Of course, no discussion on groom’s cakes would be complete without one of these:

I know it’s hard to recognize, considering you’re not in a car and he’s not spread over five feet of asphalt, but that’s an armadillo. Crafting cakes made to look like these scaly roadkill fodder became all the rage after a similar cake was featured in the movie Steel Magnolias. Since then guys have added their own unique spin on the tradition by often adding bullet holes, bloody gashes, and/or tire treads through the middle of the armadillo—to help their guests recognize it, perhaps?

 

Of course, if you’re going to have a cake that looks like an animal—dead or otherwise—you know you have to make it out of red velvet. It’s one of the unwritten rules of cake decorating. And I wouldn’t mind so much, either, except that everyone who sees an animal or person-shaped cake and then makes the crack, “Hey, you think they made it out of red velvet? Bwahahah!” thinks he is the very first person to do so.

[rubbing temples] “Ah, yes: red velvet. Good one. Haven’t heard that in, oh, at least an hour or so. Look, I’m just off to jab myself in the eyes for a bit, if it’s all the same to you …”