3

Speak for Yourself

The frustration in in-law relationships often becomes so intense that we find ourselves making condemning statements. We try to listen before we speak and to respect our in-laws, but things keep getting worse. So we lose control and launch an all-out attack. I remember Margot, who said, “I can’t believe I called my daughter-in-law a whore. I guess I had just had it with her little flirty, suggestive behavior. She dresses like a prostitute so I called her one. I don’t know if she will ever speak to me again, and my son is also upset with me.”

Margot was following a pattern that is all too common in in-law relationships. We all have our perception of what is wrong with other people. We allow our hurt and resentment to grow, and then we attack with vicious words that we later regret. Many of these condemning words are characterized by speaking for them. That is, we have reached our conclusions as to the kinds of persons they are. We have determined what we think their behavior means, and we speak for them. “You are irresponsible and disrespectful.”

What Margot said in the heat of anger was, “You little whore. You dress like a prostitute, and I’m surprised you haven’t been raped. You are going to destroy your marriage. Why don’t you think about the children?” Each “you” statement was like another exploding grenade further destroying their relationship. If Margot does not sincerely apologize, her daughter-in-law truly may never speak to her again.

When we begin a sentence with you, we are speaking as though we have ultimate knowledge of a person. In reality, we have only a perception. Such statements come across as condemning and will likely stimulate a defensive response from our in-laws. We end up in a major argument, and both of us go away resenting the other.

There is a simple technique that will help you break this destructive pattern. It’s called “speaking for yourself.” It begins by learning to make “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements. For example, “I feel hurt,” rather than “You hurt me.” If you begin the sentence with “I,” you are reporting or revealing your feelings. If you begin the sentence with “you,” it is an attack. “You” statements are like verbal grenades, which bring hurt, resentment, and often counterattacks. “I” statements reveal a problem without condemning the other person.

Margot’s daughter-in-law was not an immoral woman. While her idea of modest dress was quite different from her mother-in-law’s, she was not intentionally trying to attract other men. Had Margot used “I” statements in conveying her concerns, the outcome might have been totally different. She might have said, “I’m fearful for your marriage. I feel like a lot of men interpret your behavior as an invitation. I don’t think this is what you want. So, I’m not being critical of you; I’m just concerned. I want the best for you and Jerry.” The daughter-in-law might still have been hurt or upset, but she would likely have worked through her feelings and understood Margot’s concerns. When you speak for yourself, you are making valid statements. You are revealing your thoughts, feelings, desires, and perceptions. “I think . . .” “I feel . . .” “I wish . . .” “My perception is . . .” All these statements are valid because they are revealing what is going on inside you. You are speaking for yourself.

When you make “you” statements, you are always wrong because you never fully know what is going on inside another person. Even when you make positive “you” statements, you are speaking beyond your knowledge. “You are the most beautiful person in the world.” This is certainly a positive statement but not a valid statement because you are speaking for all the people in the world. We know what you mean, and it will probably be accepted as a compliment. However, it would be more realistic to say, “I think that you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.” Now the statement seems sincere and not just flattery.

When you are expressing negative ideas, it is even more important to speak for yourself. Neal’s mother, Betty, made unkind statements about his wife, Jan. She accused Jan of being lazy. “Why is she not working?” she asked Neal. “She should be helping you. Together, you could make enough money to buy a house and not have to waste money on rent.” Betty continued her critical speech and concluded with, “Honey, I just want the best for you. I hate to see Jan wasting time.”

Everything within Neal wanted to say, “You don’t understand. You have no right to criticize Jan. You need to keep your mouth shut and stay out of our lives.” Fortunately, Neal had had some training on how to speak for himself. So he began, “I’m glad you shared your thoughts with me. I did not know you were feeling that way. I can understand your concern, and I appreciate it. However, I need to share with you that Jan and I have talked about her working, and both of us have agreed that it would be best if she finished her college degree first. She is taking online classes and will finish next May. We both feel good about what we are doing, but thanks for sharing your concerns.”

In speaking for himself, Neal averted an unnecessary battle with his mother. When your in-laws come at you with condemning statements, to counterattack is to start an unnecessary war. It is far better to respond with “I” statements that reveal your perspective in a positive manner.

The greatest hindrance to speaking for yourself is negative emotions. Hurt, anger, resentment, and fear push us to strike back. But striking back leads to arguments, and arguments lead to broken relationships. That is why I suggest that when you are attacked by your in-laws, take a deep and deliberate breath, followed by a moment of silence, before you speak. This may help you get on the “I” train rather than the “you” train.

Speaking for yourself is a learned pattern of speech. Most of us grew up getting “you” messages. “You disappointed me” and “You disobeyed me” were messages you heard from your parents. “You make me so angry,” “You lied to me,” and “You are irresponsible” are statements your parents may have made to each other.

How do you break out of this destructive, condemning pattern? By conscious choice. First, you must recognize the value of speaking for yourself; then you must try it. Perhaps it would help if you stood in front of the mirror and said, “I feel hurt,” “I feel angry,” “I feel disappointed,” “I feel like you deceived me,” or “I feel like you do not trust me.” When you practice making “I” statements, you are more likely to make them in the context of live conversations.

You will not establish the art of speaking for yourself overnight. From time to time, you will hear yourself begin a sentence with “you.” When you start a sentence with “You are doing . . . ,” catch yourself and say instead, “Let me say that again. I feel that what you are doing . . .” When you restate your sentence with “I” instead of “you,” you are not only learning to speak for yourself but also modeling the process to your in-laws.

In time, you can learn to speak for yourself. When you do, you will have learned an important skill in becoming friends with your in-laws.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. Listen to yourself talk. How many of your sentences begin with “You . . . ,” especially when you are upset? “You” statements start arguments.

2. The next time you have negative feelings, stand in front of a mirror and practice saying, “I feel hurt,” “I feel angry,” “I feel disappointed,” or “I feel like you deceived me.” Then, use the appropriate “I” statement when you talk to the person with whom you are angry.

3. When you start your sentence with “You make me . . . ,” catch yourself and say instead, “Let me say that differently. I feel hurt when you say that.”