TAKE ME AWAY WITH YOU—LET US HURRY!
Leaping, climbing, and seeking
Jewels, earrings, and ribbons
Battles, chariots, and buffets
Crowns, swords, and shields
Trees, wind, and rivers
When you read over these words, what do you picture? What do they remind you of? Fantastic novels of exploration and adventure with kings and queens? Children playing make believe, running all around with their play swords and shields, climbing trees and fording rivers? Beautiful scenes of gorgeously dressed lords and ladies, feasting and loving? Adventure and Fun?! These are actually the literal words found in God’s Word in Song of Songs. These are playful, adventurous words. These are the words God chose to include in His Holy Scriptures to describe the sensual, sexual relationship between a man and woman who both love God and love each other.
Sex is intended by God to be fun, playful, and intoxicating. Many couples, however, end up with routine and duty. If the words above do not have any association with what happens in your bedroom, in your intimate relationship, it is our hope that this chapter can help revolutionize the party in your garden.
You may have jumped ahead to read this chapter. You saw the title and thought, “Now this is what I’m looking for!” Or there are problems in your sexual relationship and you are looking for some quick answers on how to spice things up. Please go back and read the rest of this book before you return to this chapter. If your friendship is not all it should be, work on that first. If you feel like your spouse does not really know you or if they say you do not understand them, check out those chapters and exercises first. If you struggle with body image, sexual dysfunction, or sexual sins, read about that before diving into the material here. If the time you spend together sexually is still challenging, go to the sections on sensual and sexual touch. Heal the areas of your marriage that need attention before trying out the enhancing things found in this chapter. The truth is that a great, fun, playful sex life is only truly possible when your relationship is one of genuine connection, satisfying adventure, and respectful, loving communication saturated in God’s Word.
There are so many books on how to create romance in your marriage. We’re not going to include that information here. Just kidding. Some of you might shoot us. The reality is, there are a lot of books on romance, and one of our favorites is Sam Laing’s The Five Senses of Romantic Love. We also recommend reading the Louis’ I Choose Us, and do the Being a Romantic Lover and Participation exercises in their book. So, when it comes to romance and fun, ask yourself, “What does my spouse need?”
Husbands: What Your Wife Needs
Learn her. “Be considerate as you live with your wife” (1 Peter 3:7). The meaning of the word considerate here, gnosin in the Greek, is to investigate, to seek to know, to live according to knowledge. Husbands, be a lifelong student of your wife’s body. Investigate her body but always remember that before you touch her body, touch her soul. Make the choices for your sexual relationship that reflect your knowledge of her. Learn her preferences for sensual and sexual touch. Also, learn what makes her feel loved, special, important, cherished. What does she like to do for fun? What makes her feel heard? What does she need that will help her enjoy your relationship more? Does she need a nap before you take off on that date? Remember that she may not yet know what her preferences and needs are sexually or otherwise, so be patient as she herself learns. Ask her questions about her sexual likes and dislikes. Find out what she thinks about sex and what the draws and drawbacks are for her.
Talk to her. Ask her questions. How was her day? What is she worried about? How is she doing? What does she need? What is she excited about? Share your feelings. Share your feelings. Share your feelings. Be vulnerable and real about your dreams, your hopes, your worries, and your mistakes. It might surprise you how much your sharing could be an aphrodisiac for her. Compliment her. Tell her what you admire. Tell her what you noticed about her during the day, last night, or last week. Imitate the Lover in Song of Songs and tell her how she is attractive to you—physically, spiritually, intellectually, and socially. Compliment her sandaled feet. Talk to her every day. If you are the greater talker, learn to be the greater listener. If you are more the silent type, learn to ask questions and share openly. Take the time to discuss how she feels about your sexual relationship. Together, read the different chapters and then get some time somewhere quiet and uninterrupted to talk about what you both thought.
Romance her. Romance can be defined in a variety of ways: feelings of excitement and mystery associated with love; doing something special and unexpected; or feelings of emotional attraction and belonging. A sense of lovability is at the core of healthy development. Romantic gestures communicate to a woman, “I am lovable,” “I am important to him,” “I am wanted.” When a husband chooses to do something for his wife, takes the time to plan something special, or does thoughtful gestures at random moments, a wife will often feel desired, chosen, and special. There is no one-size-fits-all formula for romance. What feels romantic can be completely unique to each woman. Some women love flowers. Others prefer a great steak. So go ahead and get the flowers, buy the steak, light the candles, take her somewhere unique and special. Make her a special meal, plan an evening of sensual fun, cuddle watching something together, give her a massage, and make your sexual time together romantic with music, candles, warm touches, and special fun.
Resolve conflict. Be the one to initiate doing the Validation exercise in earlier chapters. Be the one to ask, “Can we talk about that?” If you are the one who usually initiates conflict resolution, make sure to give her the space and time to get to a better place when she is able to talk. As you talk about the conflict, ask her if she feels like you really understood and if she feels truly resolved. If things don’t get resolved, be the one to seek help from the other couples in your life. When you get the help, find out first what you need for yourself rather than vent about your frustration with her. When you’ve had a conflict, go and pray and then come back when your heart is in a better place to resolve the issue. Remember, reaching out for sex when conflict is unresolved can leave a woman feeling used and unloved.
Make sex work for her. Make sure your time together is private. Do you need to teach your children not to come into your room without knocking? Do you need a lock on your door? Find out if she likes to know ahead of time that you’d like to have sex and when and how she’d like you to tell her. This may allow her anticipation to build up and allow her to prepare herself mentally to participate and enjoy your sexual time together. What kind of atmosphere makes sex more enjoyable for her? Consider flickering candlelight, room temperature, music, lotions, oils, incense, and satin sheets (go spend the money and buy them if you think she’d like that). Atmosphere could be quite important for your wife.
Make sex fun for her. Talk first. Talk some more. Then play. Buy a sexual board game like those found on the Covenant Spice website. You can also play any regular board game (like Pictionary or Monopoly) and make up sexual rules. Or just play a card game naked, doing sexual favors for whoever wins the hand (well, as long as no one is winning all the hands). Play the card games and dice games in bed with yummy food and drinks on the side. Have pillow fights and play with water pistols (Really? How?). Fingerpaint each other’s bodies with glow-in-the-dark body paint. Use whip cream, letting her squirt it where she’d like you to kiss, lick, or suck and then you do the same. Dance together. Ask her the kind of music she likes. Put the music on, both of you wear lingerie, light some good smelling candles, and dance.
Caress and then caress some more. Ask yourself, how is your affectionate touch? Make sure that, throughout the day, you give your wife warm affection and touch that is not connected to sex. Cuddle and hold your wife, spooning and caressing, even when you are not going to have sex. Watch a show together, holding her and caressing her as you watch. We dare you to spend an evening touching her sensually and intimately, giving her a great massage and then pulling the blanket up and sending her off to sleep with a kiss. And then, when you do have sex, take plenty of time to touch your wife when you engage sexually. Use the exercises in the previous chapters to learn the type of sensual and sexual touch she likes. Do not go immediately for her vagina and her breasts. Caress her entire body and give her massages. When you do go to genital touch, go light and slow at first. Follow her direction.
Initiate and plan. If your wife has the greater sex drive, initiate. Plan sexual times and make them special. Show her by your initiation that you want her and find her sexually attractive. “Arise, come with me” (Song of Songs 2:10). Think ahead. Planning makes your wife feel special. Take the opportunity to include thoughtful additions to your times together, both on dates and during sex.
Dates, Dates, Dates. She needs lots of them. Enough said!
Wives: What Your Husband Needs
Sex!
Well, OK. We’ll add a few more things. The reality is that for many men, they desire all the things below almost more than they desire intercourse and orgasm.
Admire him. Your encouraging words hold so much power. Put them in cards, texts, and phone calls. Put notes in his lunch. Compliment him in front of others. Look at Proverbs 31:23. “Her husband is respected at the city gate.” Why would this passage be included in a chapter on the wife of noble character? The respect this husband experienced among the elders of his land was connected to his wife in some way. Our guess is that her respect for him, her open admiration of him in front of others, was a part of the view that others had of him, the respect they held for him. Let him hear your respect for him, your admiration for him, from the city gates, when you sit in your home, as you walk along the street, as you spend time with friends. Admire him sexually as well. Tell him how he is a good lover. Send him a text and tell him, whisper it to him in the middle of a gathering, or tell him over coffee. What are the things he does with his hands, fingers, tongue, and lips that bring you pleasure? Tell him specifically.
Watch him. When your husband walks around naked, when he is getting dressed, when he puts on an outfit you like, when he wears something that looks good on him, watch him. Tell him. Admire his body and put Song of Songs into practice.
Touch him. Many men hear their wives say, “He only touches me when he wants sex,” or “He’s not very affectionate.” The reality is that many men long for more touch from their wives as well. There is a whole chapter dedicated to affectionate touch in this book. This is just an important reminder that men often love being touched all over, all the time. If that is your husband, appreciate your man’s body—and not only when you’re in bed. Give him random kisses. Touch his back and butt as you walk by. Reach over and touch his arm, his thigh, his chest.
Prioritize him above all others. “Place me like a seal over your heart” (Song of Songs 8:6). The Hebrew word here for seal, chotham, means the seal made from a signet ring that a king would use to make a royal decree or send a royal missive. The Beloved here is letting him know the level of importance she wanted their relationship to have in their lives. Make your spouse your most important relationship: above your kids, your job, your parents and siblings, the other Christians in your life. Prioritize your sexual time together. Don’t allow all of your energy to go to everyone and everything else, leaving him only the dregs. Prioritize your dates with him, sex with him, going to bed with him, talking with him.
Indulge your own sensuality. Don’t wear underwear and go about your evening, noticing what it feels like. Tell him you have nothing on underneath what you are wearing. Take bubble baths or put scented oil into your bath. Use bath gels and scented lotions that make you feel good. Wear clothing and materials that are sensual on your skin: lace, satin, or silk. Why is this in a section about what to do for him? Because for most women, when they purposefully and intentionally indulge their own God-given sensuality, become more sensually and sexually attentive to their husbands.
Tell him what you need. When it comes to sex, he needs to know what you would like. Tell him what kind of touch you like and what is arousing to you. Use the exercises on sexual communication in earlier chapters to learn how to talk while you are having sex and how to talk after and before sex, so that he knows what you like and what you prefer. Your husband needs direct requests and assertive communication about your needs.
Spend some money. Spend money on lingerie and on making your bedroom look good. Rejuvenating your sex life may mean buying new sheets and a new comforter. Make your room the most important room in your house and show this by spending a little money to make it look that way. For sexual fun, if you both like the idea, buy some sexual toys and some sexual dice or board games.
Romance him. Who said the only one who likes romance is the wife? Though most men would not be caught dead saying the words, “I wish she were more romantic,” many men express that they wish their wife longed for them, wanted them, and thought of them. When he’s working at the computer or reading something, kiss his neck and tell him what you love about him. Put notes in his briefcase, his tool belt, his lunch. Text him. Buy his favorite candy bar out of the blue and throw it in his lap. Plan a date somewhere unique and beautiful. Surprise him with an expected fun time or night away.
Understand. Be understanding rather than derogatory about the fact that—for your husband, as for many men—sex may be a major way in which he feels connected to you and experiences comfort (Genesis 24:67). He may want to have sex with you when he gets a raise or loses his job; when he is frustrated or when he is excited; when he is sad or when he is happy; when his team loses or when his team wins. This doesn’t mean that it is OK for a husband to demand sex or to become angry if he wants to have sex and it doesn’t happen. However, it is easy for women, and the world, to mock men for their desire for sexual frequency. You may need to have an honest and thorough conversation on your differing preferences for how often you have sex, but if he has a greater drive than you, making sarcastic comments can be harmful to your relationship. If, on the other hand, you have the greater sexual drive, read the chapter on desire and arousal and make sure that you come to understand that his lower desire may have nothing to do with his level of attraction to you.
Indulge his senses. He may like your excited sounds as you enjoy his touch and your orgasm. He needs the sight of your naked body. He probably likes to feel you touch his body and the feel of your hands on his testicles and penis. He may be a man who likes the smell of certain perfumes or bath gels on your skin. And remember, Satan has inundated the world with sexual pictures. You can find creative ways to indulge his visual need for pictures of you sexually. One way both of you can get those pictures is by keeping your eyes open while you are having sex together and coming to orgasm. Replaying those images can be very arousing for both of you.
Blow his mind. Share your sexual fantasies with your husband. Purposefully think about sex more and tell him what you thought about. Blindside him with a sexual surprise (a sexual dance, serving dinner naked, putting a pair of crotchless panties in his lunch bag, playing strip poker). Be fully engaged in your sexual time together: be there, talk, tell him what you want, and ask him what he wants. After you’ve shared what kinds of things you both feel good about in your sexual repertoire, be the one to initiate making things happen. Buy some toys or fun products and use them.
Be creative. See the suggestions above for the husband for games and fun. Initiate this kind of play and put your twist on it. Show your husband you thought of him by setting the whole thing up. When he gets home or is done with work, have a trail of rose petals laid out that lead him up to the bedroom. Let him know you’ve got some sex planned by hanging a piece of lingerie where he can find it on the bathroom mirror or the door handle as he walks into the house.
Initiate. Many husbands feel loved and wanted when their wife is the one to initiate sex. Be the one to reach over. Be the one to set the atmosphere. Reach for his genitals first. Grope him in the car and in the kitchen. Tantalize him by how you sit (especially if you’ve told him or shown him ahead of time that you are wearing no underwear or crotchless underwear), give him hidden touches, and whisper to him about what you’re going to do to him later.
Okay, you may be having all kinds of bodily sensations after reading this chapter. Now go do something about it.
EXERCISES
Fun and Romance Exercise 1: Creating a Sexual Script - A Couples Exercise
* This exercise is about reclaiming the beauty and possibilities within your sexual relationship. Many of us have negative sexual scripts that play in our minds when we engage sexually. These scripts are developed over time by our experiences both before and during marriage. The lines in the script can be full of assumptions, false information, and negative self-talk. This is your opportunity to write a new script. Both of you do this exercise separately and when things are in a good place, share it with your spouse.
1) Think about what, for you, would be a wonderful time together sexually. If you were the director and writer for a movie, what would be in the scene?
2) Write out your scene. Include details of where you would be, what it would smell like, what you would see and hear, what each of you would be doing and saying, and what you would be wearing and using. Give the details of the setting and atmosphere.
3) Include in your script how you would both be feeling and thinking, the meanings you would both be making of different parts of the script, and how you would be responding to each other. Remember, this is the script you would write when things are as you would hope them to be. You get to be the director and writer of your scene.
4) Make sure to be honest and specific about what you would like to be doing in the script. Include details of things you have perhaps thought about doing or having done to you that you have read about in these chapters.
5) Share your sexual scripts with each other.