The week that passed created a sort of routine. One where Lauren had inexplicably become part of their lives, but she and Cass still didn’t talk about anything real. They revealed parts of themselves in snippets. Cass talked about Vee, but not in the way most parents did, with this obsessive pride that expected interest in their children. There was a wonder in the way she spoke about her daughter’s likes and dislikes, flecked with guilt, as though talking about her at all was like rubbing salt in a wound. Sometimes, it was.
Lauren learnt that Veronica only drank her hot chocolate if it was stirred three times clockwise and three times anticlockwise. That she loved puffins but hated woodpeckers. That she liked to mix ketchup and mayonnaise into a horrid pink concoction before she dipped her chips into it. That she hated stories where the prince turns up and does all the rescuing and that she’d broken her ankle last year playing on a skateboard. The last two were not a surprise.
Vee was exactly the kind of daughter she expected Cass to have – wild and inquisitive, wanting attention and yet enjoying how others interacted. She seemed to like watching Lauren and Cass together. She’d wait quietly, head tilted to the side, trying to understand what they were talking about. Sometimes she’d come in and make herself comfortable, taking a hand or squishing down next to someone on the sofa. Other times she’d just wait, as if she was expecting something magical to happen.
Lauren already loved her. Apart from those shocking moments that seemed to come out of nowhere, where she’d look at her and wonder if her life would have been different if Vee had never existed. Where she almost wished it was so. They passed like waves crashing, frothing up guilt. Those moments always sent her running to buy something for Veronica, to offer her something, to show everyone around her that she was okay with everything, really, she was. And still, it annoyed her that Darren hadn’t wanted to be part of this little girl’s life, hadn’t fought for her. There was a living, breathing part of himself out in the world, and he didn’t care.
There were too many feelings – she was angry at everyone, and yet this little girl existed and that wasn’t going to change. Better to love her, and push her own pain down somewhere dark and hidden. Children couldn’t be blamed for their parents, that was the rule. Even when they seemed to look out from behind their eyes.
They were young, Lauren realised. They were incredibly young in the world, and Darren would go on to have other children down the line, the same way he’d have another wife, another home. Lives could change instantly, everything you set up falling away. She could have hundreds of other adventures before this was all over. She could meet someone else, fall in love, and have this all be a bad dream. A misstart, taking off from the finish line too soon. She’d get a do-over, if she did this right.
But Cass wouldn’t. Cass got this and no more. She had fit a lot more life into the last six years. Hell, she’d fit a lot more life into all her years. She didn’t do drudgery or sameness. She felt fear and loved it, like sitting in that cart, teetering at the edge of the roller-coaster track, waiting for the fun to start. You could always tell what kind of person they were from that; the ones who gripped the safety bar, white-knuckled, wondering if they were going to vomit or fall out, or the ones who threw up their hand and interrupted their screams with laughter, a grin on their face. Then there were the ones like Lauren, who were too scared to go on at all.
‘Can we go to the park, please?’ Vee had sidled in quietly, holding a book open and munching on an apple. Her hair was tied in two long plaits and she seemed to be buzzing with boredom. School started on Monday, and there was a question to be answered there.
Cass looked up from the computer, where she was scrunching up her face and trying to work out connecting flights. ‘Sure, go wrap up warm though. No point getting sick before our big adventure!’
Lauren felt the look the child wanted to share with her, the sense of irony and sadness. Cass would be sick before their big adventure, and during it. Her sickness was the only reason for their trip at all. She shot Vee a smile. ‘Bet I can swing higher on the swings than you.’
‘No way!’ She thundered up the stairs to get her coat, the book and half-eaten apple left on the side.
Cass rolled her eyes and went to pick up the book, folding the corner of the page over, and taking a bite out of the apple. ‘Waste not. And stop wincing. It’s not a library book, it’s hers.’
‘I can’t help it – it’s sacrilege!’ Lauren felt comfortable, for the moment, until awkwardness crept in. Laughing about the things they’d always teased each other about felt like a bad impersonation. They hadn’t earnt it, not yet.
When she was with Cass, they were organising, making careful, meticulous plans the way they never had when they were younger. Because things were different now. Not only was there a change in comfort levels, the fact that now they wanted soft beds and safe surroundings, places they could actually sleep, places they could safely take a five-year-old, but it had to be special, it had to be right. Each place had to make memories. Especially for Veronica. She had to be able to look back at this as a time that was sacred, magical. There would be pain enough later.
Lauren was concerned about whether Cass would be well enough to travel. But every time she tried to bring it up, Cass brushed it off. She had a warning look in her eyes that Lauren remembered well. So they added that to the list of things they didn’t talk about.
The sky was the same grey it had been since she’d arrived, but at least the cold wasn’t biting and the wind had abated. They strolled, not quite arm in arm, but companionably, as Vee broke out into a run when they entered the park. She was so like a puppy, needing to burn off her energy.
‘Don’t worry about her, she does that. It’s like she saves up all her madness and needs to run it off,’ Cass said, as if reading her mind. ‘I wonder if she’ll always be that way. Maybe she’ll become a runner or something.’
‘More like a daredevil speed demon,’ Lauren replied, trying to keep away thoughts of Veronica growing up, and Cass not being there.
‘You don’t have to do that, you know. Protect me. I’m okay with everything. Honestly.’
Lauren huffed a little as they wandered along the path, the greenery only a faint whisper amongst the sludgy mud.
‘How can you possibly be okay? You don’t get points for being the martyr, Cass.’
‘Yeah, but your remaining time is a little less awful,’ Cass sighed, looking past Lauren to an approaching figure. The man was in his mid-thirties, his dark hair just curling out from beneath a ridiculous bobble hat. He had the collar of his coat turned up against the wind, a multicoloured knit scarf around his neck, and his hands tucked into his pockets, shivering a little.
‘Paul!’ Cass called out, waving him over. ‘Hi!’
Oh, here we go again, Lauren thought. It was uncharitable, but Cass was still the same person after all. And yes, there were his eyes, lighting up as he approached, focused on Cass. The same way they always did with men like him. Another willing victim. He wanted to rescue her, just like they all did.
Vee got there first, speeding along like a little jet, almost launching herself at him. ‘Mr T! Happy New Year!’ She stopped short of hugging him, but bounced on her heels. ‘We’re just here with my mum, and my auntie is visiting, and we’re going to have adventures. Did you have a nice Christmas?’
The man blinked at the onslaught. ‘Happy New Year, Veronica. I had a lovely Christmas, thank you. Are you ready for school to start?’
‘No,’ she said with a grin. ‘I have to go play on the slide now.’
He nodded at her seriously, giving a salute. ‘Go forth, play well.’
She rolled her eyes and ran off. By that time, Cass and Lauren had arrived.
‘Ah, there’s trouble, Happy New Year.’
Cass’s smile was wide, unusually real, no coquetry or foolishness. ‘Hello, darling, happy New Year. Paul, this is my friend Loll.’
‘Lauren,’ she interjected, reaching out a hand in a formal way that made her feel embarrassed, even as he took her hand.
‘Paul Thompson, I’m Vee’s teacher.’
‘Vee’s teacher?’ Well, that was a new low, even for Cass.
‘I wish she’d stop calling me Mr T,’ Paul laughed awkwardly, ‘that was clearly your doing.’
Cass looked away, shrugging as the smile tinged her lips. ‘I admit nothing.’
‘I wouldn’t mind,’ Paul turned to Lauren earnestly, ‘but it’s caught on with the other kids. It’ll be in the teachers’ lounge soon enough.’
Lauren couldn’t help but smile back at the man, so awkward yet so clearly unbothered by his trials.
‘It’s nice to meet you,’ he said, focusing his gaze on her, ‘I’ve heard so much about you.’
‘You too. I mean, that it’s nice—’
‘Oh, I’m sure no one’s mentioned me, don’t worry.’
He smiled, but Lauren knew that tone. One of Cass’s admirers, waiting for his chance. They veered from harmless to obsessed, and she knew that. She knew, even after all these years, the way she could make men want to do things for her. It didn’t hurt that she looked more fragile now, like spun glass, all delicate tendrils of hair and huge eyes. Oh God, she was jealous of Cass for being ill? That was a new level of despicable.
‘Paul is part of the resistance, Loll, he’s going to help us.’
Of course he would, Lauren thought with sympathy, how could he stop himself?
‘And how am I going to do that?’ Paul asked, a crease appearing above his right eyebrow.
Lauren wondered whether she should be noticing that crease, or the dimples that appeared when he smiled. She was meant to be in mourning for her relationship. And yet, she actually felt relieved to be alone. To be … untethered.
‘It’s time,’ Cass said simply, looking over to the play area, where Vee was hanging upside down from the climbing frame, clapping hands with another girl. Lauren winced in fear, visualising her falling and crushing her neck, but Cass put up a hand to hold her back. It was her decision, her child. And she wasn’t worried. It wasn’t Lauren’s job to worry. That hurt, just a bit.
‘Time,’ Paul repeated.
‘Time,’ Cass intoned meaningfully, wiggling her eyebrows at him.
‘Do we need to be so cloak and dagger, really?’ Lauren huffed, and then realised how harsh she must have sounded to the man. Yes, you’re dying, get over it. Stop being melodramatic.
Oh God, she was awful. Shut up, Lauren, shut up.
‘We’re planning that trip we talked about, Paul,’ Cass said gently, nudging Lauren in the ribs with her sharp elbows, ‘and I’m going to need written permission to take her out of school, right? Whatever that compassionate leave she’d get after I’m gone, why shouldn’t she have it while I’m here? Put it to good use. You agreed.’
‘I do agree … in principle,’ he admitted, ‘but …’
‘No,’ Cass held up a hand, ‘this is what I want. For my ending, my journey, this is what I want for her and for me, and for Loll.’
Lauren blinked at this, turning her head towards Cass, who gave nothing away.
‘So take it to the headteacher, or whoever it is. The people who follow pointless rules who can tell me it’s okay for me to take my kid abroad for a couple of months. How much can she really be missing?’
It was quite obvious Paul wasn’t as easy-going as he seemed. Two red spots appeared on his cheeks. ‘Well, that’s a lovely way to sum up the difference I’m making to young lives, thanks.’
‘Is it allowed?’ Lauren asked.
Paul shook his head, meeting her eyes. ‘I honestly don’t know, we haven’t really had this situation before. I know we’ll have to set up a homework schedule so she doesn’t miss out, we might have to Skype or something, and you’ll have to prove you’re up to a home-learning schedule. The head will definitely have to be involved, and the governors.’
Cass looked unconcerned, but Lauren supposed she had the advantage. She was dying, she just wanted to do whatever she felt like – there would be no consequences for her. But everyone else would be left to pick up the pieces.
‘How long will you be gone?’
The real question Paul wanted to ask, the one everyone asks, sat beneath his words.
‘How long do you think we can push for?’ Cass asked, avoiding Paul’s eyes, looking over at her daughter, who was now hanging like a monkey from the bars.
‘The less time she’s gone, the less worried they’ll be about her catching up. She’ll probably be under extra supervision … after.’ Paul looked awkward, balling his fists into his coat pocket, shifting his weight side to side as he tried to find the words. ‘Cass, in all honesty, have you thought about what this is going to be like for Veronica?’
Lauren watched as Cass’s eyes flashed briefly, and she turned to the teacher, ‘Paul, you think I think of anything else but how my baby is going to deal with everything when I’m gone? You know everything I’m doing is for her.’
‘No, actually, I don’t know that.’ Paul stood his ground, and in that moment Lauren changed her mind about him. He wasn’t another man to have his will bent to Cass’s whims. Maybe he had potential after all. Maybe he could make sure that Vee had the best care anyone could have under the circumstances. ‘I think you’re only thinking short-term – you want to take her on holiday, give her these wonderful memories. What’s she going to do after, Cass? What’s she going to do when her friends all forge new friendships? When she feels lonely hanging out with two adults? Kids need structure, they need support …’
Paul spoke with passion and Lauren could clearly see in that moment why he did what he did. It was easy to look at a man with a bobble hat and a silly scarf and judge him. He wasn’t weak.
He wasn’t wrong, either. Veronica would need her friends, would need normality. It wasn’t fair to wrench her out of everything on some selfish quest. And yet … they couldn’t go without her. She needed to be there, she needed that time. They all did.
‘A month,’ Lauren heard herself say. ‘We’ll be gone a month. We’ll register for home schooling, we’ll do everything they ask. We’ll send homework remotely. And if we time it right, we’ll have a week of half term, right? So it’ll only be three weeks. I imagine we’ll need to present something to the governors, and the local authority, perhaps? I’ll look into the paperwork …’
‘Woah,’ Paul looked at her, ‘someone’s a planner.’
‘Lawyer.’ Cass tilted her head towards Lauren, ‘Someone has to be the adult in this situation.’
Even that admission of her talents had deflated Lauren. She was the boring adult who dealt with the paperwork.
Paul smiled at her, a real smile. ‘Well I’m glad someone’s thinking this through. Three weeks is something we can work with. I’ll give you my email address, Lauren. Send me what you’ve got as a proposal, and I’ll see what I can do.’
He held out his hand with such expectation that Lauren blinked.
‘Give him your phone, Loll,’ Cass sighed, suddenly irritable. She watched Veronica, who was running around with her friends, her braids swinging behind her as she pulled up short to wave.
Even as Lauren handed over her phone, she watched the rigid line of Cass’s shoulders, the pressing together of her lips as she tried to remain composed. Lauren would have recognised that micro-moment anywhere. She had seen it a hundred times before, as Cass wrestled her emotions. When pretending to be happy at her mother’s latest beau, or when a boy turned cruel at her rejections. When Barbara got sick, when she met Darren for the first time … Cass’s attempts at stoicism were the same. Woefully inadequate.
‘She’ll be happy, Paul. She’ll be so happy, for those four weeks. That’s the point,’ Cass’s voice trembled, but she didn’t look back.
Paul’s brow creased in pity, but he seemed to know her well enough not to step closer. ‘But four happy weeks won’t make up for a life without her mother.’
‘It might,’ Cass said, turning to him, looking at Lauren. ‘We can make it special. I’ve … I’ve got it sorted, just … I’ll take care of my daughter. I just need you two to sort out the practicalities, you know that’s never been my strength.’
Lauren snorted at her tone, imperious as ever. It seemed that Paul shared her opinion, bowing dramatically.
‘Glad to be of service, my lady.’
Cass’s lip lifted, just a little, and she turned her sunshine on them both, reaching out a hand to each of them. ‘Oh ignore me, being grouchy. I do appreciate you, both, and all you’re doing to make this happen. I just … I want to give her this. I haven’t been able to give her everything I wanted, and I need to do this.’
‘I know,’ Lauren said, squeezing back, ‘and we will. We just have to do things properly. Crossing i’s and dotting t’s.’
‘I second that,’ Paul nodded, ‘Look. We’ll work together and do what we can.’
He paused, his eyes searching Cass, scanning her. ‘And you’re looking after yourself, right?’
Cass smiled wryly, crossing her arms. ‘Oh how I miss the days when people asked me how my Christmas was. See you on Wednesday for the pub quiz?’
Paul shook his head. ‘First week back, I’m going to be exhausted. Tell Barry I said not to try to answer any of those music questions. Man’s tone deaf.’
Cass nodded, threading her arm through Lauren’s. ‘Well, I’ll have Loll to replace you. She’s a know-it-all, I’m sure we’ll be on a winning streak.’
Lauren gritted her teeth. Another one of those compliments.
‘I’m sure you will.’ Paul smiled at her, and she couldn’t help but smile back, noticing those dimples again. ‘I’ll be in touch, Lauren, and we’ll work out a plan to sort this one out.’
‘Right,’ she nodded, wondering what that feeling was, like she was being seen properly. It felt strangely gratifying.
Cass seemed to be bored now she’d gotten what she wanted, shivering slightly in the cold, so she waved and dragged Lauren off, calling out to Veronica as they approached the playground. The child waved, paused to see if she was being told she had to leave, and seeing they were just walking along, realised she could carry on playing.
‘Keep it in your pants, Loll, you’ve only been single a few weeks,’ Cass laughed, her grip on Lauren’s arm vice-like.
‘Ooh, someone doesn’t like sharing,’ Lauren found her voice, trying to sound playful, sound like her old self. But this time there was clearly a bite underneath. The years apart had stopped her hiding how she felt.
‘I think we better stay off that topic, don’t you?’
‘That’s up to me, isn’t it?’
‘It’s all up to you, Loll. You’re the good one here. Whatever you want, babe.’
‘I …’ Lauren shook her head, trailing off. She never knew what she wanted. Cass knew that.
‘Or we could just carry on pretending everything’s okay, until we can’t pretend anymore? And if we’re very, very lucky, I’ll be dead before then,’ Cass replied, and they walked on in silence, until Veronica zoomed over, waving goodbye to her friends, talking ten to the dozen about all the adventures they’d have.
That night Lauren lay in her bed at the hotel, listening to the sounds on the pier, hen and stag parties roaming in search of booze and adventures, and not even three glasses of gin could quiet her sudden fear that this trip was a terrible, terrible idea.