14

take heart

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

—e.e. cummings

Julie’s dreams are finally coming true.

She thought she’d be married a long time ago. Keeping her hope alive and continuing to trust God with her desires had proven to be quite the difficult task. Through years of aching, Julie’s soul had been crafted into a display of splendor in the hand of her God. As she continued to seek after Jesus in holy and sometimes circuitous pursuit, he did not assuage her desire for marriage but deepened it. Some days, some months, it seemed too much to bear. Julie’s heart is a beautiful one. Her journey into becoming her truer self is not a straight one. The wonder of God’s unfolding story of her life is a holy one. Julie chose to stay awake to her desire and alive to her sometimes doubt-filled heart, and in his perfect timing (which often seems a tad bit late), God brought her man.

Since then, Julie has discovered that though her husband is the love of her life, the truest gift came through knowing Jesus more deeply in the tending of her heart. Jesus remains the Love (capital L) of Julie’s life. Because of that, she is safe to become her true self, and in that she is loving her husband well. She recently wrote: “I am more myself than I have ever been, and I am so happy.”

Of course. The two go hand in hand.

We will never be happy as long as we are trying to live apart from ourselves or in disregard of ourselves, our hearts, our desires, our ache. Though happiness is never the highest goal, it comes to us naturally when the other aspects of our lives are in order. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matt. 6:33 KJV).

Love is always the highest goal. Love of God, of others, and of ourselves: the woman God has created us to be. We don’t want to live in spite of ourselves, but we want to embrace ourselves, owning the multifaceted mysterious women we are and the unique way we bring Jesus to the world.

You are the only you there has ever been or ever will be.

God made you you on purpose. Now. For a reason.

The world does not need yet another woman who despises the lovely creation that she is. God does not long for another woman who rejects herself and, by extension, him. The world needs a woman who is thankful for how God has made her, trusts that he is transforming her, and actually enjoys who she is. It’s a good thing to like who you are. God likes you! We get to like ourselves too! When you like yourself, you are free to enjoy others, and in your presence people experience an invitation to become and enjoy who they truly are as well.

Life begets life. Joy begets joy. Becoming begets becoming.

Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.

—St. Catherine of Siena

when we haven’t the strength

The Broadmoor Hotel is a five-star luxury resort that sits at the base of Pikes Peak with a lovely lake at its center and, yes, swans floating on that lake. The Broadmoor is elegant, old, and expensive. And I was going there for dinner. What to wear?

I wasn’t going for a romantic dinner with my husband but to a work-related one. It was to be a gathering of about twenty-five people whom my husband either worked with or for and whom I very much wanted to impress. I was going to need to sit up straight and mind my manners. I was nervous.

The dinner was held in a small room on the very top floor off the Penrose Room, about as classy as Colorado can get. A long table was in the center of the room, and as John and I arrived, people began to take their seats. Waiters stood at the ready. Two empty chairs remained on either side at the end of the table, right next to the highest-ranking person in the room. My mother taught me how to behave. I can do this! I told myself.

Greetings were exchanged, and then I sat down. Instantly, the beautifully carved chair broke under my weight. Loudly. Cruelly. Miraculously, I caught myself before sprawling on the ground on top of the splintered wood. Waiters were there in a moment, apologizing profusely for the faulty chair and making sure I was all right.

What a beginning.

Somehow, I managed to not slide completely into the abyss of shame and stayed somewhat present in the evening and with the people around me. I tried to be lively, engaging, and funny, hiding how mortified I was with conversation. (But with such an inauspicious start, I will tell you that the evening did not go well. Chair or no chair, we never supped with that group again.)

People often hide their embarrassment behind humor. The chubby girl becomes the funny girl. The darling with the bad skin is very good at sports, and the skinny one who is never asked to a dance excels in her courses. Sometimes we need to hide. Sometimes bearing the weight of the sorrow in the moment would prevent us from being able to take our next breath. But hiding simply keeps us hidden. Our hearts, when buried beneath shame and dashed hopes, cannot rise, and Cinderella never gets out of the cinders. To be women who are alive and engaged with their world, we cannot remain hidden, but sometimes we just don’t possess the strength to push out of the cellar by ourselves.

The wonderful thing is, we are not by ourselves. Ever.

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5) is a promise of faithful relationship from a faithful God who has never and will never leave us on our own. Jesus held my embarrassed heart as I stood there waiting for a new (and hopefully stronger) chair to be brought to me. He stands today between me and the endless accusations coming my way. He fights for me. He fights for you. In the game of hide-and-seek, he is ever and always the Seeker. In the wounding of life, he is always the Healer.

For me to continue on the journey of becoming myself, I need him to find me where I am still hiding. I need him to strengthen me when I am too weak to believe. I need him to kiss me awake in the places of my heart where I remain asleep. I need him to breathe his fiery love into the chambers within that are frozen by fear. I need him to hold my hope and tend my heart and tell me once again who I am. I cannot do this alone, and neither can you.

Thank goodness we are not alone.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day. (Ps. 46:5)

receiving a vision of yourself

About twenty years ago, I was at church and in a very low place. I felt hideously ugly. I was telling myself that I looked like Jabba the Hutt. (Not very nice words to say to oneself—remember the power of naming things.) Kneeling in prayer, I asked God, “How do you see me?” In my sanctified imagination, I immediately saw a woman kneeling. The sun filtering through the window framed her in a golden beam of light. She was wearing a lovely fitted white satin dress. Her hair was softly yet ornately done up with seed pearls in it. She was beautiful, a bride clearly held in the gaze of her God.

He saw me then as beautiful. He sees me now as beautiful.

When God looks at his daughter—me, you, any beloved one—he does not view her through the veil of her sin, the shroud of her failures, or the canopy of her past. When God looks at us, he sees us through the blood of Jesus. When God looks at you, he sees the righteousness of Jesus Christ. You are a spotless, pure, stunning bride. Oh, how we need to see ourselves as he does! Both who we are in this moment and the woman he is forming in us.

We need to ask God for a more radiant picture of Him and a more brilliant picture of ourselves.

—Graham Cooke

Who do you think you are? Who are you on the road to becoming? Do you have a vision of who you could become? How does God see you? What is his vision of who you are to become? It’s vital that we ask him that question. And then wait for his answer.

Having a vision of who you are becoming informs your present. We live today knowing who we are going to be tomorrow. Knowing who you are becoming puts hope in your heart and a spring in your step. The key is to choose to believe we are who God says we are. And then rest in the knowledge that God is the one responsible for our transformation. We lean into him. We will fail. He will not.

So ask him. How do you see me, God? Please give me your vision of the woman I am to become. And then write it down. Write down what you hear from God or merely what, by faith, you choose to believe is becoming true for you because you want it.

Here is something I wrote in my journal in 2007:

The woman I am becoming is strong, powerful, sure, unwavering, kind, honest, loving, generous, and wise. I am not waylaid by others’ false expectations and demands because I know I am the Beloved of God and I know what I am to be about. I am a Worshipper. Wife. Mother. Friend. Prayer Warrior. Truth Teller. Writer. Conference Speaker. And that is awesome and enough.

I don’t have to question or prove my value or worth because God has proven my worth and says I am priceless, precious, and invaluable … every moment of every single day.

The woman I am becoming is not bound to food or any other false god or false comforter. I am free of shame. I am healthy, beautiful, fresh, and happy. I have energy. My heart is centered in the heart of God. I love my life, and I like who I am.

There is power released when I pray because I pray the will of God, wielding my God-given authority in Christ. I do the work God ordained for me to do—setting people free from bondage and darkness and releasing hearts to the love of God. I bring Jesus’s healing. I am a merciful, lovely, Holy Spirit–filled woman who laughs freely and often.

I am not that woman fully. Yet. But I am becoming that woman. I am more her now than I was in 2007 when I wrote this. Writing it down helped me embrace the vision, accept it, believe it, and move toward it. Who are you becoming?

To become our true selves will require not only that we trust God more deeply but also that we are willing to take what we may feel are enormous risks. We will need to risk believing that what God has said about us is true.

We must risk being more beautiful, more powerful, more loved, more loving, more involved, more intimate, more connected, more glorious, and more gifted than we thought we ever could be.

We must risk believing we are worth loving, fighting for, protecting, and cherishing. God has revealed the truth to us through his Word. You want to know what he thinks about you? Open up the Bible. Camp out in Ephesians 1 for a few months! God has revealed himself to us through his Son, Jesus Christ. Want to know what God is like? Look at Jesus. He is the face of God. (To know what Jesus is really like, read Beautiful Outlaw. I cannot recommend it strongly enough!)

God has revealed himself to us and ourselves to us. Now we must flex our muscles of faith and choose to believe him in the moments when we are experiencing it and when we are not.

Becoming ourselves requires standing against the world’s current—the demands, the expectations, the assault of daily realities, and our own histories. We cannot afford to indulge in our inner diatribes any longer. To become true ourselves will require that we speak the truth in love, even to ourselves.

courage

Promise me you’ll always remember—you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

—Christopher Robin to Pooh

To risk anything requires that we possess the courage to risk it. Jesus says, “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Some versions translate “take heart” as “be of good courage.” Courage is from the Old French word cor, meaning “heart.” Take heart. Have courage. “Because of me,” Jesus said, “you can do this.”

Jesus knows that continuing to become ourselves will take mighty courage! There is a reason we shrank back years ago from our hearts, from love, from our dreams, from our vulnerability. But, friend, the days of shrinking back need to be over. With mercy in his eyes, God calls us to be women of courage:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Josh. 1:9 NIV 2011)

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Do not give way to fear. (1 Peter 3:6)

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. (1 Cor. 16:13 NIV 2011)

We live in a world filled with beauty and wonder, adventure and laughter, but also too often filled with difficulty, fear, danger, and pain. Courage is the quality of spirit that enables one to face danger, pain, difficulty, or fear with confidence. We can have confidence! Not based on our own ability to manage life but based on the faithfulness of Jesus. Confidence is from the Latin words con and fide, which mean “with faith.” Our confidence rests in the strength and goodness of God. Living a life of courage is not about striving to become something or someone else. It is resting by faith in the God who says, I have called you, and I will do it! (1 Thess. 5:24).

To become ourselves, we let ourselves be immersed in the love of God. Drink from his mercy. Live in his grace. See ourselves through his eyes. Receiving his life is the only way for us to live the life we all so long to live. On our own, we simply can’t pull this life off. I can find my way to the freeway, but I can’t find my way to freedom. I can barely pull off an evening; forget about a lifetime. So what is the big secret to living with courage and becoming the woman God created you to be? I’ll tell you.

The secret is you can’t. You can’t. But Jesus can. Christ in you can. He is the secret! There is nothing that makes God tremble. Jesus who died on the cross for you entered into the worst nightmare imaginable and demanded that Satan hand over the keys to hell. Jesus rose triumphantly and is seated at the right hand of God. This same Jesus:

Calmed the storm and walked on the water

Healed the leper and fed the thousands

Gave sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, and life to the dead

Cleared the temple and received the children

Rebuked the Pharisees, forgave sinners, and cast out demons

And he is still doing it. Jesus is alive today and living his life through you. Remember, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me” (Gal. 2:20). Paul says the whole mystery of the gospel comes down to this: “Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27).

Christ is your life and your breath and your hope and your courage. In him you live and breathe and have your being. And apart from him, you can do nothing (John 15:5). But once you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, received his death in your place, received his forgiveness for your sins, invited him to take his rightful place and rule your heart, you will never be apart from Christ again.

You are in the palm of his hand, and nothing can take you out. That’s the secret to becoming ourselves! We increasingly lean on Jesus, calling on him to live his life through us. And as he does, we are transformed into the very image of God. We discover the brilliant truth that the more his we become, the more ourselves we become.

The more we know Jesus as he really is, the more we love him. The more we love him, the more our lives are transformed. You are beautiful, and your beauty is increasing. It’s growing. Really! We are courageous women of God and becoming more so!

He is the one who gives us the confidence to become. He will give you courage as he lives his life through you. He will give you the courage:

To press in to God

To believe

To keep your heart alive

To trust him in the face of immense brokenness and suffering in the world

To face your fears and ask for healing again

He will give you the courage:

To answer the phone

To walk into the room

To have the conversation

To stand up against injustice

To get back up

To believe that what he says about us is true: we are not defined by our addictions, our sins, our failures, our histories, or other peoples’ opinions

To know he is Love

Most messages for women take a wrong turn in one of two directions. However subtle they may try to be, one style of message is always some version of Get Your Act Together. Be more disciplined, more faithful, more humble, more whatever. All the pressure winds up back on us. But no, no, no! Jesus is your life, your strength, your healer; it is the life of Jesus in you, restoring you, that allows you to live as the woman you were made to be. He is your courage.

The other camp takes the direction of It Isn’t About You. Just serve, just obey God, just set your desires aside, because that’s what holy women do. It can sound biblical because it exalts Jesus, but it ends up crushing women. He made you on purpose; he is fully committed to restoring you. Of course you matter—what did Jesus die for if not you? This journey we are on isn’t about tossing ourselves into a ditch in the name of holiness; it is about becoming the woman God made us to be.

What we look at, we move toward. When you are learning to drive a car, you are told, “Keep your eyes on the road!” Likewise, when you are riding a horse, the direction you are looking is the direction the horse will take you. What you are looking at becomes what you are aiming at. It is the same with our thought life. Our transformation takes the form of what has captured our attention.

Our attention becomes our intention.

And I know it can be really hard sometimes, this life of ours. Days come when I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers up over my head. I want to disconnect my phone and take a break from my life. And there are days when I do just that. For a bit. That’s actually a good thing. There are seasons when I need to retreat so that afterward I can advance.

Now I know that if I don’t want to get out of bed for a week and I’m not sick, there’s something else going on inside that needs attending to. But every now and again, pulling away to tend our weary hearts and bodies is necessary. We are not in a sprint here. Our lives are a marathon, and in order to run the race set before us, we’re going to need to pace ourselves. The only possible way to live is to keep our gaze on Jesus, depend on him, follow him, and have him carry us and all that we carry.

Sometimes life is ruthlessly painful, but Jesus tells us to press on. Hebrews 10:39 says, “We do not belong to those who shrink back” (NIV 2011). Yes, we may need to retreat for a bit, but by the grace of God, we will not shrink back. We will continue moving forward, bringing the kingdom of God to bear on the desperate world around us and becoming ever more our true selves.

Dear one, you will not be able to do it perfectly. But Jesus has and will. Because of Jesus, you can fight well. Plan well. Pray well. Listen well. Live well. Serve well. Love well. Become well. One day, Christ will tell you your story, and you will be amazed at the glory, the beauty, the redemption, and the presence of Jesus throughout your life in ways you can’t even now imagine.

My twelve-year-old friend Delaney has painted my toenails green. They are, besides my heart, the youngest thing about me. I point them up at the clear Colorado sky as I prop my feet on the rail and lean back in my chair. I am drinking in the beauty of a summer in full bloom. I feel so happy. A laugh rises up from my belly, and I let it loose, knowing that truly I can, like the woman in Proverbs 31, laugh at the future. I know winter will come again. And again. I know that there are seasons ahead for me when the landscape of my soul may freeze once more and appear dead. But I am not afraid of what is to come. I have read the last chapter of the Book. I know that Jesus has won the victory. My victory. I know that he has come for me and continues to come for me and that when my story is told, I will be smiling.

He beckons me onward. He beckons me upward. I’ve answered him yes. I will have a thousand opportunities to answer him yes again this very month. So will you.

Come on, my sister. Let’s go together. Let’s press on to the goal that is set before us—to become fully transformed, fully alive, fully ourselves, fully his.