“Let Me Hear Your Voice”
— SONG OF SONGS 2:14
We joke that talking about sex is often harder than having sex. If you have taken the time to utilize the exercises contained here, you have probably been talking about sex more than you have in your entire life. You may also have learned how to be intentional about your sexual relationship. The myth most of us hear and believe is that in order for sex to be great, it has to be spontaneous. Though there may have been more spontaneity early in your sexual relationship, the reality can be quite different in most mature, lasting relationships. For sex to be great, we need to intentionally plan, think, and pray how to be giving to our spouse. We also need to purposefully talk openly and honestly about what we love about our sex lives, what we genuinely need, and what we do not like.
God has great plans for us. He wants to prosper us and not to harm use (Jeremiah 29:11). He wants us to have a hope and a future. He created us, knows us, and cherishes us (Psalm 139; Isaiah 40:11). He wants us to know Him and He wants us to know the depth and width of His love for us (Ephesians 3:18). He is kind (Luke 6:35). He is generous (Ephesians 1:7-8). He longs to show His graciousness to us (Isaiah 30:18) and He wants us to enjoy a full and rich life (Ephesians 6:3; John 10:10). We have to remember that it was Jesus’ goal that we enjoy life to the full. The way we show others that we are His disciples is by our love for one another (John 13:5). One way we can show the world that we are His disciples is by the depth of genuine, God-given intimacy we have in our marriage. Your marriage can be a light on the hill.
We all have challenges in our marriages. Let your light shine. Show the world how a disciple of Jesus repairs the injuries in their marriage. Show the world how the knowledge you have of your heavenly Father and His Son is reflected in your sexual love for each other. “[They] were naked… and not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). This is the state that God created us in. This is what we can live out in our married life. Naked. Unashamed. Confident in our ability to share our body, committed to giving pleasure, reveling in the sensual enjoyment of our spouse’s touch, and not embarrassed or reticent about erotic, sexual release. Not only can you overcome embarrassment, but now you can joyfully pursue sexuality as only God’s people can. You can ask for what you need and like without being demanding and you can become the vessel that brings your spouse pleasure like no one else on this earth can.
Be intentional. Be purposeful. Watch your expectations. Remember that sometimes your sexual time together will be steak and lobster. Other times it will be macaroni and cheese. Being O.K. with macaroni and cheese can make the steak and lobster taste especially good.
You may have had some amazing victories as you traversed these passages. Please take some time to rejoice in those victories. Each little step you have taken and each little moment of joy you have had is a victory, so celebrate it. Do the victory dance! So how do you keep it up? How do you make sure that things continue to be like that flowing stream, always being refreshed? Here are some ideas. Keep reading. Read one of the many books on sex referenced here. Talk about it. Use your calendar. Keep your sexual times intentional. Put them on your calendar. There have been couples that Jennifer has worked with professionally who have shared about how their kids began to say “Oh my goodness, are you guys going to do more homework?” These kids had seen the “homework” notations on the family calendar and figured out what they meant. What a surprising testimony. Older, grown children of some of these couples began asking their parents to explain Validation to them and to share about what they had done to change their marriage and their sex lives. Couples have shared how they have told their grown, married children, “We have been renewed.” What a way to show God to your children, to your friends, to other disciples of Jesus, to those you are reaching out to. So continue to work hard at honoring God with your sex life. You may be surprised at some of the unusual ways you will get to share your faith when you do.
“Keep the marriage bed pure” (Hebrews 13:4). The word pure here is amiantos, meaning undefiled, unstained. Work hard at keeping the world out and not allowing Satan to pollute the beauty that God has been creating in your sexual relationship. Don’t let Satan win. Satan’s greatest weapon is to divide. The unity and deep connection you have been forging in your marriage keeps him from getting a foothold. Purity does not mean boring and routine. Instead, it means keeping those waters refreshed. Fight for your intimacy. When it wanes, and it will, come back and reread what you have found here. Make sure you continue to go on dates and spend regular time in sensual touch that does not continue to sex. Come back and do again some of the exercises you found helpful and do others you may have skipped. If things begin to slip, or if the improvement you have made begins to fade, have an honest conversation about it and then put your eyes back on Jesus and once again renew your pursuit of closeness and connection with one another.
Your intimacy can mature and deepen with each passing year. Make that your goal. Great masterpieces take time, dedication, and heart. Go, create your masterpiece and …
Let your song be sung!!