Chapter 7: Creating Bully-Proof Children and Bully - Busting in Your Home
Introduction
Step by step. Parent by parent. Teacher by teacher. School by school. Child by child.
This is how bully-proof children are created. Not with an amazing epiphany that enlightens the country about the often irreversible harm created by bullying. Not with an equally amazing epiphany by the bully that his or her behavior is destructive for others. Not by invoking the death penalty for bullies. Not even by making this book a selection of Oprah’s Book Club. Not by anything as easy as these “solutions.” Creating bully-proof children is much more difficult than it seems within the pages of a book or an hour-long talk show. Since bullying involves much more than just the bully him or herself, creating bully-proof children must also take into account and bring about changes in social systems, such as families, educators, counselors, law enforcement, bullies, victims, and bystanders. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a nation to save one.
Several objectives are involved in bully-proofing school-age children:
• Throw wide open the doors of communication between children, their peers, and adults regarding bullying. Shine the brightest spotlight on this issue and defeat forever the omerta that allows bullying to continue.
• Take away the bully’s audience; empower bystanders in refusing to take part, silently watch, and not report bullying.
• Deal directly with the bully, refusing to accept his or her denial of culpability.
• Teach victims to use their natural strengths and learned behavior to assertively refuse to become victims of bullying. Teach them to solve the problem rather than simply solving it for them.
• Parents, educators, and other adults must act to prevent bullying, as well as react to it when it occurs.
Accomplishing these goals is but one step in creating bully-proof children. Nevertheless, it is a good and necessary step. It is the beginning of the beginning; when American schools implement a “zero tolerance” policy for bullying, developing that policy starts here.
“What we have here is a failure to communicate”
This line from the classic prison movie, Cool Hand Luke, captures the essence of why and how bullying is allowed to proliferate in our schools. Quite simply, no one is talking. The bullies certainly are not; they want to continue their behavior with impunity. The victims are not; they have been conditioned by society to “suck it up” and “be a man.”
Parents are not; no one wants to know that their child is victimizing others or are silent bystanders to cruelty. It would be heart breaking for them to know that their child is being tormented in school. Teachers and school administrators are not; many still cling to the myth that they know everything that happens in the classroom, the cafeteria, and the playground. Adults continue to underestimate the problem.
Children need to know that talking about bullying being wrong and not tolerated in school are more than just empty words. Scaglione and Scaglione (2006) recommend talking, talking, and even more talking.
Underneath their initial reluctance to admit that they are being bullied, children really do want to talk about it. Social factors about “standing up for yourself” and being aggressive with a bully only serve to reinforce a child’s silence. How, they wonder, are they supposed to physically overpower a child who is older, stronger, and has a bevy of bystanders to support his or her actions? They know this is impossible, even if adults do not know.
Case Study: Opie T.
Opie is an eight-year-old boy who suddenly finds himself the target of a bully. The bully is larger and stronger than Opie. Every day the bully threatens to beat Opie if he does not do what the bully says, such as giving him Opie’s lunch money. Opie does not want to be thought of as a coward for not standing up to the bully and refusing his demands.
He tries many ways of avoiding the bully, such as taking different routes to and from school, but is not successful in these attempts. Opie also does not want to be laughed at by the other kids at school. He does not tell his teacher, Ms. Crump, that he is being bullied, although he likes her and thinks she would probably try to help him by disciplining the bully. However, Opie does want the other kids to make fun of him because he could not handle the bully on his own.
Opie’s father is the town sheriff. Seeing his Dad as strong, assertive, and wise, Opie does not tell his father about the bully because he does not want his father to be ashamed of him.
Finally, however, Opie tells his Dad what is happening. Sheriff T. teaches Opie to physically defend himself against the bully so that next time the bully demands his lunch money, Opie can refuse and prepare himself for a physical altercation with the bully. Sheriff T. tells his son that even if the bully hits him, he will not feel a thing, and he can then hit the bully back to make him leave Opie alone. Trusting Sheriff T.’s advice, this is exactly what Opie does; he refuses to hand over his lunch money, and the bully punches him in the eye. Opie hits him back, and then goes to tell his father that his Dad was right: He did not feel a thing. When Sheriff T. remarks on Opie’s black eye, Opie cheerfully responds, “I know, ain’t it a beauty?”
If you watch television, you know that the above is not a real case study; it is the plot line of an episode of The Andy Griffith Show. Although this extremely popular show debuted in the early 1960s not much has changed between then and now. Children are still reluctant to disclose that they are being bullied, bullies still operate in much the same way with threats and intimidation while bystanders watch silently, teachers are unaware of what occurs among students as they go to and from school, and some parents still believe that the best way to cope with a bully is to out-fight him. Female bullies are unheard of; this is not lady-like behavior. Communication between children and adults is still a problem. In nearly all respects, we could take this television show episode and set it in any elementary, junior high, or high school, and it would be an accurate portrayal of bullying in 2007.
Scaglione and Scaglione believe that the key to ending bullying is opening communication between children and other children, teachers to children, parents to children, children to teachers, and children to parents. Non-communication among all these key players perpetuates bullying, just as it did on The Andy Griffith Show. Previous chapters explained why and how bullying becomes a “silent assault.” Once the cat is out of the bag, it is impossible to get it back inside. Thus, once a child reports being bullied, adults must openly discuss the matter with these children; the bell cannot be un-rung. Sheriff Taylor’s advice to Opie about physically defending himself is not going to solve America’s immense bullying problem; massive fistfights all over the country is not the answer, although it may seem like the simplest answer.
Communication between adults and children about being bullied requires a lot more listening by the adult than it does talking. Before jumping to solutions that have not been well thought out and which could make the problem worse, adults must hear the child out completely and indicate that the child has been heard. Knowing this will help make bullied children much more comfortable and hopeful in further disclosing his/her victimization by a bully. Scaglione and Scaglione recommend five “don’ts” in listening to a child talk about being bullied:
• Don’t minimize or make light of the bullying described.
• Don’t laugh.
• Don’t get angry.
• Don’t say, “I’ll take care of that!”
• Don’t give advice – this will come later.
Adults’ initial response to a child’s disclosure of bullying is crucial. To establish trust with the adult, the child needs for the adult to be calm, using reflective listening techniques that echo back what the child has said. For example, an adult might respond, “What I hear you saying is that for the past month, Angie has been spreading untrue gossip about you to all the kids in your class, and you’re really upset by this because it has happened several times in the past.” Adults should ask questions in a sensitive, non-accusatory manner: “I’d like to hear more about what has been happening to you and how these incidents make you feel.” A child’s disclosure of being bullied is not an interrogation. More questions may come at a later time after the adult earns the child’s trust. The initial communication should be merely a validation that the child has been heard, understood, and believed. Parents and teachers must respond to the child’s disclosure in a way that does not make an already fearful and anxious child even more so. Reassurance that the child has done the right thing by disclosing the bullying is also crucial; it is important that the child hears that the bullying is not his or her fault, that they are no longer alone with this secret, and that help is on the way.
The May 2007 edition of Redbook magazine contains an article by Ellen Welty on bullying — specifically, how mothers can communicate with the bully’s mother. Welty discusses four helpful ways for parents to talk with a child who discloses that he or she is being bullied:
• “I’m here for you.” Although the bully makes the victim feel helpless and alone, parents can let the child know that he or she is no longer alone and suffering.
• “It’s not your fault.” It is the bully’s behavior that needs to change, not the victim’s behavior. Bullies often tell the victim the many reasons he or she deserves to be bullied, e.g. “You’re dumb,” “You’re a fag,” “You’re poor,” “Your clothes look stupid,” “You’re ugly,” and so many more. The bully is only fulfilling a natural role.
• “I’d be upset if that happened to me.” Isolating the victim from sources of help and comfort is a bully’s specialty. Already vulnerable, the victim is convinced that if he or she revealed the truth, other kids would mark the victim as being different in some way.
• “Let’s see what we can do.” It is only natural that parents want to “fix” things for their children, as previously discussed. However, victims of bullies do not want a parent to stop the bully; they want to do so, and need parents to teach them how. In addition, they are comforted by knowing that they no longer must try to handle the problem on their own.
Regardless of the wonderful humor of The Andy Griffith Show, it is not helpful to bully-proof a child through teaching him or her to hit back. In Mayberry, everything was funny – from the bumbling antics of Deputy Barney Fife to “town drunk” Otis Campbell. However, this is not Mayberry; when a child is being bullied while others watch, no director yells, “Cut!” Young, elementary school-age children tend to believe what they are told, from the reality of Santa Claus to the crime-stopping skills of Superman. They also believe what they are told about themselves. For example, if a child is bullied by being habitually called “stupid,” “Forrest Gump,” or a “loser,” the child will most likely believe that these are accurate descriptions. As the child grows into adulthood, that stereotypic label goes along for the ride, causing an abysmally low self-esteem. Scholastic failures, occupational difficulties, and lack of interpersonal relationships will be the inevitable result. In Mayberry, it took only 30 minutes, including commercials, for Andy to bully-proof Opie. In our towns and homes, it takes much more time and effort.
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Scaglione and Scaglione state that “the best armor parents and teachers can outfit children with is to feel good about themselves.” If parents wait, either from lack of watchfulness or by lack of knowledge about bullying, until a child has been bullied for a substantial period of time to prepare the child for coping with bullies, it is too late for early intervention and the bell cannot be un-rung. This does not mean that these children cannot recover emotionally from being bullied; they can, and for the most part, they do. The sooner damage control begins, the better the outcome.
It is not in the best interests of the child to take him or her to that brink unarmed with coping strategies at all. Preparing children to cope with bullies should begin long before they ever face one at school. Preparation involves raising children to be independent, self-sufficient, assertive, and skilled in problem solving. Children who are raised with praise, compliments, encouragement, empowerment to solve problems, and respect for themselves and others are well prepared for the taunts and intimidations of a bully. Teaching children at a young age that although they, like everyone else, are not perfect but put forth their best efforts enables them to learn that they can handle criticism, being teased, and called names. They do not give the fledgling bully what he/she wants; they do not overreact or become more vulnerable. School bullies are only the beginning. As children grow into adulthood, they must face bullying in the workplace, political bullies, even bullies in their own homes and families. Given the choice, the workplace and domestic bullies will always look for the co-worker, the subordinate, the spouse, and the child who allows him or her to control and intimidate him.
Case Study: Pearl B.
Pearl came to the mental health clinic for help with depression and substance abuse. She is a military officer who is the senior officer in charge of her section, and has both officers, enlisted, and civilian subordinates. She has been stationed at her current location for only six months.
Pearl stated that her occupational stress is “enormous” and that she has become depressed because of it. She has been drinking heavily to cope with feelings of shame, rage, fear, and hopelessness. Pearl has no prior mental health or substance abuse history. She began her story by detailing the emotional abuse she copes with on a daily basis; her subordinates disrespect her publicly, they complain “up the chain” to her flight and squadron commanders about every thing from the kind of music she listens to and her outspoken manner.
She believes that her superior officers think poorly of her and “would like to get rid of me.” Pearl brought with her a large file of documents that seemed to support her fears, such as a copy of the daily log that her subordinates were keeping about her, a copy of the paperwork firing a civilian employee who liked Pearl, a large quantity of “memos for record” that her subordinates wrote about her behaviors that they did not like, and a copy of her recent performance report from her superior stating that her duty performance was not acceptable, but gave her no previous notice that her duty performance was sub-standard.
Pearl discussed her situation with the installation’s commander; because of the investigation of her complaint, her superiors were not promoted, one civilian was fired, one junior officer was sent to another installation, and another junior officer left the military. Pearl stated that she had a “major meltdown” because she could no longer cope with the occupational stress because “now everyone hates me because I told the truth.”
Pearl’s treatment plan included receiving antidepressant medication and a cessation of alcohol use. Pearl discussed her childhood by calling it “a disaster.” She was an only child and was generally held in high regard by her parents. However, Pearl recalls that in the sixth grade she began to be regularly teased and taunted by a boy in her class, Steven. Pearl stated that she was tall for her age, very thin, and had bad acne. Steven called her names in front of the other kids like “slats,” “Godzilla,” “pimples,” “dopey,” “scarecrow,” and “zit-face.”
Pearl had always made good grades in school, but after the bullying began, her grades began to drop and she was punished at home; she did not tell her parents about the bullying. Steven threatened to “slap your gross-looking face” unless she did all of his homework for him; she complied not because she was afraid of Steven, but because she hoped the bullying would stop. Steven’s taunts escalated into profanity; he called her a “skinny bitch” and a “disgusting whore.”
Pearl stated that because her parents were “nice people,” they would not know what she should do about Steven so she did not tell them. Steven then insisted that Pearl do the homework for two of his friends, and again Pearl complied. She was dismayed when she learned that Steven was in several seventh grade classes with her. “He started in right away, making me do his and his friends’ homework, giving him money, and saying embarrassing and humiliating things about me in front of other kids.”
Pearl found out that Steven had written graffiti about her in one of the boys’ bathrooms; “Pearl does everybody.” She stated that after this, she felt she could not go to school any longer, and she began to skip classes. When her parents found out, they punished her and made her go to school.
Steven’s sexual bullying intensified; he rubbed his crotch against her in the crowded hallways, and touched her breasts. Once he reached up her skirt and touched her vaginal area through her underwear, then sniffed his fingers and said, “Good smell. Anybody want some? Zit-face here puts out for anybody.”
Pearl stated that the next day she told her mother that she would kill herself if she had to go to school with Steven; she finally told her mother about the bullying. Pearl’s mother was outraged. She immediately called the school principal, and she and Pearl went to talk with him. Steven was expelled from school, and Pearl started attending another school.
When asked how this bullying affected her today, Pearl said, “I believe anything negative that is said about me. I do not know how to stand up for myself. I let all those kids do that to me.” Although Pearl’s parents believed her about the bullying, they did not seem to know what to do about it. “They got Steven away from me, but didn’t help me with my emotional problems because they didn’t know how.” She believes that her current occupational problems are caused by her low self-esteem. “I hate myself because I’m letting it happen all over again. I’m back in the sixth grade. I hate all these people, but I hate myself more.”
Talk About the Hippo
Among psychotherapists, the analogy of the hippo in the living room is frequently used to help break down the denial of a problem and acknowledge that something needs to be done about the problem. This vignette involves the presence of a baby hippo in a family’s living room. This would be a problem for most families. However, when a family member has a secret that is never talked about, it becomes a hippo in the living room. The more the hippo is surrounded by silence and denial, the more it grows into a very large hippo. Naturally, this large hippo makes a terrible mess, but no one says anything about it. Once a family member says, “Hey, what are we going to do about this messy hippo in our living room?” then the denial either strengthens – “What hippo? I don’t see any hippo. You’re nuts.” Or the hippo’s presence must be acknowledged and dealt with. When a child is bullied, is a bully, or is a bystander in bullying, this very large hippo must be dealt with via head-on communication. It is the adult’s responsibility to calmly but thoroughly respond to the child’s disclosure, offer understanding and validation, and let the child know that this hippo will soon be vacating the child’s living room.
Empowering Bystanders
Barbara Coloroso believes that bystanders play a crucial role in bully-proofing children. Bullies carefully hide their actions from adults, but they like to play to a full house of supportive, jeering bystanders. Ideally, bystanders can show bullies that they will not be admired for their cruel actions, nor will their behavior be condoned or tolerated. Instead of remaining silent witnesses, bystanders can become very vocal witnesses. In this manner, the bully loses his or her supporters and audience, and each bystander has the potential to become an enemy. Coloroso suggests six ways that parents can empower bystanders to become a force for eliminating bullying rather than condoning it:
Six Ways Parents Can Empower Bystanders
1.) Intervene immediately with appropriate discipline. Children must understand that being a silent bystander to cruelty is morally wrong.
2.) Create opportunities for the child to “do good.” This may include helping another child with homework, volunteering in the community, and many other philanthropic activities. Teach the child that helping others is a key to their happiness and self-esteem.
3.) Nurture empathy. In a non-accusatory manner, ask the bystander, “Think about how you would feel if you were bullied and no one stepped forward to help you.”
4.) Teach age-appropriate friendship skills that are assertive, respectful, and peaceful rather than being centered on power, control, and fearful silence.
5.) Encourage the child to participate in constructive, entertaining, and energizing activities. There is no room for the bully in these kinds of activities. Provide the child with much more satisfying and pleasant activity.
6.) Teach the child to “will good” for others. Rather than being subjected to watching another child repeatedly treating others in a cruel manner, help the child focus on wanting other children to be happy and successful. The former bystander will develop an inner moral voice that guides him/her towards a life of sharing, caring, helping and serving.
Scaglione and Scaglione (2006) also recommend empowering bystanders of bullying. They emphasize that in order to bully-proof children and create an atmosphere of zero tolerance for bullying, all support, direct or indirect, must be taken away from the bully. Bullies do what they do because they can. They know that none of their “audience” members will intervene to stop the bullying. They like the powerful, dominant image that bullying creates among the bystanders.
In The Wizard of Oz Dorothy kills the Wicked Witch of the West without intending to by throwing water on the witch while her supposed minions watched. Much to everyone’s astonishment, the witch’s soldiers were actually happy and relieved that they were free from the witch’s cruel domination. Ding-dong, the witch was dead! Bystanders of bullying react in much the same manner if “their” bully is stopped. Although they dare not say so at the time, the bystanders of school bullying are most commonly relieved and pleased that they no longer have to keep the secret of omerta, nor do they have to support the bully’s actions out of fear. Lest we blame the child bystanders for supporting the bully in the first place, let it be remembered that the most vicious adult bullies in recorded history were able to continue their despicable actions because no one dared oppose them. Let us also refer to recent history, as the world coped with the brutal bullying of Saddam Hussein. Having true supporters (bystanders) small in number, Hussein was allowed to terrorize and murder hundreds of thousands of his own countrymen. The first Gulf War, which Hussein called “the mother of all battles,” turned out to be the “mother of all surrenders” when his elite Republican Guard soldiers abandoned their posts and weapons and fled for their lives, surrendering to U.S. and NATO forces. When U.S.-led military forces deposed of Hussein through Operation Iraqi Freedom, countless Iraqis celebrated their own version of “ding-dong, the witch is dead.” Hussein’s execution may have been less important to the Iraqi bystanders than his disgrace and removal from power.
Taking this recent analogy even further, one of the myths about bullying, as defined by McGrath, is that bullies are frightened, insecure people, a notion that she disputes. Saddam Hussein fled from his attackers, hiding for days in a small hole in the ground, a loaded pistol at his side. When uprooted by U.S. Marines, Hussein surrendered without firing a shot. His sons died in a firefight with U.S. forces; their father, the feared bully, submitted meekly to his captors, his weapon still silent. Whether Hussein’s actions were typical of a bully, or atypical, is left to the opinion of others and the judgment of history.
With their assertion that all support must be taken away from the bully, Scaglione and Scaglione recommend several crucial actions to accomplish this goal and to create bully-proof children, including bystanders:
• Involve all stakeholders: school staff, parents, and the community.
• Raise the level of awareness about bullying for all adults.
• Gain the commitment of the entire student body to make their school and themselves bully-proof.
• All should support the victim(s) and confront the bully.
• Continue to educate all stakeholders about bullying.
• Set very clear and immediate consequences for bullying.
• Provide a vigilant level of supervision of the school campus.
Scaglione and Scaglione also recommend some guidelines for parents on bully proofing their children that also serve as lessons about being a bystander to bullying:
• Educate children about bullying and how to cope with it.
• Promote and reward peaceful, positive behavior.
• Provide character education; instructions on kindness, respect, and responsibility.
• Teach assertiveness and conflict resolution social skills.
“The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference; indifference creates evil. Indifference is what allows evil to be strong, what gives it power.” – Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor
It is highly unlikely that a child is going to come home from school and announce, “Hey Mom and Dad guess what? Jimmy is bullying Ralph, and I watch.” Even while they are doing it, bystanders know this is unacceptable behavior and are not likely to disclose it in a conversational manner.
One area that is lacking in the literature on bullying is how to induce a child to disclose that he or she has been a bystander to bullying. In reality, this may never happen, even if parents are fairly sure that their child is a bystander. There need not be a disclosure for parents to address bystanding and empowering their children to cease being a silent witness to cruelty. As Coloroso indicates, continuously emphasizing the need for kindness, fair play, respect, empathy, and conscience. Returning to Alfred Adler’s concept of social interest, parents can prevent bystanding by instilling in their children the need and virtue of caring about what is going on around them in their school microcosm and becoming involved in the non-support of wrongdoing.
Case Study: Richard G.
Richard is a 26 year-old man, unmarried with no children, who came to the mental health clinic for help with anger management. Richard described himself as “an angry guy who’s pissed off most of the time.” When asked by the therapist to describe some of the things that made him angry, Richard replied, “Just
about everything. People. The stupid things they do. They’re lazy and ignorant. I just can’t stand them. And other stuff, like things not working right. Computers, cars, phones, you name it. I get angry whenever any little thing doesn’t go right.”
Richard agreed that his perfectionist expectations were unrealistic. “That’s why I’m here. I know it’s wrong, and I know that it drives people away from me. I don’t have any friends. I don’t have a girlfriend. People stay away from me in droves because I’m mad all day, every day. Hell, I gave away my dog because she didn’t like me either. People don’t like me, and I don’t like me. But I don’t know how to stop being so angry all the time.” Richard’s personal history revealed that he came from an intact, “normal” home; his parents treated him with love, kindness, and discipline when needed. He has a brother, Tony, who is two years older. Richard did well in school and played high school football. He stated that he was not very out-going and had a few good friends, and went out on occasional dates. After graduation, Richard paid his way through college, earning a degree in forestry. He is currently employed as a supervisor of a fish and game reserve. He stated that the people he works with are afraid of his temper and rarely talk to him unless they have to. His own supervisor has counseled him about his anger and attitude towards others; Richard is afraid he will lose his job if he does not make changes in the way he interacts with others.
“That’s not the only reason I’m here,” he stated. “I’m tired of myself. I hate being this way and I don’t get why I can’t just be cool.” After several therapy sessions, Richard discussed his relationship with his brother, Tony. Richard stated that he looked up to Tony.
“He has everything I want. A nice wife, three kids, a decent job, and friends to hang out with.” Richard then stated that he has been angry with Tony for years, but has never talked with Tony about his anger. “When I was in the seventh grade, some guys started to pick on me and call me names. Fag, spaz, retard, village idiot, butt-ugly, stuff like that.
I ignored them, but they didn’t stop and soon everybody, including a girl I liked, was laughing at me. Then these guys started punching me in gym class, knocking me over and crap like that. Pretending to the teacher that it was an accident, yeah. They hit me in the face with a baseball once and laughed about it because I had stitches. They said not to worry about it because I was an ugly SOB to begin with. The thing was, Tony knew about all this. He even saw a lot of it, like the thing with the baseball. And he didn’t do a damn thing about it. I wasn’t going to beg him to help me, and I shouldn’t have had to. He should have helped his younger brother. I’d help him if somebody was messing with him. Where was he? How would he like it if somebody was jerking one of his kids around and nobody helped? I just try to stay clear of Tony. If I even see him, it reminds me of what he didn’t do.”
In this case study, it is clear that Tony, a bystander to his brother being bullied, was the source of Richard’s underlying anger. This was a “double betrayal.” Not only was Tony a bystander to bullying, but the victim was his own brother. Most bystanders to bullying fail to understand the crucial role they play in allowing the bullying to occur and perpetuate. Coloroso wrote, “Since much of the bullying goes on “under the radar” of adults, a potent force is kids themselves showing bullies that they will not be looked up to, nor will their cruel behavior be condoned or tolerated.” In Richard’s eyes, Tony failed to discharge these responsibilities.
Bully-Proofing Your Child: The Lowdown
Derek Randel, nationally known parent coach and former teacher, wrote in Stopping School Violence (2006) that bullying and school violence will never completely stop, but it can be reduced significantly.
“People treat you the way you teach them to treat you.” – Jack Canfield
“We teach people how to treat us.” – Dr. Phillip C. McGraw
There must be something to these statements since there are so many like them. Since bullying can begin at such a young age, e.g. elementary school, parents may be at a loss to convey this concept to their six-year-old. Randel cuts through the haze of literature about bully-proofing children and recommends the following teaching essentials:
• Encourage your child to report being bullied to you. Children have the right to feel safe.
• Validate your child’s feelings. Feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger are normal.
• Rather than rushing into solutions, ask your child how he or she has attempted to solve the problem.
• Ask questions that encourage your child to think. “Do you have an idea how this problem could be solved?”
• Stress the importance of body language. Teach your child how to behave with self-confidence.
• Teach problem-solving skills that can be used when your child is being bullied, such as communicating intolerance of being a victim.
• Coach your child in alternatives, like avoidance of the bully by being involved in many social activities near an adult.
• Involve your child in activities in other organizations, like the YMCA, Girl Scouts, etc. Children who are not available for bullying will not be.
• Make sure your child’s teacher knows what is going on.
• Encourage your child to seek help from the school staff.
• Volunteer to help supervise school activities.
• Do not ignore your child’s reports of being bullied or blame him or her.
• Teach self-respect and respect for others.
• Give your child many positive compliments to increase self-esteem.
• Avoid labeling or name calling, such as calling your child a “sissy.”
• Teach your child that while anger is healthy, violence is not.
• Encourage your child to use positive “self-talk.”
• Consider driving your child to and from school.
• Do not promise to keep the bullying a secret.
There is no magic solution to making your child bully-proof. Human behavior is unpredictable and complex at times. Some parents blame themselves when their child is bullied; this is understandable, but it is neither accurate nor helpful. The truth is that we do teach others how to treat us by our actions or by our inactions. Instead of blaming themselves for something that is beyond their control, like the actions of bullies and bystanders, it is much more important for parents to teach other children how to treat them. Children can only accomplish this if they learn, at an early age, to create and wear an invisible suit of armor that speaks loudly to would-be bullies, “Don’t even think about it.” This does not mean that parents should teach their children to be mean and arrogant; this approach has every chance of actually creating a bully. Helping children to use assertiveness skills and to have good self-esteem will, in turn, help them teach other children how to treat them.
“Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others. Avoid loud and aggressive persons for they are vexatious to the spirit. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here.” – Excerpt from the “Desiderata,” Author Unknown
Parents can effectively teach their child assertiveness skills and self-confidence:
• Allow the child to make some of the decisions in his or her life. Parents, of course, are the shot-callers on the majority of a child’s behavior, setting limits, rules, and boundaries. If the child has no interest in taking piano lessons or gymnastics, parents should accept the child’s decision. Some things are non–negotiable. Calling your mother an “evil bitch” is not and never will be an option. Respectfully explaining to your mother why you are angry with her teaches assertiveness, respect for others, and that expressing feelings is a good thing. If the child can practice this skill at home, he can teach others how to treat him.
• Praise for a child’s accomplishment, however small, will reinforce positive, assertive behavior and help build his or her self–esteem. An assertive, confident child is the very last person that a bully wants to try to victimize; they scope out easier targets. The more successes parents praise, the more confidence a child has about being successful in the big, wide world. The assertive child is one who has the confidence to know right from wrong, and strives to do right. This sends a subliminal message to the bully that this child will not play his or her game, nor will this child be a bystander to wrong, unkind behavior.
Parents who raise their children to be kind, helpful, honest, dependable, cheerful, and to hold themselves in high regard but without arrogance will also raise a child who is not afraid to say “no” to a bully, and mean it.
“Being kind doesn’t mean we have to be a mat.” – Maya Angelou
Bullying on the School Bus
Yes, it happens here, too. The obvious query is, “Where’s the bus driver?” This may be a fair and necessary question. Derek Randel asks his reader to keep in mind that these school district employees are driving a 40-foot vehicle through heavy traffic with a load of other people’s children. Bus drivers truly do not have eyes in the back of their heads. Some have been physically attacked, kicked, spat upon, hit, bitten, choked, scratched, and in 2005, a bus driver was shot and killed by a middle school student in Tennessee. Some school districts are placing cameras in school buses; this may or may not prevent bullying on the bus, but it will at least identify the perpetrators unless the camera’s view is hidden by the bully’s bystanders. The bus drivers are not at fault according to Randel Who emphasizes that many are older men and women who have no business getting involved in a violent incident.” This is a controversial stance; parents may well ask why school districts employ bus drivers who are physically unable to intervene in bullying.
In addition to bullying, other types of outrageous misconduct occur on school buses, such as urinating, masturbating, smoking, using drugs, throwing things at passing cars and pedestrians, lap dancing, consensual sex, and rape. Guns and knives are routinely brought onto school buses. While much of the research and literature focuses on bullying in school and during school-sponsored events, little has been written about school bus bullying. Whether this setting for bullying has been either under-reported or under-researched is unknown. Randel (2006) documents a case in Florida where a bus driver reported 79 cases of misbehavior and only one student was suspended as a result. Bus drivers, says Randel, are not likely to bother reporting bullying and other misbehavior when no consequences are administered.
Randel addresses this issue in some detail and offers several solutions:
• Each bus should have two or three adults on board, preferably parent volunteers since hiring bus monitors would be expensive and prohibitive for most school districts. One adult should be at the back of the bus, looking forward. This adult would have a clear, continuous view of the entire bus and could react quickly to inappropriate behavior. Another adult should be available to physically sit next to or between children who are acting inappropriately and/or aggressively. The names of these children should be reported to school officials and documentation submitted detailing the incident. Parents should be contacted and discipline administered at home and school.
• Parents and students should be reminded that riding a school bus is a privilege and a convenience, not a right. Students who habitually misbehave on the bus should be barred from using it. It is then up to the parents to figure out how to get their child to school.
• Since many bullying incidents and other misbehavior occurs while the bus driver is not yet aboard the bus, the driver should instead be first to board the bus to ensure that students are not unsupervised. Victims of bullying are especially vulnerable when the driver is not on the bus.
• Students should wear a picture school ID before they are allowed to board the bus. This serves two purposes: to identify the names of wrongdoers and to prevent non-students from riding the bus with the goal of misbehavior with or to another student.
Bullying on the bus is yet another illustration of the lack of safety of bullied children in places where they should feel safe, i.e. the school bus, school grounds, and at school-sponsored activities. Given the rising number of violent incidents involving schools, what has worked in the past is clearly not working today. Two decades ago, for example, it was unthinkable that a child would bring a loaded weapon onto the bus. Not only was there no reason to do so, since gang violence was still an anomaly in schools, but children feared the wrath of their parents and school personnel. To most adults, it seems literally impossible for a student to be raped on the school bus. Yet, according to Randel, it happens frequently enough to be a statistic. Bullying on the bus, like sexual assaults, seems impossible to adults because they fail to take into consideration the bystanders who see what is happening. Out of fear of the bully or because they are willing eyewitnesses, the other children on the bus shield the bullying from the bus driver’s (or the camera’s) view.
One of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “Only a Higher Power can return us to sanity.” The founders of AA, Bill W. and Dr. Bob, did not mean that alcoholics are either psychotic or legally insane. They described insanity as doing the same thing repeatedly, and expecting to have different results. If an alcoholic drinks to the black out stage each time he or she drinks, it is insane to expect that this will ever be different unless the alcoholic stops drinking. Applying this concept to bullying on the school bus, if we continue to disregard the personal safety of bullying victims on the bus, it is insane to expect, by some miraculous intervention, that this behavior will change and go into spontaneous remission. School bus bullying will change when parents, teachers, bus drivers, and school district administrators work together to change it.
Dealing Directly with Bullies and their Parents
Things are not always what they seem. John Wayne Gacy, who was convicted and executed for the murders of over 30 young men and boys, was a respected community leader who dressed up as a clown to entertain hospitalized children. He prominently displayed a picture of himself with then First Lady Roslyn Carter. (One cannot help but wonder what she did with that picture.) Sometimes, what we think we know, we do not know at all. We have discussed the need to take bullying very seriously, and we discussed our need to abandon myths and stereotypes about bullies. Parents and teachers must take this concept one step further and engage the bully in a “face off” that clearly communicates to him/her that their number is up: “I know what you’ve done, I know what you continue to do, and it stops today.” Scaglione and Scaglione devised a prototypical plan that involves direct confrontation of the bully and clearly establishing limits and boundaries on his or her behavior, at home and at school. Summarized, this plan involves the following elements:
• Parents, parents, and parents. In another effort to eliminate the bully’s support system, the bully’s parents should be notified immediately of any bullying activity by their child, and be an active part of the child’s rehabilitation.
• A child who is acting aggressively towards other children by bossing them around, yelling at them, or hitting them, should immediately be placed in “time out” to get his/her emotions and actions under control.
• Encourage children to think before they act. Since bullying is sometimes opportunistic, impulse control should be a major focus on the plan.
• Altruistic behavior towards peers should be rewarded in a manner that is meaningful to the child. Positive reinforcement for this type of behavior will help it continue.
• Expose the child to positive role models, preferably other than adult role models. Peer role models can make a distinctive difference in a bullying child’s behavior.
• Parents should set and enforce the same limits at home as those enforced at school. The child will learn that what is inappropriate at school is also not appropriate at home.
• Teachers and parents should teach a bullying child the basics of interpersonal social skills, including anger and stress management. Since children learn to bully others because of their lack of social skills, once the bully is provided with opportunities to learn age-appropriate social skills, this will result in an extinction of bullying behavior.
Thus, a crucial part of bully-proofing children is to make noise and lots of it. Instead of perpetuating omerta, teachers should discuss this subject openly in classes, such as social studies where human behavior is discussed. Drama clubs can perform skits for the entire grade level on stopping bullies. Physical education classes can help kids work off excess energy that might otherwise be used in bullying. English classes can provide homework on writing essays about why bullying is wrong and what can be done to stop it. Art clubs can create colorful, eye-catching anti-bullying posters and flyers. The possibilities are truly limited only by the imagination.
Bullying at school must be addressed by three sets of adults: the victim’s parents, the bully’s parents, and teachers and school officials. In the literature, the issue of whether the victim’s parents should confront the bully’s parents holds different beliefs. Some experts advise parents to avoid the bully’s parents and allow school and legal authorities to intervene. As Randel indicated, perhaps the apple did not fall from the tree. Parents should opt for safety of themselves and their child. Referring again to the Redbook article by Ellen Welty called “How to Stand Up to a Bully’s Mom,” Welty advocates victims’ mothers directly approaching bullies’ mothers. (Since Redbook is a magazine for women, fathers do not enter the picture in the article.) Welty recommends seven steps for mothers of victims who choose to intervene by speaking to the bully’s mother:
Do not judge her. You do not know anything about their family dynamics and how the bully has been parented.
Propose a private conversation. Discussing this issue is not a talk show, nor should it humiliate the bully’s mom. Ask her when the two of you can get together and talk. This is a conversation, not a lecture or an angry tirade.
Ask for her help. Instead of angrily and aggressively confronting her, calmly ask her to be your ally in solving the bullying problem. The best way to gain someone’s cooperation is to ask for it, not demand it.
Give just the facts. Describe what you believe has happened between the two children without using the word “bullying.” Let her draw her own conclusions about this.
Know what to say if she is receptive. If you get a positive response from the bully’s mom, thank her for listening and her promise that she will talk to her child about his/her behavior. Being self-righteous never solves anything, but does make matters worse.
Know what to say if she “stonewalls.” You may not receive the type of response you were hoping for. The bully’s mom may disbelieve your story or she may dismiss it as “boys will be boys.” Hold your ground firmly and assertively; avoid a hostile conclusion to your conversation. Now at least you know what you are dealing with.
Be prepared for a replay. Her child may continue to bully your child. Let her know that nothing has changed, and you would really appreciate her intervening with her child. It might take more than just you to solve this problem.
What if Your Child is the Bully?
Imagine for a moment that you are a loving, responsible parent who has just learned, beyond doubt, that your child has been bullying other children. One parent expressed the moment feeling horrified. How could my child do this? He wasn’t raised this way, so where did he learn it? He’s been expelled from school. His father won’t talk to him, and the tension and shame in our home is unbearable. What am I supposed to do with him? Even his grandparents are ashamed of him.
Barbara Coloroso writes that parents must look honestly and in depth at their child’s behavior and whether it has the four markers of bullying: (1) an imbalance of power, (2) intent to harm, (3) threats of further aggression, and (4) terrorizing other children. Coloroso further proposes that terrorizing, intimidating, shunning, tormenting, and ridiculing are not sibling rivalry or peer conflicts. They are acts of bullying. It is important that parents not make light of what happened … that you not try to justify, rationalize, or minimize.
Literature, statistics, and psychobabble aside, this is your child – the child you wanted, gave life to, and love dearly. Other children must be bully-proofed to protect themselves from your child. Bystanders do not report or intervene in your child’s bullying out of either fear or approval of his or her actions. Without realizing that they are contributing to the bully’s actions, parents instinctively look the other way, not wanting to know or suspect that their own child has been terrorizing others. This concept is literally unthinkable.
One of America’s most vicious, merciless, and prolific sexual serial killers, Ted Bundy, was a “chameleon” during his youth and early adulthood when he committed, by his own account, rape, murder, and necrophilia upon “three digits” of young women and girls. He hid his true, deviant nature behind a wall of intelligence, wit, and charm. Yet Bundy was a loved child, raised by a mother and stepfather who set limits upon his behavior and rewarded his positive accomplishments. When Bundy stood trial for the rape and murder of twelve-year-old Kimberly Leach in Lake City, Florida, Louise Bundy, his mother, attended every day of his trial in silent love and support, despite the monster that her child became. When Bundy was convicted and sentenced to death, the magnitude of Louise Bundy’s deep sorrow – for her son and for his victims and their families – was evident in newspaper photos. While the media dutifully reported the gleeful, chanting crowds (“Burn, Bundy, Burn!”) when Bundy was executed, the unimaginable grief of Louise and Johnnie Bundy received no media attention at all. Like Lionel and Joyce Dahmer, the Bundys watched Ted’s antics as an innocent child, never imagining the brutal violence he would later perpetrate on his victims and the deviant aberration he would become.
While Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer are extreme examples of the terror and savagery that one person can inflict upon another, bullies have to begin somewhere. “We’re still blaming mothers,” Joyce Dahmer once said about the bestial crimes of her son. Without blaming, judging, or criticizing, Barbara Coloroso provides parents with solid information about preventing and recognizing childhood bullying. She advises that, when parents see signs of bullying behavior in their child, they impose discipline upon the child instead of punishment. She differentiates between the two concepts:
Punishment:
• Teaches a child to be aggressive.
• Is degrading and humiliating for the child.
• Denotes blame and pain.
• Does not consider reasons or look for solutions.
• Preempts more constructive ways of relating to the child.
• Deprives the child of the opportunity to understand the consequences of his or her actions, to correct the harm done, or empathize with the bullied victim.
• Deprives the child of feeling ashamed of his/her actions.
Discipline:
• Should be immediate and decisive.
• Is a process that promotes learning; it teaches reconciliation.
• Invites the child to deeply examine his/her own attitudes and behaviors towards others.
• Helps the child develop his/her own moral code.
• Teaches the child to act justly and kindly towards others.
• Teaches the child to control his/her own behavior rather than being controlled.
• Provides the necessary tools to begin the healing and change processes.
• Shows the child exactly what he/she did wrong.
• Gives ownership of the bullying behavior directly to the child who did it.
• Gives the child a process for solving the problem he/she created.
• Leaves the child’s dignity intact.
Taking theory into actual practice, Coloroso describes the “three R’s” of discipline and how they are used to correct bullying:
Restitution. The child must fix what he or she broke, such as material possessions stolen or destroyed. If the child has caused physical pain to another, an apology must be given. Not a perfunctory “I’m sorry.” True repentance for hurting another means assuming responsibility for one’s actions, admitting the wrongness of the deed, and expressing a strong desire not to do it again.
In the adult domain, General George S. Patton is a perfect example of the concept of restitution. Gen. Patton may have been one of the most extraordinary military leaders of World War II, but he had a temper and was known to be a narcissistic “prima donna.” When he publicly slapped and humiliated (bullied?) a soldier experiencing severe combat stress, Gen. Patton was ordered by General Eisenhower, his commanding officer, to publicly apologize to the soldier, to all those who witnessed the incident, and to the entire squadron. Ever obedient to orders, Gen. Patton assumed total responsibility for his actions, admitted that he was wrong, and vowed not to let his temper get out of control in the future. This infamous example of restitution for harming another is exactly what Coloroso describes as an anti-bullying strategy for parents. Whether Gen. Patton was truly repentant for his behavior is between him and his Higher Power.
Resolution. The child must figure out a way to keep bullying from occurring again. Since the bell cannot be un-rung and the harm has already been done, the child must commit to pro-social actions instead of bullying. Children do not want to be “bad.” Being pro-social instead of anti-social is much more desirable. Coloroso believes that, if given a choice, children would choose to un-ring that bell if it were possible. Since it is not possible, they can resolve to ring it no further.
Reconciliation. Coloroso describes this as a process of healing with the person one has harmed. It is based upon a child’s commitment to honor his/her plan to make restitution and live up to resolutions to bully no more. Children, unlike adults who tend to hold grudges, forgive easily. It is not uncommon for a former bully and a former victim to become friends.
Having real friends, according to Coloroso, is difficult for children who tend towards bullying because this is the only attention they receive from their peers. They mistake bystanders for friends when in reality the bystanders are usually held captive by fear of the bully. Coloroso encourages parents of a bully to teach him or her ten ways to make and keep real friends:
• Show them kindness and respect.
• Stick up for them.
• Be supportive when they need help or advice.
• Tell the truth, but kindly.
• Accept a friend’s apology if he or she causes harm.
• Apologize if he or she harms a friend.
• Keep promises to friends.
• Put real effort into friendships.
• Accept friends as they are, without trying to change them.
• Treat others using the “Golden Rule” principle.
“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” – Dr. Phillip C. McGraw
Derek Randel , with his lengthy history as a teacher, approaches the problem of having a bully in your home a bit differently. First, he writes, parents must know and accept that their child is bullying others. No change can be affected if the problem is not acknowledged. Randel throws down the gauntlet to the bully’s parents by asking them to examine and acknowledge what is happening in their own home by answering the following questions.
• Are you a bully at home?
• Do you frequently criticize your child?
• Do you spank or hit?
• Is there an abusive parent in the home?
• Do you yell, use name-calling, or put-downs?
Children, like adults, do what works for them, and what they see working for their parents. If bullying in the home, the school, or the workplace works to give the bully what he or she wants and needs, they will continue to bully, and the victims will continue to allow themselves to be victims. It is disturbing when adult in-home bullies receive reports that their child is bullying others and seek to change the child’s actions by more bullying at home.
“Look at yourself instead of looking at me; Everything that I say and do in your eyes is always wrong Tell me, where do I belong In your sick society? You’re no different than me.” – Ozzy Osbourne “You’re No Different”
If there is no difference between the bully’s actions in school and the parents’ bullying at home, this is an intellectual and emotional “disconnect” for the child. The bully is suspended from school for his/her actions, and is then whipped harshly at home with a belt. The bullying parent is no different than the bullying child. This will never bring anything of value to the bully about his or her actions; confusion, resentment, and anger will be the only result.
“We’re just like any other family.” – Tony Soprano
“I’d like to stick this fork in your eye.” – Livia Soprano, Tony’s mother
Randel advises parents to look for these signs that their child may be a bully. Bullies become either defensive or aggressive when faced with being held accountable for their actions.
• Does your child use verbal or physical aggression to deal with conflicts?
• Does your child have belongings or money that does not belong to him or her?
• Does your child hang around with other children who appear aggressive?
• Does your child have a difficult time expressing feelings?
• Is your child unable to play cooperative games with other children?
• Does your child become angry when he or she loses a game?
• Have you heard your child talk about “getting even” with others?
• Does your child play inappropriately with younger children?
• Does your child seem to have a strong need to dominate others?
• Is your child oppositional and aggressive towards adults?
• Does your child, at an early age, participate in unlawful activities?
• Is there a lack of supervision at home?
• Does your child minimize his or her wrongdoings by saying, “It was all in fun?”
All these signs demonstrated by one child would be pretty hard to miss unless the parent(s) are also engaging in bullying behavior at home, at work, and in social situations. Some adults – mercifully few – enjoy the “hobby” of dog fighting – pitting one dog against another in a fight to the death. For them, this cruelty is a pleasurable spectator sport. They are unmoved by the suffering of the dogs. In fact, losing dogs are often killed by their owners in disgust. Dog fighting is illegal and carefully concealed by those adults who engage in it. With their own propensity for enjoying cruelty, it is unlikely that these parents would find it to be a problem if told that their child has been bullying other children. Aggression runs rampant in this type of family. Cruelty and violence is the norm; it is not only condoned, it is rewarded. In these cases, attempts by school officials to enlist the aid of parents in eliminating bullying will fall on deaf ears.
For caring and responsible parents who take the conduct of their children seriously, Randel offers the following advice for dealing with a bullying child:
• Always hold children accountable for their actions; accept no rationalizations or excuses.
• Be aware of your tone of voice when talking with your child about his or her bullying; do not lose control.
• Teach your child the art of peaceful negotiation. It is okay to lose; we do not have to win every time.
• Set non-negotiable limits and boundaries and enforce them consistently.
• Make it clear that bullying will not be tolerated, and mean it.
• Teach empathy; ask the child to walk in the footsteps of his or her victim. How would it feel?
• Arrange for effective, non-violent consequences instead of spanking or hitting; try eliminating privileges until the child’s behavior changes.
• Forbid violent TV shows or video games; these merely serve as instruction manuals for aggressive bullying.
• Work with schools, not against them. Create a partnership between you and the school.
• Make sure your child knows exactly where you stand on bullying.
• Limit your child’s unstructured free time.
• Never keep firearms in your home; at least, none that the child knows about. Unsecured firearms used by your child to commit crimes could result in you being held legally accountable for the child’s actions.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. – St Francis of Assisi
By acknowledging that their child is bullying other children, parents can help the child change. Swift, meaningful discipline, such as that outlined by Coloroso, is an effective approach to ending a child’s bullying ways. Since the best predictor of the future is the past, it is expected that childhood bullies will grow up to be demanding, controlling, and intimidating adults. Through their narcissism and selfishness, they stand little, if any, chance of establishing meaningful, healthy, adult relationships with others. They will be difficult co-workers and bosses. They will become well known to divorce court judges. They may have a familiar cell in the county jail. Although the Ted Bundys and Jeffrey Dahmers of the world are thankfully few, America has more than its share of angry, dominating, and despised adult bullies found in the home and the workplace. Unless we, as a society, make childhood bullying a priority, school shootings will continue and perhaps escalate under the “copycat” theory, bullycides will continue, and media violence will continue to saturate young, impressionable minds. This we can change, if we have the courage to do so.
Nathaniel Abraham was eleven years old when he shot and killed eighteen-year-old Ronnie Lee Greene in 1997. At age thirteen, Abraham stood trial as an adult for first-degree murder. When he was arrested for Greene’s murder, Abraham had an extensive juvenile record of offenses, such as burglary and assault. He was never called to answer for these crimes, nor did he even know his victim, Greene, who Abraham killed in a random shooting spree. Abraham, the youngest murder defendant in U.S. history, was sentenced as a juvenile and was released from custody on his 21st birthday.
This tragic case serves as an example of a home where limits and boundaries were likely not set, or at the least, not enforced. This is speculation, but if such limits had been set on Abraham’s behavior, perhaps this tragedy could have been avoided. Randel describes several types of boundaries that should be nurtured with children:
Physical boundaries — How much intrusion into your personal space will you allow? Bullies almost always violate victim’s physical boundaries.
Sexual boundaries — How will you decide how far you are willing to be sexually intimate with someone? Bullies touch others in a sexually inappropriate manner.
Emotional boundaries — How much will you allow others to tell you how to feel? Bullies insist that their bystanders feel “good” about what they are witnessing.
Spiritual boundaries — How much will you allow others to tell you what to believe? Bullies tend to insist on total domination of a victim’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
Establishing healthy boundaries with children is essential in preventing them from growing into full-fledged bullies. Many schools of thought about child development indicate that children actually want the healthy adults in their lives to set limits and boundaries because, being children, they are unable to do this for themselves, not because they are unwilling but because they are unable. Expecting children to set their own limits and boundaries is akin to expecting a family practice physician to perform brain neurosurgery; the physician may be willing to help the patient, but lacks the skills to perform the procedures. He or she should not be expected to perform what is foreign to them and what is doomed to harm the patient.
So essential are age-appropriate limits and boundaries that Randel points out several undesirable problems that are likely to occur without them:
• Children are more likely to follow their peer group into making unwise choices about sex, drinking, and driving.
• Children do not grow up with the ability or willingness to own their own behavior and its consequences; this leads to a life of unhappiness and turmoil.
• Children allow dominant peers to think, feel, and believe for them instead of making their own choices.
• Weak boundaries make it difficult to tell where the child ends and the dominant peer begins. They have no feelings of “self.”
“People who think they know it all seem to know it the loudest.” – Unknown
Bully-proofing our children and taking immediate disciplinary actions when our own child is the bully are two important but incomplete steps in eliminating bullies. As long as the school and community environments inadvertently allow fertile growth of bullying and bystanding, the problem will continue. Dismissing bullying as mere “child’s play” could (and probably has) get someone killed; at the least, this thought pattern will result in an emotionally barren adult. Once the issues of bullying and bystanding have received increased awareness, it is time for the school and the community to join forces with parents to finally end this destructive behavior.