CHAPTER TEN

Fortunately, Karen had stopped drinking the spiked punch in time to prevent herself from getting sick before Daddy arrived to pick us up, but she was moaning about a stomachache and looked pale to me as his arrival became imminent. I told her to keep drinking water. Tommy suggested she and I go out a little earlier and wait to be picked up.

“Fresh air will help,” he whispered, and he and Billy London went out with us. Billy held Karen’s arm as we walked around the driveway. She moaned and complained, but for now, it seemed to help.

I thanked Tommy for his help.

“I like that you didn’t drink any of that junk,” he said when we paused in the shadows. “You have a look that tells me you’re something special, Saffron.”

“I don’t feel like something special.”

“Oh, someday you will. Maybe someday soon,” he whispered. We were inches apart. Slowly, he brought his lips to mine. I could hear Karen complaining about the “junky food and punch.” She wasn’t looking our way. When Tommy pulled his head back, I wondered if he could tell that he was the first boy I had ever kissed like that. Did I do it right? Was I stupid?

He smiled.

“You’re special, Saffron, because you make me feel special.”

I was excited, and I felt good, but I was suddenly overcome with a rush of fear. Someday surely he would find out the truth about me and what he thought now was special he might just decide was only weird.

The headlights of Daddy’s car appeared, and we all moved quickly to greet him. Both boys said hi.

“Big game coming,” Daddy said. “Don’t you guys stay out too late. I have my life savings bet on it.”

They laughed.

Billy opened the door for Karen, and Tommy opened the rear door for me.

“Night,” I told Tommy.

He mouthed, “You’re special.”

Karen didn’t even look at Billy.

After she got into Daddy’s car, I was sure he would realize that she had drunk something alcoholic. I could smell it almost as soon as the doors closed, but if he did, he ignored it. When he asked how the party was, she said, “Good,” closed her eyes, and leaned against the door. He glanced back at me through the rearview mirror.

“Did you have a good time, Saffron?”

Karen came to life. “She had a great time.”

The jealousy was dripping from her lips.

“Oh?”

“It was very nice,” I said quickly, maybe too quickly.

He drove away. I glanced back at Tommy, who stood there watching us until we turned a corner.

“The party’s not really over, Daddy,” Karen said. “Most of my friends are still there. They can stay out until midnight or later. Their parents don’t treat them as still being children.”

“Take it up with your mother,” Daddy said. “Good food?”

“Ugh,” Karen said.

“It was fine,” I said.

“To you, anything would have been. Did you know Saffron hadn’t been to a party before? That’s pretty weird, isn’t it?”

“Well, she’s giving you a fresh perspective on it, then,” Daddy said, still eyeing me carefully in the rearview mirror.

Karen grunted and leaned against the door again.

“You don’t look like you have the energy to go much longer anyway, Karen,” Daddy told her.

“Because I’m bored now. When you’re bored, you look tired,” Karen countered.

“How about you, Saffron?”

“I’m fine. Tired, not bored,” I added.

Daddy kept trying to catch a glimpse of me in the rearview mirror. I was sure that he had heard something in my voice. I was still a little shaky after hearing about the upcoming basketball game. It wasn’t easy to hide my nervousness, even from my father, who hadn’t seen or heard me for years.

After we pulled into the garage, Karen got out quickly, mumbling about being treated like a baby. She charged through the door.

“You should say good-night to your mother, Karen,” Daddy shouted after her.

She didn’t hesitate. The door slammed behind her. I thought she might be close to vomiting now. Daddy deliberately walked slowly, so he and I could linger for a few minutes. Ava was in bed. He had mentioned that Garson had been having another bad night and had finally fallen asleep.

“How did it really go?” he asked me while we were still in the kitchen.

“The party was fine. I mean, I was asked lots of questions, but I kept my answers vague enough, except the one about not ever being at a party like that. It’s not easy to check every word at your lips first.”

“I know. I realize how difficult it must be for you, but it’s best for now, Saffron, believe me.”

What choice did I have? When he said it was best for now, I thought, Best for you, not me.

“Karen seemed to think you had a good time,” he said, obviously fishing for more information. “She sounded a little jealous?”

“I made friends with Tommy Diamond. That’s what Karen meant.”

“I saw how he escorted you out. You know he’s the school’s star basketball player?”

“Yes.”

He was thoughtful. I imagined it was because Tommy was an African American, and maybe Ava wouldn’t approve. Maybe he didn’t approve. Suddenly, his eyes lit up.

“We’re playing for the division championship this Tuesday.”

“Uh-huh,” I said. “It’s the home game he wanted me to attend, but…”

The expression on his face told me he didn’t need me to say it. The realization lit his eyes. “It’s against Hurley.”

“Yes, and if their fans come in large numbers and anyone sees me… It was a village half this size. Unfortunately, I became too well known. If some of them approach me, they’ll want to know what I’m doing living here. Karen could overhear the chatter.”

He nodded, thinking.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I don’t see how I can go. Karen will find it very strange that I don’t, since Tommy and I became such good friends. He’ll be after me to be there, too. What should I do?”

“I’ll figure out something,” he said. “Go on up to bed. You’re meeting my father-in-law and seeing Saddlebrook tomorrow. Just think about that.”

Just go to bed? Did he think I could simply fall asleep? Was he really this oblivious to my feelings and fears?

I left him and went up to my room. Before I could undress and get ready for bed, Ava surprised me by coming to my room. She was in her nightgown. Without any makeup, she looked older, angrier. She stared at me so hard for a moment that I stopped breathing. Had she found it all out? Had Daddy confessed because of the game with Hurley? Was it over? This could be his solution to my attending the game, and indeed my whole future here, but I felt like I was running over a bed of hot coals to get there. I was afraid, but I also let a feeling of relief seep in.

“I’ve looked in on Karen. I just wanted to see how you were,” she said. She stepped deeper into the room to get a closer look at me and smell for alcohol.

“Just tired,” I said. “I danced a lot more than I expected I would.”

“You’d have to be absent the sense of smell not to know Karen’s had something alcoholic to drink. Your uncle either is the most oblivious man on the planet or would rather ignore it. That’s frequently his choice when it comes to problems, especially with her. You didn’t drink anything alcoholic?”

I shook my head.

“Couldn’t you stop her?”

I looked at her askance. Was she serious?

“I know she thinks that because of your hard life you’re somehow street-smart, cool.”

“I’ve done or said nothing to lead her to believe that, Aunt Ava. She sees what she wants. I’m not corrupting her, if that’s what you think.”

She nodded. “Anyway, I know Sid and Marilyn Toby very well. They’d never have permitted anything like that. What went on there? Was everybody else drinking? Did they use the Tobys’ liquor? Anything get broken? Was it worse?”

I pressed my upper lip over my lower as if I was preventing myself from blurting out information. Ava had a way of staring right into you, I thought. How could she not see all the deception in my father? Or was she doing the same thing she accused him of doing, ignoring it?

“Well?” she asked. “How much did my daughter drink? Did anyone use any drugs?”

“I don’t want to get you angry, and I don’t want to lie to you, Aunt Ava, but Karen and I are just getting to know each other. I have no way to know for certain, since I didn’t have the experience, but it seems to me it is difficult for a daughter, especially a teenage daughter, to have another teenage girl suddenly become part of her family and have to share her parents with her. If you force me to be the tattletale and get her into trouble, what do you think the chances of she and I ever having a good relationship will be?”

Her eyes stopped piercing me with darts and widened with more surprise. She nodded slowly. “Karen also was complaining that you’re too adult. The word ‘adult’ to her is not favorable at this age. All it means to her are more restrictions on her behavior. I can see she was right about you, however. Your hard life has forced you to be wiser than others your age. Okay,” she said. “Let’s leave it for now.”

She started out, then stopped at the door and turned back. “What was your overall opinion of the kids you met at this party, Karen’s friends?”

“They’re just…”

“What? Well?” she pursued when I hesitated.

“Lucky,” I said, and she gave me the warmest smile since I had arrived.

“Have a good night’s sleep, Saffron. My father is looking forward to meeting you tomorrow, but he can be quite judgmental.”

“What does that mean?”

“He has strong opinions… about everything. And he’s never shy about offering them. He’s a man who is used to getting his own way. For my father, ‘compromise’ is a fancy word for surrendering. He is, however, one of the, if not the, most successful men in the state.”

She didn’t sound like a loving daughter should, I thought, and nodded.

“And yes,” she said as she was leaving, “he does regret never having a son.”

And yes?

I hadn’t said anything. Did she believe everyone assumed that, or did her father do something to make it obvious?

She left, leaving my door opened enough for me to hear Garson starting to cry. When she closed her bedroom door, it was muffled. I closed mine completely and moved quickly to get myself to bed, but when I did, I didn’t fall right to sleep. I tossed and turned as if I were sleeping on abrasive straw. However, it wasn’t because I was worrying about meeting Mr. Saddlebrook or how I would handle the upcoming game between our school and Hurley. Those images of potential disaster weren’t the images I was envisioning. What I was revisiting were Tommy Diamond’s smile, Tommy Diamond’s laugh, and Tommy Diamond’s intense perusal of my face before we had kissed. I wanted the memory and feel of his lips on mine to be there until I fell asleep.

Favorite movie love scenes and my own fantasies rushed the birth of my sexuality like some impatient bird pecking holes and cracks in the egg that lay between it and the experiences that awaited outside. Right now, lying here and staring up at the ceiling, I could think only about how Tommy and I danced. The feelings I recalled when he had touched me and the way his whispered breath caressed my ear, my cheeks, and once, face-to-face and so close, my moistened lips, all that and especially that good-night kiss made the nipples of my breasts tingle against the top of my pajamas. My fingers pressed softly on the insides of my thighs. I subdued a moan and quickly turned to press my face against my pillow to smother the thoughts, but they were not easily pressed away.

What’s wrong with me? I should be terrified, I thought, not lovesick. How could I become close and intimate with anyone right now? He would surely see through all the lies eventually. Honesty has to be a blood relative of affection. The stronger and the deeper my feelings for someone else and his feelings for me became, the faster deception would be peeled away until that moment would arrive when I would have to say, I am not who you have been told I am.

Then what? The world of lies would tumble, cascade, dropping me into oblivion. Why would someone on a rocket ship to success want to tie on such dark and foreboding weight?

Get back, I ordered my romantic feelings. You’re too soon. There isn’t a safe place for you yet here.

Maybe there would never be, I thought.

I closed my eyes and clung to the darkness for safety and sleep.

Surprisingly, Karen rose before I even opened my eyes in the morning and came into my room. I was anticipating her having a hangover and complaining, somehow finding a way to blame me for it.

“What?” I asked, looking at her standing beside my bed and glaring down at me.

“Did you say anything to my mother about the party? I’d like to know before I get dressed and go down into the pit.”

I sat up. “I didn’t say anything, but she came in here to question me because she smelled the alcohol on you. Did you get sick?”

“No. She came in so quickly after I stepped into my room that I had to swallow it down. She didn’t start screaming or anything. Just her usual ‘we’ll talk about this in the morning’ threat, but I got a text already from Margaret.”

“A text?”

“You get it on your phone, stupid. Messages?”

“Oh. Right. Well, what was the message?” I said, sitting up.

“No one knew it, but Paul Martin and Lee Burton thought it would be clever to give her brother some of the punch so he’d sleep and not bother anyone. He threw up in his bed. Her mother is bonkers. Margaret can never have another party, and she is grounded for a month. She can’t even go to the championship basketball game.”

“I was wondering why nobody said anything about her brother. I remember Adele said someone was supposed to check on him all the time. Is he still sick?”

“Forget about her brother. Don’t you get it? Marilyn Toby’s going to call my mother for sure, if she hasn’t already. If she asks you again about me, just say I had a little. That’s what I’m going to say. I had a little, and I didn’t like it. I can’t be blamed for what other kids do. When we found out, you and I both thought it was terrible, but we couldn’t stop them. Got it?”

I stared at her a moment before replying. Either everyone in this family knowingly lies to each other, or they’re all just as oblivious as Ava accused my father of being.

“I haven’t known your mother that long, Karen, but she’s not someone easily lied to. And,” I decided to add, “I’m not a good liar.”

She raised her eyes to the ceiling. “I know that. Just… don’t offer much. I’ll take care of it. Okay?”

“Whatever,” I said, shrugging.

“If we both get grounded, you won’t be able to go to the game, either, and that won’t make Tommy happy. I know you’d like to make him happy.”

She waited for me to confess it, but I didn’t move a muscle in my face. What she was threatening was actually something of a solution for me. I was very tempted to get us both into trouble. It would certainly simplify things for both me and Daddy.

“Jeez,” she said, blowing air through her lips. “Just do what I told you to do.” She turned and left to get dressed.

She waited for me in her room at her door before going down. As soon as I stepped out of my room, she stepped out of hers.

“Let’s face the firing squad together,” she said. “That way, we’ll make less mistakes.”

She walked ahead of me. As I followed, I realized I had yet to spend a minute in this house without being deceptive.

Daddy was holding and rocking Garson at the kitchenette table. Apparently, Garson was asleep. Ava turned from the stove and glared at us. One look at her face told me Mrs. Toby had called and given her two earfuls for sure. Her eyes looked like they could burn holes through walls.

“Just sit,” she ordered.

There was more fire in those violet orbs than ever. Frightened, Karen hurried ahead to the table. We sat and quietly started to serve ourselves juice and coffee. Daddy said nothing. He glanced at us and continued rocking Garson. Only the sounds of Ava preparing scrambled eggs broke the silence.

“I don’t like eating with anger,” she said, bringing the eggs in and serving us each a portion. “So we won’t talk until we’ve all finished.”

Daddy lowered Garson carefully to his bassinet and took his seat as quietly and as obediently as another child. We were all in a silent movie, waiting for someone to turn up the volume. Karen looked at me, probably to confirm I would do exactly as she had prescribed, but I simply ate and stared ahead. When Ava put down her fork, I thought it was as if someone in another room had begun a drumroll.

“Marilyn Toby called me this morning. She was quite beside herself. I’d like some honest answers,” she said, speaking with great control and patience. “Do either of you know who fed Ben Toby the spiked punch that turned his stomach?”

“No,” Karen said, much too quickly.

I shook my head.

“Did you know such a thing was happening?”

“No,” Karen said.

“No one bragged to us that they’d done it, Aunt Ava. Most of us were dancing and talking and didn’t think at all about her brother.”

For me, that was the truth. I wondered when I sounded more honest, when I lied or when I told the truth, since the latter was so rare for me right now.

“And most of you were drinking that garbage,” she said, looking at Karen. “I’m sure more than just little Ben Toby were sick from it.”

“I just had a sip, and it was nauseating. It nearly ruined my night. I don’t know how others drank so much of it. Right, Saffron?”

I looked at Ava. I wasn’t even going to try it.

“I’m not looking for alibis, excuses, or half-truths. Margaret’s been grounded. I don’t want to hear about any parties for the foreseeable future,” Ava said. “School parties included.”

“That’s not fair,” Karen moaned. “We can’t tell everyone else what to do. Why are you blaming us? If we win the championship, there’ll be a celebration party. Parents will be going, too, so there won’t be anything going on anyway.”

Ava curled her lips and looked at Daddy, obviously ordering him to respond.

“If there is a school celebration party, your mother and I will attend. We’ll have Celisse watch Garson that night. But until things settle down, that will have to be it for now, Karen. No friends over and no going to friends’ houses.”

“And don’t tell us you just sipped it, Karen,” Ava said. “Neither of us was born yesterday.”

“That’s all I did!”

Ava stared hard at her. Karen had to look down.

“I have told you many times, Karen, that lying about something you’ve done wrong is like adding a poison frosting to a bitter cake.”

Karen continued to stare at her plate.

“Fine example you’re showing your cousin, Karen, and the first time at a social event, too. I can just imagine the gossip going on in homes all over Sandburg Creek. You know all eyes are on this family,” Ava said.

Karen looked up, nearly in tears, and gathered her defiance, something I was sure she had inherited from the Saddlebrook side of her family.

“Showing my cousin? You don’t think she’s seen worse just because she doesn’t talk about it? Besides, we’re not royalty, Mother. You’re not inheriting a throne. This is a democracy.”

“Royalty in America comes from exemplary behavior, from success and influence. Now, after you two clean up after breakfast, I expect you to spend the rest of the day doing your schoolwork. We’ll be leaving for Saddlebrook at four. Be sure you dress properly. Choose a casual dress, and Karen, do not load yourself up with jewelry. You know your grandfather isn’t fond of that, nor is he fond of young girls with heavy makeup. A touch of lipstick will do. Your father and I are going to the den to discuss some business concerns. If Garson wakes, tend to him. His bottle is prepared.”

She rose, and Daddy got up instantly. Karen kept her head down, but I locked eyes with him. His were full of warnings. He nodded and followed Ava.

“Well, that’s better than I expected,” I said.

“What?”

“We’re not grounded like Margaret is,” I said. “We just can’t attend parties. That’s how I interpret it.”

“How you interpret it? What are you, a lawyer?”

Her eyelids narrowed with suspicion. I feared her next question would be Who are you really? But she was thinking of something else.

“My mother didn’t direct anything toward you. She blamed me for setting a bad example for you. Did you tell on me? You did, didn’t you?”

“I said nothing negative about you, Karen. Like I told you at the party. You telegraphed it all yourself.”

“Negative? Telegraphed? Interpret?” She shook her head. “You’re weird.”

She started to clear off the table, making more noise than necessary. Garson woke and immediately began crying.

“Go on,” she said. “Get to know your cousin.”

She went into the kitchen. I looked at my half brother, who was squirming uncomfortably. I had never held a baby. I rose and carefully lifted him out of his cradle. His eyes searched my face, and he suddenly stopped crying. Does he sense who I really am? I wondered. Do babies have unfettered instincts and feelings?

“You know me, don’t you?” I whispered.

He looked like he was smiling.

Karen returned to continue clearing the table and paused. “What did you do, hypnotize him?”

I shook my head. “Just doing what Uncle Derick did, rocking him.”

“Good. He likes you better than he likes me. You can take care of him most of the time when we have to babysit.”

“That’s no problem,” I said.

She groaned. “Stop trying to be so damn goody-goody. The more you look like an angel, the more I look like the devil.”

“I’m no angel, Karen, and I’m not trying to be one.”

“Yeah, but they don’t know it,” she said.

Garson started to squirm and cry.

“You think he needs his bottle?”

“I don’t know. I’ll warm it, and you feed him. I want to get back up to my room and call some of my friends to see how fast all this is spreading. You feed him and rock him to sleep,” she ordered.

“Doesn’t Celisse come on the weekends?”

“Sometimes. She’s not a live-in nanny. My mother likes pretending she’s a mother,” she said. She paused, her frustration and anger disappearing. “My grandmother wasn’t much of a mother. Mom claims her mother missed her birthdays often to attend social events. She says she was brought up by her nanny, Victoria Austen, who was only in her twenties when she started working for my grandparents. Supposedly, Victoria was real royalty, but her family went bankrupt, and she had to work. You’ll see her picture at Saddlebrook. My grandfather practically worships it.”

She paused, and then in a whisper, with her eyes on the door, added, “I think he might have had an affair with her. The house is so big you could set off a bomb in one room and no one would know in another. My mother wasn’t brought up in a happy household despite how rich they were.”

“I understand,” I said.

“You do? Well, I don’t,” she said. “Why do I have to suffer because she wasn’t loved enough?”

Garson started to cry harder, so Karen went to get his bottle. I didn’t think I’d ever pause to feel sorry for Ava, but it was as if a discordant note had been sounded on a piano. This so-called envied world of power and wealth had rips in its seams. They were covered over or ignored, perhaps, but nevertheless they were there threatening to tear it all apart. Had Daddy known all this when he stepped into it? Right now, I didn’t know if he had, and I couldn’t tell if he knew how serious it all was now. Maybe I would learn more at Saddlebrook about this family and his place in it. I’d never approve of what he had done, but I might understand why he had done it.

The truth was, he was really still more of a stranger than he was my father. He was more comfortable living in the fiction than I was. Was it only because of his fear of Ava and her father? Or had he written me out of his life that day at the train station and hoped it would stay that way forever? Surely I reminded him too much about what had come before, especially my mother. I had been noticing it in his face more and more, especially when he didn’t think I was looking at him. It was like a mixture of anxiety and anger seeping into his eyes, turning them into pools of white and gray, the color of bones.

“Here,” Karen said, thrusting the bottle at me. “Go for it.”

I sat and fed Garson. As he suckled, his inquisitive eyes continued to search my face.

“I’m going up,” Karen called from the kitchen.

I didn’t move; I didn’t speak. Her steps died away on the stairs, and it was so quiet I could hear only Garson’s little grunts of pleasure as he fed. After a while, he just stopped, closed his eyes, and fell asleep. I lowered him gently into his bassinet just as Ava and Daddy reappeared. I didn’t know how long they were standing there and watching me, but they both looked very pleased when I turned to them.

“That’s very good, Saffron,” Ava said. “He doesn’t do as well with his sister. Maybe there’s something else you can teach her.”

I looked at Daddy. There was no expression of irony, no regret, and no urge to be honest. I imagined him saying, Well, to be truthful about it, Ava, she is his sister, his half sister.

Silence, even for a moment, felt like ice dripping down my spine. I forced a smile.

“I’m sure she has things to teach me,” I said.

Ava rolled her eyes. “I hate to think what. Go on up and do your work, and make sure she does hers.”

“I’ve got a few errands to do. See you all later,” Daddy said, and hurried off just like someone effecting a quick escape.

When I entered my room, I heard the phone ringing and for a moment didn’t realize it was my own, my new cell phone. This would be the first time I had used it. I pressed accept and said, “Hello? Who is this, please?”

I heard Tommy laugh. “Didn’t you see my name on your screen?”

“What? Oh. I just answered quickly without looking. I didn’t know it would tell me that.”

He laughed again. “Word is this is your first cell phone. Is that true?”

“It’s complicated,” I said.

“That makes it more interesting. So I’m calling to see if I can take you to lunch today. I can—”

“Didn’t you hear about Margaret Toby’s brother? All the parents are on the warpath.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did I. No one’s accused either of us. And besides, none of these parents wants it advertised. We’re safe.”

“Karen’s mother wants our social activities on hold for now.”

“Oh.”

“Besides, I couldn’t go anyway. We’re visiting Saddlebrook for dinner. We’re leaving at four, and both Karen and I are confined to our work so we’ll have nothing to do when we come back tonight.”

“Saddlebrook. Most impressive estate in the area. Probably see you in school, then,” he said, sounding quite down.

“Of course,” I said.

“Maybe you can come to watch practice. I’ll take you home,” he quickly added.

I knew my hesitation was discouraging, but I was thinking ahead to his disappointment when I didn’t go to the big game. Every moment of my life now seemed to be tied in a knot.

“I mean, that’s not really socializing.”

“I’ll try,” I said. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“Sure. Have a great time at Saddlebrook.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t give any other boy at school your phone number,” he said quickly, before ending the call.

I started to answer but realized he was no longer there.

Still, I had a smile on my face. The first boy I had a crush on and who had one on me appeared to be the heartthrob of a number of girls at the school. It all happened to me very quickly, too. Probably, after what had happened at Hurley, no boy there would have asked me out, ever. Mazy used to say, “Dig deep enough even into bad news, and you’re bound to find something to give you hope.”

These seeds of romance were making it difficult for me to do my reading. I told myself that I’d surely have some time before I went to sleep. For now, to distract myself, I went to Karen’s room to help her with her homework. She hadn’t opened a book and was still on the phone with friends.

“I’ll come to your room,” she told me, with her hand over the phone. “I’m on a conference call.”

“Oh, sorry,” I said, and returned to my room. I guess I will read after all, I thought, and went right to it.

Karen didn’t come into my room for a good half hour or so and didn’t bring any of her books with her.

“This whole thing is a big disaster,” she moaned. “Parents are bigger gossips than kids. Practically everyone is grounded… no home parties, and some can’t go out for a month. You’d think we’d robbed the bank Mr. Toby runs.”

“Tommy told me they wouldn’t be talking about it, that they didn’t want to advertise it.”

“Tommy? When?”

“Just now. He called me to go for a ride.”

“Are you going?”

“We can’t do any socializing, remember?”

She stamped her foot. “It’s not fair.”

I sighed and shook my head.

“What?” she asked.

“When something unpleasant happens and you dwell on it, you only make it worse. Let it settle down,” I said, and thought to myself how small this was compared to what had happened to me in Hurley—my neighbor dying, a boy being killed in a car accident, and Mazy’s suddenly dying. Karen’s biggest tragedy would be losing cell-phone service.

“Let it settle down? You talk like someone older than my mother.”

“You lied to your parents. All your friends lied to theirs. Stop being so dramatic about it. What if that little boy had been hurt? What if someone who could drive had left the party and gotten into a serious, maybe fatal accident? Mr. and Mrs. Toby could be sued or something.”

She stared at me. “The school’s guidance counselor and therapist has moved into my house,” she said finally.

I laughed.

“It’s not funny.”

“Relax. Everyone’s going to live,” I said. “We’d better get on to the schoolwork.”

“No.”

“No?”

“Adele and Vikki have come up with a plan, and so far everyone agrees,” she said.

“What plan?”

“No one is going to do schoolwork, and no one is going to speak in class. Our parents will find out instantly. If they can gang up on us, we can gang up on them. You’d better close those books and join us,” she said. “Even Billy London and Chris Loman agree. Chris is going to tell Tommy. And don’t mention it later at Saddlebrook. We want it to come as a surprise.”

“That’s a mistake,” I said.

“Oh, yeah, why?”

“If the basketball players join your protest, the principal could suspend them from the team. You want to be responsible for that?”

She stood there blinking. “She wouldn’t do that.”

“Who has more influence on her, you and your friends or the parents, especially Mr. Toby?”

“You’re weird. If you don’t do like the rest of us, you’ll never have a friend in this school,” she threatened, then turned and hurried out of my room.

I was in a crisis with my father; I was in a crisis in this house and with my half sister. Soon I’d be in a crisis at school.

The prospect of packing my old bag, taking only the things I came with, suddenly loomed large.

I would get back on that train.

Right now, I thought that whatever awaited me at the next stop or two could not be worse than all this.

Eventually, I thought, I would get on anyway.

What difference would it make if I did it sooner rather than later?

“Mazy Dazy,” I whispered. “What do you think I should do?”