Leviticus 1
And Moses did move on to the next phase of his nation building,
For the Hebrews now had Rules and Regulations,
And the Hebrews had a community focal point,
But the Hebrews still lacked moral guidance and enforcement; ethics and principles and sanctions.
And another consideration weighed on Moses: Aaron.
Now Moses had no children, or at least only Midianite children,
But unto Aaron was born four boys,
And Aaron had been instrumental in the Great Escape,
And post-Escape Aaron’s oratory had been exemplary and binding,
And we’ll gloss over the calf incident.
And Moses offered Aaron and his boys to be keepers of the tabernacle, guardians of the ark, exclusive users of the altar,
With a perpetual sinecure of meat and flour paid as tax on children and animals born and as fines levied,
And Aaron accepted gleefully.
Leviticus 2-7 in appendix
Leviticus 8
And the day dawned for Aaron’s appointment as Moral Tax Collector in Chief,
And a bullock, two rams and a basket of unleavened bread were brought,
And Aarons’ and his sons’ new threads were gathered together,
And the entire party of six hundred thousand gathered at the door of the tabernacle,
And Moses washed Aaron and his sons with water,
And Moses dressed Aaron in his coat and girdle and ephod,
And Moses strapped Aaron into his breastplate with representations of Doctrine and of Truth,
And Moses placed Aaron’s mitre upon his head,
And took the oil and sprayed it around the tabernacle and the altar and Aaron’s head.
And Moses dressed Aaron’s sons in coats and girdles and bonnets,
And the bullock was brought and Aaron and the boys held it and Moses slit its throat,
And Moses dipped his finger in the blood and painted it on the horns around the altar,
And Moses took the fat and the kidneys and the liver and burnt them on the altar,
And Moses took the remainder of the bullock and incinerated it outside the camp.
And the ram was brought and again Aaron and the boys held it and Moses slit its throat,
And Moses sprayed the blood around the altar,
And Moses dressed the ram and burnt the head and the fat,
And Moses washed the innards and the legs and then burnt it all on the altar.
And the final ram was brought and Aaron and the boys held it and Moses slit its throat,
And Moses dipped his finger in the blood and painted it on the right ear of Aaron and the right thumb of Aaron and the right big toe of Aaron,
And Moses did the same to the sons of Aaron.
And Moses took the fat, the rump, the fat of the innards, the kidneys, the liver, the right shoulder, some unleavened bread and gave them to Aaron,
Aaron promptly gave them back,
And Moses burnt them.
And Moses took some blood mixed with oil and flicked it at Aaron,
And Moses said, Eat what you like of the leftovers and burn what you leave over,
Do not leave the tabernacle for seven days.
And that was that; Aaron was ensconced in one of the cushiest jobs in history.
Leviticus 9
And silver-tongued Aaron thought a party was in order,
And Moses was aware of his people’s proclivity for partying,
And on the eighth day Moses did order the killing of a calf and a ram and a goat with great ceremony,
And the animals were burnt as Moses had decreed,
And the people did watch and shout and fall on their faces, drunk and happy.
Leviticus 10
And Aaron’s boys Nadab and Abihu did get a little carried away,
And Nadab and Abihu had raided Aaron’s booze cupboard,
And Nadab and Abihu did throw a little extra something onto the fire,
And the fire did burn strongly,
And Nadab and Abihu were burned alive.
And their cousins Mishael and Elzaphan did carry their bodies out.
And not for the first time the majority were punished because a minority had broken ranks,
For Moses banned booze for Aaron and his boys.
Leviticus 11
Now Moses was content with the progress he was making,
For Moses now had judges and laws and ceremony and gaiety,
But still some decorum was missing, a little je ne sais quoi,
And Moses did realise his people’s diet was a little, shall we say, carefree,
And people did eat more or less anything,
And people did get sick,
And Moses’ ideal state had no sickness,
And Moses’ ideal state ate no exotica.
And Moses noted that camels and coneys and hares and pigs were all for one reason or another not suitable to eat,
And Moses noted that each of them either did not chew the cud or did not have a cloven hoof,
And Moses announced that henceforth only animals that chewed the cud and had cloven hooves could be eaten by his people,
And while many bemoaned the loss of ham and bacon, many were happy to be shot of camel hump.
And prawns and shellfish were delicious but only at the seaside,
Ditto dolphin fat,
And dolphins had no scales, and shellfish had no fins,
And Moses decreed; only fish with scales and fins were to be served á table.
And Moses did consider birds,
But Moses could not put his finger on a rule, however tenuous, to exclude exotica from the range of edible birds.
So Moses banned eating of eagles (tough),
And of ossifrages (rotten bone marrow scavengers),
And of ospreys (cannibals),
And of vultures and kites (soldier scavengers),
And of ravens (utterly omnivorous),
And of owls (tough),
And of night hawks (ostriches again),
And of cuckows (actually seagulls; see cormorants),
And of cormorants (water raven),
And of great owls (see eagles),
And of swans (actually an owl),
And of pelicans (eat shellfish in their shells, vomit them up and pick out the meat from the opened shell),
And of gier eagles (feed their young on blood),
And of storks (rather pretty),
And of herons (useful for hunting),
And of lapwings (nest in dung),
And of bats, for Moses was rather freaked out by bats.
And Moses did ban flying insects (cockroaches, moths and mosquitoes; not missing out on much),
But allowed the delicious, plentiful and nutritious locust,
Ditto bald locusts, grasshoppers and beetles.
And dogs and cats and bears have paws,
And weasels and mice and tortoises and ferret and chameleons and lizards and snails and moles were all deemed a little exotic,
And exotica causes disease,
And so anything edible touched by anything exotic must be thrown away,
Except, obviously, sowing seed for that will not be eaten directly.
And anything used for cooking touched by any of these must be thrown away or cleaned.
And all creepers (snakes and the like) should be avoided.
Leviticus 12
And while on hygiene Moses moved from food to childbirth,
And post-partum women were corralled for a month or so,
Having paid Aaron a lamb and a pigeon per birth.
Leviticus 13
And from childbirth to sickness,
And anyone with a lesion looking like leprosy must report to Aaron,
And Aaron shall keep him under observation in seven day periods,
And diagnose leprosy or health.
And Moses did decree that it was OK to be bald,
But not if there is a white reddish sore for that is a sure sign of leprosy,
And any man declared leprous shall have his clothes removed and hat taken from him,
And he shall grow a moustache,
And everyone shall point and shout and laugh at the moustache,
And all the world shall know he is leprous,
And he shall be forced out of the camp to suffer by himself.
And the clothes of the leper shall be examined and kept under observation,
And if the leprosy is in the clothes they shall be burnt,
And if the leprosy is not in the clothes they may be washed and washed then worn again.
And a leper who has healed shall be examined by Aaron and his boys,
And the price of readmission to the camp shall be two birds; one to be killed and one set free,
And the ex-leper shall wash himself and shave his head,
And the ex-leper shall hang around post-wash for seven days,
And then the ex-leper shall pay two male lambs, one female lamb, three tenth deals of fine flour and one log of oil to Aaron and his boys,
Or one lamb and two turtledoves for pauper lepers,
And blood and oil shall be spread in all the usual places,
And the right ear and right thumb and right toe shall be oiled and bloodied.
And Aaron and his boys shall always be in charge of this nice little earner,
And in time when Canaan is conquered Aaron and his boys will certificate houses as free from or suffering from leprosy,
And leprous houses shall be cleaned or destroyed if the cleaning is ineffective,
And if cleaned then the price for readmission is two birds; one to be killed and one set free.
Leviticus 15
And from skin sickness to bodily discharge sicknesses, gonorrhoea and diarrhoea,
And Moses decreed that everything touched by a gonorr/diarrhoeal was unclean and must be washed, including beds, chairs, people, saddles,
And anything that touched anything that had been touched must be washed,
And any man healed of his bodily fluid discharge must wash seven days until he is properly clean,
And on the eighth day he must pay Aaron and his boys two turtledoves.
And not content with sickness discharge, Moses looked to wipe away all discharge,
And drafted rules on washing semen stains and periods, For semen must be washed from wherever it lands And periods were to be suffered out of camp,
And goner/diarrhoeals too,
And the price of readmission to camp is two turtledoves.
Leviticus 16
Now Aaron wished to commemorate his sons burnt in the Special Brew incident,
And Aaron took a bullock, a ram and two goats,
And killed and burned all bar one goat,
And released the survivor unto the wilderness to roam immemorial.
And it was decreed that on the tenth day of the seventh month no work should be done,
And it shall be a rest day to recall the deaths of Aaron’s sons, and all others who die by misadventure.
Leviticus 17
Now it was true that Aaron and his boys exacted payments for animal killings, for disease management and for women’s periods,
And one would have thought that would be enough, But one would be wrong,
For Moses now decreed that ALL edible animals killed by a Hebrew were to be brought unto Aaron and the boys and tax paid,
And Aaron shall sprinkle some blood about and burn some fat to earn his meat,
And in this way no Hebrew shall make sacrifices to pagan gods in the fields,
And central control shall be maintained.
And the penalty for not paying tax to Aaron and the boys was ostracism,
And a penalty must be paid should the animal have no blood for Aaron to sprinkle,
For fresh blood must not be drunk, but given to Aaron and his boys.
Leviticus 18
And Moses felt secure with his hygiene rules,
And all was in order.
And Moses moved on to other Rules for Civilisation,
And Moses decreed that interfamilial sex was a no-no, For too long this sort of thing had gone on unchecked,
And now it had to stop.
And sex with your mother, your mother-in-law, your sister, sister-in-law, granddaughter, auntie, uncle’s wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law were all forbidden,
Sex with two generations of the same family, or indeed three, was on the naughty list,
Nor was your wife’s sister a suitable target, Sex with women on the blob: banned, Sex with your neighbour’s wife: proscribed, Sending your semen to Molech: disallowed, Man on man: an abomination and forbidden,
Bestiality: confused and most definitely illegitimate, and that goes for men and for women.
And all these practices were common in the land of the Amorites and the Canaanites, the Hittites and the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites,
But the Hebrew nation shall not practice them, nor any man who visits with us,
For they are abominations.
Leviticus 19
And Moses again recapped the basic Rules of the Hebrews:
No superstition, honour your mother and father, rest on every seventh day, don’t leave uneaten food until it goes off,
When you harvest, leave some scraps for the poor,
Don’t steal, defraud nor lie,
Pay wages promptly,
Don’t curse the deaf nor trip the blind,
Don’t raise the poor on a pedestal, nor fawn over the rich,
Don’t gossip, but don’t withhold truth,
Don’t hold grudges, talk them over,
And love thy neighbour as thyself.
Don’t interbreed species of animals, nor mix seeds in a field, nor cloths in a fabric,
Sex with a slave girl costs one ram to Aaron and the boys,
And don’t eat fruit from trees under five,
Don’t eat bloody meat, nor practice witchcraft,
Let your curly hair grow long,
No tattoos and no self-mutilation,
No pimping out your daughter,
Don’t hang out with witches,
Honour old people,
Be nice to strangers,
Oh, and don’t use scam weights.
And no child sacrifice, on penalty of death by stoning,
And any man covering up child sacrifice shall be ostracised.
And those who consort with witches shall be ostracised.
And those who curse their parents shall be killed,
And those that commit adultery shall be killed,
And mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law and their shaggers shall be killed,
And practising gays shall be killed,
And multigenerational shaggers shall be burnt,
And bestialists shall be killed, the animal too,
But for shagging your sister, half-sister (‘doing an Abraham’, as it was known) or a woman on the blob then ostracism is punishment enough,
Unspecified punishment for shagging your aunt or uncle’s wife,
Doomed to childlessness for shagging your sister-in-law.
And if we do all these things and eat the right food and keep ourselves morally pure we shall inherit the earth.
Leviticus 21
And so far so good,
And the irregular and the exotic was being erased,
And Moses wanted his enforcers to practice more what they preached,
And Moses set some rules for Aaron and his boys,
And they were not to touch dead bodies save those of close family,
And they were not to self-mutilate nor cut their beards nor their hair,
And they were not to marry whores nor divorcees,
And any daughters who did whore were to be burnt,
And the senior curator must be well presented at all times,
And he may not leave his tabernacle,
And his wife must be a virgin and also not a foreigner.
And Moses made clear to Aaron that any deformed or defective descendants were not to be given the tabernacle gig, No blind, lame, flat-nosed, extra-limbed, broken-footed, broken-handed, hunchbacked, dwarfed, spotty-eyed, scurvous, scabrous or broken-balled man may ever run my tabernacle.
Leviticus 22
And of course any son of Aaron with leprosy or gonorrhoea or diarrhoea must be stood down from duty,
And if he touches a corpse or some semen or a creeping animal then he must wash,
And generally all the sons of Aaron must keep to the Rules rigidly.
Now of course any slaves owned by Aaron may eat the meat payments,
But daughters who marry out may not unless she is divorced or widowed and returns.
And Aaron insisted that he should only be paid in perfect animals for deformed or scurvous or scabrous ones could be poisonous,
And no castrated animals neither, nor one with damaged balls you no longer want,
None under seven days old,
And no mothers and children to be killed on the same day.
Leviticus 23
And Moses’s nation was taking place,
And Moses defined the party days he had previously instigated,
And the fourteenth day of the first month would be to celebrate the Great Escape
And the first day of the seventh month would be a day of rest, signalled by trumpets,
And the tenth day of the same month is to be a Day of Fasting and Reflection
And on the fifteenth day of the seventh month we will go camping in the fields and feast for seven days to celebrate the Harvest.
Leviticus 24
And it came to pass that Aaron performed his duties,
And the people supplied oil for the lamps,
And bread for Aaron and his boys,
And in due course the new Rules were tested,
For a half-Egyptian boy fought with a Hebrew and the half-Egyptian cursed the wretched Hebrews,
And he was stoned to death, as per the rules.
For rigid adherence to the Rules was the only route to discipline and order and the only hope for the Hebrews,
And Moses enforced ruthlessly breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again.
And the rule of law pertained, and no man was immune,
And the Hebrews acknowledged their leader Moses.
Leviticus 25
But Moses had an itch to scratch,
And Moses moved on to farming,
For a fledgling nation needs self-sufficiency.
And all farm land was to be owned by the state,
And all farm land was to be leased from Jubilee to Jubilee,
And all land transactions are to be based on the date of the Jubilee,
And the price of land is set according to how soon the next Jubilee is,
And if the Jubilee is many years the price will be higher,
And if the Jubilee is near the price will be lower,
For the value of the land is determined by the number of harvests available.
And no land outside of the city walls shall be sold forever, But shall be leased only until the next Jubilee,
And in this way all men may be provided for.
And who should work the land, but slaves,
And Moses made sure the rules governing slaves were equitable,
And a neighbour who sells himself into slavery will gain his freedom in the year of the Jubilee.
But slaves bought from foreigners shall not gain their freedom, but shall be inherited by the children.
And a neighbour who sells himself to a foreigner may be bought back, calculating the price by the years to the Jubilee,
And in the year of the Jubilee he will be free.
Leviticus 26
And Moses handed down Rule after Rule and Regulation,
And Moses was sure that if the people kept no idols, and stuck to the rest days, and paid off Aaron and ate well, and segregated the sick, and practised sexual continence,
Then the farmwork would be done, and the rains would come, and the land would bear fruit,
And there would be so much grain that they would be threshing until grape harvest,
And so many grapes that they would be busy until time to sow the grain again,
And they would have bread and it would be good.
And there would be peace in the land,
And there would be no wild animals nor bandits,
And enemies would be repelled.
But idolatry, exotica and incontinence was sure to lead to famine, disease, fever, terror and disaster,
Your enemies will steal your grain and take your lives,
Wild beasts will ravage your land, and plagues will strike you down,
Your children will be killed, your herds destroyed and your highways impassable,
Your grain will run low, you will eat the flesh of your sons and of your daughters.
And your spirits will be so broken you will fall before your enemies, and you shall wither as slaves,
But discipline leads to prosperity, so heed these Rules.
Leviticus 27