A week later the next visitor came, this time in a small sailing boat. She recognized the sailor at once. The sea frothed against Murdo’s boots as he jumped ashore.
“I’m relieved to see you again, Mama, after that terrible winter.”
“Well, I lived through it. You’re the third boat to arrive. Jeannie came first with young Kenneth. Then Captain Otter with his fair young lieutenant and …” She paused, hands on hips and frowned at him, “Don’t look at me like that. I know what you’re thinking, but my mind’s not failing. Of course, the captain came that first time two years ago, but he was back again this spring.”
“I can see your mind is as sharp as ever,” Murdo said smiling.
“And so is my tongue when needs be.”
Later as they sat down he looked toward the covered lamp brooding on the window sill.
“It’s strange to think I won’t be bringing oil for your lamp anymore.”
“Nearly twenty years I tended that light. I was still quite a young woman when I started.”
They sat silent, both absorbed in their own thoughts. Then Murdo cleared his throat, “I’ve something to show you.” He rummaged in his jacket pocket. She was alerted by the urgency in his voice, an urgency he was trying to muffle. He pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to her, but she barely glanced at it before giving it back.
“Don’t you want to look at it properly?”
“I don’t need to. The drawing of the ship tells the story. You’re going to emigrate, aren’t you?”
“Aye, Caristiona and I have spent days and nights talking about it. We’re both weary of the struggle to keep the family fed. Our neighbor has relatives out in Canada and their letters are full of how good it is out there. It was the building of the lighthouse that finally made us decide and …” he stumbled to a halt.
“The lighthouse beam shows the way to a new start. Did you think I would be upset by your news?” He nodded. “It’s never too late for a fresh start. Even for a cailleach like me.” He frowned in puzzlement. “I think I might come with you. You’re looking pale, son, and your mouth’s hanging open like a door that’s lost its hinges. I’ll fetch you a dram.” She almost skipped to the press to get the bottle. “My task here is finished. There’s no reason for me to stay.”
She handed him the glass and he tilted it in his hand, swirling the amber fluid into a storm, “I always thought that you would never leave here. Never leave them.”
She looked over his shoulder, out of the window. “I couldn’t bear it that the sea held on to their bodies. How could they have peace when they had no resting place? I knew I would never see them again in this life. The light could never guide them home, but it could warm their poor wandering souls. Then after Louis left, my heart ripped open again. It was like losing your brother a second time,” she gulped.
“Hamish, Mama, say his name.”
“Losing … Hamish again. When I first saw Louis, I thought for an instant he was Hamish come back to life. The same age, frail, a mind darting like a wagtail. I thought if only Louis stayed with me until his eighth birthday, the one Hamish never reached, he would live to become a man. Somehow would live for Hamish too.” She covered her face with her hands. “I know this was a madness in me and the fever has burnt itself out now.”
He reached over and took one of her hands, smoothing the gnarled joints with his own roughened fingers, “Come with us to Canada. It’s time to lay Hamish and Papa to rest. But …” he hesitated. “But before we go I want you to break your silence and tell me all that happened that day. When you sent Catherine and me away the night before. Did you have a vision?”
She gazed at his long face with its high cheekbones, so like his father’s, but the cool gray eyes were her own.
“No, I had no warning. Your father only decided to sail that morning.”
“He had been talking about it before though, hadn’t he? We were running low on water and there was no sign of any rain coming to fill our barrels. He promised me I could sail with him to Portree. I was so jealous when he took Hamish instead. I was the one who worked hard. Jarring my arms every time the foot plough hit a rock. But no one noticed me. Hamish the favoured one could do no wrong.” He dropped his gaze and flexed his fingers. “Afterward I was tormented by fears. Could my anger and envy have brought the storm?”
She remembered Murdo as he was then, a boy on the cusp of manhood. Scowling face and furtive eyes devouring the new, flighty maid as she went about her tasks. “I can see now I was too tender with your wee brother. But he was delicate. I didn’t want him to go on the boat that day. He was meant to go away with you two.”
“But the rascal said you told him to stay at home while we went. If you had no suspicion about what was going to happen, why did you send Catherine and me away to the Nicolsons at Dry Harbour?”
She took a long time to reply. “Your father and I fell out and there was no way we could put it right.” She struggled to pull out the words. They had rooted, unspoken for so long.
“Was it about Anna?”
Janet nodded, “But even after all these years, it wouldn’t be right to speak about it.”
Murdo waited while she stayed silent. She was reliving that day in her mind. Hamish had begged her to go out with him for a walk. It was a jewel of a winter’s day, dry and sparkling. He was on good form, no cough at all. They followed the track inland up to the pasture. Hamish skipped ahead, humming to himself. Then he stopped dead and waited for her to catch him up. “What’s that, Mama?” He pointed to where the ground dipped ahead of them.
She looked too but couldn’t make any sense of what she was seeing. A blur of movement, strewn clothes. A jacket and shirt. A patch of blue like scabious flowers. No, not in the winter.
“What are they doing?” Hamish asked.
The whirling fragments stopped spinning. She was looking at two figures, one lying down, limbs sprawled. The other sitting astride him, head flung back.
“Is it a game? Look, it’s Anna. And there’s Papa underneath. Can I go and see them?”
She couldn’t speak but she clutched at his sleeve and pulled him away, back the way they had come.
“Mama, let me go, you’re hurting me.”
She had halted, turned him toward her and loosened her grip. “Listen to me. Go find your brother and sister. Tell them that all three of you are to go to the Nicolsons in Dry Harbour. You can say your Mama’s not well.”
She could see he was shaken. His mother saying he must tell a lie. He turned back but kept looking over his shoulder. She remained, rigid as a standing stone. She had always suspected that Kenneth wasn’t a faithful husband. Doubts were only ghosts that shriveled in daylight but now she knew. Flaunting his sin on their doorstep. Soiling their home. How could he mock their loving acts? Once she had yearned for his touch. Her longing like the foam of the incoming waves licking her toes. The longing urged her to wade ever deeper among the frothing waves. Was this what it was like to be pulled under by a water horse? Not knowing who was the horse and who the rider? The swell rearing up, over, through her until she no longer knew if she was swimming or drowning. Then at the end flung back to shore, feeling the shingle slide away under her.
Now Kenneth climbed up the slope toward her, his mouth opening in a greeting, hoping she had seen nothing. But the lies died in his throat at the sight of her wild face. They howled and roared at each other like wild beasts. She couldn’t remember the words except for one jagged stone that left a bloody scar. “Every time I returned home to cold embers. A man needs a warm hearth. I had to go and find one elsewhere.”
Murdo’s voice jolted her back to the present, “I know you won’t speak ill of Papa. You said God had called him to a better place.”
“Aye, we must all answer to God when our time comes.”
“I’m asking too much of you. Don’t say any more.” He patted her hand.
She shook her head, “But I must. He’s your father and it’s wrong to keep the truth from you. After the fight we went home. Hamish was there. I was cross with him for disobeying me. He started to wheeze as he did whenever he was upset. So what could I do? I let him stay. It was such a lovely day, but its beauty mocked me. I paraded up and down the shore and the house, not knowing what to do with myself. In the end I lay down and I must have fallen asleep in spite of everything. I was shaken awake early by your father.”
“I’m sailing over to Portree to get water. Angus MacLeod’s coming with me.”
“You can take Anna with you back to her mother’s house.”
“Aye. And Hamish is coming, too.”
“I started to scream but it was no good. He carried him out to the boat and I couldn’t stop him. The wee lad was white faced and I didn’t want to distress him anymore. So I pretended a smile and waved them off. You asked me if I had a warning. I didn’t until that moment when your father turned the prow the wrong way.”
“You mean he didn’t set off sun-wise?” Murdo gasped, horror-struck. “How could he risk bringing bad fortune on them all?”
“I don’t know. Was he unheeding because he was angry or was he taunting fate? I was left trembling like a beast before the knife. I couldn’t move away from the window. After a while Margaret MacLeod came in. She’s a cousin of your father’s, of course, but a rough sort.”
“Why did you let him go out today with my man?” she shouted at me. As if I could stop him. “You know what day it is?” I looked blankly at her. “You know about Kenneth’s two brothers?”
“They were lost at sea years ago, weren’t they?” I stammered. She was scaring me.
“Aye, both in the month of February.” She came so close that flecks of spittle sprayed my face. “And both on a Tuesday. And what day of the week is it today? If anything happens to that boat, I shall curse you forever through all your generations.” Janet’s voice faltered.
“I hope you told the old witch to shut her mouth.”
“I did. But she left me even more uneasy. All morning I kept going out to look at the sky. There was a breeze from the southwest when they left. As the morning dragged itself along, the wind quickened. I told myself your father would stay in Portree if the weather turned. At midday I sat down but my belly closed itself against any food. Surely they would sail back soon? It was a short winter’s day. Two hours later there was still no sign of them. The wind was brisker now. Starting to whip up the waves, but he had found his way back through far worse. They could run ahead of the wind if they trimmed the sail.
“At last! About a mile out I saw a speck on the sea. I rubbed my eyes. I had been straining them so hard that I doubted them. But I could pick out a boat, bucking through the waves. I closed my eyes and prayed in thanks for their deliverance. When I opened them again, I saw Norman and Alistair were there standing beside me.”
“I thought I saw a boat coming,” Norman said, screwing up his eyes.
“Maybe your eyesight’s better than mine. Are they turning into the harbor, yet?”
“Aye, I think so but I don’t understand why the sail’s still up. They’re going too fast.” He sounded puzzled rather than alarmed, but it was in that minute that I knew. After time dawdling for an eternity it began to gallop. We stared out to sea, heedless of the stinging rain. The boat turned her muzzle toward the bay, but she was a runaway horse. The mast was plunging through the swell as the boat was pounded by the waves. We could see the sail straining in the wind, tearing itself to tatters.
“Why haven’t they got the sail down?” I asked.
“The tackle must have jammed. Look, you can see them trying to release it.” There were two figures struggling to stand on the wallowing deck. The boat was almost on the rocks.”
“Can you get a line across to them?” I cried, but I knew the answer. There was no chance at all. The boat was a hooked fish being dragged toward the rocks. I couldn’t bear to watch but I couldn’t look away. In my dreams, I hear them screaming but at the time the wind was shrieking too loudly to hear anything else. Then the rocks were upon them, splitting open the hull. Splinters of wood tossed into the air, but there was no sign of them. They were swallowed up as if they had never been,” her voice faded. “My only consolation was that you and Catherine weren’t there to see it.”
Janet raised her eyes to look at Murdo, tears drenching her cheeks, “All four of them drowned, including Anna who was supposed to be staying in Portree. In my bitterness I thought how your father and Anna had been punished for their sins. But why would God have allowed the other two innocent souls to die with them? I can see now that none of them deserved that cruel death.”
“So, Mama, the story has been told and the past laid to rest.”
“That can never be done. But I don’t need to keep the light shining for them any longer. I’m ready now to make a new life in Canada, but I have a few tasks to do first.”