Story 19: Whispered Words of Wisdom

Carmel Harrington

If I was a child again . . .

What a scary thought! Would I choose to go back and do it all over again if I were given the opportunity? I don’t think I would have the energy! But if I could go back for just a short visit, I would choose to go back to a time when I was a young teenage girl, on the brink of that often difficult transition from child to young woman. At fourteen years old I was terribly self-conscious and had far too many worries that were ill-warranted. I often think of the wasted time I spent as a young girl fretting about how I looked. Peer pressure came from all sorts of places, but the worst pressure came from myself. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to go back and change that? To take away that overwhelming feeling of not fitting in and being different and teach myself to look those self-critical demons squarely in the eye whenever I looked at my reflection?

If I could, here’s what I would whisper repeatedly to myself until I believed it to be true: “You are perfect exactly as you are. You are not too tall or too skinny – you are simply a beautiful young girl with a wonderful future ahead of her.”

I would then repeat several times: “And despite that moron who called you a boy recently, you do not look like a boy!”

Actually, I can still remember that moment nearly thirty years later. It was a moment that I would say most who were present at the time would not even remember, because really it wasn’t such a big deal. But back then it felt like a big deal and I’ve never forgotten it, the memory never dulling with time. This particular memory is one where a neighbour mistook me for my brother, loudly saying it in front of a large group. Okay, I was tall and, yes, I had short hair, but come on – I was a girl! Clearly he should have gone to Specsavers!

I remember that flush of embarrassment in the realisation that I had been mistaken for a boy – not for the first time either. My mortification only intensified as I heard giggles from those around me. I bravely smiled and pretended that it didn’t bother me. But it did bother me; in fact, it bothered me deeply. I cried myself to sleep that night, hating how I looked and wishing with all my might that fairy tales did exist and my Fairy Godmother would suddenly appear any minute. I knew exactly what I would wish for too: about five inches chopped off my gangly frame.

And that makes me so very sad. To think that I would have chosen to change how I look had I got the opportunity is undeniably sad. If I look at photographs of myself back then, do you know what I see now? I can see a young, pretty girl with big blue eyes and an even bigger mop of curly dark hair. I looked absolutely fine back then, but of course how you actually look and how you perceive you look are two very different things to any young person with insecurities.

So what would I teach myself if I could go back in time? I would teach myself that in this wondrous world we live in, this diversely imperfect world, it is in fact our very differences that make it so gloriously interesting. Whether we are tall, short, fat, thin, curly or straight-haired, red, brunette or blonde, we are all perfect just as we are.

How would I impart this wisdom? Wouldn’t it be amazing if I could put pen to paper and write a letter to my younger self? What if I could simply stroll to the local post office and pop a letter into a post-box marked Time Travel and whoosh, off it goes!

Here is what I would say in that letter.

Dear Carmel,

Now this is going to sound a little bit crazy, but remember that movie you watched with Fiona, Shelley and John last week that had that very cute guy Michael J Fox in it? It was called Back to the Future and you had never seen anything like that before! Well, you might want to sit down for a second because, albeit without the help of any vintage DeLorean cars or mad scientists who answer to the name of Doc, this letter you have just received has in fact been sent all the way back from 2013.

That sounds like a lifetime away, I know, and truth be told it is a lifetime away. You have so many wonderful adventures to experience, and the places you will travel to between your now and my now will blow your mind. I’m smiling just thinking about the fun that’s ahead of you! I know you must be wondering who is reaching out to you nearly three decades later and for what purpose? Well, let me introduce myself first of all: my name is Carmel Harrington. How can I put this without freaking out your fourteen-year-old mind? Okay, brace yourself, because this is Back to the Future territory. This letter is from you! Well, an older version of you as I’m now forty-two years old. I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in!

I’m trying to work out what questions you would have for me if I were actually sitting in front of you and I reckon you want to know about boys. Am I right? Yep! Thought so! So, yes, you will love and you will be loved and that guy you have a crush on? Well, he likes you too.

But I’m not here to talk about crushes, Carmel pet. I have lots I need to share with you. First, stop twisting your hair. You are doing that right now, aren’t you? You always do that when you’re nervous. That’s a habit I still haven’t managed to shift. I’ll keep working on that one! There’s nothing to be nervous about, though, as I’m just here to help. I promise.

I want to talk to you about how you look, or rather how you think you look! You are fourteen years old right now and I know that you are very self-conscious, about your height in particular. You have always been the tallest girl in the class and you hate having that particular tag, as you are also very shy. You try so hard to fade into the background, but that’s a bit of a tall order (sorry, terrible pun I know!).

Let’s see if I can reassure you about something first of all. I know that late at night, when you can’t sleep, that extremely over-active imagination of yours goes wild and you often fret that you will continue to grow and grow until one day you are over seven feet tall. You have already imagined the national headlines: Wexford Giant in Guinness Book of Records.

Relax – you have pretty much stopped growing now. You will reach the dizzying heights of five foot ten by the time you are fifteen and then that’s pretty much it. Relieved? Good!

I know that right now it feels like you will always be this lanky, skinny girl who gets mistaken for a boy far too often. Here’s a little bit of free advice from your older and wiser self: the short hair doesn’t help, pet, so maybe let it grow again. And trust me when I say that pretty soon it will be impossible that you will be mistaken for a boy. Change is afoot. Or abreast so to speak! Ahem!

I also know that there are nights that you cry yourself to sleep because you are so self-conscious and feel so different to all the other seemingly perfect, petite girls in your class. Why is it that you never tell anyone how you feel? You have always bottled up all your insecurities inside, with the occasional confession in your journal. Carmel, it’s not a sign of weakness to share with others how you feel. It is, in fact, a sign of great strength. Don’t be afraid to let others in.

Here’s the thing, pet, you are wasting far too much time worrying about something that you have no control over (you can’t change genetics). More importantly, you have no need to worry about your height. You are beautiful, just as you are. I’ll say that again, because I know that you have thrown your eyes up to the heavens in immediate disbelief when you read that sentence.

You are beautiful, just as you are.

Here’s the thing, did you know that you are not the only girl who hates putting on her gym gear in the communal changing rooms? In that room that makes you break out in hives every time you go into it, nearly everyone else has a hang-up about how they look too. They believe themselves to be too short, too fat, too thin, too ugly or too tall. It is unlikely that anyone in the group thinks that they are perfect.

I’d love to visit that locker room and ask all of your friends and classmates to sit down in a circle, facing each other. I would then ask everyone there to be brutally honest and to place in the centre of the circle all of their own particular insecurities about how they look. And I reckon that you and your classmates would be completely shell-shocked to hear how many of you are plagued with self-doubt.

And listen to this, as it’s going to make your head spin. Do you know that many of those same girls you have envied for years, those girls with the lovely curves and petite frames, in turn envy you? The girls with beautiful curves feel that they are too fat and look at your skinny frame and wish they could be the same. And the small girls, that you think are so perfectly pint-sized, in turn wish they were as tall as you as they are fed up being thought of as much younger than they actually are. Crazy, huh? I know you don’t believe me, but I know this to be true. How do I know? Well, I’m still friends with some of your classmates now. Like me, they are now older and wiser and they have shared with me how they felt as teenagers.

So my point is, Carmel, everyone has a different definition of what they think is perfect. It’s tough being fourteen years old and much easier to think there is something wrong with you than right with you but, honestly, you are going to be just fine. All five foot ten of you!

Do me a favour though – please try to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about you and start believing in you.

Yes, you are tall. Facts are facts and you will continue to be among the tallest of the girls in your circle throughout your life. Is that such a bad thing though? Think about it for a second: isn’t it kind of wonderful to be tall?

As you get older and make your way around the world, you will soon see that height loses its significance very quickly. What’s far more important is being a good person, a kind person, someone who can make a difference to others and the world. So shoulders back, stand up proud and straight, and work on being the very best version of you that you can possibly be.

Remember, you are beautiful just as you are.

Keep dreaming (and writing!)

Lots of love,

Carmel x

Carmel Harrington is the bestselling author of the award-winning eBook Beyond Grace’s Rainbow, published by the HarperCollins digital imprint, HarperImpulse. She is also a popular freelance writer and a regular contributor to a number of magazines. She also loves playwriting and her first play A Dunganstown Romance was staged in 2013 by the New Line Theatre. Her second novel Sleep of Dreams is now completed and will be published later this year and she is currently working on a sequel to Beyond Grace’s Rainbow. Married to Roger with two small children Amelia and Nate, she lives in Wexford, Ireland, where life is pretty idyllic, full of stories, songs, hide-and-seek, Mickey Mouse, walks on the beach, tickles, kisses, chocolate treats and most of all love. For more information please find her at www.carmelharrington.com.