Additional Tools

Part One—Everybody Wins

A Resolution by Which Everybody Wins

WHEREAS: arguing creates an adversarial relationship; and

WHEREAS: resolving conflicts is absolutely essential if we are to work together as a team:

THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED: That we shall commit ourselves to seek win-win solutions to our conflicts

By learning to listen empathetically:

What is my spouse saying?

What is my spouse feeling?

By choosing to respect each other’s ideas and feelings,

By seeking to understand why a particular issue or point of view is so important to my spouse, and

By finding solutions that leave both of us feeling loved and appreciated.

Ratified, this _____ day of _______________, 2____.

HUSBAND

WIFE

Part Two—Home Improvements

How to Get Your Spouse to Change without Manipulation

A Three-Step Plan

Step 1. Start by admitting your own past failures and request forgiveness.

Step 2. Discover your spouse’s primary love language and speak it daily.

Step 3. When making a request for change,

a. Choose your setting (time, place, emotional climate):

Time—after a meal;

Place—in private; and

Emotional climate—when your spouse gives you permission.

b. Don’t give an overdose of criticism (never more than one request per week, or according to the schedule to which you and your spouse have agreed).

c. Give three compliments before you make your request.

d. When your spouse works to make a change, notice and express appreciation. Accept those things that your spouse cannot or will not change.

What I Wish My Wife Would Change

This is a collection of what husbands have said when asked the question, “What would you like to see your wife change?” Some of these are specific and others are too general to be helpful. They are presented here simply to stimulate your thinking as you make a list of the things you would like to request of your wife. (Remember: Limit your requests to one per week, or according to your agreement with your wife.)

I wish she would not snap at our children.

I wish she would share more of her dreams and fears with me.

I wish she would spend thirty minutes a day talking with me.

I wish she would keep the kitchen desk organized.

I wish she would not clean and fuss with the house when I’m home.

I wish she would develop more confidence in her appearance and be willing to wear “sexy” clothing.

I wish she would stop bringing up the past.

I wish she would stop trying to control my thoughts and activities by making demands.

I wish she would not worry so much.

I wish she would stop being my mother (e.g., reminding me to brush my teeth).

I wish she would look for positive things rather than focusing on the negative.

I wish she would answer my questions with an answer rather than another question.

I wish she would tell me that she admires me.

I wish she would tell me that she is attracted to me.

I wish she would wash and clean the truck every week.

I wish she would talk to me.

I wish she would clean up after herself.

I wish she would stop criticizing me in front of our children.

I wish she would start getting ready earlier so we could arrive at our destination on time.

I wish she would relax and enjoy life more (e.g., watch TV with me).

I wish she would initiate sexual intercourse when she is in the mood, because I’m almost always in the mood.

I wish she would put her clothes away instead of leaving them on the floor.

I wish she would stop being so critical.

I wish she would keep the car cleaner.

I wish she would start working out at the gym and get in shape.

I wish she would learn to go to sleep with the light on so I can read.

I wish she would become more aware of the health problems related to her weight.

I wish she would get rid of some junk.

I wish she would tend to the housekeeping on a more routine basis.

I wish she would help me teach our children the value of work.

I wish she would let me cook more often.

I wish she would quit being angry all the time and have more patience with me and other people.

I wish she had a higher sex drive.

I wish she would keep the animals under better control.

I wish she would stick to her goals, even though it may be uncomfortable.

I wish she would speak kindly to me and about others.

I wish she would allow me to express my opinion even if she disagrees with me.

I wish she would not question my decisions in areas that are not her expertise, such as buying new tires for the car.

I wish she would be more intimate in bed.

I wish she would praise my hard work and say other nice things every day.

I wish she would stop putting me down.

I wish she would not be so critical and condescending toward me and start giving me more affirmation.

I wish she would not drive herself so hard—work hours, business, church.

I wish she would stop interrupting me when we have a discussion.

I wish she would give me a big kiss each morning before I leave the house.

I wish she would learn to discuss difficult issues without becoming defensive and interpreting everything as personal criticism.

I wish she would give me a back rub three times a week.

I wish she would drink Starbucks.

I wish she would stay awake when I’m talking with her.

I wish she were more comfortable leaving our children with babysitters so we could do some fun things together.

What I Wish My Husband Would Change

This is a collection of what wives have said when asked the question, “What would you like to see your husband change?” Some of these are specific and others are too general to be helpful. They are presented here simply to stimulate your thinking as you make a list of the things you would like to request of your husband. (Remember: Limit your requests to one per week, or according to your agreement with your husband.)

I wish he would sit down each evening and talk with me for ten minutes.

I wish he would clean the garage and keep it clean.

I wish he would take nightly walks with me.

I wish he would watch ESPN less.

I wish he would not go from 0 to 60 miles per hour in 2.4 seconds when he is angry.

I wish he would help me give the girls a bath.

I wish he would help me pick up and keep the house cleaner.

I wish he were able to accept some feedback from me. He is extremely sensitive to any comments that may be less than 100 percent positive.

I wish he would not fall asleep when I talk.

I wish he would stop smoking.

I wish he would plan date nights once or twice a month.

I wish he would give me his undivided attention (put down the paper, crossword puzzle, etc.) when I am trying to talk with him.

I wish he would not procrastinate. “I’ll do it tomorrow” is his theme.

I wish he would express appreciation for me and what I do.

I wish he would play more with the children.

I wish he would stop piling papers on the table or clear it off regularly.

I wish he would be less critical of my housework.

I wish he would stop dropping stuff all over the house, starting when he walks in the front door, and leaving stuff where it is dropped.

I wish he would spend more time considering what is important to me.

I wish he would be more frugal with our money and work with me on developing a plan to repay our debts.

I wish he would start picking up the clutter in the house instead of telling me that we need to pick up the clutter in the house.

I wish he would have a ten-minute devotional time with me each day, reading the Bible and praying.

I wish he would ask me what he could do to help me out around the house.

I wish he would let me express my feelings without reacting in anger.

I wish he would speak more kindly to me.

I wish he would turn off the TV and talk with me for a few minutes.

I wish he would exercise with me and try to get in shape.

I wish he would take more pains in washing the windshield and windows in the car.

I wish he would stop “tooting” at the table.

I wish he would pick up his shoes in the bedroom and put them in the closet.

I wish he would talk with me about decisions before he makes them. I’d like to be a partner and work as a team.

I wish he would come to bed the same time I do so that we could talk and sometimes make love together.

I wish he would make an effort to speak proper English. He frequently uses wrong tenses, which makes him appear stupid. He is very intelligent.

I wish he would learn decent eating etiquette.

I wish he would give me some time to be alone. He is wonderful and helpful. I just need some time to be by myself.

I wish he would compliment what I do and how I look, and encourage me.

I wish he would put things away when he finishes a project.

I wish he would stop rescuing our daughters (ages 18 and 20). Let them experience the consequences of their choices.

I wish he would devote as much time, energy, love, and devotion to me as he does to his work and exercise program. I feel like I get what is left at the end of a busy day—and that’s not much.

I wish he would put his arms around me and hold my hand when we walk.

I wish he would initiate more dates with me.

I wish he would mow the grass before the yard becomes unsightly.

I wish he would stop swearing when he gets angry.

I wish he would spend quality time with God, me, and our children.

I wish he would hug me and touch me, even when it doesn’t lead to sex.

I wish he would take the responsibility for handling our personal finances.

I wish he would find some good friends or activities that would allow him some recreational time away from me occasionally. That would allow me to have some girlfriend time without feeling guilty.

I wish he would earn enough money so that I didn’t have to work full time.

I wish he would look intently into my eyes and talk for longer than five minutes.

I wish he would defend me or stand up for me with his parents.

Part Four—Now What?

Traditional Wedding Vows

The Husband Speaking:

I, __________, take thee, __________, to be my wedded wife . . . to have and to hold from this day forward . . . for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer . . . in sickness and in health. To love and to cherish . . . so long as we both shall live, according to God’s holy ordinance, and hereto I pledge thee my faithfulness.

The Wife Speaking:

I, __________, take thee, __________, to be my wedded husband . . . to have and to hold from this day forward . . . for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer . . . in sickness and in health. To love and to cherish . . . so long as we both shall live, according to God’s holy ordinance, and hereto I pledge thee my faithfulness.

Part Five—Making Love

What Husbands Wish

What do you wish your wife would do—or stop doing—to make the sexual relationship better for you? Check the wishes you would like to share with her.

I wish she would learn to enjoy sex rather than looking at it as an obligation.

I wish we would communicate our sexual interests earlier in the day. If both of us are on the same page at bedtime, it can prevent disappointments and create a great time.

I wish she would not talk about my weight.

I wish she would wear sexy clothes and “light my fire.”

I wish my wife wanted to have sex more often. She is so busy.

I wish she would join me in an exercise program.

I wish she would watch more romantic movies with me.

I wish we could spend more quality time together.

I wish she would be open to oral sex.

I wish my wife would initiate sex more often. It is measurably more enjoyable for me when she is more active in getting things started.

I wish she would open up more and talk about this part of our marriage.

I never remember when my wife’s menstrual cycle is, and I don’t seem to figure it out until my motor is already running. I’m asking for a subtle little reminder.

I wish we had sex more often and that she wanted it as much as I do.

I wish she would take more pride in her appearance. No sweat suits in bed.

I wish my wife would stop acting like we have to make an appointment for sex and that she would be more spontaneous.

I wish my wife would be more vocal while making love. Sound is important.

I wish she would be patient and release me from my obligation when her drive for sex is stronger than mine.

I wish she were open to date nights where we could just enjoy doing things together.

I wish there were some variety in our sexual relationship and that we would have sex more often.

I wish she had a traffic light above her head that would tell me when she’s “ready to go.” I don’t like it when I try to initiate sex and I am rejected.

I wish my wife could have sex without so much romance to get it started.

I wish our work schedules could be coordinated. Because we work on different shifts, we have very little time together, thus very little sex.

I wish we had sex more than once a year. I wish her mind was on me rather than on her mom and dad. Maybe when they die, we can have sex.

I wish my wife saw sex more as a mutual experience. It seems more and more about meeting my needs rather than an exciting experience for us.

I wish I didn’t have to use condoms every time we have intercourse. I wish she would take birth-control pills.

I wish she would allow herself to let go of past experiences and enjoy our sexual relationship.

I wish she would not go to bed early so many nights. I wish we could have time to talk and cuddle.

I wish we could make love in the mornings when we are both awake.

I wish my wife would seek medical advice for a physical problem she has that makes it painful for her to have sex. I’m frustrated and don’t know why she won’t seek help.

I wish the word no would disappear from her vocabulary.

I wish she would kick the kids out of our bedroom. I’m wondering if she is just using them to avoid having sex.

I wish that my wife would not bring up problems when we are trying to have sex. We can discuss problems at another time.

Over the years her lingerie closet has become fuller but is opened less often. She is a beautiful woman, and I would enjoy seeing her open that closet more often.

I wish she would not have projects every night that keep us busy but apart.

I wish she would stay awake when we are making love. Her pleasure is just as important as mine, and it’s not fun for me when I am making love with a corpse.

I wish we could dedicate more time to our physical relationship. I wish she understood the importance of it. I miss the closeness.

I wish she were more open to experimentation with new ideas, would let me know what she wants, and would listen to my desires. I don’t want to force anything on her.

I wish she would stop chitchatting during sex and just relax and enjoy it.

I wish she would not expect so much of me in the way of romantic ideas. I’m willing and I try, but it never seems to be enough.

I wish she would stop telling me that I don’t act like I’m attracted to her. I am attracted to her. I don’t know what else to do.

I wish my wife would allow me to pleasure her sexually. She has a general attitude that sex is “nasty.” I know she was sexually abused as a child, but she refuses to go for counseling.

I wish she were more comfortable with her body so we could leave the lights on when we make love. I enjoy seeing her body.

I wish she would make suggestions to me about what makes the sexual experience more pleasurable for her.

What Wives Wish

What do you wish your husband would do—or stop doing—to make the sexual relationship better for you? Check the wishes you would like to share with him.

I wish he would work with me a little more to find out what feels good for me.

I wish he would take better care of his body so that I would be more physically attracted to him.

I wish that he would stop coming on to me constantly so I could make the first move once in a while.

I wish he would not rush into lovemaking—more foreplay.

I wish he would make sex spontaneous rather than ask for it and would hold me more.

I wish he would stop waiting for me to initiate sex.

I wish my husband would spend more time talking and cuddling instead of just jumping right in.

I wish he would realize that things he does throughout the day affect sex that night.

I wish I had more say about when the sexual experience would end; often he stops too soon.

I wish he would spend time listening to me without the computer, radio, or television competing for his attention.

I wish he would listen to me and not criticize my thoughts and feelings.

I wish we could have more family time together. If I feel connected, sex is better.

I wish he would come to bed earlier—turn off the TV sooner, and just come snuggle (pre-sex), making “intimacy” a priority.

I wish he would not come to bed thirty minutes after I’ve gone to sleep and start “pawing” at me.

I wish he would touch me sometimes when he doesn’t want sex. Throw a few hugs and kisses into the mix and I would feel more interested in sex.

I wish he would let me know that he is proud of me and glad I am his wife.

With a new baby, I am tired much of the time. I wish sex wasn’t “expected” so often.

I wish my husband would romance me again, with a flower, note, card, or small gift that says, “I love you.”

I wish he would sit on the couch with me, hold hands, and kiss rather than sleep in the recliner.

I wish he would show more love to me before and after sex, so it’s not just physical but also spiritual and emotional.

I wish we had consistent date nights without discussing cost—just trying new things together.

I wish my husband would stop treating sex like it doesn’t mean anything but a “fix,” stop asking all the time, and stop making me feel guilty when I’m not in the mood.

I wish he would allow me to get into bed, touch him, or cuddle up next to him, even kiss him good night, and not have it always turn into sex.

I wish he would realize that the way he acts when he comes home from work (grouchy, impatient, irritable) sets the tone for the night, and I don’t have a switch that turns all that off and suddenly makes me want to have sex with him.

I wish he would be okay with the fact that sex is not as enjoyable for me as it is for him. I actually love good massages without sex.

I wish he would spend more time before sexual intimacy reaffirming how special I am—things like placing his arm around me, saying something nice about me, treating me in a way that makes me feel loved. Having been sexually abused as a child, I sometimes feel that when these things do not happen, he is just using me for my body.

I wish my husband would remember that because I am post-menopausal, intercourse is painful for me. I want to please him because I love him very much.

I wish he would arrange for a special night or weekend where it is just us so we could concentrate on sexual intimacy.

I wish he would understand that my lack of interest has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with my lack of time and energy and my stress level.

I wish he would stop grabbing me in intimate places when I’m trying to cook dinner or accomplish a task.

I wish my husband would continue to stimulate me throughout the sexual encounter instead of just at the beginning.

I wish we had sex more often and that he was not so tired all the time.

I wish he would not ask for sex when I’m not feeling well. I am pregnant and have morning sickness and just don’t need to be shaken up like a soda bottle.

I wish he would not tease or make “cat calls” when I undress.

I wish he would work with me on our spiritual relationship.

I wish my husband would seek help for impotency. It has been an issue for years.

I wish we would plan intimate nights so we could both “get ready” for a fun evening. Sometimes spontaneous sexual encounters are exciting, but anticipation is fun, too.

I wish he would stop playing solitaire on the computer instead of coming to bed.

I wish he would feel more free to let me know what I am doing—right or wrong—in making the sexual experience good for him.

I wish that my husband would compliment my physical appearance more often, but I want him to mean it.

I wish he would talk about loving me as a person instead of talking about wanting and desiring sex. I want to feel desirable as a woman, not as someone to meet his needs.

I wish he would believe that when I say, “I’m too tired,” I really am too tired.