In On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., and On Grief and Grieving and Life Lessons by Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, the authors establish a framework for talking about and understanding common experiences associated with loss, whether it is one’s own death, the death of a loved one, or a significant personal loss. They underscore that navigating grief and death are natural parts of life and that it’s important to be kind to ourselves and to each other as we undergo these changes. The following are some thoughts and guidelines from these three classic works that may help you cope with loss in your own life.
Mortality
“I believe that we should make it a habit to think about death and dying occasionally, I hope before we encounter it in our own life. . . . It may be a blessing, therefore, to use the time of illness to think about death and dying in terms of ourselves.” (On Death and Dying, pp. 27–28)
Try to embrace dying and death as natural parts of life, so that you are better able to face them for others and for yourself when the time comes. If you can be open with someone in their final moments, think how much could be gained by both of you. Overcoming the instinct to shy away can bring great insight and comfort, lessening the need for fear.
“The question [of when to discuss death] should not be stated, ‘Do I tell my patient [or loved one]?’ but should be rephrased as, ‘How do I share this knowledge with my patient [or loved one]?’ ” (On Death and Dying, p. 34)
Be honest. People deserve to know what is really happening and the opportunity to address it.
Examine your own attitude. Lessen any anxiety you might have yourself so that you can talk frankly and calmly.
Listen for cues. Find out how ready someone is to face their new reality.
Keep it simple. Be clear, open and direct.
Be private, personal, and use discretion when discussing death.
Communicate empathy—let them know they’ll be supported, emotionally and physically.
Handling an Illness or Loss as a Family
“We cannot help the terminally ill patient in a really meaningful way if we do not include his family.” (On Death and Dying, p. 151)
Support is important. Family reactions play an important part in a patient’s own reaction and subsequent outlook.
It is natural that roles will change and adjustments will need to be made—frustration, anger, fatigue—all are natural reactions.
Take time to recharge. No one can face a terminal illness or difficult reality constantly. It is important to step away and rest, to better face things when your presence is truly needed.
Get help. A supportive friend or professional who is not as personally affected can ease the strain of making decisions and being there for a loved one by adding perspective when emotions are running high.
Share feelings openly and without judgment; family members go through the five stages of grief as well—being allowed to express those feelings honestly with each other can help everyone move toward acceptance.
Grief
“There is no correct way or time to grieve.” (On Grief and Grieving)
Take your time, there is no finish line and no judge.
Be sure to allow yourself time to move through all of the stages of grief, remembering that some stages may overlap and recur and all are a part of processing and learning. Furthermore, we do not all go through all five stages. And sometimes there is reoccurrence of an earlier stage after going through a later stage. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself no matter how you move through the stages.
New grief may call up memories of old grief; it is not uncommon to feel a past loss keenly when a new loss occurs, especially if you were not able to fully explore your feelings.
Don’t be afraid to feel your grief fully. Know that your losses are important. Try not to make comparisons between yourself and another person whereby you diminish the significance of your feelings.
Think about telling your story—to a friend, family member, significant other, or counselor. This can help you to make sense of everything that has happened and help you to move forward.
“Unfinished business is the biggest problem in life. . . . the more lessons we learn the more business we finish, and the more fully we live, really live life.” (Life Lessons, p. xvi)
Fear can’t stop death, but it can stop you from living a full life—remember to live in the moment and push fear aside as much as you can.
Play is as important for adults as it is for children; take time to add play and joy to your life.
Find Support
“Grief shared is grief abated.” (On Grief and Grieving)
Whether it’s a friend, family member, significant other, therapist, grief workshop, bereavement group, or pastor—find someone you can talk with.