Numbers 1
And the Hebrew nation began to take shape,
And the erstwhile slaves regained independent discipline,
And the community melded and cooperated,
And in the desert unity bloomed.
And Moses recognised the next step was an army,
And Moses ordered a poll of all males of arms-bearing age; twenty in those days,
And there were forty-six thousand and five hundred male children of Reuben,
And fifty-nine thousand three hundred of Simeon,
And forty-five thousand and six hundred and fifty of Gad,
And seventy four thousand and six hundred of Judah,
And fifty-four thousand and four hundred of Issachar,
And fifty-seven thousand and four hundred of Zebulun,
And forty thousand and five hundred of Joseph,
And thirty-two thousand and two hundred of Manasseh,
And thirty-five thousand and four hundred of Benjamin,
And sixty-two thousand and seven hundred of Dan,
And forty-one thousand and five hundred of Asher,
And fifty-three thousand and four hundred of Naphtali.
And Aaron managed to excuse his boys from the army count,
And Aaron’s boys and indeed all their cousins, all Levites, were to hang around the tabernacle.
Numbers 2
And Moses appointed Captains and camping grounds,
And the army was structured along family lines,
And everyone did as they were told.
And Moses ordered the Levites to obey Aaron,
And no longer were the firstborn of each family to be sacrificed,
For Levites were in effect sacrificed en masse,
Or that was the official story.
And the seven thousand and five hundred children of Gershon were to take care of the tabernacle tent, the covering and the hangings and the curtains,
And the eight thousand and six hundred children of Kohath were to take care of the sanctuary, the altar, and the candlestick,
And the six thousand and two hundred children of Merari were to take care of the boards, the bars, the pillars, the sockets and vessels of the tabernacle.
And Aaron squeezed one last concession from Moses,
For there were more firstborns than there were Levites,
And for each one five shekels were paid,
And the money went to Aaron, naturally.
Numbers 10
And the Hebrews did travel through the desert, with Hobab the Midianite as guide,
And with new silver trumpets to sound the command.
Numbers 11
And the throng wandered the desert replete with rules, customs, regulations and etiquette,
But no land.
And fires broke out in the camp,
And the people whinged about their diet,
And the people fondly recalled Egypt,
And the burden depressed Moses,
And the people begged for meat, But the new nation’s seed flocks and herds could not be killed,
And a passing flock of quails was greedily wolfed,
And the protein made the beggars sick.
Numbers 12
And again Moses came under the cosh,
For Moses enjoyed a bit of exotica and had a charming lady,
And that was fine, but the devil was in the detail, For the great governor’s bit of fluff was not pure Hebrew,
But was a child of Ham, a rather tall and glamorous Ethiopian.
Now, understandably, Moses’ choice had been the subject of some discussion,
And Aaron and Miriam spoke up, But Moses took Miriam and Aaron to the tabernacle,
And Miriam mysteriously left camp for seven days.
Numbers 13
And Moses wanted a homeland,
And Moses instructed a man from each tribe to go on a recce into the land of the Canaanites,
And the team set off and travelled to Hebron via Zin and Rehob,
And they came across the brook of Eschcol,
And found grapes and pomegranates and figs,
And after forty days returned to Moses in Kadesh,
And reported that the land flowed with milk and honey,
And they showed the grapes and pomegranates and figs to the delight of the crowd.
And after the good news came the bad,
And the bad was that the land was populated by the children of Anak,
And there were walled cities,
And the Hittites and the Jebusites and the Amorites were in the mountains,
And the Canaanites were by the sea.
And hawkish Caleb stepped from the crowd and urged invasion,
For he felt the people were strong,
But the doves insisted the lands were too great, and the inhabitants were giants,
And there was no chance.
Numbers 14
And again the whines were heard from the camp, and the whinging grew ever stronger, and the ungrateful elements and the politicking elements and the wannabe leaders fomented unrest,
And calls rang forth for a new leader, and a return to Egypt,
And Joshua and Caleb spoke up,
And Joshua and Caleb described the glories of the promised lands,
But Moses turned and led his people toward the Red Sea, away from the promised lands.
Numbers 16
And then Korah led a party of two hundred and fifty community leaders,
And demanded why Moses and Aaron were in charge,
And demanded why only Aaron’s sons took the meat and grain payments,
And demanded a slice of that pie.
And Moses saw Dathan and Abiram in the dissenting crowd but they snubbed him when he called them,
And they demanded why Moses had taken them from the comfort of slavery in Egypt, from a land of milk and honey,
And had not led them to a new land of milk and honey,
And it seemed to them, not without reason, that Moses had led them out of Egypt purely for his own self-aggrandisement.
But Moses was by now a master of control,
And Moses invited all the dissenters to return the following day with their incense burners,
And Moses planned another of his spectaculars.
And the following day dawned and Korah and Dathan and Abiram and their supporters gathered in their tents,
And Moses warned the throng to keep back,
And Moses announced that he would be happy to step aside should anyone show that he was not the right man to take the party forward,
And as he finished speaking an explosion ripped through the air,
And Korah and Dathan and Abiram and their women and their children were ripped into pieces,
And in the smoke and the chaos there was a crater and splintered incense burners,
And Moses ordered the splinters to be collected and beaten into a sheet of brass,
And the sheet was to cover the altar in the tabernacle,
And it was to be a sign unto the children of Israel,
And it was to be a memorial unto the children of Israel that no stranger which is not of the seed of Aaron come near to offer incense in the tabernacle.
But this latest spectacular did not go down well,
And the people were outraged,
But Moses was ready with further manoeuvres,
And the tabernacle was shrouded in smoke,
And the people were afraid,
And Aaron ran riot with his incense burner,
And fourteen thousand and seven hundred died.
Numbers 17
And Moses demanded each tribe to provide a rod with their name on,
And Aaron provided the Levite rod,
And Aaron’s rod was fresh,
And as a fresh branch placed in water will bud, So Aaron’s budded overnight,
And it was seen that Aaron’s rod was superior to those of the remaining eleven tribes, for theirs were old and dead and did not bud.
And it was clear to the throng who was in charge,
And it was clear that Aaron’s sinecure would be defended with all vigour,
And that punishment for unauthorised approach of the tabernacle would be swift and brutal.
Numbers 20
And in the dessert of Zin, in Kadesh, Miriam of the timbrels did pass away,
And again the party ran out of water,
And again there was whining from the camp,
And whinging ungrateful elements and politicking elements and wannabe leaders fomented unrest,
And again a spring was dug.
And Moses sent a messenger to Edom,
And the messenger explained to Edom how they had left their comfy homes in Egypt for this shithole Kadesh,
And you’ve got a nice place here, guv, but we won’t touch a thing if you let us through,
And Edom, chuckling to himself, wasn’t having any of it.
And the Hebrews moved on to mount Hor,
And in mount Hor Aaron passed away,
And Aaron’s son Eleazar succeeded him.
Numbers 21
And the Hebrews journeyed on,
And the spies of Arad the Canaanite saw them And Arad the Canaanite seized some stragglers,
And the Hebrew vengeance was swift and brutal,
And the Canaanite cites were destroyed utterly,
And the place renamed Hormah (“devoted to destruction”).
And the Hebrews journeyed on to the Red Sea, skirting Edom,
And in the hardship of the travel whining rose from the camp,
And whinging ungrateful elements and politicking elements and wannabe leaders fomented unrest,
And the people complained about the food and the wilderness and the snakes,
And many died from snakebite.
And the caravan moved on to Oboth and to Ijeabarim and Zared,
And they pitched up on the border between the Amorites and Moab,
And thence to Beer, and Mattanah and Nahaliel and Bamoth and Pisgah.
And from there a messenger was sent to Sihon, king of the Amorites, to request safe passage across his lands,
And the messenger promised not to loot any land nor drink any water,
Do you think I was born yesterday, muttered Sihon,
And Sihon gathered his forces and struck at Jahaz, But the Hebrew people had grown strong,
And Sihon was destroyed and Sihon’s lands from Arnon to Jabbok were taken,
And the Hebrews took the towns and the villages and dwelt in the lands of the Amorites.
And next they turned attention to Og, the king of Bashan,
And Og also fancied his chances against the desert arrivistes,
And Og also was utterly destroyed,
And his lands settled by the Hebrews.
Numbers 22
And the occupying army moved on to the borders of Balak the Moab,
And Balak was worried,
For Balak could not fail to notice the wanton destruction of the Amorites and Bashan,
And Balak summoned a council of Moabites and Midianites,
And pointed out that the Hebrews would in all likelihood wipe the floor with their boys. We need help.
And Balak proposed an envoy to a soldier of fortune of whom he had heard tell,
And Balak spake thus to the council, If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire…Balaam.
And the council agreed that Balaam could be hired,
And an envoy was dispatched.
And the envoy met with Balaam,
And Balaam laughed and asked, Who do you think you’re kidding, these Hebrews are tough nuts and way beyond Balak’s boys,
And the envoy returned,
And Balak sent a second party,
And Balaam was brought to Balak.
Numbers 23
And Balaam had a tough job,
But he knew some Moabite superstitions,
And Balaam suggested some sacrifices and a speech,
And Balak thought that a Good Plan,
And, lo, the cattle were slaughtered,
And Balaam stood to speak,
And Balaam stood in the silence and the expectation,
And the silence pounded in Balaam’s head,
And words of comfort did not come to Balaam,
And Balaam wondered how one could defy the Hebrews for they were many, and they were vicious,
But Balak interrupted, What are you saying? You’re meant to be on my side.
And Balaam had not meant to speak his thoughts.
And Balak took Balaam to another field,
And they could view the Hebrews from the vantage point,
And a further seven altars were built,
And a bullock and ram killed on each one,
And Balaam had another go,
But again all Balaam could think was that the Hebrew fighting machine was like a bolt of lightning,
And that the fighting machine would carry on until it had razed every building and sucked every bit of loot from its target,
And that there really was little point in opposing them,
And Balak was not amused.
But Balak was prepared to give Balaam one last go,
And seven more altars were built and another lot of animals killed.
Numbers 24
And Balaam admired the Hebrews in their tent city,
And Balaam knew the Hebrews were a people on the make,
And the Hebrews had proved their mettle in the Great Escape,
And the time in the desert had not been wasted,
And Balaam advised Balak to let sleeping dogs lie.
And Balak was, of course, pretty peeved,
And Balak sent Balaam away with no pay,
And it was Balaam’s turn to be miffed,
And Balaam insisted his was an impartial independent opinion,
And Balaam pointed out that he hadn’t wanted to help in the first place, as he knew then what the answer would be,
But, Since you insist, I’ll tell you what is going to happen. A star will come out of Jacob; a sceptre will rise out of Israel. He will crush the foreheads of Moab, the skulls of all the sons of Sheth. Edom will be conquered; Seir, his enemy, will be conquered, but Israel will grow strong. Amalek was first among the nations, but he will come to ruin at last. You’re all fucked.
Numbers 25
But the Hebrews did not invade,
For the Moabite women were quite something,
And while the army was encamped the Moabite women tried their luck,
And their luck was good,
And it was all too easy to persuade the superstitious soldiers to get stuck into a spot of sex and idolatry.
And Moses found out,
And the leaders were rounded up and hung out to dry (literally),
And the judges executed every man who screwed a Moabite.
And one man had been out late and was wandering home to his tent,
And on his arm was a rather lovely young thing, All flashing eyes, long legs and youthful exuberance, As one of royal blood is expected to be,
And the marriage would have joined two great houses,
And the pair passed the tabernacle,
And as they did Phinehas (son of Eleazar) seized a spear,
And speared the pair of them, her through her belly.
And Moses was not going to tolerate the Moabites,
And a killing spree was loosed,
And twenty-four thousand paid the death penalty for a bit of fluff and the possibility of a peace treaty.
Numbers 26
And Moses instructed Eleazar to count up the soldiers,
And there were forty-three thousand and seven hundred and thirty Reubenites,
And twenty-two thousand two hundred Simeonites,
And forty thousand and five hundred Gadites,
And seventy-six thousand and five hundred of Judah,
And sixty-four thousand and three hundred of Issachar,
And sixty thousand and five hundred of Zebulun,
And of Joseph, fifty-two thousand and seven hundred of Manasseh, and thirty-two thousand and five hundred of Ephraim,
And forty-five thousand and six hundred of Benjamin,
And sixty-four thousand and four hundred of Dan,
And fifty-three thousand and four hundred of Asher,
And forty-five thousand and four hundred of Naphtali,
Totalling six hundred and one thousand, seven hundred and thirty troops.
And loot was to be divided up between the tribes according to the numbers of the tribes,
And twenty three thousand Levites were also present,
And among all those men counted there were no escaped slaves remaining,
And only desert-born men were present; Moses, Joshua and Caleb excepted.
Numbers 27
And Moses decreed that brotherless daughters could inherit,
For inheritance was on Moses’ mind,
For Moses thought Joshua showed the right stuff to succeed him,
And Joshua was brought in front of the people and before Eleazar,
And Moses laid his hands on Joshua,
And anointed him successor.
Numbers 31
And Joshua took one thousand fighting men from each tribe,
And Phinehas and Eleazar manned the trumpets,
And in the wars against the Midianites they killed Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, Reba and Balaam,
And they killed every man of each tribe,
And they took the children and the women to be slaves and whores,
And they took the cattle and the sheep,
And they burnt the cities and castles and contents,
And returned to parade their gains before Moses.
And Moses was pleased,
And Moses declared that all male prisoners of all ages were to be executed,
And only virgin women prisoners could be kept, all others executed.
And the booty was counted,
And there were six hundred and seventy-five thousand sheep, seventy-two thousand head of cattle, sixty-one thousand asses and thirty-two thousand virgins,
And the Levites were given their cut,
And the non-soldiers were given their cut,
And everyone was happy.
Numbers 32
And the tribes of Reuben and of Gad now had many thousands of cattle,
And the plains east of Jordan were perfect for cattle farming,
And the Reubenites and Gadites rather fancied settling down and farming their cattle,
And they didn’t much fancy the stress and strain of invasion and war,
And representatives went to see Moses,
And explained their thoughts.
And Moses was not amused,
For Moses’ new vision was one nation with one purpose,
And Moses knew weakness would spread swiftly through the camp,
And Moses gave them a piece of his mind, asking whether they would be happy to sit around scratching their balls while their cousins wiped the blood from their eyes and squinted through the red haze of war,
And Moses made it clear that their secession would ruin the project.
And the Reubenites and Gadites accepted Moses’ points,
And suggested they leave their women, and they come fighting until the invasion was complete, and then return to their women in these fields,
It’s a deal, said Moses.
And the Reubenites and Gadites and half the Manassehites were given the kingdoms of Sihon and of Og to share,
And they set about building cities.
Numbers 34
And Moses sat down with Joshua and reminded him what the plan was,
And the southern border is from the Dead Sea over Scorpion Pass to the sea in the West,
And the western border is the Mediterranean,
And the north border is from the sea to Mount Hor, through Hamath and Zedad and Ziphron to Hazarenan,
And your eastern border is from Hazarenan through Shepham to Riblah, down the east coast of the Sea of Galilee and down to the Dead Sea.
All this you must conquer and divide up between the tribes.