The Beloved: “Your lips … your neck … your navel …
How beautiful you are, my darling.”
The Lover: “His arms … his legs … his mouth …
He is altogether lovely.”
— SONG OF SONGS
Listen to the words of the Lover and the Beloved from Song of Songs. Notice the sensual parts of the body being described and the beauty each finds in the other. This is God’s plan for the intimate kinds of touch that greatly enhance the joy a couple can find in each other and in their physical relationship. However, many couples share that though they might regularly express affection in various ways, such as hand-holding, they rarely engage in other more private, intimate touches, such as cuddling, spooning, or caressing. When they do engage in sex, they quickly move to touching genitals and proceeding to orgasm. “We hold hands, kiss hello and goodbye, and hug. We have sex. Not much in between.” The area of touch for couples that is often the most neglected is sensual touch.
Erogenous zones of the body are typically divided into three areas. Erogenous zone one would include whole body touch such as touches to the arms and the head, the shoulders, the back, and the back of the feet and hands. Erogenous zone two is typically the areas of the body that are both more private and more sensitive and might include warm intimate caresses to the face, legs, stomach, butt, small of the back, inner thighs, back of the knees, neck, bottoms of the feet, palms of the hands, inside of the arms, lips, and eyelids. Erogenous zone three includes the sexual areas of the body, such as the breasts, nipples, penis, vulva and vagina, anus, and scrotum. When speaking of sensual touch, this typically means touches in erogenous zone two, those sensual and sensitive areas that do not include the genitals.
Research has shown that sensual touch has an impact on how couples feel about the quality of the marital and sexual relationship and that couples who engage in physical affection, including frequent kissing, cuddling, touching, fondling, and caressing during foreplay, usually have higher levels of sexual satisfaction.1 Couples share that when they intentionally increase how much they engage in sensual foreplay, the level of overall enjoyment of sex increases dramatically, where the focus of enjoyment is no longer just the orgasm, but the arousing pleasure of giving and receiving increasingly intimate touches.2
Sexual desire and arousal is also involved in how men and women perceive touch, specifically sensual and sexual touch. Men and women have different interpretations of what certain types of touch mean, especially whether the touch indicated an interest in sexual contact or was a simple expression of caring and appreciation for the other.3 When touch was associated with sexual desire and arousal, men view touch as more enjoyable and indicative of love. However, for women, when touch becomes regularly associated with sexual interest, touch may actually feel less pleasurable, as it may begin to feel like those affectionate touches are less about love and warm affection. Making sensual touch about giving and loving, and not relegating it to use only when sex is desired, can greatly enhance the level of sensual enjoyment in a relationship. It is also important to realize that for some, any form of touch may feel sensual and be arousing.
There are many different reasons that couples do not engage in sensual touch. Some are more interested in reaching orgasm and forget—or have not considered—that their partner might want more. For others, they just want to get the sexual time done and over with, so sensual touch is left out. Some have just gotten into the practice of repetitive sexual routines with little intimate connection. Others become frustrated with their spouse’s inexperience, selfishness, or rough, inept hands and forego requesting or engaging in sensual touch rather than having expectations for enjoyment. For many, life is busy and full, and therefore this kind of intimacy is the first to go.
The challenge is that sex without sensual touch can quickly become an empty routine that is hard to change. Yes, honey, that would be nice, but let’s just keep things as they are. Don’t rock the boat. If we do more of that sensual stuff, she/he will just want more. If I do all that he/she wants, sex takes forever. The reality is that many men can reach orgasmic release without much sensual touch whereas for most women, reaching orgasm is difficult without a significant level of foreplay including loving, enjoyable touches. Women express that they become resentful toward sex because of how quickly things move to the genitals with little intimate connection or sensual caressing. What may be surprising to some, however, is that men often express that sensual touch is what they miss most from their sexual relationship. They feel that, yes, the orgasm was nice, but that a lack of intimate touch leaves them feeling empty and disconnected.
The Importance of Prioritizing Sensual Touch
Couples who do intentionally engage in sensual touch, without continuing on to sexual touch or orgasm, mention how the focus just on touch and sensual enjoyment is helpful when there are no expectations.4 This can also greatly increase enjoyment when things do lead to sex at another time. For many men, and for some women, the idea of touching sensually and not finishing with intercourse or orgasm seems insane. However, in our experience, when couples purposefully pursue sensual touch for the sake of enjoying those erotic sensations, minus the orgasm, the level of satisfaction in the overall sexual relationship rises in a surprising and amazing way. This seems somewhat counter-intuitive. How can choosing not to engage in sex make sex better? The reality is, for many, the focus on orgasm can have a strong, detrimental effect on the ability to genuinely enjoy the prelude. Taking the focus off of orgasm often releases couples from pressures sometimes associated with sex, which can then lead them to relish a deeper, erotic pleasure and sheer enjoyment found only in each other. This is what God desires for every couple and what He describes in such vivid detail in the Song of Songs. For couples that have taken these steps to prioritize sensual touch, this kind of attention to sensuality takes their relationship to a higher level than they have ever experienced in their marriage.5
Kissing
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth.”
— SONG OF SONGS 1:2
Kissing is such a vulnerable way to be intimate. It is described in detail in every romance novel and shown in detail in movies and TV. It can be something that makes someone feel loved and cherished, whereas the lack of kissing can make someone feel unwanted and distant. Kissing can be highly arousing, especially when kisses are placed in tantalizing ways and in sensitive areas. As enjoyable as kissing can be, it can also be a source of frustration, guilt, sadness, hurt, and anger.
When sex becomes a problem in marriage, the different levels of intimacy often become a problem. Sensual touch, if it was even happening, disappears. Affectionate touch then, usually because it becomes connected with sex, begins to lessen or disappear. Kissing is also withdrawn. If couples are having sexual problems, the first area to check on is to see how these other areas are going. With kissing, ask yourselves, do you kiss hello and goodbye? Do you casually give one another kisses throughout the day when you are together? How do you feel about kissing in public? Do you engage in longer kisses for no reason other than showing love? Do you still make out like you did when you were dating? What do your hands do while you are kissing? Do you know what your spouse would like you to do while you are kissing them?
Some people like to be kissed while having their body caressed. Others prefer to explore their spouse’s mouth with a hand on a breast or buttock. Some men like to kiss while thrusting during intercourse, mimicking with their tongue what their penis is doing. Others express the need for more gentle, tender kissing that doesn’t lead to anything else. Couples often share that they are hurt, frustrated, or angry about how their spouse does or does not kiss them. Some wives share that their spouse kisses them only when they want to have sex, so they avoid kissing. Some men share that their wife will not engage in deeper kisses. Using the tongue during a kiss can become an issue of frustration when one spouse enjoys the use of the tongue while kissing and the other does not. Other couples differ over the length of time they enjoy a kiss, how much to open the mouth while kissing, and how hard or passionate to kiss. Some couples do not even kiss hello and goodbye. There are couples who did not kiss until they are married for the purpose of maintaining purity. Other couples, however, did not kiss due to cultural or societal constraints, and for some, when the wedding was over, kissing to show love, affection, and sexual desire never developed.
One couple we have worked with shared about an affair that had happened early in their marriage. The disclosure of the affair occurred when the wife found a note from her husband to the woman that described how he loved her kisses. Because this couple had a child, they decided to stay together to try to work on the marriage. They became Christians soon after, and working through the affair and coming to forgiveness was a part of that process. However, fifteen years later, when they sought counseling for their sexual relationship, it came out that the wife had not shared the specific pain she felt over the note about kissing and how kissing had been a source of hidden pain since then. Talking about this and working through this specific area was a significant moment of healing for this couple.
So how does a couple turn things around with their sensual touch and kissing? One of the first things to do is to talk to each other about this area of your lives. Read this chapter together and share your thoughts, concerns, and wishes. Then do the exercises below to begin communicating about and experiencing the joys of sensual touch. Take some time to discuss the passage about kissing as well and use the exercises below to begin talking about and experimenting with how to improve the level of intimacy in sensual kissing.
Talking About Sensual Touch
Exploring what type of sensual touch you enjoy is a part of the journey. You may not even know what you like. You may be more aware of what you do not like. Perhaps you know exactly what you like, but it is hard to tell your spouse. Or maybe you know and have told your spouse, but still are not experiencing that kind of touch. For some, you may love all types of sensual touch but your spouse does not. Or you may be the spouse that feels uncomfortable with sensual touch, especially if it happens where someone might possibly see it.
Sensual touch can be warm, romantic touches where a hand gently touches the thigh while whispering something loving or erotic to your spouse. Or it may be a light caress across a buttock accompanied by a kiss to the neck or shoulder in passing. Whole body sensual touch may be laying on a couch, watching a favorite show, while caressing the entire body or it may be laying naked in bed together with your back to your spouse’s front, spooning and caressing. These touches can occur in the privacy of your home or in hidden touches in public. The classic foot under the restaurant table caressing your partner’s thigh is one such hidden public touch that can be arousing.
However, for some, the reality is that all of those kinds of touches can also be accompanied by feelings of discomfort and embarrassment. It is vital to honor your spouse’s inhibitions while both of you work on intentionally growing in this area of your intimacy. This is why we highly encourage couples to have open and honest discussions about preferences for sensual touch. Share with each other favorite memories you have of times you enjoyed sensual touch. Talk about the parts of your body where you enjoy sensual touch and the parts where you do not enjoy touch— such as the inner thighs, buttocks, neck, or small of the back. Tell your spouse how you feel about sensual touch when you are in public. Has there ever been a time when sensual touch happened in public and it became problematic? Have you talked about it? Tell each other if you like your neck kissed, if you like your butt massaged, how much tongue you prefer when you are kissing, or how you feel about being kissed on your stomach or your butt.
We would recommend that you begin first by reading and talking about this chapter. Talk through the different topics in the above paragraph and then do some of the exercises below.
Enjoying Sensual Touch
So now that you have talked about sensual touch, where do you go from there? How do you begin making changes, enhancing your sensual touch, and exploring what you enjoy? We could write more about it, but what you really need is to go do it. So instead of reading more, do the exercises below. Talk. Touch. Talk some more. Step-by-step begin to make the changes that can shift your entire sexual relationship.
EXERCISES
SENSUAL COMMUNICATION EXERCISES
Sensual Communication Exercise 1: Prompt and Reflection
Below is a sensual communication exercise. Each of the sentence prompts are about sensual touch, which includes touch to the face, legs, stomach, butt, small of the back, inner thighs, back of the knees, neck, bottoms of the feet, palms of the hands, inside of the arms, lips, and eyelids. As explained before, sit in two chairs that can face each other. Husbands, sit with your knees spread. Wives, tuck your chair in so that your knees are touching your husband’s chair. Get comfortable and then take each other’s hands. When you share your sentence, look directly into your spouse’s eyes.
Decide who will start first. Whoever goes first begins with the first prompt and finishes the sentence. The spouse then simply reflects the sentence. Then the spouse who is second begins with the first prompt and the spouse who went first reflects. Do this for each prompt. Also, as before, for some of these prompts, you may be sharing something from the history of your relationship. Begin.
Remember, each of these prompts are about sensual touch:
1) “One of my favorite memories was when we ____________.”
2) “I really enjoyed it when you ____________.”
3) “You are very good at ____________.”
4) “One way I like to sensually touch you is ____________.”
5) “One way I like to be sensually touched is ____________.”
6) “Something we used to do that I would like to do again would be.”
7) “One thing I feel insecure about with sensual touch is ____________.”
8) “One type of sensual touch I don’t actually enjoy is ____________.”
After doing these prompts, ask each other:
9) “Is there anything I’ve said that you want to ask me about or have me explain?”
Sensual Communication Exercise 2: Intimate Marriage Cards
Purchase The Intimate Marriage cards, Deck 3 (see back page for ordering information). You may have used Deck 3 for the exercise in the Touch and Affection chapter. For this exercise, use either the entire deck or only those cards after the Sensual Touch card. Play this daily, and follow these directions:
1) Determine a time every day when you can spend five minutes playing this.
2) When you sit down to play, decide who is going to go first and then set the timer for five minutes.
3) The spouse to go first then takes a card from the pile, reads the card, and then answers the card.
4) The spouse listening simply reflects what their spouse has said. The card may say “Tell your spouse which of these areas you find touch arousing: inner thigh, neck, stomach, butt, feet, lower back.” The spouse going first shares their answer and the other spouse reflects.
5) Now the spouse going second takes their turn. Take a card from the pile, read, and answer. The spouse reflects.
6) Continue until the timer goes off at five minutes, snap the lid on the box, and finish.
7) During the five minutes, only read, answer, and reflect. After the lid is on the box and you return to your day or evening plans, feel free to talk more about the questions and answers.
SENSUAL TOUCH EXERCISES
Directions for the Sensual Touch Exercises:
* Reminder: All of these exercises are to be done without being preceded by or followed by intercourse or orgasm. For some of you, you have decided to take a sexual vacation while you are working on these things (see The Sexual Vacation section of chapter eight, Touch and Affection). That could be a very good idea. However, whether you have decided to take a sexual vacation or whether you are still engaging in sex while working through these exercises, remember that it is vital that couples explore sensual touch without the expectation of orgasm. If you do one of these exercises in the evening, you can choose to have sex the next morning. If you do this exercise in the morning, you may decide to have sex later that night.
** Several of the sensual touch exercises below include a Stop/Continue part of the exercise. Follow the directions in the following paragraph and apply them to those exercises where the direction is “Stop/Continue.”
Stop or Continue: Take turns practicing how to either choose to stop and do something different or to continue. The spouse giving the touch asks, “Do you want to stop or continue?” The receiving spouse can say “I’d like to continue,” or they can say, “I would like to stop and what I’d rather do is ____________.” The choice to say, “What I’d rather do is ____________” may be something like: “What I’d rather do is give each other foot rubs and then cuddle and watch a movie,” or “What I’d rather do is hold hands while we go to sleep and try this again tomorrow night.”
*** Before doing any of these exercises, make sure that it is a mutual decision to do so. These exercises are appropriate when conflict resolution, relational intimacy, and touch and affection are going well. Also, check in with each other on the level of anxiety you are experiencing during these exercises. If at any time it becomes problematic, stop, take a break, and come back later. If you need to, seek some help before beginning.
Sensual Touch Exercise 1: Foot and Calf Massage
Before beginning this exercise, read the directions below completely. Begin.
1) Before doing the foot and calf exercise, wash your feet and, if you prefer, choose a lotion or oil for the massage.
2) Decide who is going to give first. For the spouse that gives first, using the lotion, begin massaging your spouse’s foot and calf.
3) For the receiving spouse, tell your spouse what you like about the touch they are giving. “I like it when you ________________________.”
4) Tell your spouse verbally what you would like them to do differently, where you would like them to massage. Tell them the type of pressure you want. Use words like firmer, softer, faster, slower. “That is good there,” and “Go ahead and do it firmer.”
5) Take your spouse’s hand and guide their hand to where you want them to massage. Using your hand, show them the type of pressure and movement you want.
6) Tell your spouse what you like about the way they are massaging your foot and calf and what it feels like. “That is very ____________,” and “I like how you ____________.”
7) Stop/Continue: For the giving spouse, ask, “Would you like to stop or continue?” For the receiving spouse, answer saying, “I would like to continue,” or “I would like to stop, and what I’d rather do is ____________.”
8) Switch who is giving and receiving, then continue.
Sensual Touch Exercise 2: Head and Shoulder Massage
Follow the directions in the Foot and Calf Massage exercise above.
Sensual Touch Exercise 3: The Sensual Survey
Read the directions below completely before beginning.
1) Decide who is going to be the first “pleasure surveyor.”
2) The receiving spouse, wearing light clothing (i.e., tank top and shorts), rests on the bed, first on their stomach and then on their back (approximately five minutes on each side).
3) The “surveyor” then gently touches various places all over the parts of their spouse’s body that are not covered by clothing.
4) The receiving spouse then, in response to the touch, communicates, using numbers, the level to which the sensation is desirable or undesirable. The answer might be something like “plus one” or “minus two.” The range is “plus three” to “minus three.” Saying “zero” would indicate a neutral response. Saying “plus one” says that you enjoy that touch somewhat. Saying “plus two” communicates that you like it quite a bit. Saying “plus three” is like saying, “Oh my goodness, that is really great.” The higher number for the “minus” answers indicates that the touch is even more undesirable.
5) For the surveyor, explore different types of touches such as light to firmer caresses. You can knead their body or lightly scratch with your fingernails. Make sure to pay close attention so that you can have a clear map in your head of your partner’s body.
6) Now switch. The “surveyor” becomes the receiving spouse, and the receiving spouse becomes the “surveyor.” Then repeat the directions above.
** Additional version (do this after the above version): wear very little clothing (i.e., underwear and bra)
Sensual Touch Exercise 4: Full Body Caress
Level Two Erogenous Zone (face, legs, stomach, butt, small of the back, inner thighs, back of the knees, neck, bottoms of the feet, palms of the hands, kissing, inside of the arms, lips, eyelids).
Enhancing the Touch: decide whether to use oils, scarves, lips, fingers
Read the directions below completely. Do this exercise fully unclothed. Begin.
1) The goal of this exercise is to explore the enjoyment of sensual caressing. Do not proceed to sexual touch or to orgasm.
2) Before doing the full body caress exercise, set the atmosphere (i.e., take a shower, light candles, put on music, etc.).
3) Decide who is going to give first. Start with the receiving spouse on their stomach. For the spouse that gives first, for ten minutes, using hands, fingers, lips, oil, or scarves, begin caressing the sensual parts of your spouse’s body (face, legs, stomach, butt, small of the back, inner thighs, back of the knees, neck, bottoms of the feet, palms of the hands, kissing, inside of the arms, lips, eyelids).
4) Have the receiving spouse turn over onto their back to receive the caress for another ten minutes.
5) For the receiving spouse, throughout the exercise, tell your spouse what you like about the touch they are giving. “I like it when you ____________,” or “Mmmm, that’s nice.”
6) Tell your spouse verbally what you would like them to do differently, where you would like them to caress. Tell them the type of touch you want.
7) Stop/Continue: For the giving spouse, ask, “Would you like to stop or continue?” For the receiving spouse, answer saying, “I would like to continue,” or “I would like to stop and what I’d rather do is ______________.”
8) Switch who is giving and receiving, and continue. The total time for this exercise is forty minutes (ten minutes on each side for each spouse).
Sensual Touch Exercise 5: Explore Kissing
In the Affectionate Touch Exercise 2 in chapter eight, Touch and Affection, you showed each other how you like to be kissed. In this exercise, you will explore the various ways to kiss your spouse.
1) Choose who will explore first. Begin exploring your spouse’s mouth with your lips. Use your lips to nibble, kiss, suck, and peck your spouse’s mouth and cheeks, both their upper and lower lip, sometimes taking the lip between yours. The spouse responds but is passive.
2) Switch roles. Take turns switching who is initiating the kiss, experimenting with light touches of the tongue and gentle licks both of the lips and within the mouth.
3) Remember this is an exploration. There is no right or wrong way to kiss. You are merely trying a range of possibly enjoyable choices to pick from, learning what you like and prefer when you kiss.
4) Settle together comfortably and talk about what you noticed, what you enjoyed, what you preferred and did not prefer.
Sensual Touch Exercise 6: Make Out!
1) Do the above exercise. This time, while fully clothed, add light hand touches throughout the body as you are exploring your spouse’s mouth. Include touches outside the clothing to the back, the buttocks, the arms and shoulders, the hands, the face and the head. Add kisses to the neck and ears.
2) Now let your hands explore under your spouse’s clothing. Unbutton the buttons, pull down the zipper, put your hands underneath their shirt against their skin and down the around their buttocks under their clothing. Feel the curves of soft flesh and follow the hidden nooks. Do this all the while exploring kissing your spouse’s mouth and body with your lips.
3) After doing this, find a comfortable place to hold each other and talk about the exploration, what you enjoyed and what you would like more of. Talk about both what you experienced as the giver and as the receiver.
Follow Up Sensual Communication Exercise: Sensual Communication (do this exercise after Sensual Touch Exercises 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 above)
* The following communication exercises are very important. After you have fun exploring each other in the sensual touch exercises, make sure you take the time to do this exercise to cement your growing comfortability with being open with your spouse about your sensual time together.
Each of the sentence prompts below is about the sensual exercises above. As explained before, sit in two chairs that can face each other. Husbands, sit with your knees spread. Wives, tuck your chair in so that your knees are touching your husband’s chair. Get comfortable and then take each other’s hands. When you share your sentence, look directly into your spouse’s eyes.
Decide who will start first. Whoever goes first begins with the first prompt and finishes the sentence. The spouse then simply reflects the sentence. Then the spouse who is second begins with the first prompt and the spouse who went first reflects. Do this for each prompt. Begin.
1) “What I was afraid of was ______________.”
2) “What I enjoyed was ______________.”
3) “What I wanted to say but didn’t was ______________.”
4) “Something I was surprised to enjoy was ______________.”
5) “Something I didn’t like was ______________.”
6) “Something that would make affectionate and sensual touch more enjoyable for me would be ______________.”
After doing these prompts, ask each other:
7) “Is there anything I’ve said that you want to ask me about or have me explain?”