Genesis 1
In the beginning was the singularity, and the singularity was infinitely dense and infinitely hot,
And the singularity expanded and the singularity cooled and there was chaos,
And of the primeval atom was born the Universe.
And the Universe was matter and antimatter, and baryogenesis was violated and matter annihilated antimatter until only matter remained,
And matter resolved into hydrogen, and after hydrogen came helium and deuterium and all elements,
And with elements came mass and with mass came gravity,
And gravity caused gas clouds to form into stars and planets and moons,
And gravity caused planets to revolve around stars, and moons around planets,
And on some planets the elements manifested as water and as earth, and there were seas and lands and atmosphere,
And the orbit of planets cast days and nights and the orbit of moons pulled tides, and of the imperfection of orbits sprung seasons,
And of the chemistry on one particular planet, and maybe others also, came nucleic acids, and nucleic acids were good.
Now nucleic acids were unlike other molecules, and nucleic acids were loosely replicable,
And in the disorder and the richness on the earth the nucleic acids became numerous,
And the nucleic acids all were different.
And of the chemistry also came proteins and proteins too were unlike other molecules,
And some proteins encased and some protected and some catalysed nucleic acids, and it was good.
And from the proteins and the nucleic acids and the symbiosis thereof was borne life.
And each life needed raw material to replicate, and those with most raw material became most common,
And as time passed and generations of lifes came and went simplifications and complexities arose by chance,
And some garnered more raw material and some garnered less and the fittest survived.
And in time life begat ur-cells and those ur-cells lived and replicated and evolved through luck and circumstances,
And of those ur-cells came photoynthesisers and fungi and algae and all sorts,
And by the same force multiple celled constructs arose and flourished and in time all forms of squirming masses and photosynthesisers.
And so in time from the first nucleic acid came animals that lived on the land and those that lived in the air, and plants that lived in the sea and plants that lived on the land, and all forms of complications and devices permitted.
But as the lifes thrived a terrible event did come to pass, and ninety-five of every hundred of the species of creatures then alive were destroyed.
But the squirming masses and photosynthesisers did recover, and the ecosystem did rebuild, and the dinosaurs did have dominion.
And as the climate shifted and niches moved, birds and mammals and grass did evolve and dinosaurs extinguished.
And of the multitude did emerge an ur-hominid, whose seed would come to have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that moveth.
Genesis 2
And in Eden, at the head of the Euphrates, grew plants and trees with abundant food,
And the ur-hominid gathered the fruits of the garden, and the ur-hominid ate what he wished.
But there were plants he did not wish to eat; the tree of the knowledge of good and evil he did not touch,
For the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was known to poison and to void the primitive mind of the ur-hominid.
And the ur-hominid learned to communicate with his brethren and to name the beasts and the herbs,
And the ur-hominid learned to fashion herbs and bones and rocks according to his needs,
And the ur-hominid used his tools and his tongue to great effect and his dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over the grasses and trees and herbs and every living thing that moveth increased,
And the ur-hominid learned to shape his world according to his thoughts,
And from the ur-hominid came a hominid, and it was good.
And it came to pass that the hominid dwelled together with his mate and together they gathered the fruits and hunted the beasts of the garden, and raised their offspring,
And the hominid thought the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was poison, for his forebears had suffered from it and his forebears had spoken of it.
And his mate knew of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and his mate thought that surely it would poison her.
Genesis 3
And as the hominid learned to shape his world, so the world shaped the hominid,
And it came to pass one day that the female named Eve felt compelled to taste fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and to open her eyes and know of good and of evil,
And the male named Adam took the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and tried it also.
And Adam and Eve were not poisoned, and Adam and Eve’s minds were not rendered void,
And Adam and Eve saw visions and opened their eyes and their minds and knew they were alive, and naked.
And Adam and Eve enjoyed the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and thenceforth they partook of it on occasion with great ceremony and great joy,
And the ceremony and joy gave unity to the man and woman and their brethren and in unity they prospered.
And with prosperity and ceremony came wise men and rituals also,
And in time man and woman’s dominion over the creatures and the plants led to husbandry and tillage,
And man and woman together tilled the ground and kept sheep, and the innocence of days gone by was lost.
Genesis 3A
And on other rivers in other gardens ur-hominids lived and gathered the fruits and hunted the beasts.
And the ur-hominids learned to speak with his brethren and to give names to the beasts and herbs they ate,
And the ur-hominids learned to fashion herbs and bones and rocks according to their needs,
And the ur-hominids used their tools and their tongues to great effect and their dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over the grasses and trees and herbs and over every living thing that groweth increased,
And the ur-hominids learned to shape their world according to their thoughts,
And from the ur-hominids came hominids, and it was good.
But in those other gardens on those other rivers there was no tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and those hominids kept their innocence and their minds held closed and there was no ceremony, no joy and no unity.
And they did not prosper, and it was not good.
Genesis 4
And of the original man and woman descended two distinct families,
And Cain’s family tilled the ground, and Abel’s family kept sheep, and by this division these families grew distant and rivalrous.
And they ceased to be each other’s brethren and ceased to inter-breed, and instead tribalised and speciated,
And the keepers of the sheep grew in number and in strength and the tillers of the ground were afraid.
And the tillers of the ground understood that something must be done,
And the tillers of the ground invented the doctrine of pre-emptive warfare,
And the tillers of the ground attacked and slew the keepers of the sheep and destroyed their species,
And Cain’s tillers of the land spread far and wide to dwell in all the lands then known, and no more had fear of the keepers of the sheep for genocide had been accomplished,
And there were recriminations and inquests as they knew pre-emptive war was wrong.
But the inquest proved nothing and Cain’s tillers of the land multiplied and spread across the land,
And such were the numbers of the tillers of the land and such was the success in the tilling of the land that there was surplus production,
And surplus production meant not all the people were needed for the tilling of the land,
And, lo, those skilled in making tills stuck to making tills and did learn to barter,
And those skilled in building dwellings also bartered,
And markets were established and around the markets grew settlements.
And the city Enoch was founded, and in the unity and the excess of the city,
And in the happiness of peace after the killing of the keepers of the sheep, the tillers of the land turned their minds and hands to learning.
And the people of Enoch wished to improve their lives and the people of Enoch had surplus time and energy,
And the people of Enoch used their time and energy wisely and from the city of Enoch came forth great novelty and invention,
And as the city of Enoch grew, the keepers of the cattle were compelled to roam further for feed,
And the keepers of the cattle needed mobile shelter from the desert,
And of that need tents were formed.
And the people of Enoch roamed the land and grazed their cattle,
And the people of Enoch sat at campfires and gazed at stars and told tales and sang songs,
And the people of Enoch plucked at their bows and whistled into cups,
And in time the harp and the organ were fashioned.
And the jewellers of Enoch beat gold and silver, and that was good for decoration but not much else,
And the potters of Enoch found that green stone turned to metal in furnaces, and copper was its colour and from copper blades could be forged,
And with impurities in copper came bronze, and bronze was good also,
And then came iron, and iron was better for iron held its edge.
And such was the beginning of civilisation, and the children of Cain’s tillers of the land were many and passed their days in learning and in study.
Genesis 5
And there came a third tribe, descended from Seth, and Seth’s offspring were many and they also passed their days in learning and in study.
Genesis 6
And in time the renewal of the seasons was known to be the passing of a year and each year was known to be one year, and a second year made two years, a third made three and so forth,
And where once it was believed that man could live nine hundred years, life was recorded as only one hundred and twenty years,
And the ones and twos and threes became arithmetic, and arithmetic was studied.
And using arithmetic men built ever larger tents and dwellings,
And out of brass and iron men fashioned ever more wondrous tools and ever more complex artifices,
And with these artifices men took pitch from the ground and trees from the woods and made dwellings that floated upon the seas.
And men used their artifices and their learning to outdo each other in resplendence and in beauty,
And men’s tents and sea-dwellings and artifices became ever more mighty and more beautiful.
And in their leisure men desired distraction and amazement,
And men enjoyed the exotic,
And men caught animals and kept them as spectacles,
And men built menageries and aviaries.
And one of the children of Seth, by name of Noah, was something of a braggart,
And Noah set out to make the largest sea-dwelling known,
And Noah set out to make his sea-dwelling one of finery and of beauty,
And Noah took gopher wood for his sea-dwelling,
And Noah took pitch for his sea-dwelling.
And Noah’s sea-dwelling was as grand as he could imagine,
And Noah’s sea-dwelling was five hundred feet long and eighty feet wide and fifty feet tall,
And Noah’s sea-dwelling was three stories inside and many rooms.
And Noah wished to house a menagerie in his sea-dwelling for his sea-dwelling was to be the greatest in all the land,
And Noah collected a pair of each of the animals of which he knew and housed them in his sea-dwelling,
And Noah’s sea-dwelling was bedazzling and a wonder of its time, and the neighbours were impressed.
Genesis 7
And men bickered and fought and intrigued and built and learnt,
And in this fashion the civilisation continued on its path,
Until it came to pass that the civilisation was destroyed by water.
It was said that the fountains of the great deep were broken up and the windows of the heavens opened,
And it could be that the waters of the Mediterranean breached a sill,
Or the waters of the Mediterranean or of the Indian Ocean rose up,
But for sure it seems a terrible rain did fall.
And it so happened that Noah had invited Shem and Japheth and Ham and their wives to tour his sea-dwelling,
And the party was on the sea-dwelling when the waters of the flood arrived,
And there was much excitement as the sea-dwelling floated, and gloating at neighbours’ misfortune.
And the rain fell forty days and forty nights,
And the land was flooded,
And the waters covered land as far as could be seen and all the budding civilisation was washed away,
And remnants of the civilisation known to Noah floated on the waters,
And the debris of the destruction was awful to behold.
And gloating turned to shame and shame to horror and despair.
But Noah’s sea-dwelling floated well,
And Noah’s sea-dwelling kept the waters out,
And Noah and Shem and Japheth and Ham did play many games of cards, and the families played charades.
Genesis 8
And the waters prevailed upon the earth one hundred and fifty days and longer,
And the sea-dwelling became an awful place to be,
And food became scarce and drinking water also.
And the chickens did stop laying, and the cows did stop milking,
And all around was desolation.
But Noah and his family caught fish to eat, and ate it raw,
And Noah and his family caught seaweed for the animals, and ate it also,
And Noah and his family fed animals to animals, and also ate,
And Noah and his family bled animals, and drank the blood,
And Noah and his family cut meat from animals alive, and ate.
And the waters abated little by little, and as survival beckoned the sea-dwelling felt more ark than prison,
And birds released from Noah’s aviary kindled hope, returning with nestbuilding sprigs, And in time the ark came to rest in the mountains of Ararat, and Noah rejoiced,
But the mountains of Ararat held nothing for Noah and his survivors, and they were despondent,
And the waters abated further,
And the ark kept floating on the waters.
And in time the earth dried and the ark did rest upon the earth,
And Noah and the children and the beasts and the fowls once more walked upon the earth.
Genesis 9
And Noah thought of the destruction,
And Noah recalled the bodies in the water, and the stench in the air,
And he knew it was over and Noah had survived,
And Noah felt special and Noah felt chosen.
And Noah knew all the land he could see was his,
And Noah knew his task was to rebuild the life lost,
And Noah wished to rebuild it not the way it had been, for in his reverie Noah knew the way of men had been wrong,
And Noah knew he had survived the flood by wrongs.
And Noah knew that laws must be adopted, and standards created,
And Noah decreed that no more was meat to be cut from live animals,
And no more was animal blood to be drunk.
And Noah decreed that any man who killed another would himself be killed,
And that any animal that killed a man would be killed,
And that any man who killed himself would be cursed.
And it came to pass that by Noah’s laws his children were not as savage as had been the children of Seth.
And Noah pondered his luck and thanked his lucky stars and gazed at the sky, and Noah saw beautiful colours in the sky,
And Noah, though he knew it not, saw the light of the sun shining on the droplets of water in the cloud,
And the light of the sun was refracted on entering the droplet and reflected and refracted once more,
And the light emerged in resplendent colours as a bow in the cloud.
And Noah felt that the colours must mean something.
And Noah’s children were afraid of the clouds in the sky, and Noah clocked that the colours coincided with the clouds and sun,
And Noah said unto his children, Behold the bow in the cloud and fear not, for the bow in the cloud will protect us,
And the children of Noah knew no better and the children of Noah were not afraid.
And Noah dispersed his children as far and as wide as they could go, and Noah instructed them to populate and cultivate the land,
And Noah himself took a plot and kept sheep and tilled land,
And Noah’s farm grew and Noah’s flocks grew and prosperity returned.
And it came to pass that Noah discovered vines and grew himself some grapes,
And Noah adored the grape. And Noah crushed the grapes and found the juice was good,
And Noah had many grapes and much grape juice, and some he forgot about,
And when Noah found some forgotten grape juice it did smell different,
And Noah did drink it anyway,
And Noah felt unusual and Noah was amused,
And Noah drank more of the grape juice and Noah did get pissed.
And Noah felt queasy and his vision did blur and his balance did lessen,
And Noah was sick beside the door of his tent,
And Noah passed out on his bed without his clothes and without his pyjamas.
And Ham was visiting and thought it amusing,
And Ham went to his brothers Shem and Japheth and told them their father had been sick,
And Ham did tell his brothers how Noah could not stand and could not walk and could not talk,
And Ham laughed, and Shem and Japheth were horrified.
And Shem and Japheth cleared up the sick and covered their father,
And in the morning Noah hazily recalled the incident.
And Noah was not amused.
And Noah drank again the fermented grape juice and ranted and raged against his no-good son Ham and praised his pious son Shem and industrious Japheth,
And Noah beat Ham in drunken rages,
And Noah despised Ham’s son Canaan and ordered that Canaan should wait upon Shem and Japheth,
And Canaan was afraid of Noah’s drunken rages and he did so wait.
Genesis 10
And new tribes descended from the survivors of the flood,
And the tribes spread around the world.
Genesis 11
And for generations after the flood the tribes spoke the same language,
And the tribes travelled and founded cities,
And the tribes found they could make bricks and mortar,
And cities could be built faster and buildings taller than before,
And a famous tower was built at Babel.
And the cities developed and their cultures diverged,
And regional dialects devolved,
And it came to pass that the world was not of one language,
And the descendants of Ham and Shem and Japheth were different,
And the descendants of each of Ham and Shem and Japheth equally were different,
And hundreds of peoples and cultures and languages filled the earth.
And Japheth’s line spread West to be the Caucasian Scythians, Serbs, Croats, Armenians, Welsh, Picts, Irish, Germans, Turks, Slavs, Magyars, Persians, Ionians, Tabali, Georgians, Italics, Iberians, Basques, Phrygians, Meskheti, Moschoi, Illyrians, Thracians, Etruscans, Goths and Jutes.
And Ham’s line spread South to be the African Canaanites, Berbers, Toubou, Fulani, Guanches, Egyptians, Nubians, Ethiopians, Oromo, Somali and Tutsis,
And Shem’s line spread East to be the Semite Akkadians, Sumerians, Assyrians, Babylonians, Eblaites, Aramaeans, Ugarites, Ammonites, Edomites, Israelites, Moabites, Phoenicians, Sabaeans, Aksumites, Liihyanites, Thamuds, Ghassanids and Nabataeans.
Genesis 12
And Terah descendant of Shem lived in Ur, and Ur was a great city, and in Ur women could be priests, and in Ur the women priests were also hookers,
And all of Ur had gods for this and gods for that,
And the wise men of Ur knew there were no gods,
But the wise men of Ur knew the god-characters entertained the people and explained a bit of pre-history,
And the wise men of Ur knew the god-characters were a potent force for controlling the people.
And Terah’s son was Abram, and Terah’s grandson not by Abram was Lot,
And Abram’s wife was Sarai, and she also was Terah’s daughter, and this was normal at the time.
And Abram and Sarai struggled for children, and Terah thought a move might do them good,
And Terah and Abram and Lot and their wives left the desert city Ur,
And Terah and Abram and Lot and their wives moved north to Haran, where the climate was better,
And still Sarai produced no children, and this did frustrate her brother-husband, who knew not that inbreeding is no good.
And in time old Terah’s synapses ceased to fire and Abram became the boss.
And Abram was ambitious and Abram dreamed dreams of fame and fortune and numberless descendants,
And Haran was no place for the founding of a dynasty, nay, a nation,
And Abram knew he should leave Haran and move to a more propitious place,
And Abram heard the land of the Canaanites was fertile, and Abram wanted it and, Terah being dead, Abram set about it.
And Lot listened to Abram’s dreams, and Lot wanted to stick with Abram,
And Abram replied, Well, nephew, if you must.
And Abram and Lot and their families and servants moved south to the land of the Canaanites,
And in the Samarian hills Abram wished to settle, but Canaanites were already there,
And Abram recalled the curse of Ham, and so Abram ignored the Canaanites.
Now Abram had a target and a plan, and Abram pondered how to make it happen,
And Abram recognised that success would follow solidarity, and solidarity derived from belonging,
And it followed that brand identity was a must, and clan definition was de rigueur,
And Abram had a brainwave,
And Abram built an altar for sacrifice.
But Abram’s altar was unusual; Abram’s altar was not to the gods of men of Ur,
And Abram’s altar was not to the gods of men of Haran.
Abram’s altar was to Abram’s ego.
And Abram’s ego was quite something, and Abram’s ego told him he would found a great nation, and that he was the greatest, and that no ill would befall him, and that all those that helped him would prosper and those who stood in his way would be struck down,
For Abram understood that through unity came greatness, and a unity of worship would lead to greatness of people.
And thus Abram cast the first die of his new nation,
And Abram’s nation was to be in this land of the Canaanites. And Abram moved south to Bethel and built another altar, and by this device Abram hoped for lebensraum.
But it came to pass that Abram’s ego had exaggerated, and famine struck the fledgling nation,
And forced Abram to abandon Canaan and seek refuge in Egypt.
And in Egypt the Pharaoh took a fancy to Sarai,
And such were the customs that had Abram claimed Sarai as his wife the Pharaoh might have killed him,
And such were the customs that had Abram claimed Sarai as his sister a dowry would be due,
And it seemed to Abram a no-brainer that Sarai should be his sister and not his wife,
And Abram said unto the Pharaoh not that Sarai was his wife, and Abram said that Sarai was his sister, and this was indeed the half-truth,
And Sarai lived in the house of the Pharaoh, and Sarai no doubt picked up some saucy foreign customs, and Abram picked up many sheep and oxen and asses and servants and camels and gold and silver,
And such is the life of a pimp.
But the Pharaoh caught the clap from Sarai, and the Pharaoh was not stupid, and the Pharaoh sussed out that Sarai was wife as well as sister,
And the Pharaoh sent Sarai back to Abram, and Abram out of Egypt.
Genesis 13
And Abram and Lot and their wives and servants gathered up their fortunes and went unto Bethel from whence they had come.
And Abram had prospered in Egypt and Abram returned with many animals and many servants,
And Lot had also prospered and did also return with many animals and many servants.
And in Bethel lived already Canaanites and Perizzites, and there was much jostling for land and many skirmishes for grazing and disputes with neighbours,
And Abram felt Lot was cramping his plans, and Abram felt that Lot’s sheep were drinking his animals’ water and eating his animals’ grass,
And Abram felt that Lot’s children should not form part of Abram’s nation, and Abram told Lot in no uncertain terms to bugger off,
And Lot left for the cities of the plains of Jordan, and Lot loved life in Sodom,
And Abram had the land of Canaan unto himself, forgetting the Canaanites, and forgetting the Perizzites too.
And Abram’s ego once more spake and said unto him lift up thine eyes and look from the place where thou art northward and southward and eastward and westward, and ignore the peoples living here, and make it yours,
And Abram went unto Mamre and built another altar.
Genesis 14
Now Abram was only one of many patriarchs each striving for success,
And neighbouring patriarchs grouped into confederacies and went raiding for food and women and gold and silver.
And on a raid Chedorlaomer captured the king of Sodom, and Sodom with him and with Sodom, Lot and all his goods and people,
And Abram heard of his feckless nephew’s capture, and Abram spotted an opportunity,
And Abram assembled three hundred and eighteen servants and gave them blades and if no blades then sticks,
And Abram did the same with servants of his confederates,
And Abram in the dead of night rushed the camp of Chedorlaomer,
And the servants of Abram and of the confederates did rush the camp also,
And all did rush from a multitude of directions, and did strike tent poles down and make much noise,
And panic did spread in the camp of Chedorloamer and men awoke knowing not what had befallen and men awoke and ran in fear,
And Abram did chase them all to Hobah and did rescue Lot and Lot’s goods and women and much more besides.
And the king of Sodom and the king of Salem welcomed Abram back,
And the king of Salem gave Abram bread and wine, and the king of Salem had heard of Abram’s eccentricity, and the king of Salem had heard of the ego of Abram, and the king of Salem had seen the altars built by Abram,
And the king of Salem knew to ingratiate himself with Abram,
And the king of Salem announced his priestdom of the ego of Abram, and Abram was pleased,
And Abram gave the king of Salem a tenth of the plunder from Chedorloamer’s camp.
And the king of Sodom knew the rules, and the king of Sodom spake unto Abram that Abram should return the freed prisoners and Abram should keep the plunder from the camp of Chedorloamer,
And Abram was more wily, and Abram refused all plunder and all reward from the king of Sodom lest the people and the neighbours henceforth deemed the king of Sodom more important,
And Abram’s reputation spread.
Genesis 15
And Abram’s ego ran rampant once more, and Abram gazed at the stars and dreamed dreams of fame and fortune and numberless descendants,
And then Abram remembered he had no children.
And Abram was hungry and depressed and Abram killed a cow, a goat and a sheep and butchered them,
And the day was hot and the vultured offal stank in the sun,
And Abram dozed in the stench and suffered terrible dreams,
And Abram dreamt his descendants would be slaves, and Abram was disturbed.
And Abram awoke while fire flies buzzed around the stinking carcasses,
And in the dancing lights Abram’s ambition sparkled once more,
And the ambition of Abram settled from the great river of Egypt to the mighty Euphrates.
Genesis 16
And Abram knew he must have children, and Abram was frustrated,
And Sarai disgruntled spake unto Abram, Fine, fuck Hagar,
And Abram did so and Hagar, being Egyptian and unrelated to Abram, easily fell pregnant.
And Hagar was happy, and Hagar taunted Sarai by her looks and by her bearing,
And Sarai was not pleased, and Sarai made Hagar do many menial jobs,
And Sarai bitched about the varicose veins of Hagar and the stretch marks of Hagar,
And Sarai spake unto Abram about the bad behaviour of Hagar, and Sarai moaned much and often to Abram,
And Abram was loyal and a bit wet, and Abram agreed with his wife Sarai, and Sarai had power to treat Hagar as Sarai wished,
And so unpleasant was Sarai, and so hormonal was Hagar, that Hagar left her service and Hagar headed home to Egypt.
But Hagar rested at a waterhole, and Hagar had a think,
And Hagar had no money, and Hagar had no home, and Hagar was with child,
And Hagar plotted revenge through her child, and Hagar was convinced her child would be wild and kickass, and Hagar was convinced her child could cause trouble,
And Hagar turned and Hagar bit the bullet, and Hagar rejoined Abram and Sarai and bore Abram’s son Ishmael.
Genesis 17
And Abram was pleased, and Abram strutted,
And Abram decided to rebrand.
And Abram named himself Abraham,
And Abraham once again set his sights on the land of Canaan,
And Abraham wanted a trade mark to mark his clan.
And the mark of Abraham was to be permanent, and the mark of Abraham was to be painful, and the mark of Abraham was to be a commitment and a devotion,
And Abraham ruminated, and Abraham pondered,
And Hagar let Abraham know of a custom in Egypt of male genital mutilation,
And Abraham had heard it made men fertile,
And Abraham still wanted a child from his sister Sarai,
And Abraham set his heart on it. And Abraham considered Ishmael and felt a little guilty,
But Abraham shrugged, Ishmael would be fine.
And Abraham gathered all his men servants and Abraham summoned Ishmael,
And a witch doctor from Egypt removed their prepuces,
And there was much flailing, and there was much scratching and there was fainting,
And the mark of Abraham was upon his men,
And Abraham was pleased.
Genesis 18
And one day as Abraham was lounging in his tent three strangers approached,
And Abraham rose up and as was the custom Abraham washed their feet and sat them down,
And Abraham offered bread and meat and milk, and they accepted, and they ate.
And the strangers asked after Abraham’s wife Sarah (rebranded from Sarai), and Abraham confirmed that Sarah was in her tent, as was the custom,
And the conversation turned to family and Abraham confessed his lack of luck with his wife,
And the three strangers spake unto Abraham thus, Keep trying and it will happen, for they were gentle souls, and encouraging.
And Sarah heard and Sarah giggled,
And one stranger asked why she laughed, and she denied it, and another insisted,
And it was all a little uncomfortable.
So the strangers rose to leave, and Abraham accompanied them some way from his tent,
And as they walked they talked, and the talk turned to Sodom and Gomorrah, wealthy and famous bitumen cities,
And the strangers avowed that they would destroy both Sodom and Gomorrah were they in charge,
For Sodom and Gomorrah were home to rapists and sodomists and sadists.
And the men exchanged tales of Sodom,
And one spoke of the practice of giving beggars gold but refusing to sell them food,
And one related how the girl Palith gave food not gold and as punishment was smeared in honey and hung out for the bees,
And one described how guests’ limbs were stretched or chopped to fit beds in guesthouses.
Now Abraham’s nephew Lot lived in Sodom, and Abraham felt obliged to defend his blood,
And Abraham agreed a city wholly evil should be destroyed, but cavilled that a city partly good should be left to stand for good men should not suffer for the actions of bad men,
And the strangers grudgingly agreed and headed off to Sodom to party,
For Sodom and Gomorrah were home to hedonists and sensualists and sybarites.
Genesis 19
And only two of the strangers went to Sodom, and it so happened that when they arrived Lot was at the town gates, for Lot’s trade was in men and in women,
And Lot eyed them up and down and Lot liked what he saw and spake unto the strangers, Come stay with me and my virgin daughters,
And the strangers replied No, thank you, we’ll see what’s what on the street,
And Lot insisted, and Lot promised to throw some food in for free, and the strangers agreed.
And many of the people of the town of Sodom saw Lot take the strangers home,
And the strangers were comely and the people lascivious and the people wanted the strangers and the people besieged Lot’s house,
But Lot wanted the strangers also, and Lot went out to speak with the people of Sodom,
And Lot offered the people of Sodom his supposedly virgin daughters in place of the strangers,
And the people of Sodom knew he was lying, for the people of Sodom knew they were married and anyway had been offered them before.
And the people of Sodom surged forward to attack the lying Lot, and the strangers who had listened to the exchange from inside Lot’s house pulled Lot back into the house, and threw pepper powder out the doors and windows so as to repel the attacking people of Sodom,
And Lot was grateful.
And the strangers questioned unto Lot thus, Why live in Sodom?
And the strangers spake unto Lot thus, Leave Sodom forthwith for it is decadent and immoral.
Now Lot knew the people of Sodom had marked his card,
And Lot knew now that life in Sodom would be difficult, and Lot felt leaving was a good plan.
Therefore Lot went to his sons-in-law and suggested they leave, but Lot’s fun-loving sons-in-law refused for Sodom was their home.
And Lot took his daughters and his wife and left, and the strangers recommended they go to live the simple life in the mountains, but instead Lot went to visit business contacts in the city of Zoar,
And it came to pass the next day that an earthquake shook the region and the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed entirely with no trace remaining.
For Sodom and Gomorrah had been built on saturated soil pocked by pockets of methane and full with bitumen,
And it came to pass that the earthquake caused the saturated soil to liquefy to quicksand and methane gas to be released and bitumen spread all around,
And in the plain view of all around the cities did slide into the sea and the bitumen did burn and the methane did explode, and the cities were utterly destroyed in quake and in fire.
And Lot’s wife had tarried, worrying, and was caught in the Dead Sea’s burning tidal wave, and Lot’s wife was killed in salt and fire.
And Lot and his daughters arrived in Zoar, and the people of Zoar recognised Lot and the daughters of Lot, for Lot and the daughters of Lot were renowned around the area,
And the people of Zoar welcomed not Lot and the daughters of Lot, and bid them leave,
And Lot was penniless, and Lot had no animals, for all was destroyed in Sodom,
And Lot fled the city of Zoar to retreat to the mountains and to a cave.
And Lot and Lot’s daughters dwelt in the cave in the mountains, and they lived a simple life and tilled a little land, and kept a few sheep and, lo, even a little vineyard,
And the vines brought forth grapes and the grapes fermented into wine, as for Noah so it was for Lot,
And it came to pass that Lot and Lot’s daughters were supping of their wine and partaking of morsels, and talking of the old days in Sodom,
And Lot did miss the screwing and the partying, and Lot did feel pangs of homesickness,
And Lot’s daughters did fall asleep,
And Lot was bored and fell to playing with himself and was unsatisfied, and thought unto himself his daughters would better be,
And he and they were shameless and accustomed to depravity and he did wake them and take them and impregnate them.
And it came to pass that the daughter’s of Lot bore a child each, and one was named Seed of Father, or Moab, and one was named Benammi,
And from Moab were descended the Moabites, and from Benammi were descended the Ammonites, and in later times the Israelites were unpleasant to these peoples, and blamed it on their ancestral mothers’ incest.
Genesis 20
And it came to pass that the fortune of Abraham had waned, and Abraham was in need of shekels and of animals,
And it occurred to Abraham to play his wife/sister card once more,
And Abraham and Sarah travelled to Gerar, and Abimelech king of Gerar took a fancy to Sarah and he took her as his concubine, thinking Sarah was sister to Abraham,
But the truth was out and Abimelech of Gerar did find out that Sarah was wife not sister,
And Abimelech had heard of Abraham’s exploits against Chedorloamer and Abimelech was afraid, and Abimelech returned Sarah to Abraham with many animals and servants,
And Abimelech gave Sarah one thousand shekels and apologised profusely,
And Abraham moved on, rich once more.
Genesis 21
And it came to pass that Sarah fell pregnant, and Sarah gave birth to Isaac, and Abraham mutilated his son as was now his custom, and Isaac grew and was weaned, and Sarah celebrated.
Now Hagar and Sarah were not friends, for Sarah was unpleasant and Hagar had been haughty,
And Sarah wished to dispose of Hagar and her Ishmael,
And it came to pass that Ishmael and Isaac were playing and Ishmael was a little rough and Isaac cried to Sarah,
And Sarah seized the opportunity and complained to Abraham about Hagar and her son.
And Abraham was irked and Abraham did not want to get involved, but Sarah was insistent and Sarah was devilish and Sarah was after all his sister and his wife,
And it was meet and proper that Isaac should be the heir of Abraham as Isaac was his son and nephew,
Therefore Abraham gave Hagar food and water and sent her and Ishmael on their way.
And Hagar and Ishmael walked in the desert and Ishmael hunted and Hagar gathered and in time Hagar found Ishmael a wife from Egypt.
And Abimelech king of Gerar approached Abraham once more for Abraham still dwelt in Abimelech’s land,
And Abraham’s power and influence was growing,
And Abimelech was afraid of losing springs and wells,
And Abimelech could not oust Abraham through force of arms but Abimelech could restrain Abraham by treaty,
And Abimelech and Abraham signed a non-aggression pact.
Genesis 22
Now part of that pact involved cultural assimilation,
And strong local custom involved human sacrifice to local beliefs, in particular sacrifice of eldest children,
And Abimelech was concerned that Isaac lived still,
And Abraham accepted that Isaac must be burned.
So Abraham took Isaac and two servants to the mountains three days away, and Abraham and Isaac left the servants and climbed up into the steeps, with Isaac carrying his funeral wood,
And perplexed Isaac asked what they were to burn, and Abraham muttered something about finding something when they got to the site, lest Isaac did a runner.
And Abraham found a good spot for the ceremony, and set about building the pyre,
And Abraham knocked Isaac senseless and bound his legs and arms and heaved his body onto the pyre,
And Abraham unsheathed his knife and contemplated his prostrate son, his only son from Sarah.
And as Abraham contemplated, and wondered whether really, really, this was the right thing to do, a ram struggled in the undergrowth,
And Abraham could not bear to lose his Isaac,
And Abraham set his mind against the practice: Abimelech would just have to lump it,
And Abraham knew he could spin the story of the ram beautifully,
And Abraham dragged his son’s body from the pyre and replaced it with the ram, and went back to the servants and thence back home to tell the tale of Isaac’s miraculous survival and repeat the mantra that his descendants would rule the world.
Genesis 23
And Sarah died, and Abraham was sad of course,
But Abraham, being far from his ancestral home, had nowhere to bury her,
And Abraham spoke to the local landowners and asked to buy a field and a cave,
And Ephron offered him a cave for free but Abraham was too canny for that and insisted that he pay and pay he did,
And Abraham fenced his field and made sure everyone knew he had bought the field for valuable consideration, so Ephron could not renege, for Abraham was old and racist and did not trust his Canaanite neighbours,
And Sarah was buried.
Genesis 24
And Abraham felt it was time Isaac married, and Abraham called his top servant and spake thus, Here, hold my circumcised member as a guarantee of your honesty and promise me Isaac will not marry one of these Canaanites.
And Abraham commanded, Return to my ancestral land and find him a wife.
And the servant queried whether a woman would want to be brought to the land of Canaan to marry a man she had never met, but nevertheless he rather gingerly put his hand under his master’s thighs and swore he would do his best.
And the servant packed his bags and headed off to Mesopotamia where Nahor, Abraham’s brother lived,
Now Nahor had married his niece Milcah and had eight children, one of whom was Bethuel who had a daughter Rebekah,
And it was to this family that the servant went to find a wife suitably closely related for Abraham’s taste.
And the servant arrived in the city in which Nahor lived and went to the well and sat his camels down,
And thought it would be nice to find a kind girl for Isaac, one who would offer to water my camels, for example,
Then Rebekah appeared and the servant ran to see her and asked for water, and Rebekah gave him water and offered some for his camels, and the servant was delighted and gave her some bling,
And it turned out that she was Abraham’s great-niece, Isaac’s cousin, and she invited the servant to stay.
And the servant met Laban, Rebekah’s brother, and announced that he was on a mission from your very rich great-uncle Abraham and he’d like to take Rebekah back to the land of Canaan to marry cousin Isaac, only heir to Abraham,
And Laban and Bethuel couldn’t really refuse so they said, OK but can she stay ten days?
And the servant handed over more money but refused the extra time,
And Rebekah was summoned and asked if she was OK with the deal and she couldn’t really refuse either,
And off they went: bride purchase complete.
And when they arrived back in the land of Canaan Isaac happened to be out in the field and so Isaac took her by the hand to his dead mother’s tent and screwed her,
And it was all very romantic.
And Abraham took a new wife called Keturah and Keturah was unrelated to Abraham and had no problem conceiving and Keturah bore six children,
But they were of impure blood as far as Abraham was concerned so he sent them away with a sum of money each,
And gave the rest to Isaac.
And eventually Abraham gave up the ghost and Ishmael returned to help Isaac bury Abraham in the cave bought from Ephron,
And it turned out that Ishmael had twelve children with his Egyptian wife and they had spread across the land towards Assyria, each with a town and a castle,
And cousins Isaac and Rebekah had struggled for children.
But in time Rebekah fell pregnant with twins and the foetuses fought and Rebekah was uncomfortable,
And when they were born the second was grasping the first’s heel, a sign of things to come,
Jacob and Esau were their names; Esau first out, hairy, ginger and outdoorsy, he was his father’s favourite; Jacob second out, was his mother’s favourite.
And Jacob and Esau bickered and fought about who was elder,
For though Esau had been first out Jacob had been holding his heel and so perhaps neither was older, or so said Jacob,
And who was eldest mattered greatly, for his was the birthright, the land (despite it being Canaanites’), the leadership, the responsibility for Abraham’s eccentric claims,
And one day Esau was hungry and fed up and he caved in: birthright for a bowl of Jacob’s stew; it’s a deal,
And Esau wasn’t bothered, really, he never was ambitious.
And it came to pass that famine struck once more, and Isaac was forced to leave his land and live in Gerar where a new Abimelech was king,
And Isaac recalled how his father, for safety, used to pretend his wife was his sister,
And Isaac tried the same trick.
But Isaac was not canny as Abraham and Isaac was spotted romping with his ‘sister’,
And Abimelech demanded answers and Isaac confessed his cowardice and all was fine.
And as Isaac’s household grew so did the locals’ resentment,
And Isaac was gradually forced away until he reached Beersheba.
And in Beersheba Isaac recalled the dreams of his father, and felt a surge of love,
And Isaac pitched his tent and dug a well and settled down,
And Abimelech visited and signed a non-aggression pact,
And all was well.
And then Esau, ginger Esau, shattered the peace, for Esau was not into in-breeding, nor monogamy, And Esau took himself a pair of Hittite wives; Judith and Bashemath.
And Isaac and Rebekah were appalled.
Genesis 27
And when Isaac was near to death, Esau and his Hittites were excised from the family,
For Isaac sent Esau hunting promising his blessing on his return,
And when he was out Rebekah clothed Jacob in Esau’s clothes,
And Rebekah roughed Jacob’s smooth skin with goat pelt,
And Rebekah sent Jacob to Isaac to be blessed.
And Jacob did as his mother bade him,
Now, Isaac was expecting Esau,
And Isaac knew Esau had gone hunting,
And Isaac knew Jacob’s voice,
But Isaac nonetheless felt the goat pelt and smelt Esau’s clothes and Isaac blessed Jacob.
And Esau arrived home with fresh killed venison and went to his father for his blessing,
And Isaac broke the news that Jacob had taken the blessing,
And Esau raged against his cheating lying brother and demanded what exactly Isaac had given him,
And Isaac admitted he had made Jacob head of the family, with all others to serve him, and had given him the corn and the wine, and, well, pretty much everything…
And Esau begged for some crumb of comfort, and Isaac wondered what was left,
And Isaac recalled that Esau didn’t care much for family history, so he just gave him a standard blessing and promised that he need not always serve Jacob.
And Esau swore to kill Jacob, once his father was dead.
And so Rebekah thought Jacob should lie low for a while,
And Rebekah spoke to Isaac thus, These Canaanite women will ruin my life, they already have their claws in Esau and I don’t want them getting Jacob.
Genesis 28
And Isaac certainly agreed that Jacob should not marry a Canaanite, He should marry one of us,
And Jacob was sent to Haran to stay with Rebekah’s brother Laban, to seek a cousin to marry and to avoid fratricide.
And in the meantime Esau got on with his life and added two wives to his harem, and these ones happened to be family, daughters of Ishmael.
And Jacob journeyed to Haran and slept in the desert and dreamt dreams of power and glory, and the conceit of Abraham was in his veins,
And in a flash Jacob understood Abraham’s genius,
And Jacob built an altar to his granddad’s memory, and reaffirmed the family eccentricity.
Genesis 29
And Jacob arrived at Haran and went to the well, as was customary,
And Jacob chatted to the locals and asked about his family,
And the local lads pointed out Rachel, Jacob’s cousin,
Now Jacob knew who Rachel was, for Rebekah of course corresponded with her brother Laban,
And Jacob was smarmy and slippery and knew how to get his way,
And Jacob rushed to the well and opened it up for the pretty little Rachel and gave her a kiss and introduced himself as cousin Jacob, You know – Rebekah’s son.
So Rachel took Jacob back to Laban and Laban of course asked him to stay,
And Jacob did so, and Jacob being Jacob with his eyes on the prize helped out on the farm,
And Laban felt a little uncomfortable at Jacob’s hard work and asked him what he wanted,
And Jacob said, Rachel. I’ll give you seven years’ work for Rachel.
And that seemed a fair deal to Laban.
But Rachel was Laban’s younger daughter and in Haran it was not done for younger to marry before elder,
And Leah, Laban’s elder daughter, was still on the shelf when seven years were up,
And of course Laban gave Jacob Leah first,
And Jacob made a fuss but Laban shrugged, It’s unfortunate, but let Leah have her day in the sun and next week you can have Rachel too,
But the offer was not quite what it seemed,
For Jacob had to do another seven years’ service for the second.
And after all that fuss, it seems Jacob didn’t object to Leah in the slightest,
For in quick succession Leah produced Reuben, Simeon, Levi and Judah,
While Rachel bore none.
Genesis 30
And Rachel, like Sarah before her, knew she needed kids to keep her place,
And Rachel, like Sarah before her, handed over her handmaid, Bilhah,
And Bilhah had Dan and Naphtali,
And Leah took note, and served up her handmaid Zilpah,
And Jacob was happy as a pig in shit.
And Zilpah produced Gad and Asher,
And Rachel was getting desperate, desperately behind in the baby race and losing her looks to boot,
And Rachel in her depression developed something of a habit for the mandrake,
And Leah had a supply of Rachel’s Little Helper,
And Leah offered a trade: drugs for sex,
And Rachel surrendered her place in Jacob’s bed,
And the mandrake soothed the pain,
But Leah capitalised on her bought sex, producing Issachar,
Zebulun and Dinah.
And Jacob did eventually take pity on his poor drug addled erstwhile favourite,
And finally, finally, Rachel came to the party and managed little Joseph.
And in time Jacob wished to return to the land of Canaan, and
Jacob went to Laban and asked for permission to leave,
And Laban was not keen for Jacob was an excellent shepherd,
And Laban, much as he had fourteen years before, asked Jacob to stay and to name his price,
And Jacob was a bit peeved for he did not want to stay, and he complained that he had worked very bloody hard and now wanted to go home,
And Laban again asked what Jacob wanted.
And Jacob said, No it’s fine. Look, we’ll divvy up the flocks and I will keep any speckled, spotted or brown offspring and you can keep the others. Deal?
And Laban said, Deal.
So Laban divided the flocks and took all the spotted, speckled and brown ones and kept them separate, three days away.
And Jacob indulged in a little primitive genetic engineering, otherwise known as selective breeding,
And Jacob had a hypothesis that animals conceived near poplar, hazel and chestnut stakes were more likely to be speckled, spotted or brown,
So Jacob made sure the strongest animals conceived near the stakes and the weakest ones were kept away,
And it seemed to work, for Jacob’s flocks grew.
Genesis 31
But Laban’s sons were not happy, and Laban’s sons thought Jacob was thieving,
And Jacob knew his star was waning,
So Jacob called Leah and Rachel to the field and showed them how many animals he had, and explained how he had kept his side of the bargain, and how their father was simply not much of a shepherd, and that he wanted to leave,
And Leah and Rachel pointed out that their father had sold them and pissed away the proceeds, and they were more than happy to leave too.
So Jacob got everything together and, unbeknownst to Jacob, Rachel stole Laban’s family idols,
And one day when Laban was visiting distant flocks they left,
But when Laban found out they had gone Laban chased Jacob down,
And Laban pointed out that he should beat Jacob up for this affront, but Jacob was a big bugger and Laban thought the better of it.
But Laban was angry about the family idols and he demanded Jacob return them,
And Jacob denied all knowledge and said he was happy to kill anyone found in possession of them,
So Laban set to searching all through the camp and in time reached Rachel’s tent,
Now Rachel had the idols hidden in her seat,
And Rachel was not giving them up,
And Rachel would not stand up, That time of the month, Dad.
Now Jacob really was getting irritated and he demanded to know what Laban thought he was doing,
And Jacob raged that he had worked twenty years, and Laban had been an arsehole and Laban had docked his wages but Jacob had toiled in the heat of the summer and the frost of the winter and for what? For what??
And Laban calmly pointed out that he was the head of the family and all of this belonged to him: the animals, the women, the children, the servants, everything.
But Laban realised he wasn’t going to win this battle, so he proposed a truce.
And Laban and Jacob built a pile of stones to commemorate the truce, and they had a party, and all was well.
Genesis 32
And Jacob continued on his way, pondering the next obstacle in his life: Esau, brother Esau whom he so disgracefully screwed over twenty years ago,
And Jacob took a leaf from the school of opulence diplomacy and dispatched a servant to Esau to boast of his success,
But Esau was already on the road with four hundred men, and that made Jacob nervous.
So Jacob took the precaution to split his party in two, but continued with his shock and awe diplomacy,
And Jacob arranged for three waves of awesomeness to be sent to Esau,
And first went two hundred she-goats, two hundred ewes, twenty billy goats and twenty rams,
And second went thirty milking camels with their foals, forty kine and ten bulls,
And third went twenty she-asses and ten foals. And Jacob instructed the servant to announce to Esau that these were a present from Jacob to Esau, a mere trifle of his wealth, sent to indicate his goodwill.
Now Jacob was nervous not only because Esau might still want to kill him,
But Jacob was nervous because his theft was now to become real,
For ever since Jacob stole the blessing he had been in Haran, and he had been Laban’s slave, and had not gained any practical benefit from the blessing,
But it would be different in the land of Canaan, Jacob would be head of the family and it was time to make good on the theft.
And Jacob’s conscience was understandably uneasy, and an uneasy night ensued, and as he tossed and turned and dreamed and wrestled with his conscience and wrestled with Esau he managed to put his hip joint out,
And Jacob woke and took inspiration from his grandfather’s rebrand,
And Jacob became Israel.
For Jacob means ‘Cheat’ while Israel was something Jacob made up that morning and approximates to He has fought with God, the implication being that he won.
And to reinforce the point, Jacob renamed the place Peniel, or The Face of God.
And Jacob felt a bit braver about seeing Esau.
Genesis 33
And Esau arrived with his four hundred men, and Jacob lined up his women and children in order of seniority (least favourite at the front, then),
And Jacob went to meet Esau, and Esau was chuffed to bits to see his long-lost brother,
For Esau had never really cared about all that birthright blessing business,
And Esau asked what the fuss with all the animals was, and Jacob insisted Esau keep them,
And all was well.
And Jacob (for he remained Jacob, not Israel, once the danger passed) bought some land, built a house, built an altar, and settled down.
Genesis 34
And Leah’s daughter Dinah rather enjoyed their new home, and took something of a fancy to the local boys,
And Dinah and local prince Shechem got along famously and Shechem wanted to add Dinah to his harem in a more official capacity,
And Shechem asked his Dad to arrange it.
And when Jacob heard that Shechem had been banging Dinah he was not amused,
And when his sons returned from the fields they heard and were not amused,
But they listened to Shechem’s father nevertheless.
And Hamor, Shechem’s father, waxed long and lyrical about how much his son loved Dinah,
And about how it would be good for neighbourly relations to have a little inter-marriage,
And how trade would benefit,
And as a sweetener Shechem offered them as much dowry as they liked.
And Jacob and his sons conferred and announced that Shechem would have to become one of them if he were to have Dinah,
And they announced that a full clan merger could take place, with full inter-marrying rights, if Shechem and any others wanting to merge were prepared to suffer Abraham’s stamp.
And Shechem and Hamor were delighted, for Jacob and his clan were powerful and an alliance would be excellent news all round,
And Shechem and Hamor returned to their city and told the troops what the plan was, careful to extol the benefits of peace, trade and new women.
And all those who wanted to be part of the revolution met outside the city gates and were circumcised,
And Jacob and the children of Abraham appeared to be all set to abandon generations of institutional racism, generations of obsession about numberless descendants, and generations of religious eccentricity.
But Jacob’s second and third born Simeon and Levi had other ideas,
And Simeon and Levi went to the city,
And found Shechem and Hamor and the others still raw and bleeding and in tremendous pain,
And Simeon and Levi killed them,
And Simeon and Levi took their sheep, and their asses, and their goats and their crops,
And Simeon and Levi took their children to be slaves and their wives to be whores,
And Simeon and Levi burnt their houses to the ground.
And Jacob freaked out, What the fuck do you think you’re playing at? Do you know what’s going to happen now? They will come and do unto me as you have done unto them. We’re fucked. Idiots.
And Jacob decided the best plan, as ever, was to run away,
So Jacob upped sticks and went with his full entourage to Bethel,
And unnerved Jacob started calling himself Israel again,
And Israel made everyone throw away their pagan idols,
And Israel dusted down his revered grandfather’s eccentric ways,
And none of the local tribes dared revenge the atrocity.
But times were difficult for Israel,
For his beloved Rachel died giving birth to Benjamin (named Son of my Right Hand, by Israel),
And his firstborn Reuben slept with his concubine Bilhah,
And it was all a bit too much for his old dad Isaac,
And Isaac died aged an improbable 180 and was buried by Israel and Esau.
Genesis 36
And in the meantime outcast Esau was doing fine,
And Esau’s many children ruled the lands in which they dwelt,
For they were the children of local women, and were integrated into the local society.
Genesis 37
Now of Israel’s eleven children Joseph was Daddy’s favourite,
For Joseph was born in Israel’s dotage and Joseph was his eyes and ears,
And Israel had a coat made for his little boy, a coat of many colours,
And his brothers, understandably, thought he was a spoilt, sneaking brat.
And Joseph had his great-grandfather’s weakness for extravagant dreams,
And Joseph recounted his dreams to his family,
And they all thought he was a conceited little twat.
And one day the chance of revenge came to the brothers,
For Joseph was visiting them in fields far from Israel’s protective bubble,
And Joseph’s death was plotted and brothers’ alibis planned,
But Reuben was keen to curry Israel’s favour following Bilhah-gate,
And Reuben intervened, Come off it lads – he’s not that bad…Duff him up and put in a pit for a bit instead.
And they did so duff him up and put him in a pit and as they sat to eat and drink the spectre of Israel’s wrath came to them,
And they resolved to finish the job while Reuben was away,
But once again Joseph’s skin was saved, Judah his guardian this time,
And Ishmaelite traders paid twenty silver pieces for the poor beaten boy.
And Reuben returned too late,
And Reuben could never look his father in the eye again,
And the boys tore Joseph’s coloured coat and sent it sprayed with blood to Israel with a sorry tale of lions and hyenas,
And Israel wept.
Genesis 38
And Leah’s son Judah, aping Dinah, took something of a fancy to the local Canaanites,
And Judah got together with girl next door Shuah,
And Shuah bore Er, Onan and Shelah.
And Er married Tamar and then died,
And so Onan married Tamar, and then died (some say from excessive onanism),
And Shelah should have married Tamar, for that was the custom,
But Judah was by now a little wary of widow Tamar, and withheld him.
And so frustrated widow Tamar went on the game,
And in a twist of fate father-in-law Judah was her john,
And wily Tamar took Judah’s signet and bracelet in payment.
And in time widow Tamar was found pregnant and threatened with death,
But she showed Judah’s signet and bracelet,
And reminded all that Judah had withheld Tamar,
And Judah relented and let her live.
And Tamar’s twins Pharez (of whose line Jesus Christ would later spring) and Zarah were born.
Genesis 39
And poor Joseph had travelled with the traders,
And the traders sold Joseph to Potiphar in Egypt,
And Joseph was bright and rose to become overseer,
And Joseph was good-looking and wanted by Potiphar’s wife,
But he wasn’t keen,
And she was offended,
And she set him up and had him sent to jail. Oops.
But in jail talented Joseph again prospered, and received privileges as a trusted inmate.
Genesis 40
And Joseph shared jail with Pharaoh’s butler and Pharaoh’s baker,
And they each dreamed dreams needing interpretation,
And Joseph thought he’d have a crack.
And it turned out pretty easy, the butler had a lovely dream and the baker had a nightmare,
And Joseph reasoned that dreaming anticipation is generally accurate,
So Joseph told the baker he’d be killed and the butler he’d be fine,
And, lo, both things came to pass.
Genesis 41
And some time later the Pharaoh had recurrent dreams,
And the butler now in Pharaoh’s service recommended Joseph,
And Joseph was brought and told the dreams,
And again they seemed pretty clear to Joseph.
So Joseph told the Pharaoh what he thought, One day honey, one day onions; swings and roundabouts; good times and bad times; boom and bust; need I go on, sir? Your dream is a reflection of your nervousness about famine and Egypt’s lack of preparedness for such an eventuality.
And Pharaoh was chuffed that someone had finally told him the truth,
And promoted him to Number 2 ahead of the yes men, which Joseph was chuffed with.
And called him Zaphnathpaaneah, which Joseph wasn’t so chuffed with.
And at the grand old age of thirty Rachel’s late effort was second in charge of Egypt, busy busy collecting grain by tax and sons by wife Asenath, pagan daughter of pagan priest Potipherah.
And when famine arrived Zaphnathpaaneah ran the dole.
Genesis 42
And in Canaan also there was famine and Jacob’s boys (except Rachel’s son Benjamin) went to Egypt for grain,
And Joseph spotted them and remembering his childhood dreams thought he’d mess with their heads a bit.
So Joseph accused them of being spies and Joseph locked them up,
And Joseph noticed Benjamin’s absence and guessed the likely explanation,
And Joseph demanded to see Benjamin,
And Joseph took Simeon hostage as collateral,
And the brothers returned to Canaan to collect Benjamin But doting Israel refused to allow Benjamin out of his sight,
And, lo, Simeon was left to rot in an Egyptian jail.
Genesis 43
But the bought grain ran out and another trip to Egypt loomed,
And Judah made Israel understand, No Benjamin, no food. And off they went to see Joseph, darling Benjamin in tow.
And Joseph was super-nice and gave them food and Simeon and wined and dined them, Hebrews and Egyptians and Joseph each sitting separately, as was the custom.
Genesis 44
But superniceness did not last long past their release,
For Joseph secreted money and his silver drinking cup in Benjamin’s sack.
And soldiers did catch the boys and bring them to Joseph to beg,
And Joseph commanded, He who nicked my cup shall be my servant, the rest of you can go.
But Judah’s neck was on the line for Benjamin,
And Judah translated Benjamin as Son of my Right Hand and told of how great had been the father’s love for the mother and still was for the boy,
And Judah in sorrow and in remorse told how the first born of Rachel was no longer with Israel and how old Israel would suffer should Benjamin be taken also.
And Judah sacrificed himself.
Genesis 45
And Joseph could take the pressure no more, and he sent his servants out,
And he confessed that he was Joseph whom they had sold but that he bore them no ill will,
And he spake thus, Look on the bright side - at least now I can help you through the famine, go fetch Dad and all the household and go to live in Goshen; I’ll look after you.
And Pharaoh heard what had happened and being keen to keep Joseph he encouraged the resettlement,
And off the brothers went to Canaan to tell Israel the good news.
Genesis 46
And so Israel gathered his clan and decamped to Egypt, invited this time,
And Joseph met them and the shepherds didn’t really fit in Egyptian high society.
Genesis 47
And Joseph took some brothers and Israel to meet the Pharaoh,
And Pharaoh gave them Goshen,
And the Hebrews settled in Goshen, shunned by Egypt.
And the famine bit deep and Joseph was busy,
And as gold became worthless Joseph accepted cattle, horses, and asses as payment for the Pharaoh’s grain,
And Joseph accepted land as payment for the Pharaoh’s grain,
Until every animal and every acre of Egypt belonged to the Pharaoh,
Except of course that which belonged to the priests.
And once Pharaoh owned all the animals and all the land a new payment paradigm was needed,
And, behold, securitization was discovered,
And henceforth Joseph accepted twenty per cent of future harvests in exchange for seed to sow,
And recessions have always been good for the rich.
Genesis 48
And when Israel fell ill Joseph brought his sons before him to be adopted,
And Israel put his hands on the children’s heads, right hand on Ephraim and left on Manasseh and recited in memory of Abraham and Isaac,
And Joseph noted Israel in error had mixed the younger and the older,
But Israel insisted he had it right, younger was to rule elder.
Genesis 49
And as Israel was dying he called his sons together for some final words;
Reuben: you were my firstborn but your indiscretion with Bilhah reveals your weakness;
Simeon and Levi: murderous bastards – your indiscretion was the start of the rot;
Judah: you, my boy, are a chip off the old block;
Zebulun: I’m not sure I remember you…go and live by the sea;
Issachar: honest and pleasant but lazy and going nowhere; Dan: sly and silky – you’ll do OK; Gad: learn to fight – you’ll be fine; Asher: you delight in the arts of cooking – indulge yourself; Naphtali: your nerves have never affected your words;
Joseph: legend and true heir of Abraham, Isaac and Israel; you have survived the slings and arrows of misfortune and you will prosper even until you die;
Benjamin: animal;
Now, all of you, bury me in the cave bought from Ephron,
And, with that, Israel gave up the ghost.
Genesis 50
And Israel was embalmed as was the custom of Egypt and mourned in the custom of Egypt and buried in the cave bought from Ephron.
And without Israel’s protection the brothers feared reprisal from Joseph,
But Joseph forgave his brothers, as he said, It all turned out for the best,
And Joseph also died and was embalmed and coffined in Egypt.