CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“Did he say he would make you a party in the grand ballroom?” Karen asked as soon as I entered through the front door. She practically lunged at me in the entryway. Aunt Ava had permitted her to wait up in the study, where both she and my father were watching television, both eagerly awaiting me as well.

“Before I left, he told me to start the planning for it,” I said.

“Really,” she said, not asked. I could see in her expression that she was both happy and a little disturbed about it. “How can you plan for it? You won’t know who to invite, besides Tommy.”

“Whom,” I said.

“What?”

“Of course, you’ll help plan, Karen. You’ll make most of the decisions. What do I know about parties and people to invite?”

Aunt Ava came to the study doorway.

“Is everything all right, or did my father make you feel uncomfortable about being legally adopted?”

“It was fine. He’s just very proud of his family, the history and importance in the community, and wants to be sure I will be, too.”

On the ride home, I had rehearsed this answer for her, expecting the question or something similar.

“He has to be in control of everything,” she muttered. “The puppet master.”

“How’s Garson?”

“We got him to sleep an hour or so ago. I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. He might have an infection. We’ll see. All right. You two go to bed.”

I just gazed in at my father, who was staring at the television set but probably not hearing or seeing anything playing. I was sure he had heard my response. I waited, but he didn’t even look at me. Wasn’t he worried? Didn’t he want to know what Amos Saddlebrook and I had discussed, or was he simply afraid to ask anything in front of Ava and Karen?

I walked past Karen and headed for the stairway. She followed quickly.

“Well, what did he say about the party exactly? Did he say we could have live music or what? And I hope we can do the menu. My friends don’t like to eat all that fancy stuff.”

“He didn’t get into any details like that, but I’m sure we can and will,” I tossed back at her, and hurried up the stairs. She followed me to my room and stood in the doorway, watching me get undressed. I know she was trying to figure out what I was really feeling, thinking.

“Something isn’t right. You’re too quiet. Did he frighten you or anything?”

I paused and thought about it.

“He did, didn’t he?” she said. “He’s such a bully.”

“He doesn’t frighten you like someone full of threats. Your grandfather reeks of power. He’s not someone you can lie to or deceive easily. But I’m sure you know that, too. I’m just tired, Karen. I want to go to sleep.”

“Well, what did you talk about all this time? It wasn’t just having a party.”

“He wanted to know more about me, and he wanted me to know more about the Saddlebrook family. Just like I told your mother.”

“Mother’s right. He likes to be in control of our lives and always has. He puts down his rules, and we have to live by them.”

I started for the bathroom. She stepped back, seeing I was so determined I could knock her over.

“I don’t care about his rules. You’d just better not invite Melina Forest,” she said. I kept walking. “She’ll keep Tommy from paying attention to you!”

I closed the door and just stood there, waiting for my heart to slow down. I wasn’t thinking at all about any party. Memories and images I had long ago tried to crush were flying back at me like stinging hail. The sound of the wheels of the train that brought me here was grinding away at my brain. I saw flames dancing in the kitchen. When I looked back into the smoky darkness, I screamed. I could hear it. I put my hands over my ears and pressed so hard it hurt, as if that would shut out the sound.

Karen opened the door.

“Well, I did a lot of talking waiting for you. I think they’ll let us go to the party after the game,” she said. “I’ve put a hold on everyone not doing homework in protest, even though I still have some to do. Just don’t say anything that might screw it up. It could be a great party if we win the game.”

She closed the door.

Parties. Party for me, party for the team, parties, parties, parties. How lucky she was, able to be so indifferent to everything else. Perhaps it wasn’t until this moment that I truly realized how jealous of her I really was. It was as if I had been forced to leap over my childhood and even now, my teenage years. Karen could be a child forever, coddled and cared for, her every whim attended to. I had calluses on my feelings that she would never see, much less experience. I knew that being a child forever really wasn’t something to desire if you had self-pride and self-respect and wanted the respect of others as well. I wanted to grow up and be responsible and worthy of praise, but I never really had playtime. You need children your age to have playtime.

Daddy had forced me to replace my real difficult and painful childhood with a fictional one. To survive, I had to build my new identity out of lies, embellish the deceit any way I wanted or could imagine. How could I ever relax? This life was exhausting and full of traps. I had just lied to Karen again. I didn’t trust what I had seen in Amos Saddlebrook’s eyes. He did frighten me. In fact, I had been trembling all the way home and was still trembling even now. How was this going to end? I wished that it would. I wished that the bottled-up real me could breathe again.

I prepared for bed and went into my room. Clouds had shifted, and the light from a nearly full moon put a silvery glow on everything. After I slipped under the blanket, I lay back on my pillow with my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling. I heard Garson’s crying behind Daddy and Ava’s bedroom door. I could hear Daddy’s heavier footsteps as he went downstairs and, minutes later, came hurrying up. Garson’s crying stopped soon afterward. The stillness seemed extra thick. I brought my hands around, closed my eyes, and turned over to sleep.

Not five minutes later, I heard the door open and, expecting it was Karen, turned over to chase her out. But it was Daddy. He closed the door softly behind him and stood in the glow of the moonlight, a silhouette, more like a shadow than a man. Maybe I was already dreaming.

“Did he upset you?” he asked in a loud whisper after taking another step toward me. “What did he ask?”

“He wanted to know about my mother and you, the long estrangement, and why I would come here. Same as Ava.”

“You stuck to the story?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure what he thinks, what he believes.”

“Why?”

“It’s just a feeling,” I said.

“It’s all right,” Daddy said. “You’re going to be a part of this family, his family. None of it will matter anyway as far as he’s concerned once you’re tied to the Saddlebrook heritage.”

I said nothing, but I didn’t have his confidence.

He stood there.

“You were wonderful tonight. Everything is fine. Very soon,” he said. I’m sure he was smiling. “Very soon, you’ll be able to call me Daddy again.”

He waited a moment, and then he turned and slipped out when I didn’t respond.

He wouldn’t have liked it, perhaps.

I might have said, I don’t know if I will.

---

Even before we arrived at school the following day, everyone knew I was to be adopted. Karen had gone on her phone. Apparently, from the reactions I saw, she hadn’t been complaining, just announcing it and, with it, the prospect of a big celebration at Saddlebrook. I knew she was using it to wield her power over her doting classmates. I hated being the cause of that, and I didn’t enjoy the phony friendliness it was drawing to me, either.

“I guess I don’t have to ask you how your dinner at Saddlebrook was,” Tommy said when we met in the hall. Melina was with him. “Adopted. Are you happy about it?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Karen will officially be your sister,” he joked.

Melina told him to stop teasing. One of Karen’s friends was sure to hear him.

“Sorry. You’re coming to practice today, right?” he asked. “I’ll take you home.”

Knowing that I would be unable to attend the game made me hesitant. I didn’t want to build up his expectations, but I didn’t want to create any suspicions, either.

“I’ll be there with Melina,” I said. “We can work on some math problems while we watch.”

“Once you see me out there, you won’t be able to concentrate on schoolwork,” he bragged with a broad smile.

“Did I forget to tell you he was narcissistic?” Melina said.

The three of us laughed. Staying close to Tommy and Melina most of the day kept me from having to put on the false face of excitement over a grand party that I couldn’t help feeling celebrated so much untruth. I feared that I would look so uncomfortable that Amos Saddlebrook would have even deeper suspicions. Lies so stretched out would surely snap.

Karen wanted me to hang with her more, especially at lunch. I was like a new jewel to wear. Whenever she had the opportunity to say it, she did. “Did you meet my new sister?”

Each time, I was tempted to say it: I am really your sister, your blood sister, a half sister. We share the same father.

It would be as if the ceiling was caving in, especially on her. I swallowed back the words, of course, gave my best fake smile of delight. I told her I was staying after school to watch basketball practice.

“Maybe you can tell Uncle Derick when he comes to pick us up,” I said.

“I’ve already called him and told him you’re staying to watch basketball practice and I’m going over to Adele’s house with Margaret. They can help me plan the adoption party,” she said, and walked away.

Right after the last class of the day, Melina and I sat in the bleachers and watched the practice. We did have our textbooks open, but she didn’t push us to do anything. She saw how drawn I was to watching Tommy. I knew practically nothing about sports, any sport, but I had seen some basketball on television. While the other players seemed forced at times, struggling to press their offense and defense, Tommy floated gracefully, slicing with confidence through the air and making basket after basket as if it was as natural to him as breathing.

“He really is good, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” Melina said. “And although I tease him about having too big an ego, it’s his self-confidence that enables him to use his skills. You have to believe in yourself more than other people believe in you.”

I looked at her with more interest. She wasn’t a budding beauty, by any means, but she had that same graceful self-confidence in her eyes.

“How did you get yours?”

“It just comes, I guess. I’m focused and therefore probably older than I am. There are advantages and disadvantages. Most of the girls here distrust someone so… responsible? It’s like I’d report them for littering or something.”

She peered harder at me.

“Sometimes you strike me as someone who’s arrived at the same place I’m at but through much more difficult travels.”

“Yes” was as much as I wanted to say. Best to turn the conversation to her, I thought. “What do you want to do? I bet you’ll get into any college you want.”

“I’m going into medicine,” she said, as if it was a foregone conclusion. “I’m leaning toward cardiology.”

“I don’t doubt you’ll do it.”

She shrugged. “Neither do I.”

We laughed. Tommy made what looked like an impossible shot and gazed up at us, at me.

“He’s showing off for you,” Melina said. “Coach McDermott is going to chew him out for not passing.”

“Seems like I am best at getting someone else in trouble.”

“Don’t worry about it. He wants to get in trouble over you,” she said, and we both laughed again.

“How do you do it?” I asked. “How do you not care about what they think of you?”

“Only care about what someone you respect thinks about you,” she said. “Then it’s easy.”

“Tommy’s lucky to have you as a friend,” I said. “He’ll miss you when he goes off to college. I bet you’ll miss him, too, right?”

She shrugged again. “Everyone needs a little fantasy. He’s mine,” she admitted. “Don’t dare tell him.”

I hugged her. I didn’t think anyone else in this school, including Tommy, ever had.

As soon as the coach blew his whistle to end practice, Tommy ran over to us.

“Give me a chance to shower and get dressed,” he told me. “Then I’ll take you both home.”

“My mother’s picking me up,” Melina said. “We’re going to do some grocery shopping.”

“Oh. Fifteen minutes,” he told me, and ran off.

“Are you telling the truth?” I asked Melina.

“Yes,” she said. “There’s something special about Tommy. He’s hard to lie to,” she added, rising. Of course, it had to be in my imagination, but I thought she was telling me something between the lines. She looked at our untouched text problems, shook her head, and started away.

“You’re coming to my party,” I shouted after her. “Don’t worry about Karen.”

She turned and smiled.

I sat back to wait.

When Tommy came out, he paused as if he was afraid I wouldn’t be there. Then he broke into a wide smile and hurried to me.

“Well, what did you think?”

“I bet your wastebasket is ten feet from your desk at home.”

He laughed and reached for my hand. I picked up my books, which he instantly piled on his own, and we started out, some of his teammates whistling and calling to him. We headed for an exit to the parking lot.

“I was thinking of applying to UCLA. Coach thinks I might get a basketball scholarship there. A scout is showing up. It’s a great school, but I’ve also been thinking about that Southern California weather. Was it great?”

Melina’s words about not lying to Tommy were still echoing.

“I don’t think much about the weather,” I said.

“Just took it for granted, huh?”

I was silent. This is so wrong. Break it off before it starts, I thought. But when I looked at him, at the joy in his face, and felt his undisguised excitement at being with me, I couldn’t do it. Lies as tools.

“Yes, I suppose so,” I said.

He laughed and nodded at his car.

After we got in and started away, he asked me about Saddlebrook.

“I was never in it. What’s it like?”

“It’s beautiful, lots of art and vintage furniture. I didn’t see any of the grounds, really. It’s more like a family museum than a home.”

“Really?”

“If there is a party in the ballroom, you’ll be there, and you can judge for yourself.”

“You don’t sound all that excited about it, the adoption, becoming a part of all this.” He glanced at me. “Am I wrong?”

“Things are happening fast, maybe too fast.”

“Good things, though, right?”

“Too soon to tell,” I said.

It surprised him. “You came from a world in which you struggled to survive, according to all I know and heard, and you’re now in the world of great privilege, where you’ll have everything you want.”

“ ‘Everything’ is a big word. No one has everything they want. Maybe that’s good.”

His eyes widened again. “I have this question that keeps floating in my mind, Saffron.”

I didn’t want to hear it, but I saw no way not to. “Which is?”

“Who are you?” he said.

“When I find out, I’ll let you know,” I said, and he laughed.

“Hey, let’s do this little detour. Fifteen more minutes won’t matter, will it?”

“Probably not. Where?”

“Here,” he said, making a quick right down a street that eventually turned into what looked like a one-way gravel road. We turned and passed bushes and trees, and then suddenly, the lake exploded right before us. There was a clearing obviously used for cars often.

“My favorite spot on the lake,” he said. “I don’t suggest swimming, but we can walk down to the water.”

I nodded, and we got out. He took my hand, and we crossed the rest of the clearing to a path that led to a small shoreline. The lake was glistening in the late-afternoon sun as the rays threaded through trees and then danced with glitter over the water gently lapping against the sand and rocks around us. We could hear the sound of a motorboat way off toward the other end.

“My dad’s not a fisherman, but in the summer, we go water skiing. The dock’s off left there. I guess it doesn’t compare to the Pacific, huh?”

There is something about pure nature that causes it to tighten its grip on lies and deceit. I had no way to prove it or even to suggest it, but I thought lies were easier in the center of the city, surrounded by buildings and concrete. Signs and posters, lit and unlit, broadcast untruth all around you to sell products. There was nothing untrue in these surroundings, nothing false in the water, no whispers of lies in the breeze. Everything conspired to touch your heart and maybe your soul. If you concentrated, meditated, stopped thinking of tricky answers, ways to lie even to yourself, you would or could become a part of all this, even if only for a short while. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Tommy’s hand held mine tightly.

“I never saw the ocean,” I said.

His grip on my hand loosened. “What? How could that be? I mean…”

“Everything about me is complicated, Tommy. Maybe you shouldn’t get yourself too involved with me.”

He turned me around so we were face-to-face.

“There’s nothing complicated about the way I feel about you and how fast it happened. I don’t mind moving slowly, Saffron, as long as you want it. I thought you did. Have you changed your mind? Now that you’re going to be part of the wealthiest family in the county, maybe one of the wealthiest in the state?”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with it. As long as you don’t mind the mystery.”

“What could be more romantic?” he joked. Then he looked very serious and slowly brought his lips to mine. It was not only another real kiss; it was the longest kiss. I put my arms around him and my head against his chest, and we stood silently for what seemed like minutes but was probably only seconds.

“Are you all right?”

“Better get me home,” I said.

He nodded, took my hand, and walked me back to the car.

Neither of us spoke until we were back on the road heading for Ava’s house. Despite my father having married her and having another child with her, to me it would always be Ava’s house.

“So the way this works is there is a committee in charge of organizing the party after the game. They wheel in tables of food and soft drinks with hawk-eyed teachers watching to see if anyone tries to spike any, and there is music piped in. If we lose, it will still be a celebration of our getting this far. But we won’t lose.”

“Did you win the first time you played against them?”

“Yes, but only by two points.”

“Don’t lose,” I said. Not against Hurley, I wanted to say.

“Okay, boss.”

He laughed, and we turned down the road to Ava’s house.

“See you tomorrow,” he said after we stopped in the driveway. “And especially at the game. Every basket I make will have your name on it.”

He leaned over to give me a kiss, and then I got out and watched him back out of the driveway. Ava stepped out of the formal living room when I entered the house and started for the stairway.

“Where have you been?”

“What?”

“Simple question,” she said.

“I stayed after to watch basketball practice. Karen said she had already told Uncle Derick.”

“I wish someone would tell me when there are changes,” she said. “Karen is staying over at Adele’s tonight. That’s all she told me.”

“How is Garson?”

“He’s on antibiotics and sleeping in the living room,” she said. She started to turn back to it and stopped. “Your uncle is bringing home Chinese food. He said you told him you liked it, that you told him your mother and you had it often.”

I nodded. It wasn’t so hard to lie to Ava. It was harder to lie to her father.

I went upstairs.

Being with Tommy was like being able to come up for air. I tried to think of nothing else but him. How would he react when and if he knew the truth? Could he see beneath all the lies? What would he see?

I had started to change my clothes when I heard a knock on the door.

“Yes?”

Daddy opened it just enough for me to see him.

“You can’t go to school tomorrow, the day of the game,” he said. “Getting sick just before it will look suspicious. Start complaining about something after dinner.”

“How come you’re so good at this?” I asked, before he could step back and close the door.

“Good?”

“At lies as tools. Have you been doing this all your life?”

He paused.

“Ninety percent of what you hear and see out there is either half-truth, twisted truth, or an outright untruth, Saffron. Maturity means being able to handle it to your own advantage. The truth about truth is most people avoid it. In the end here, you’re not harming anyone. You’re making them happier,” he said, and closed the door.

For a while, I simply stood there, staring at it.

“What about harming yourself, Daddy?” I whispered.

I felt like he had turned me into some creature that fed only on lies. I had nearly confessed to Tommy. Another kiss, more soft words, laughs, and promises, and the dam that held back the truth might shatter. Then what? Would Daddy have been right? Would all I’d have done be to make him unhappy and drive him off?

Act ill? I didn’t think I’d have to pretend too much. When I went down to dinner, I was already feeling sick, as sick as I would have felt if I had swallowed a bubble of tar. Ava was reheating the takeout Chinese food.

“You can set the table,” she told me.

I had started to do it when Daddy came rushing in, carrying Garson in his bassinet. He had a look of terrible pain and panic on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Ava asked.

“He’s choking a lot. At one point, I thought he turned blue.”

She dropped everything and went to him.

“He feels hot,” she said. “We’d better contact Dr. Ross and tell him we’re going to the emergency room. You call. I’ll bundle him up,” she said, taking the bassinet. She looked at me. “Turn everything down. Eat what you want. Let’s go, Derick!” she said sharply.

He glanced at me and hurried out of the kitchen.

Wait! I wanted to shout after them. I’m the one who’s supposed to be sick.

I turned everything off on the stove and stood back while they got everything together and hurried out. Neither of them asked if I wanted to come along.

When the door closed and the house became empty and quiet, I realized I would never feel at home here. Judges could sign papers. Lies could be cemented. None of it could take the place of real love.

Twice I had left that behind when I boarded a train.

As I sat there, feeling dumbfounded and lost, it suddenly occurred to me that since I had been here, my father hadn’t really embraced me. The facade that he had created and I followed prevented him from being “too” affectionate. A smile, a kiss, or a hug might create a suspicion.

To keep myself from thinking too much, I cleaned up the kitchen and put away the takeout food. Then I went up to my room and, for some reason I could not explain, went to my old bag and took out the coloring book. The edges of the pages were yellowed and thin.

I reached in and took out the old box of crayons, and then I went to my desk, sat, and began to color in the remaining pages. People were walking to and fro quickly. Another train was pulling into the station.

And then, out of the darkness, the Umbrella Lady was walking toward me.