouses about their body, their weight, or how they were disparaged by past sexual partners or others for the size of their penis. Some men express an overall negative view of their penis due to its perceived smaller size. Others, who are larger, more muscular, and are perceived as more overtly masculine, feel their wives expect them to be more accomplished lovers. This can be especially problematic when a man is perceived as sexually attractive (due to size and features) but does not have a high level of sexual drive.
These concerns about the body are reflected in research on sexuality. Internalized body objectification and body self-consciousness have been associated with sexual dysfunction and a negative view of the sexual self, the adult sexual self-schema.2 Christian women who received negative messages about sexuality from their families or their churches often have a history of both sexual abuse and objectified body image.3 Body image for both men and women has been connected to challenges with sexual desire, initiation, frequency, enjoyment, sexual satisfaction, the ability to achieve orgasm, and feeling sexually unattractive.4 When someone has a negative body image, this can cause an aversion to sex and a greater self-consciousness during sexual activities that makes it more difficult to relax and allow arousal to build.
On the other hand, women who have a positive sexual self-esteem do not usually have the same level of concern with the appearance of their body during sexual intimacy. In general, the concerns with body image for women are usually centered around the stomach, hips, thighs, legs, and increased fat in the upper back.5 Men who have experienced body shame and objectification in connection to the lean, muscular body image ideal in the media may have experienced problems with sexual arousal, pleasure, erectile functioning and orgasm.6 Both men and women who feel their bodies have been disfigured by surgery or illness tend to be more sexually inhibited.7
General shame about the body has been known to cause emotional and physical withdrawal, decreased eye contact, slumped posture, negative self-comments, and inappropriate emotional responses.8 Versions of these responses also occur during sexual interactions. This can cause people to hide their body, to cover up, or to have strong emotional responses when sensual and sexual touch happens. It can also lead to internal negative dialogues during sexual interplay or withdrawal from genuine emotional or physical contact during sex. Sometimes this leads to spectatoring, when someone goes into a third-person perspective as if seeing themselves from above, becoming preoccupied with and watching how they are performing sexually. Men and women may engage in wondering and worrying, with almost hypervigilant attention, how they are performing sexually and how they look to their partner. Low body image can also lead to avoidance of romantic or intimate interactions. All these worries are reflected in plastic surgery statistics.9 The number of plastic surgeries have doubled in the last fifteen years and Americans spent almost $13 billion in 2014 on plastic surgery, with the greatest procedures being breast augmentation, nose surgery (rhinoplasty), liposuction, eyelid surgery, and facelifts.
Understanding these overlapping challenges with body image and the sexual self-image is important when helping couples who are working on improving their sexual relationship. Women with poor body image have a more difficult time with doing sensual touch exercises that might be recommended or are found in books. In order to improve the sexual relationship, it may be necessary to improve their overall body image before exploring sexual intimacy. One of the first steps may be to understand how God views the human body. Most of us have heard of the scriptures about the body being a temple and that gluttony is a sin. We are often unaware, however, of other scriptures explaining how God views our bodies. It can also be helpful to reevaluate what influences our view of the human body and how media has a significant impact on those views. Couples can also learn to openly discuss body image concerns and explore how these concerns affect the marital sexual relationship.
God’s View of The Body
“You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
—PSALM 139:13
How does God see the human body? According to the author of Genesis, when God created the world, at the end of each day He declared, “It was good.” The day He created Adam and Eve, “male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27), He said, “It was very good” (Genesis 1:31; emphasis added). According to the psalmist, when God knit us in our mother’s womb, He did a wonderful work. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). The Hebrew word, fearfully, or yare, means afright, to cause awe and astonishment. The Geneva Study Bible states it well. “Considering your wonderful work in forming me, I cannot but praise you and fear your mighty power.” When we look at the pinnacle of God’s creation, the forming of the male and female body, it should produce reverence and awe when we see the awesome majesty of God as portrayed in our body. We look at majestic mountains and at the vast and powerful ocean and we praise the amazing power of the Almighty God. Yet do we do the same when we look at the human body?
When you look at another person’s body or when you look in the mirror at your own, do you focus on the appearance or are you amazed by the Creator? For most of us, it is probably the former. Just as the above research shows, as a society we tend to focus on weight, fat, and muscles rather than on the intricacy of God’s handiwork. The apostle Paul speaks a bit about the body. He calls our body a temple (1 Corinthians 6:19). Many have said that people need to stop doing certain things in order to treat the temple of God’s Spirit with honor (1 Corinthians 6:20). However, we often fail to say, “Wow, my body IS a temple.” That one shift in thinking can completely change how someone approaches his or her body. Not “I should be treating my body as a temple of the Spirit” but “My body IS a temple of the Holy Spirit.”
So how are we supposed to view the body? What does the Bible teach about health, eating, and fitness? We know we are supposed to be filled with awe when we contemplate God’s creation of the human body, but where does self-control of the flesh fit in? The scriptures shed some light on these questions. We are to honor God with how we use the body (1 Corinthians 6:20). We should not be gluttons or riotous eaters (Proverbs 23:2, 20). We are called to be wise and self-controlled in how much we eat and the type of food we eat (Proverbs 25:16). When we do eat and drink, or do anything else for that matter, we should do it in a way that glorifies God (1 Corinthians 10:31).
Jesus grew in both wisdom and stature (mature, bodily strength) (Luke 2:52) and the wife of noble character worked vigorously and had strong arms (Proverbs 31:17). We need to control our body in a way that is holy and honorable (1 Thessalonians 4:4) and are called to subdue our bodily passions (i.e., sexual immorality, 1 Corinthians 9:27, 1 Corinthians 6:13-18) in order to receive our reward in heaven. We should use our body in such a way as to help others get there as well (Philippians 1:20-22). We are to love God with all of our strength (Mark 12:30) and to offer our bodies as living sacrifices to God (Romans 12:1). When we fear the Lord and shun evil, there are health benefits (Proverbs 3:7-8). The apostle John even prayed for Gaius’ health (3 John 1:2).
Our society has continually changing trends in physical health, fitness, weight loss, and diet fads. Some trends focus on nutrition, health, and overcoming illness. Many of these trends are more like idolatry of the body and are focused on appearance. Some people completely ignore health and medical findings and live in ways that damage their health or harm their bodies. Whatever our personal view, as a culture, we clearly have a fascination with health, fitness, and the body. Biblically, it is clear that controlling our flesh, using our body for God, and being strong are good and godly things. The danger for many disciples of Jesus, however, is that we can buy into and focus on the worldly view of the body (thinness and muscularity) rather than on feeding the spirit. Paul warned Timothy of this. He explained that physical training of the body could yield some benefit (i.e., in order to pray), but that there was a more lasting, eternal benefit to be found by training in godliness (1 Timothy 4:8). What is important to understand is that the term physical training in this scripture refers to refraining from sex and certain foods. This is not a reference to exercising, such as working out or running. Paul also warned the Colossians that human rules, such as do not eat or do not touch, would have no value in restraining sensual indulgence (Colossians 2:23). These kinds of rules look wise and humble, but are mere human teachings, and in the end, even research shows that they do not work very well in attaining a healthy body.10
In our current culture, with the intense focus on outward appearance, it is important to reclaim what the bible does say about our bodies. Ask yourself, are you looking at your body as a tool and means to give to others, to promote the gospel of Jesus? Are you aware of how much you have bought into the world’s focus on weight, dieting, and the body ideal? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your body is amazing. When you fail to see your body this way, you may fail to grasp the awesome power of God that is at work in you.
Your Spouse’s Body
How do you feel about, think about, and talk about your spouse’s body? This is a loaded question. The world presents a constantly shifting standard of what makes up attractiveness. None of us (even models, actors and actresses) can measure up. A look at how the Lover and Beloved talk about each other in Song of Songs can be very instructive and challenging. For husbands, the Lover says of his Beloved, “You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7). What woman would not like to have her spouse say this to her? Look at the words he uses to describe her (4:1-15 and 7:1-9): lovely, delightful, pleasing. And when he speaks of her body, he talks in detail about her eyes, hair, teeth, lips, mouth, temples, neck, breast, navel, and waist. He even compliments her on her breath and her voice. He tells her she has graceful legs, beautiful sandaled feet, and a lovely face. He says she is like the dawn, as fair as the moon, as bright as the sun, and as majestic as the stars. He sees her as totally unique and special. “My dove, my perfect one, is unique” (6:9). Consider these words and ask yourself when was the last time you told your wife how she is uniquely beautiful; how she had lovely feet, beautiful eyes, or a pretty face. Do you tell her about the beauty of her neck, her hair, and her mouth? God has included these words in His writings to us to model for us how a loving husband should speak about his wife’s body.
For wives, the Beloved says of her Lover, “Oh how handsome you are my beloved! Oh, how charming … My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand” (Song of Songs 1:16 and 5:10). What man would not love to have his wife speak about him this way? Look at the words she uses to describe her response to him (2:3-4 and 5:10-16): she delights to sit in his shade, he is sweet to taste, and she loves kisses from his mouth. When she speaks of his body, she in turn describes his head, hair, eyes, cheeks, lips, and arms. She talks about how his body is polished ivory (his protection, 5:14), how his arms are rods of gold (his strength, 5:14), and how his legs are like pillars of marble (again, his strength, beauty, and power, 5:15). When is the last time you described your husband with these kinds of admiring terms, telling him about his physical strength, his bodily protection, and the wonder of his mouth? How long has it been since you have told him how much you love his cheeks, his smile, his expressive eyes, and how he does his hair? Do you caress his muscles and admire his legs? God has allowed these descriptive words to be included in His inspired scriptures to call women higher on how they view and talk about their husband’s body.
You may ask, “Where does attraction fit in then? What if you are not actually attracted to your spouse’s body? What if you feel like your spouse’s body does not reflect the kinds of words mentioned above?” Your husband may have extra weight on his body or he may not have arms of gold and legs of marble. You may feel that your sexual desire is lower due to the fact that your wife does not have the body you are attracted to. Our challenge to both of you would be to examine how the Lover and Beloved speak about each other’s bodies. Do you view your spouse’s body the way God does? You can be both honest and honoring.
One of our favorite examples of this is the relationship between Guy and Cathy Hammond, founders of the Strength and Weakness ministry. Guy is a same-sex attracted man who lived a homosexual lifestyle for over ten years, and who has now been a faithful disciple of Jesus for over three decades. Guy and his wife Cathy have been married for over twenty-five years and have four children. Guy openly shares that, even now, though he has not engaged in homosexual acts since he became a Christian, he is still not attracted to the female body. Many who have heard him share this have wondered, “Wow. How does that work between you and your wife?” His response to those bold enough to ask this question out loud is to share in detail how he sees his wife as an amazing rose that is a wonder to behold—a rose that has a long fragile stem and rich, beautiful, soft red petals that release a wonderful scent. What woman would not like to be described in this way?
Cathy also shares very openly when she is asked what it is like for her to know that she does not have the type of body her husband finds sexually attractive. Her response is that she knows, and he knows, that her body will never be able to live up to her husband’s sexual fantasy. Still, they regularly compliment each other, telling each other how they find one another attractive. They have made their physical relationship about giving and honoring each other. What an incredible example these two are!
Husbands and wives, ask yourselves this: do your thoughts and words reflect a godly appreciation for your spouse’s body as found in God’s Word? We can all grow and change in this area. When we do, we will honor our spouse in a way that creates a lasting and loving intimacy and that fosters a confident, godly view of one’s body.
The exercises on the following pages have a number of different purposes. They may expose how media influences your view of your body. They may help you regain a biblical view of your body. They may help you communicate as a couple how you feel about your bodies. These are just a couple of steps that can start you in the direction of reclaiming how fearfully and wonderfully made you are.
* Cartoons from The Back Pew by Jeff Larson, used by permission.
EXERCISES
Body Image Exercise 1: Videos in the Media Watch both of the following videos together:
1) Women: “Watch Photoshop Transform Your Favorite Celebrities” on BuzzFeed
2) Men: “Before and After Fitness Transformation” on YouTube (Warning: There is bad language used in this video.)
Take some time to talk about what you each think about these videos
Body Image Exercise 2: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
* This is an individual exercise, though you can share your experience with your spouse.
1) Find a comfortable, safe place in your home
2) Read all of Psalm 139, and then focus on verse 13
3) While sitting comfortably, place your hands on different parts of your body, reciting Psalm 139:13, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Example: place your hands at your waist and consider the internal parts of your body below your hands (your kidneys, stomach, lungs, etc.) and the external parts of your body your hands are directly touching (your waist, hips, etc.) and share with God how they are fearfully and wonderfully made.
4) Speak and pray with God about the intricacies and wonders about each part of your body and how it works with the other parts of your body.
Body Image Exercise 3: Song of Songs
1) Read all of Song of Songs.
2) Highlight or underline all of the phrases where the Beloved and Lover describe each other.
3) Make a list of things you could say to your spouse about their body and their overall attractiveness to you.
4) Make a decision to begin complimenting your spouse as the Lover and Beloved do in Song of Songs.
Body Image Exercise 4: Pre-mirror and Mirror Prompt and Reflection
Below is a body image communication exercise. Read the directions for each level before beginning. Do each level on subsequent days or weeks, at a rate decided according to your comfort level. Each of the sentence prompts are about how you view your body and your spouse’s body.
Level 1: As explained before, take the same sitting position in two chairs facing each other, holding each other’s hands, looking at each other as you speak. Decide who will start first. Whoever goes first begins with the first prompt and finishes the sentence. The spouse reflects. Then the spouse who is second begins with the first prompt and their spouse reflects. Do this for each prompt.
1) “One part of my body I like is….”
2) “Another part of my body I like is….”
3) “What I think is attractive about my body is ….”
4) “One part of my body I am not fond of is ….”
5) “Something about my body I’m insecure about is ….”
6) “One thing I like about your body is ….”
7) “Another thing I like about your body is ….”
Level 2: Do the exact same exercise above. However, this time, while fully clothed, do it standing side-by-side facing the mirror. As you speak about the parts of your body, take your spouse’s hand and place it on that part of your body. As you speak about the parts of your spouse’s body that you like, ask permission to place your hand there.
Level 3: Repeat the exercise as described in Level 2. However, this time do it while partially clothed in front of the mirror.
Level 4: Repeat the exercise as described in Level 2. However, this time do it unclothed in front of the mirror.
Level 5: Repeat the exercise as described in Level 2. However, this time do it unclothed, lying in bed, facing each other (no mirror involved).
* After each exercise, sit together and talk about what the exercise was like for each of you.