Absorption in perfectionism concentrates our attention on our work, ourselves, or on what other people think of us. This serves as a way to avoid intimacy and distract us from actually engaging with others. Preoccupation with achieving our goals can sap our time and the mental and emotional energy needed to develop friendships with others or be involved in our community.
Sharing with others has multiple benefits. We all have need for social connections––even if we don’t think so. Friendships meet our needs for validation, understanding, companionship, being listened to, and empathy. A social network protects us from the dangers of loneliness and isolation and actually increases our longevity and immunity. It also provides health benefits similar to exercise, such as reducing heart rate and blood pressure. Social connections remind us that life exists beyond striving for perfection. We gain a broader perspective and support.
Focusing outward also helps reduce shame that can spiral us into depression. It’s beneficial to be self-aware and mindful, but that’s self-observation. It’s the opposite of an internal monologue of should’s and criticisms. We can discover that we feel good about our life and ourselves not only by pursuing goals and achieving perfection, but by sharing with, giving to, and helping others. In fact, researcher and expert on perfectionism Gordon Flett, believes that turning our focus from ourselves to others helps perfectionists cope. Here are some suggestions on broadening your social life:
• Join a meetup.
• Take a class and socialize with members at breaks and afterward.
• Volunteer.
• Join a political action group.
• Participate in community meetings and activities.
• Have lunch or a drink or dinner after work with a friend or co-worker.
• Get involved in your religious organization.
• Join a club for people who share your hobbies or interests, such as a sailing club, the Sierra Club, the Audubon Society, a book club (often sponsored by libraries), or bridge or chess club.
• Attend Codependents Anonymous. See www.coda.org.
Perfectionism is rooted in shame––not feeling worthy enough to be ourselves. Shame causes us to hide our thoughts, feelings, and mistakes. Shame that fosters over-concern about what others’ think of us and turns our attention inward. The remedy is to do the opposite: Be vulnerable and share authentically with others. Shame is healed in part by sharing our flaws, mistakes, and shame with others. We discover that we’re not alone––that other people have similar thoughts and feelings. The flaws and failures we thought made us uniquely deficient are not personal, but common to all and part of our humanness. This realization and the act of opening up about it go a long way to diminish shame.
Friendships also provide opportunities to check out other people’s points of view about our worries and also––our greatest fear––how they see us. We almost always find out that people aren’t expecting perfection or judging us the way we imagine. (If you have friends that are very judgmental, you may want to confront that problem. If unresolved, find more accepting friends.)
When you feel shame, instead of hiding it, talk it over with a friend. This is a major antidote. The willingness to be vulnerable enough to expose our feelings and imperfections in a safe environment helps diminish the power of our inner critic. Finding the courage to do so in spite feeling shame accomplishes six things:
1. It creates connection.
2. It develops a feeling of self-acceptance notwithstanding our flaws.
3. It increases the humility that diminishes fragile, false pride and arrogance that make us susceptible to self-judgment.
4. We become less reactive to other people’s opinions and criticism.
5. It strengthens the true self each time we’re vulnerable.
6. It builds trust in self and others.
Sharing vulnerability can take tremendous courage. But once we get in the habit of doing it, we will feel so grounded and sane that we won’t want to turn back to our old pattern of isolating. It’s wise to share with friends we consider safe, who are open to listening, who won’t judge us, give unwanted opinions, or impose their experience or agenda.
Perfectionists often have difficulty getting help due to shame. It’s hard to share and it’s even harder to ask for help. They believe that seeking help signifies failure and that mistakes and shortcomings are so loathsome that they want to hide rather than reveal them. This can prevent them from receiving much-needed help and support.
One of the gifts of Twelve-Step programs is the opportunity to share shameful aspects of ourselves at meetings and with other members. Membership in a Twelve Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous (www.coda.org), can provide a healing sense of belonging. Members talk about their mistakes and shortcomings in a non-judgmental atmosphere of acceptance.
Remember that perfectionism can become addiction. According to Alcoholics Anonymous expert Ernest Kurtz, “What the addict is ideally striving for is perfect invulnerability.” (Shame and Guilt, 2007) Practiced correctly, the Twelve Steps are designed to diminish shame about our behavior. This is furthered by sharing with a sponsor or other members and making amends for wrongs when necessary.
Twelve Step programs are considered by many to be a safe place to share. Unlike friends or family members, members aren’t supposed to offer advice or opinions after you share. Asking another member to sponsor you provides an opportunity to share one-on-one rather than in the larger group. If you choose to attend a Twelve Step meeting, you can find one in most cities and towns. Most groups maintain schedules of their in-person and phone meetings online.
Sharing at an intimate level with a psychotherapist can provide deeper levels of healing, particularly if you work on issues from your childhood, including the origins of your perfectionism. It takes time to develop trust with someone in a personal relationship and to open up and share vulnerable feelings. Psychotherapy can reduce anxiety about what others think.