Learning to be calm and mindful are essential tools in overcoming perfectionism. As earlier described, shame, whether coming from ourselves or others, and fixation on achieving perfection and avoiding mistakes are the primary culprits in creating anxiety and perfectionistic thinking. They lead to dysfunctional, perfectionistic behavior.
There are many techniques for calming ourselves. Some are mentioned in the previous chapter. Dr. Herbert Benson, a researcher at Harvard’s body-mind Institute developed The Relaxation Response. The first step is a progressive relaxation. Progressive relaxation begins with consciously relaxing the muscles in our toes, then progressing through our limbs, torso, face, and scalp. It’s helpful to first tightly contract each muscle group, and then release and relax.
The quickest method to calm the mind is to practice breathing exercises. Yogis have known this for millennia. We now understand that this is because there are neurotransmitters in our lungs that communicate with those in our brain. When we slow our breathing, it slows our thoughts. Yogis developed numerous exercises utilizing the breath, called pranayama.
One simple technique is to slowly exhale making a hissing “sss” sound. Repeat at least 10 times. This has been shown to calm the nervous system and reduce pain. You can practice with my Youtube.
Mindfulness is merely the ability to observe our thinking in a dispassionate, neutral way. Observing out thinking differs from being caught up in our thoughts and the stories we create, and then reacting to them as if they were true. Mindfulness enables us to dismiss plaguing thoughts, which frees us from self-judgment and the need to control. This skill represents a higher level of awareness and consciousness. It allows us to question our thinking and stop or change it. Shining the light of consciousness on our mental process tends to dissipate unhelpful, repetitive thoughts.
The effect tends to bring us into the present moment, in contrast to the constant need to achieve or fix things or being lost in obsessive thoughts about past mistakes or negative projections. Bringing our mind into the present increases our ability to choose our thoughts and actions. It allows us to make constructive changes and avoid repeating past mistakes.
Meditation is one way to develop mindfulness. There are many types of meditation. Some involve chanting, walking, or breathing exercises, as described in more detail in Codependency for Dummies. Dr. Benson discovered that The Relaxation Response reduced stress, anxiety, depression, and anger. The technique involves first relaxing the body as described above, and then silently repeating the word “one” with each inhale, and again with each exhale. This is basically a mantra, similar to the practice of Transcendental Meditation, which he researched.
Another simple practice is to sit quietly and relax. Observe your thoughts, or concentrate your attention on something else, like your breath or a sound or symbol, and then notice how your thoughts intrude. They naturally will. You may become aware that you’re judging your thoughts or striving to do this perfectly. If so, congratulations! You’ve just become mindful of your perfectionistic mind! The idea is not to believe and react to those thoughts, but merely observe them. You might find that by so doing, they evaporate, but later return. Merely repeat the process. You can even count your thoughts or how many times they return. One tip is to ask yourself, “Who is thinking?” See what happens.
Be cautious not to judge yourself as a failure, but again, if you do, notice that you are now judging yourself. How does self-judgment makes you feel? It can take many years of practice to have clear awareness, unclouded by automatic thoughts. It’s normal to have a constant stream of thoughts, which has been referred to “monkey mind.” The ability to be mindful increases with daily practice.
The physical, emotional, and mental benefits of meditation are researched and well-known. It enhances our clarity and concentration. It balances our emotions and increases our sense of calm and well-being. Meditation empowers us by reducing our reactivity and strengthening our will.
Being calm and mindful can help us detach and be less reactive. It can be enormously helpful if a spiritual component is added to our practice. Whatever our concept of faith, believing in something larger than ourselves can broaden our perspective and help our limit our anxiety and insecurity. It can lessen our ego’s attempt to control ourselves, others, and our environment.
There are spiritual and religious practices that incorporate meditation, contemplation, movement, prayer, chanting, and other methods for enhancing calmness and conscious contact with the divine. Simple prayers can be reminders not to react and increase our equanimity. One is the simple slogan from Twelve-Step Programs, “Let go and let God.” Another is the Serenity Prayer:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
For “14 Tips for Letting Go,” visit my website, www.whatiscodependency.com/.