Chapter 2: The Price of Bullying
“He gave up all forms of sport, wouldn’t do his homework, and would just end up leaving school. He was angry all the time. He was picked on, period. Home was the only place he could go where he wouldn’t be picked on.”
— Mother of a fourth grade student who pulled a knife on his bullies
Introduction
When the topic of a bully’s victim comes up, the tendency is to imagine a physically abused, broken-spirited child who has been systematically tortured by a more powerful, manipulative, and intimidating bully. Picture this child as an adult, and images of a depressed, socially unskilled, isolated person who trusts few, if any, others and appears to lack self-confidence. While this is a fair assessment of the victim then and now, it is considerably more involved than this. Through unchecked childhood bullying, the suffering of the victim drastically affects his or her character and emotional development to such an extent that without mental health and spiritual intervention, this is a “lost soul,” forever caught in a past of rage, pain, and helplessness. As the victim grows into adulthood, he or she has little self-esteem to build upon to form a happy, healthy future. Diminished social skills, lack of self-confidence, a seething core of internal anger, and a dark depression are ever-present barriers for the victim who suffered through years of bullying. Perhaps the face of the bully changed over the years; if a child is an easy target for one bully, he or she is equally as vulnerable to other bullies over the years. This pattern often continues into the occupational setting; workplace bullying is another aspect of interpersonal exploitation that is receiving a significant amount of research; “toxic workplaces” are extremely destructive.
It is often forgotten that there are other victims of a bully’s behavior: the bystanders who are silent witnesses but do not intervene, and the bully, amazingly. A society wonders why its people should care about harm done to the bystanders who did nothing to help the victim and the harm done to the bully; no one should care since they finally got what they deserved. This pattern of thinking fails to take into account that victims, bystanders, and bullies all grow up, taking their emotional turmoil along with them. Bullies do not simply stop. They eventually are stopped, usually by the criminal justice system. Bystanders carry the daily burden of knowing that someone suffered, and they let it continue.
Americans spend billions of dollars to maintain the criminal justice system, which is where a large proportion of now-adult bullies end up. Former child bullies escalate their narcissistic bids for power and control over others into assault and battery, sexual assault, domestic violence, and homicide. Taxpayers pay the bill for their legal proceedings, incarceration, and removal from society. It is interesting to note that violent offenders frequently become prison gang leaders. The bullying does not stop; it just takes on a more frightening face.
Mental health treatment is costly for insurance companies and results in missed hours of work, meaning a loss of productivity for businesses. Bystanders who were witnesses to the torment of others can experience depression and anxiety as adults. Their shame and guilt about failing to intervene in a bullying victim’s distress is a keen trigger of mood disorders. Since one of the symptoms of clinical major depression is strong feelings of shame and guilt, a former bystander is a prime candidate for developing a mood illness in adulthood, along with a number of other behaviors that they view as personal failures.
Although most feel compassion for the victims of bullying, regardless of their age, it seems difficult to feel that same compassion for bystanders and bullies. However, both groups are also victims of themselves and their own acts or omissions. Society then becomes a victim – of crime, of increased taxes, lost manpower hours, and of insurance costs. Looking at bullying from this point of view, it is not necessary to feel compassion for bystanders and bullying, but it is something for which society pays, like it or not.
Case Study: Anne M.
Anne came to the mental health clinic as a referral from her primary care physician, who said that Anne, 32, has a history of physical complaints like migraine headaches, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, and insomnia. Anne is married with three children whom she home-schools, ages 3, 5, and 8. She told the intake counselor that she home-schools her children because “schools are too violent and there’s too many drugs. I’m afraid they’ll get hurt.”
She is aware that her physician referred her to the mental health clinic because he thinks she may be suffering from depression, which may be manifesting itself as physical problems.
On the Beck Depression Inventory Anne endorsed questions that indicated the presence of moderate depression; her answers regarding shame and guilt were the most significant. A clinic psychiatrist diagnosed Anne with major depression and prescribed an anti-depressant medication along with psychotherapy. Anne did well in therapy and described many past events that contributed to her feelings of shame and guilt, including having an abortion at age 17, having a lesbian affair in her early 20s, and watching a classmate being bullied and doing nothing to intervene.
Anne said that in junior high, she was in a French class with a classmate named Lanell who was a Mennonite. Lanell wore very conservative and “old fashioned” clothing, did not use make up and perfume, and wore her hair in long braids down her back. Lanell sat two seats up from Anne; between them was a boy named Mark. Anne stated that Mark bullied Lanell in some way during every French class. She described this bullying behavior as pulling Lanell’s braids, making fun of her clothes loud enough for others to hear, telling her that she was ugly and stupid, and ridiculing her religion, calling her a “Bible pounder,” “Preacher girl,” “Jesus’ girlfriend.” Mark shoved Lanell’s books off her desk, poked her in the back, and kept asking her to kiss him like a “real girl.” There were times, Anne stated, that Lanell would cry and ask Mark to stop, but he laughed at her and did even more “mean things” to her. Whenever Mark bullied Lanell, he would look back at Anne to see if she had noticed; Anne always laughed at Mark’s bullying because she was afraid not to; she was afraid that if she did not play along with Mark, he would begin bullying her. Neither Anne nor any other classmate intervened on Lanell’s behalf. Anne cited a specific incident that sparked her feelings of shame and guilt: One day Lanell excused herself to go to the bathroom, and in her absence Mark got into her purse and stole her Bible. Lanell did not immediately notice that the Bible was gone. The next day, the Bible was on Lanell’s desk, covered in urine stains. Mark told Anne that he had ruined Lanell’s Bible, and Anne laughed even though she was offended by what Mark had done. A few days later, Lanell was called out of the classroom, and the principal came to talk to the French class at the teacher’s request. The principal talked about Lanell being bullied and how no one deserved that kind of behavior. The principal talked further about how cruel the class had been to Lanell just because she was different from them. Although the principal did not mention Mark and Anne by name, all the other students were staring at them. When the principal left and Lanell came back into the classroom, Mark poked her in the Lanell was not bullied by Mark or anyone else again. Anne told her therapist that she still thought about Lanell and felt extremely guilty that she did not stop Mark from bullying her. “I was just as bad as he was because I went along with it and even laughed while Lanell was crying.” Anne stated that she would like to find Lanell and apologize to her. Unless she did this, she would be unable to forgive herself. Anne admitted that one reason she home-schools her children is that she does not want what she and Mark did to Lanell to happen to them.
The Price Paid By the Bully
Derek Randel, a former teacher and now a trainer on bullying issues, notes that, because of the power imbalance between the bully and the victim, this pattern could repeat itself later in life with other relationships, such as dating violence, racial harassment, child abuse, and spouse abuse. Bullies identified by age eight are six times more likely to be convicted of a crime by age 24 than non-bullies, according to Randel. If they are allowed to bully in school and get away with it, they will go on to be workplace bullies. Randel notes that bullies tend to have less education, a higher drop-out rate, and more unemployment. In a grim context, Randel notes his belief that bullies are at greater risk of suicide than their victims.
The stereotyped image of a bully being big, clumsy, stupid, and disliked by peers is far from factual. On the contrary, it may be superficially observed that bullies are popular and well-liked by their peers. This is an illusion, both for the child and the adult bully; they are not able to form or maintain close personal, genuine relationships. By the time bullies reach late adolescence, their popularity in the peer group begins to deteriorate; the group matures, but the bully does not. His or her school performance also declines. Aging bullies are likely to become involved with drugs and alcohol as teenagers, and develop alliances in a similar deviant peer group, including involvement in youth gangs.
In 2003, a study was conducted by Fight Crime: Invest in Kids. Nearly 60 percent of the boys who researchers classified as bullies in grades six through nine were convicted of at least one crime by the age of 24; 40 percent of them had three or more convictions by 24, the report said. In another study that spanned 35 years, researcher E. Eron followed several children from the age of eight who were identified as bullies by other children. The result of Eron’s research is not surprising; he found that childhood bullies continued to bully as adults. They required more governmental aid because of their tendency to be convicted of crimes and incarcerated, they had higher rates of alcoholism requiring government-subsidized treatment, and their development of personality disorders caused them to have multiple, unstable, violent marital relationships. They spent a great deal of time in family court.
An issue that has been receiving much attention in the past decade is whether a childhood bully is mentally ill. To some, this seems like a “cop out,” a way to relieve bullies of accountability for their actions. To others, it seems like a way to explain the bully’s behavior, but not excuse the bully from personal responsibility. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, Version Four, Text Revised, contains a section on Conduct Disorder, a mental health disorder usually diagnosed in infancy, childhood, or adolescence. According to the DSM-IV-TR, Conduct Disorder is “a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated.”
Four life-functioning areas are classified in the diagnosis of Conduct Disorder: aggression to people and animals including bullying, threatening, or intimidating others (emphasis ours), destruction of property, deceitfulness or theft, and serious violations of rules at home, in school, and in society as a whole. Other aspects of Conduct Disorder that may be interpreted as being related to bullying are initiating physical fights, being physically cruel to others, stealing while confronting the victim, and deliberately destroying another’s property. Among mental health practitioners, there is a saying that “parents usually get the kind of kids they deserve.” When discussing the etiology of Conduct Disorder, the DSM-IV-TR notes that children diagnosed with this condition tend to come from homes where there is domestic violence, substance abuse, criminality, poverty, and neglectful, uninvolved parenting. In such environments, there is little opportunity for a child to develop empathy for others and a genuine desire to form healthy interpersonal relationships; this is the perfect environment for the psychogenesis and perpetuation of bullying behavior.
When children diagnosed with Conduct Disorder reach their 18th birthdays, they no longer suffer from Conduct Disorder, but “graduate” to the Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Children below the age of legal adulthood are not diagnosed with personality disorders because, according to various psychological theories, they are not old enough to have formed personalities. Their personality and character make-up are still under construction. But on that magical day that they turn 18 they are Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) adults.
Briefly, ASPD adults have no remorse or conscience for those they harm. They are manipulative and intimidating to get their way, and they:
• Frequently engage in criminal behavior, including homicide.
• Will not conform to social rules, laws, or norms.
• Are impulsive and do not learn from their mistakes.
• Have no sense of responsibility.
• Have irritable, angry, aggressive thoughts and feelings.
• Are often involved in physical fights with no regard for their safety or the safety of others.
To date, there is no empirical, peer-reviewed research indicating that a significant number of childhood bullies have Conduct Disorder and that they all grow up to be ASPD adults. DSM-IV-TR diagnoses are sometimes tenuous; a patient either meets the full criteria for a mental health disorder or the patient does not meet the criteria. Thus, a child who bullies may have some of the features of Conduct Disorder, but the child’s behavior does not meet the full diagnostic criteria for the disorder. Simply being able to imitate a quacking sound does not necessarily make one a duck.
Whether a bully suffers from Conduct Disorder does not lessen a victim’s pain. For the victim, the question is not “Why?” but “Why me?”
Case Study: Charles M.
He was born “No-name Maddox” on 12 November, 1934. His mother, Kathleen, was a teenage alcoholic and prostitute. Unwanted and unloved, his mother offered to sell him to a bartender for a pitcher of beer. His mother briefly married an older man who gave the child his last name: Manson.
Charles Milles Manson was left to virtually fend for himself in life when he was six years old. Kathleen and her brother were incarcerated for robbing a gas station. Charlie was passed around from relative to relative who did not want him. “I can still remember hearing grownups refer to me as “the little bastard.” If Charlie cried about anything, his uncle called him a “sissy” and punished him by dressing him in girls’ clothes and sending him to school. “I was teased and hit so much, I went into a rage and started fighting everyone. I was the fightin’est little bastard they ever saw. I was sick of being teased, laughed at, hit, kicked, not allowed to play with the other boys. All that changed me.”
Because his mother could not care for him, Charlie was made a ward of the court and placed in a religious-oriented school, the Gibault Home for Boys in Indiana. Discipline was strict at Gibault; for even minor infractions Charlie, age 12, was whipped with a leather strap or wooden paddle. Charlie described his life at Gibault: “I was a small kid. I was easy pickings for those who inclined to be bullies. I saw a lot of things. I saw kids forced into homosexual acts. I was told all kinds of ways to beat the law. If you care too much about a part of your life, like me wanting to see my mom, others take advantage of it and ridicule you constantly.” Charlie ran away from Gibault, was caught, and taken to the Indiana School for Boys at Plainfield, Indiana. Charlie was constantly in trouble for rule violations. The first night he was there, he was beaten and raped repeatedly by older boys. He alleged in his biography that the administrators of the school not only knew about the constant beatings and rapes, they often encouraged such treatment for a troublemaker like Charlie. He was a victim of bullying and severe sexual assaults; in turn, he himself raped and beat younger, smaller children. At Plainfield, rapes and beatings were like a spectator sport; these incidents were always observed by the other boys and some staff members. Charlie was released from Plainfield when he turned eighteen years old.
On the nights of August 9 and 10, 1969, a total of seven people were horrifically murdered and mutilated in an affluent section of Los Angeles. Charles Manson ordered five members of his so-called “family” to commit these murders and told them exactly how to kill the victims. By the time of the Manson Murders, Charlie, at age 35, had been incarcerated most of his juvenile and adult life. He had no empathy for others. He was ruthless in his violent acts; these murders were the result of Charlie’s desire to control others. Not many Americans over 40 do not recognize the name of Charles Manson; a national magazine called him “the Most Dangerous Man Alive.” Now 73 years old, Charlie remains incarcerated in California. His last parole hearing was on 22 May 2007; none of the “Manson family” killers have ever been paroled; Charlie knows he will die in prison.
Charles Manson was first bullied as a small child. At Gibault, he was bullied by older boys. At Plainfield, he was repeatedly beaten and raped. These are the life experiences that, perhaps, created a killer. It should be noted, however, that at various stages of his life, Manson was the victim of bullying, the bully, and a bystander to the bullying of other boys at Plainfield. For at least 40 years, forensic behavioral experts have attempted to understand all that led up to those two nights of murder in 1969. Not all killers were bullied, and not all bullies grow up to be killers. In all the years that have passed since the Tate-LaBianca murders that were planned by Charles Manson and carried out by members of his “family” of other outcasts and misfits, forensic examiners, including this author, have tried to discover the social “recipe” that created one of the most vicious killers of our time. Only one thing is known for certain: Manson was bullied, was a bystander to bullying, and then became a bully all before his 18th birthday. The society that created him paid a terrible price, i.e. the death of at least seven innocent people. If you create the monster, you own it.
In the conclusion to his biography of Charles Manson, Nuel Emmons, who once served time with Charlie in prison, wrote, “What made Manson what he is? The unbroken chain of horrifying abuse and neglect from early childhood on doesn’t explain it all, for others with an equally unhappy past have managed to escape his fate. Ultimately, the mystery of Manson’s life and the man he became is a complex one that doesn’t yield easily to examination. But somewhere in this story and his own words, some of the answers may begin to emerge, allowing us to see him, and perhaps some part of ourselves, more clearly.”
Case Study: Martin M.
Martin, a military enlisted member, 22, was referred to the mental health clinic by his First Sergeant. Martin failed his “level” exams, resulting in his failure to advance to the next enlisted rank. His First Sergeant believed that Martin was a very bright young man who could be an asset to the military. After working with him for almost two years, the First Sergeant thought Martin’s primary issue was his lack of self-esteem; he did not believe he could succeed in his military career and had given up on himself.
Martin was unmarried and never had a steady girlfriend. He had two friends in his workplace but did not socialize with them after work.
Martin was a young man of average height and weight, also average in appearance with good personal hygiene. He was overly formal initially with his therapist, responding to most questions with, “Ma’am,” “Yes ma’am,” or “Permission to speak, Ma’am?” When told to put himself at ease, Martin had difficulty doing this, but did loosen up as the intake session progressed.
Discussing the failure of his level exam, Martin said, “I have never succeeded in anything, so I guess this is more of the same, Ma’am.” Martin described his family life when he was growing up as “fine,” stable, no unusual problems or unique, distressing circumstances. He had been a good student in school, but did not participate in extracurricular activities. When asked about his peer group in school, Martin hesitated before finally answering, “I didn’t have one.” He went on to explain that he was not well-liked in junior high and high school. When asked to elaborate on this response, Martin’s eyes welled with tears that he attempted to hide. The therapist asked, “Did anything bad happen to you in school, Martin?” He nodded, unable to speak. After a few moments the therapist asked, “Martin, were you ever bullied in school?” Martin nodded and said, “No one has ever asked me about this before, even though everybody in school knew it.”
Slowly, Martin told the story he had never before articulated. In the sixth grade, he began to be bullied by a classmate named Tom, who was larger than Martin and was known for bullying smaller boys. Martin was unaware if any intervention was taken with Tom; all he knew was that for the whole school year, the bullying continued. Martin said that he sat directly behind Tom’s chair in the classroom. When the teacher was not watching, Tom knocked Martin’s books and papers off his desk, stepped hard on his feet, flipped rubber bands at his face, stole his pencils, and once ripped up Martin’s homework. Martin was disciplined for failing to turn in that homework.
Tom often whispered to Martin, “You’ll get yours during lunch period” and “I know where you live, so be watching for me.” Sure enough, Tom followed Martin to school and demanded that Martin give him his lunch money. To prevent this, Martin began bringing his lunch to school, but
Tom took that away from him also. Tom demanded that Martin buy him cookies and candy, telling him that if he did not comply, Tom would kill his dog, which Martin loved and viewed as his only companion.
Martin never told anyone about being bullied. In the seventh grade, Martin hoped he had seen the last of Tom, yet they both ended up in the same school and in several of the same classes. The bullying continued and even escalated. Tom played football and soccer at school and was popular among his classmates. Tom told Martin to do his homework for him so he would not be expelled from the football and soccer teams. If Tom received less than a B on the homework, he again threatened to kill Martin’s dog.
Tom’s abuse of Martin became physical in the eighth grade. Tom frequently slapped and kicked Martin in full view of other classmates who laughed at Martin’s distress. Still, Martin told no one about the bullying, saying, “Why should I have to? Everybody saw it.” He did not tell his parents because he was ashamed that he did not fight back against Tom, now even larger in size and strength than Martin.
At this point, Martin stopped his story and said, “There’s nothing else to say. This went on until I graduated. I had no friends. Everyone made fun of me, and no girls would even look at me. I was a coward and I hated myself for that. I still do. One time I tried to ask Tom to stop, and all I got was a black eye. It all was not so long ago.” Martin did not attend his high school graduation because Tom told him he planned to set his graduation cloak on fire in front of everyone.
“I hated him, and I had fantasies about killing him, but I hated myself more.” Martin admitted that he thought about suicide many times but did no harm to himself because, “I didn’t even have the guts to take myself out. I remember a TV movie that was based on a real event. It was about this guy that terrorized an entire town. He was as mean as they come, and did tons of bad things to others. He even shot a guy and got away with it. Even the law was afraid of him. Then one day the town had enough. A group of men ambushed him and shot him to death. That’s the kind of fantasy I had about killing Tom because I wasn’t his only victim. We should have gotten together and done something.”
Martin joined the military right out of high school to get away from Tom and all his classmates who had laughed at him. “I thought the military would make a man of me.” Martin was an Honor Graduate from Basic Military Training and was assigned to his current base where his job performance was satisfactory, but not all he was capable of.
Martin denied any history of substance abuse problems or criminal history of any kind. When he was asked to express how he felt after being bullied for so many years, Martin began crying in earnest. He said, “I didn’t even go to the prom. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and I’m still a virgin. Why would anyone want to date a wimp like me?
I should have done something to Tom, but that would have made it worse. You know that song by Aerosmith, “Jayne’s Got a Gun,” where she kills her father for raping her? That’s how I feel. But I couldn’t hurt anyone, I don’t even know if I could return fire on an enemy so what am I doing in the military? I have all this hate and anger inside about Tom, about myself, about all those people who laughed and watched and didn’t do a damn thing. Excuse my language, Ma’am. I care about my level exams, but I don’t. When you’ve been a failure as long as I have, you get used to it. I’m just waiting for somebody else to take me on as their personal whipping boy. I know it will happen, so why even bother with level exams? I’ll get kicked out, but at least I’ll get away from the next guy who takes Tom’s place. I don’t have any past, and I don’t have any future. Where was God all those years? I’ll tell you; God was one of the bullies.”
The Effects of Being Bullied, Then and Now
Martin’s story reflects the dark impact of being bullied for a prolonged time: loss of self-esteem, social isolation, depression, thoughts of suicide, contemplation of revenge, failure to live up to academic abilities, feelings of hopelessness, anger, and being mistrustful of others. He developed a “learned helplessness,” believing that there was nothing he could do – then or now to change how he thinks and feels about being bullied. For Martin, life was merely a series of failures, and he was just biding his time until his next failure.
Being constantly victimized and firmly believing that nothing can be done to stop it is a theme well known to victims of child abuse, spousal abuse, concentration camp survivors, and prisoners of war. Targets of bullying are difficult to identify because they are afraid to disclose what is happening to them; they may have been threatened by the bully’s promise of retaliation if the child tells or the child does not tell out of embarrassment and shame. The child feels he or she should handle this matter without adult intervention; to do otherwise would make the child appear weak or a tattletale. This is helplessness at its worst; if the child tells, or does not tell, there will be repercussions.
McGrath’s List of The Effects of Being Bullied
• Increased illnesses, particularly stress-related illnesses
• Physical injuries resulting from being bullied
• Attempted and completed suicide
• Feelings of isolation, exclusion, and alienation
• Difficulty forming deep relationships
• Increased fear and anxiety
• Depression
• Feelings of incompetence and powerlessness
• Truancy to avoid the bully
• Increased absence from school due to stress-related illnesses
• Lower academic achievement and class participation
• Difficulty concentrating on schoolwork
McGrath also notes that victims of bullying are affected for life by their early experiences. Unlike those who experience single-event trauma such as natural disasters, victims of bullies experience chronic trauma, a series of repetitive, daily assaults upon their physical and emotional integrity. Children who experience chronic trauma are more likely, as adults, to develop addictions, compulsive behavior, depression, and anxiety. Since the child is virtually held captive by the bully, he or she is prone to developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. McGrath lists the following PTSD symptoms associated with long-term trauma:
Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome Symptoms
• Persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive, or inhibited anger.
• Re-living traumatic events or feeling detached from emotions.
• Sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, feeling different from other people.
• Attributing total power to the bully, preoccupation with thoughts of revenge.
• Social isolation, distrust of others, repeated search for a rescuer.
• Loss of a sustaining faith, sense of hopelessness and despair.
Derek Randall adds some additional insight into the harm done to bullied children.
Harm Done to Bullied Children
• Lonely, unhappy, frightened feelings.
• Feeling physically unsafe at school and home.
• Believing there is something “wrong” with him or her.
• Loss of confidence.
• Death by “bullycide,” a new term for suicide related to being bullied.
• A build-up of anger and aggression that leads the victim to take out his or her anger on the entire school population.
• Hypervigilence, “scanning” to be certain of safety.
For many victims of ongoing childhood bullying, the emotional effects are a life sentence. If the direct effects of the bullying are not difficult enough, research indicates that other students and even teachers tend to place blame for being bullied on the child who is being bullied.. Their lack of social skills and conflict resolution, passivity, being “geeks,” having attention deficit disorder or hyperactivity that causes irritating behaviors, and being vulnerable targets results in a “blaming the victim” posture by others.
The following is a vignette transcribed from the notes of a therapist and a patient who presented to the clinic with symptoms of depression, anger, and problems with self-esteem:
Notes of a Therapist
Therapist: Do you recall your age when you were first bullied in school?
Client: Yes, it was in first or second grade, elementary school.
Therapist: Can you describe what happened to you?
Client: I was the smallest child in my class, not very athletic. It started out as being verbally made fun of like I was a “runt,” and I wouldn’t get picked to play games on a team because of my small size. The bullying progressed to being physically pushed around and beaten up because I was too small to defend myself from the bigger kids.
Therapist: What, if anything, did you do to respond to the bullying?
Client: I fought back with the only thing I could do, which was making better grades than anyone, then calling them “stupid” and stuff like that. This only led to me being bullied even more. As I grew older, I volunteered to become a member of the school safety patrol and bus monitor so I could get back at them by getting them in trouble. The vicious cycle continued because they just picked on me more.
Therapist: What was the worst thing that happened when you were in school?
Client: When I was a little kid, I had no friends. I was excluded from doing things with the other kids; I never developed a peer group to be with. I was isolated by my own choice because I didn’t want to be picked on, but also my peer group didn’t want me anyway. I just gave up trying. I did have some friends who were in the “geek” group. Sometimes the “cool” group singled out one of the geeks to pick on, and the rest of us geeks just let it happen; better him than us! We offered up a sacrificial lamb so they wouldn’t come after the rest of us.
Therapist: How did all this make you feel?
Client: Angry, wanting revenge, sad. I think all this laid a foundation for me as an adult feeling as if I always had to prove myself.
Therapist: Did you tell anyone about the bullying?
Client: I did tell some of my teachers and my parents; they always went for solutions to put a stop to it. But it all backfired; when the teachers and my parents weren’t around, the bullying just got worse.
Therapist: Did you feel like you could count on anyone for understanding, encouragement, and support?
Client: They couldn’t do anything. Eventually, it would all come back on me. So I stopped telling.
Therapist: When you were being picked on, was anyone else watching?
Client: There were the kids who were doing stuff to me, and then there were kids who watched, but never said or did anything. They were afraid of retaliation by the bullies.
Therapist: So, in general, how did you survive your elementary school days? How did you cope?
Client: By not being involved. I did things with the other geeks like being in the chess club, the chorus, and didn’t hang out with the other kids.
Therapist: Okay, bring me up to your adult life. As an adult, have you ever been bullied by other adults?
Client: Yes.
Therapist: Can you describe what you mean?
Client: No, not in college or graduate school. Then I was commissioned into the military. The entire military rank structure is nothing but veiled bullying. Superiors bully subordinates because they can with no repercussions. They have absolute control over your career; whether you get promoted, what duties you are assigned, and how well you are perceived to perform those duties. Since other people were in control of me, I made up for it by bullying others.
Therapist: How did you do that?
Client: Once I achieved a senior rank, I could bully subordinates, so I did. I could chew people out in public, I could give my subordinates bad performance reports, I could use my rank and position to always get my way. At times, I knew I was hurting others, but didn’t always care. I didn’t understand how much I was hurting others, and really didn’t care to know. In my world, I was either the predator or the prey. That was the way of the world; that’s the only way I understood the world.
Therapist: By wielding the power of your rank and position, what do you think you were doing for yourself?
Client: I did what was done to me. This was all I knew.
Therapist: Did your own bullying behavior stop?
Client: Oh yes, only when I was out-bullied by my superiors at one of my assignments. My jig was up. Everyone was sick of my behavior and filed all kinds of complaints. I was relieved of most of my supervisory duties. My entire career was threatened if I didn’t make some changes. My wife was also a military officer who loved and supported me, but she also knew that I did need to change the way I interacted with others. I had to re-build my “self” that was based on being bullied, and now able to bully others in return.
Therapist: How did you accomplish this?
Client: I went to therapy for three years. Nobody told me I had to go to therapy; I decided to do this on my own. I learned that I wasn’t “nothing.” As far as being bullied as a child, I had to let go of all that; I couldn’t carry those experiences with me anymore.
Therapist: How did you learn this?
Client: I learned to notice the positive reactions of people I worked with when I didn’t bully them. This became part of me, replacing my need to bully to get people to do what I wanted them to do. Even if they didn’t do what I wanted them to do, that was their choice and they were entitled to make that choice, not me. I couldn’t make people do what I wanted them to do. I learned to give other people what I always wanted: the power of choice.
Therapist: How do you feel about yourself today?
Client: I still carry the effects of being bullied as a child with me. I must be on constant guard against bullying others to make up for what happened to me. All this carries over into the most important relationship of my life: my marriage. There is a part of me that will always be that little kid that was beaten up, and my home is the one place where that part of me is safe. That “child” part of me still sees relationships as either the bully or the bullied; that’s what relationships are. I must be able to look at that “child” within myself and tell myself that I don’t have to fight or have control anymore. The “child” needs to be reassured that he is not going to be threatened or beaten up anymore.
There is another aspect of bullying that affects adults: These are people who never experienced bullying as a child, but who, as adults, experience workplace bullying. The following is a vignette contained in a therapist’s session notes:
Notes of a Therapist
Client: I was always treated with love by my parents and sisters. I wasn’t bullied as a child, so I had nothing to go on when I was severely bullied as an adult in my workplace. I had always been very successful in my career, well liked by my coworkers, and I received many performance awards. I was a success in every way. Then I was transferred to another company facility as the supervisor, and it was hate at first sight. Several of my subordinates took, apparently, an instant dislike to me. They went so far as to write down and keep a daily log of things I did that they didn’t like. The music I listened to, my aromatherapy in my office, the fact that I was cheerful in the early morning – all was disapproved of. When I first met my supervisor, I immediately liked and trusted him. I shared with him that I was recovering from an episode of major depression and was in full, sustained remission from an addiction to painkillers (narcotics). From then on, they all set about a campaign to get rid of me. Because I had never been bullied, I didn’t recognize what they were doing. Now, after therapy, I know they were mob bullying me.
Therapist: What did you do?
Client: At first, I fought back. Hard. I wasn’t going to let them do this to me. I was different, and because of my difference, they were going to oust me, whatever it took. I got a lawyer and fought back. And I won. But the price of winning against them was so high, it just about wasn’t worth it. I drank too much and thought about killing myself. I’m away from them now, but I still don’t understand bullies. Why me? I did a good job with my work. I thought bullying was a childish thing; I didn’t realize that adults did it too.
The Price Paid By the Bystander
While some bullying takes place in secret, more takes place in full view of others. Bullying is often a spectator sport, as Charles Manson discovered, even though there is no resistance by the victim, and the outcome is assured. Bullies like crowds. They like their peers to see how tough they are, how much power they have over this docile, defenseless victim. They want to publicly humiliate the victim for being a victim.
Unlike victims, bystanders have a choice: They can sit on the sidelines and laugh at the victim’s helplessness and humiliation even if they do not internally approve of the bully’s behavior or they can contribute to the solution simply by refusing to be part of the bystanding group. Bystanders have problems of their own; they laugh at the antics of the bully and are glad that they are not the victim. They know how capricious the bully’s behavior is; the bully can turn on them for not laughing loud enough. Seeing the pain of the victim makes them want to avoid becoming targets themselves. Since silence implies consent, the bully is rewarded and reinforced by the bystanders’ lack of protest. Of course, this escalates the bully’s behavior, causing even more pain for the victim.
It is a mistake to think that all bystanders are just as remorseless and anti-social as the bully. Most bystanders believe that the bully’s behavior is despicable, but out of safety and self-preservation – a natural human instinct – they do not intervene. “Better him than me.” They do not want to be known as “snitches.” Disloyalty to the socially superior bully will result in dire consequences for the bystander. They rationalize their inaction by thinking, “I didn’t do it. The bully did.” While this distorted view saves them from self-esteem problems at the time, later in life the bystander sees this denial for what it is: fear that the bully will make non-supportive bystanders his or her target.
Long-Term Effects of Bystanders
• Guilt and shame for not intervening on the victim’s behalf, even anonymously
• Anger towards themselves and the bully
• Difficulty forming and maintaining adult relationships based upon true empathy for others
• Desensitizing about anti-social acts, which may lead to antisocial behavior of their own
• A distorted view of personal responsibility
• An erosion of personal and societal boundaries on acceptable behavior
• Clinical depression stemming from what they see as their lack of character
The bystanders’ inner misgivings about the bully’s behavior are no help to the victim. The victim does not care why the bystanders failed to intervene and laughed at the bully’s behavior, but sees only that the bystanders did not intervene. Not by their actions, but by their omissions, or failures to act, they are every bit as accountable for harm done to the victim.
Sometimes the bystanders clearly understand what is at stake for the victim and for their own self-esteem. What follows is transcribed from a therapist’s notes.
Notes of a Therapist
Patient: El Capitan wanted me to hold this guy down while he beat the crap out of him. I didn’t know him. He was some younger geek from school who everybody hated. Anyway, there was no freakin’ way I was going to hold this kid down while El Capitan whipped his ass. What for? The kid didn’t do nothing. He was just a geek.
Therapist: What happened next?
Patient: El Capitan was really pissed at me and wanted to whip my ass. I told him to bring it on. He was going to beat that kid for no reason, and I don’t want any part of that funky shit. If El Capitan felt like mixing it up with somebody, he had a willing volunteer and a reason. That kid couldn’t fight back, but I sure as hell could.
Barbara Coloroso notes that the rationalizations of bystanders or reasons that they fail to intervene in bullying episodes contribute to the erosion of civility in peer group interactions. When this happens, she wrote, civility is replaced by a false sense of entitlement, an intolerance of the differences of others, and the liberty to exclude some children from the peer group. This attitude will carry over into adulthood, leaving the bystander without the ability to solve problems assertively, negotiate, and communicate. In the adult world, bystanders pay the price by rarely living up to their potential and choosing convenient decisions rather than healthy and socially accepted decisions.
The Price Paid By the Parents
This is an area that, it appears, has escaped the attention of researchers on bullying. We, as a society, have focused our attention on the bully, victims of bullying, and the bystanders. Yet the parents in this triad of suffering are, in their way, victims as well. In addition to Coloroso’s advice to parents who discover that their child is bullying others, it is important to consider the emotional toll of these parents.
Women who are unable to cope with a bullying child through a combination of appropriate discipline and unconditional love are likely to suffer from clinical depression.
Unsuccessful attempts to rehabilitate their bullying child are often a factor in the parents’ decision to divorce.
Fathers of a bullying boy have a great deal of difficulty in distinguishing between pride in their son’s “macho” behavior and disapproval of the child’s aggression and cruelty.
Mothers of bullying children feel guilty and shameful of their children’s behavior. More than fathers, mothers feel that if they had been a better parent, their children would not be victimizing other children. Instead of holding the child accountable for his/her actions, mothers tend to blame themselves for the actions of the child.
Especially in smaller towns, parents are embarrassed by their bullying child’s actions and believe that “the whole town is talking about us and blame us for being bad parents.” Unfortunately, this may well be true. If a severe case of bullying comes to light, the gossip grapevine will be thoroughly discussing the situation and who is to blame.
Case Study: The Petersons
This is a vignette derived from a therapist’s session notes and case files. The Petersons came to the mental health clinic for family therapy at the recommendation of school officials. Mr. Peterson is an air traffic controller and Mrs. Peterson teaches pre-school. Their children are Jayne, 16 and Brent, 14. Jayne was recently expelled for fighting with another girl and using a ball-point pen to harm the victim, a 12-year-old girl. The victim’s arm required eight stitches.
Jayne: I guess I’m the reason we’re here. I hurt someone, but the little bitch deserved it for talking about me behind my back. She only got suspended, but I got expelled. That’s justice for you.
Mrs. Peterson: I don’t understand why Jayne did this. We are not violent people, and we have at least tried to raise our children to solve their problems by talking them through, not by violence.
Jayne: Oh really? So when Dad hits us with his belt, he’s doing a great job of talking things through and not using violence?
Mrs. Peterson: I didn’t say that. We’re here to talk about you, not your father.
Therapist: Let me just clarify the reason for our family therapy. We’re not here “because” of anyone, and we’re not here to blame anyone. We are all here to help you, as a family, strengthen your relationships, communicate more effectively, and solve problems fairly. Okay?
Mr. Peterson: Listen, I work 12-hour shifts. If I’m tired from dealing with family problems, my concentration goes down. I could run two planes into each other. My job is really stressful. My wife takes medicine for depression. I hardly even see my son anymore. And now I find out my daughter has been hurting and making fun of younger kids for years. She really hurt someone this time. I’m not Father of the Year, it’s true. I drink too much and yell too much.
Jayne: Poor Dad, so stressed because of “bad” Jayne. It always comes down to me. Just do what you always do and stop off at the bar with the guys after work. Remember when you got that DUI? And they still let you control air traffic. Good God.
Therapist: Mrs. Peterson, I’d like for you to calmly explain to Jayne, without blaming or accusing her, how her bullying behavior at school affects you.
Mrs. Peterson: Jayne, I can’t hold my head up in town. I’m always afraid that other mothers are talking about me and think that I’m a poor parent because I can’t control your behavior. I don’t know, maybe I am to blame. You were always a headstrong child, but how could you hurt that little girl like that? Girls don’t do that kind of thing.
Therapist: Brent, you’ve been very quiet. How has Jayne’s behavior affected you?
Brent: Hey, I just live there. That’s all. I told Mom almost a year ago that Jayne and her so-called friends were always bugging other kids, like hitting them, making fun of them, and stuff. I told her a lot of stuff about how mean Jayne is to other kids. But it just went over her head, like she didn’t want to hear it. She said, “Oh, she’ll grow out of it.” Well, she hasn’t. At school I just pretend I don’t even know her. I never talk about her. I don’t talk to her in school or on the bus. I’ve seen her get away with really being mean, and I don’t want people to think I’m like that.
Therapist: Your turn, Mr. Peterson.
Jayne: This sucks! Is this “bash Jayne day” or what?
Therapist: Jayne, you will have a chance to tell your side of the story. Pay attention to your Dad now, okay?
Mr. Peterson: I taught both my kids to defend themselves, but to walk away from a fight if they had the chance. What Jayne does isn’t defending herself, it’s assaulting people. I paid that little girl’s medical bills. It wasn’t the money; it was the humiliation of having a child who does these things. She doesn’t make friends; she threatens people who don’t hang out with her. Lord only knows what she’s going to be like as an adult. If she doesn’t get a handle on her anger, I’ll be visiting her in jail.
Therapist: Jayne?
Jayne: I don’t know why I do it. Those younger kids, they just bug the crap out of me. They whine, and cry and act like babies. That girl I cut, you should have heard the smack she was talking, all about my Dad’s drinking and stuff. That’s family business, not hers, so I let her know that. I don’t know what the big deal is. I got picked on when I was a kid, everybody does. I saw this talk show once where a woman who was picked on a lot when she was a kid can’t get it off her mind. The girl that picked on her the most came on the stage and said she didn’t even remember the woman or remember picking on her in school. God, just get over it! Mom and Dad, well, it’s not their fault. I do what I want, what I choose. I don’t blame them for anything, but maybe if they talked to me more instead of yelling at me, I wouldn’t have so much anger.
Conclusion
“Get tough, be a man!” “Oh, just consider the source.” “Remember, sticks and stones…” “That was then, and this is now so get over it!” “Stop being such a crybaby!” These are some of the responses that children who are being bullied dread hearing if they disclose what is happening to them to trusted adults, and also when they themselves are adults. Victims who go on to become substance abusers, who perpetrate violent offenses against others, and who develop clinical depression and anxiety are reminded in an offhand manner by spouses, criminal court judges, and work supervisors that the past has no bearing on the present. Like abused children, battered spouses, and former prisoners of war, victims of bullying look and act just like everyone else.
They carry their wounds on the inside. To display their fear, anger, self-loathing, and sadness would cause them to be shunned. As long as such feelings and beliefs about themselves and their world are left to simmer in their emotional cauldrons, sooner or later there will be an explosion or an implosion. The effects of bullying do not stop when the bullying stops. A child’s entire social and emotional maturity is affected by the long-term trauma of being bullied. This is a bill that is never marked “paid in full.”