A SCRIBNER READING GROUP GUIDE
On Grief and Grieving
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., and David Kessler
About This Guide
2014 is the tenth anniversary of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s death, but her work with the dying and the grieving continues to be incredibly helpful and comforting to so many people. The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of death, based on Kübler-Ross’s work with the terminally ill, was originally laid out in her classic work On Death and Dying. In this book, Kübler-Ross and David Kessler adapt the original model for death to the emotion of grief and give us a road map for the emotional journey that often accompanies loss. They make the case that the stages are not only about coming to terms with death but also with many significant losses, separations, breakups, dealing with parental divorce, or battling an addiction. This reading group guide includes questions to enhance your discussion of On Grief and Grieving, as well as insights from Kübler-Ross’s and Kessler’s work and suggestions for coping with loss.
Topics and Questions for Discussion
1. “Most of the time in grief we are focused on the loss in the past, but in anticipatory grief we occupy ourselves with the loss ahead.” Have you ever experienced anticipatory grief, or seen someone else experience it? What purpose might it serve?
2. In On Grief and Grieving, two men, one with a cane and another missing a leg, discuss their injuries. Brian, who lost a leg because of diabetes, tells the other man, “Well, at least you have two legs.” The man with the cane says, “Yes I do, but I lost my wife in the accident.” What motivated the one man to compare their situations? Did it help either man to make such a comparison?
3. Kübler-Ross and Kessler advise that “telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process. . . . Grief must be witnessed to be healed.” Can storytelling be healing? Do people need witnesses to heal?
4. In On Grief and Grieving, a man named Bill mourns the loss of his brother anew when he marries and begins a new family, grieving what his brother missed by dying young. Can grieving for the past help someone understand loss and life better?
5. Kübler-Ross mentions two death experiences from her childhood, one where her roommate at a hospital died in a way that she found to be “cold, lonely, sterile” and the farmer who died relatively peacefully at home. Where is it best to die? At home or in a hospital?
1. Kübler-Ross and Kessler use a quote from Shadowlands, a film based on C. S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed . C. S. Lewis wrote the series of reflections on bereavement that make up the book after his wife, Joy Davidman, died of cancer in 1960. Consider adding a viewing of Shadowlands and/or a reading of A Grief Observed to your discussion of On Grief and Grieving.
2. If you wish to become more familiar and comfortable with the end of life, or you want to help those nearing death themselves, you may want to consider volunteering for a local hospital, nursing home, or hospice agency.
3. If you are dealing with the loss of someone, you could join a grief workshop or a bereavement group. If you are anticipating a loss, writing a letter or keeping a journal that allows you to express your fears, hopes, regrets, reactions, and memories can be a wonderful outlet. You may want to write a letter addressed to a loved one or a friend, or simply keep a journal where you record your thoughts and feelings.