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October 13, 2010
Sonia closed her eyes so she wouldn’t see her vision board and called Dani instead of texting her.
“Hey, Sonia. What’s up?”
“I’m feeling kind of... low, I guess.”
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I’ve been thinking about my eyesight. I guess for right now, I’m getting by okay. But I’ve started thinking about the classes for next semester. Oh Dani, I’m not sure I can do everything I need to do. The classes I plan to take involve a lot of fine work, sketching, cutting, and sewing. I don’t know how to modify those things enough for me to see what I’m doing. The fine details get harder and harder to see. Since I developed Stargardt’s late, I sort of figured I would progress slowly.”
“You know, Sonia, you, me, and Lin have done a great job of brainstorming up ways for you to handle school stuff. But none of us has any experience with low vision. Maybe it’s time to turn to one of those organizations for the blind?”
“I’ve told you; I’m not using those people.”
“I really don’t know what else to suggest...”
“No! Those groups are for blind people.”
Dani sighed, then said, “I guess it’s too much to hope you told your family?”
Sonia’s anger melted into a mixture of grief and fear at the thought of telling her mother she couldn’t finish her fashion design program because she was blind. She swallowed hard and said, “No.”
As Sonia hung up the phone with Dani, a heavy silence settled over her room. The weight of her worries clung to the air, and she found herself unable to shake them off. The room echoed with the whispers of doubt.
Late that night, Sonia couldn't sleep. She was all tangled up in thoughts about the upcoming semester, worried about what might happen. The idea of asking the blind organization for help seemed like admitting she couldn't handle things on her own.
As morning light peeked into Sonia's room, it whispered a promise of a new day. But Sonia got up with a feeling of heaviness on her shoulders.
Sonia got to the history classroom extra early, so she could sit at the long table nearest the door, where she was most comfortable. Before doing anything, Sonia took a deep breath to help calm her racing mind. She inhaled in scents the previous class left behind. She could detect coffee, cologne, and perfume. She reached into her bookbag and removed her laptop and cell phone. Lin showed her how she could increase the size of the icons on her phone. Sonia opened the app to record the professor’s lecture, as well as opening the camera app on her laptop, which she aimed at the whiteboard. Recording the lectures and taking pictures of the board had been working well, for the most part.
She sat, slouched before her laptop, trying to keep the tears from building in her eyes. It wasn’t supposed to be progressing this quickly, she mumbled to herself. The more Sonia thought about the classes she was supposed to be taking next semester, the more her stomach twisted in knots. There would be sewing and manipulating fabric in her required courses that she doubted she could handle.
Sonia thought about how much Dani and Lin were hanging out with her now. Yes, they were getting together to talk about how she was functioning in class, but they also just hung out as well. They met up to eat dinner together and even went to a movie together. It’s good I found them when I did, because Becky sure isn’t around for me.
The semester was half over, and Sonia found her history research paper to be a real challenge. Dani tried to improve things for her by helping her to buy a combination lamp and magnifying glass to be able to read books on her own. Sonia would place her fingers on the knob and hesitate as negative thoughts rushed through her mind. At the first click, she would think: I’m broken. The second click seemed to say: I’m useless. And turning on the third level rang out loudly to her: I will never be anything.
She could picture herself, leaning over the magnifier, struggling to see the words on the page, even after being blown up to four times their actual size. It was humiliating to peer at things like an old person, to stumble around because she felt unsure of her step, wary she would trip and fall over something she couldn’t see. And she didn’t want to consider what this would do to her social life.
She was so lost in her own thoughts, she wasn’t aware of the history professor coming into the classroom. Sonia jumped when he said, “Here awfully early, Miss Bianchi, aren’t you?”
Sonia’s hand flew to her chest, and she could feel her heart race like a trapped animal. Sonia turned to face him, looking at him as best she could. His face was kind, with startling blue eyes that were now just a memory to her. His hair was thinning, but that detail also was obscured.
“Miss Bianchi, I didn’t mean to startle you. I should have seen you were preoccupied.”
“That’s okay, professor.”
As the professor continued to speak, Sonia’s mind drifted to the challenges beyond the classroom. The prospect of dating felt like an insurmountable mountain. Would anyone be willing to look past her visual impairment and see the vibrant person she was? How could she let someone into her world when she wasn’t sure if she could trust her own senses?
Sonia’s mind swirled with questions, doubts, and a deep sense of isolation. Dani and Lin were totally there for her, but dealing with everything else felt overwhelming. The professor’s question about accommodations snapped her back to the present, but thoughts of her struggles lingered.
“How’s your set-up working?”
Sonia looked at her laptop and phone, and almost wanted to cry to him that everything was failing her and her life was falling apart. Instead, she worked to steady the trembling she could feel in her chin and said, “It’s taken some getting used to, but I guess it’s alright.”
“Good, You should have let me know sooner you needed accommodations to take notes. Is there anything else you need?”
He looked at her, waiting for an answer. Sonia felt a knot of guilt reminding her that she still was carrying the pamphlets Dr. Miller had given her. “Gee, thanks, but no. I’m okay.”
She could see him shrug his shoulders. “Alright, but remember I do have some resources, if you need them.”
Sonia looked at her set-up and thought about the pamphlets that hid in her bookbag. The resources the professor mentioned seemed like a possibility. She hesitated for a moment, running her finger along the zipper of her bookbag that kept the dreaded pamphlets trapped inside. Perhaps there was wisdom in considering other options, even those she had dismissed before.
Her inner conflict didn’t show on her face, which she kept carefully calm and smooth. Would she keep saying no to help from groups for the visually impaired, or could she change her mind eventually?
As she began recording the lecture, Sonia weighed her options. Perhaps Dani and Lin were right. They would certainly support her as her vision grew worse, but there would come a time when they would not know what to do.