As perfectionists, we find it hard to make room for pleasure in our lives. Focusing on achievement, proving ourselves, and avoiding mistakes saps our joy and pleasure. This lack of self-acceptance leads to insecurity, shame, and perfectionism. Black and white perfectionistic thinking traps us in a two-dimensional world. In addition, perfectionists spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what’s wrong. Instead, we need to expand ourselves and bring pleasure to our lives with new activities and social connections. The world in Technicolor has much to offer beyond the pursuit achievement and perfection.
Becoming human entails developing healthy habits to increase positive thoughts and feelings. Their healing chemicals combat perfectionistic thinking and behavior and anxiety and depression. This chapter explores harmonizing all aspects of our humanity. Enjoying physical, sensual, spiritual, creative, and social activities balances our lives and nourishes our psyche.
Concentrating on what’s wrong can itself become a problem. Our mind generates apprehension of danger that stimulates our nervous system to prepare for imagined threats. It produces tension and anxiety that never leaves, causing mental and physical harm. Engaging in activities that inspire, relax, and fulfill us revives our enthusiasm and creativity and gives us a new attitude, focus, and perspective.
Body and mind are one. (See “The Healing Power of Eros.”) Our thoughts and actions can heal or harm us. Rumination, anxiety, and depression associated with perfectionism are responsible for prolonged exposure to stress hormones and neurotransmitters, such as cortisol, epinephrine, and adrenaline, that with can damage our health. On the other hand, each of the senses is a portal to our brain center that release serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. Research had shown that certain music can reduce pain and anxiety, speed post-operative healing, and enhance treatment for cancer, stroke, arthritis, and kidney dialysis. Aromatherapy is effective for treating insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, back pain, migraine, and food cravings.
• Bake something aromatic.
• Burn incense and candles.
• Get massages.
• Soak in a bath of scented oils.
• Use scented soap.
• Buy flowers.
• Visit art galleries.
• Watch a sunset.
• Put cornstarch on your belly, and gently stroke it.
• Listen to a fountain.
• Next time you engage in an activity where you strive to achieve perfection, tune into your body.
- Ask yourself whether or not you actually enjoy it. Is it adding to your pleasure?
- If not, why are you striving so hard?
- What would you rather be doing?
Not surprisingly, the happiest people are those who enjoy healthy pleasures. They live optimistically with zest and a positive attitude that improves their health and prolongs their life. Freud realized that humans are pleasure-seeking animals. Pleasure brings a smile to our face and relaxes us, while pain and noxious stimuli make us wince, cry, or recoil in disgust or pain. We’re wired to search out and respond to pleasurable sensations. Gentle touch stimulates the release of pleasurable chemicals, like serotonin and oxytocin, which inhibit production of stress hormones and promote immune function, body/mind relaxation, pain reduction, longevity, and cell growth and repair.
Some of us are kinder to our pet than to our own animal body. How we treat our body reflects how we feel and think about ourselves. Do you accept yourself and your body, or do you expect it to look and perform in accordance with a perfectionistic ideal? Would you say that a giraffe’s neck is too long, a Chihuahua is too small, a hippo too fat, or that a Cheetah too spotted? Each is different and perfect. If you hate or hide parts of your body, work it like a machine, or deny it rest and pleasure, you’re not being loving to yourself. We deny our humanity when we act as though our body is a slave to serve us, rather than care for it as nature intended.
• List what you like and dislike about your body. Can you accept what you dislike? If you can’t, can you accept that you don’t?
• List the ways in which you try to perfect your body.
• List the times when you ignore your bodily needs, such as rest, sleep, healthy food, and exercise. (Note that rest and sleep are two distinct needs.)
Our body is made to move and derives pleasure from motion. The detriments of a sedentary life and benefits of an active one are well-known, from improving circulation of blood, nutrients, and oxygen, to enhanced mood, confidence, strength, digestion, cellular function, energy, and sleep. Studies show that 15 minutes of exercise a day is all that is required for good health. Perfectionists do too much or too little. When it comes to exercise, we overdo or underdo. Our goal-oriented-attitude turns movement into work. We push and judge our progress rather than depriving ourselves of pleasure.
Find an activity that you enjoy and look forward to. Better yet, do it with a friend. If you’re outdoors, remember to enjoy your natural surroundings as part of your experience rather than focusing on a goal.
• Walk, dance, bike, swim, or skate.
• Practice martial arts or yoga.
• Walk barefoot in sand or on grass.
• Maintain a garden.
• Ride a horse.
• Fly a kite.
• Hike outside from the city.
• Walk on the beach.
• Play a team sport for recreation, rather than winning.
• Move in a way that expresses how you feel. For example, if you’re sad, curl into a fetal position. If you’re angry, growl and stomp around.
• Move randomly to music without following a pattern or steps.
• Lie on the floor, and allow your body to relax into gravity. Let go, and sink deeper into the floor, knowing that you’re completely supported.
Slowing down is key to relaxing our mind and nervous system. In today’s world, most of us who live an urban life experience more stress than nature intended. Everything moves faster, and we spend less time socializing and relaxing. Simple pleasures, like smelling flowers, walking in the grass, watching a sunrise, or gazing at a starry night sky are rare pleasures. It may be hard to slow down if you’re not used to it. Here are suggestions to increase pleasure in your life:
• Visit a brook, river, or the ocean.
• Pet and play with an animal.
• Picnic.
• Make a tape of relaxing music and play it regularly.
• Lie in the grass and watch clouds float by.
• Collect sea shells at the beach.
• Watch a fire.
• Gaze at an aquarium. This has been proven as effective as hypnosis in reducing pain, anxiety, and blood pressure.
Achieving goals is definitely an asset to creating an enjoyable life. But sadly, many of us are unable to enjoy the lives we’ve created, despite our achievements. We’re either dissatisfied with our accomplishments or soon pursing another target. Often our goals are work-related, absorbing our time and creating imbalance in our lives. When we do exercise or participate in a recreational or creative activity, we can easily turn it into a competition or a taxing, driven experience. Our dissatisfaction with our accomplishments and obsessive approach to things reflect our state of mind. However, changing what and how we do something can change our state of mind.
Recreation and hobbies rejuvenate us. “Re-creation” unifies our body, mind, and spirit. Play and leisure activities inspire, balance, and revitalize us. They also improve our mental and physical health. They’re used in rehabilitating addiction, trauma, grief, and many illnesses. Purposeless play is the opposite of striving and being goal-oriented. Carefree activities should be care-free. They’re an antidote for perfectionism. Like children, during play, we’re amused in the present, without judgment or goal. You might consider leisure a waste of time, but the rejuvenation of your mind can energize you to be more productive.
Choose an activity that is engrossing and rewarding, one where you’ll lose a sense of yourself and time. Whatever you do, don’t allow your inner critic to correct or judge you. Remember that the aim is enjoyment, not perfection or winning. Don’t wait until you feel like engaging in a hobby, leisure activity, or pure play. Do it now. You might start to enjoy it, especially, if you’re socializing at the same time.
• What were your most joyful experiences?
• In your childhood, which activities or hobbies were the most fun and playful?
• Which leisure activities relax you the most, such as reading, camping, raising butterflies, collecting stamps, gardening, going to the beach, fishing, listening to music?
• Take a fun class to try something totally new.
• Attend a sporting event.
• Go to a toy, craft, or hobby shop. Buy something fun to do––however childish it may seem.
• Wander around an unfamiliar neighborhood.
• Read yourself bedtime stories.
• Read joke books or rent comedic movies.
• With your nondominant hand, list fun things to do, and spend one day each week doing them.
• Make a collage of things and places you enjoy.
• Arrange flowers.