Holding on to anything too tightly is stressful. This insight can be traced back to the historical Buddha, a prince named Siddhartha Gautama, who was born in northern India sometime between four and six hundred years before the Common Era. To his father’s chagrin, when the prince was twenty-nine years old he gave up a cushy royal life to become a wandering monk. After several years of wandering, the Buddha sat down to meditate under a bodhi tree in Bodh Gaya, India, and vowed to stay until he became enlightened. There he had four insights into human existence: suffering is part of life (not all of life, just part of life); there’s a cause for suffering; there’s an end to suffering; and—here’s the best part—there’s a means by which we can end suffering. Over the next twenty-five hundred years or so, scientists, philosophers, and poets have affirmed these four insights across disciplines. In one of his best-known books, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!, Dr. Seuss restates the first insight in rhyme: “I’m sorry to say so / but, sadly, it’s true / that Bang-ups and Hang-ups / can happen to you.” The next story is one of my favorites to illustrate how holding on to something too tightly can cause unnecessary pain.
A hunter sets a monkey trap by putting a banana inside a bamboo cage. The bars on the cage are placed just widely enough apart for a monkey to reach inside with a flat hand, but not widely enough to pull his hand out if he’s holding a banana. The monkey happens upon the trap, sees the banana, reaches in, and grabs it. Once he gets hold of the banana, he won’t let it go, and he’s caught. Freedom is as close as releasing his grip, but the monkey is sure that he needs this very banana and won’t let it go.
The monkey is caught in a familiar trap. He’s chasing what he thinks will make him happy (eating the banana) and avoiding what he thinks will make him unhappy (losing the banana). Is the moral of this story to drop the banana? Sometimes, but not always. If we’re actually caught in a trap, dropping the metaphorical banana is definitely the way to go. The cause-and-effect relationship between our metaphorical bananas and our suffering is usually more nuanced than in this story, however. Often, the more skillful response to suffering is to let it alone rather than these two more common responses—to ignore the pain entirely or to consider it from every angle. Here’s the problem with these two responses: When we ignore our suffering, or chew it over time and time again, our discomfort is likely to escalate. We can exit this familiar pattern by relating to suffering differently and choosing to experience it rather than sweeping it under the rug or analyzing it. Then, the activity in our minds can settle, allowing us to see what’s happening within and around us more clearly and with less reactivity. Because this way of relating to physical and emotional pain is a shift away from the norm that takes some time to figure out and longer to execute, there’s plenty of suffering along the way, even for the most experienced meditators.
Fortunately, suffering can yield important insights. The essayist and novelist Pico Iyer considered the value of suffering on the opinion page of the New York Times:
Wise men in every tradition tell us that suffering brings clarity, illumination; for the Buddha, suffering is the first rule of life, and insofar as some of it arises from our own wrongheadedness—our cherishing of self—we have the cure for it within. Thus in certain cases, suffering may be an effect, as well as a cause, of taking ourselves too seriously. I once met a Zen-trained painter in Japan, in his 90s, who told me that suffering is a privilege, it moves us toward thinking about essential things and shakes us out of shortsighted complacency; when he was a boy, he said, it was believed you should pay for suffering, it proves such a hidden blessing.
Suffering becomes a hidden blessing when older kids (and parents) are able to take advantage of the opportunity suffering offers to become more aware of what’s happening within and around them. When we notice that health and well-being are fragile and transient, we see the theme everything changes manifested in daily life. When we recognize that our own happiness is complex, changing, and coexistent with the happiness of others, we acknowledge another theme, our interdependence. When we remember that thoughts and feelings are also complex, interrelated, and in flux, we practice a third theme, keeping an open mind, while giving the previous two themes a nod. And when we accept that bad things happen to good people, we recognize the first insight of mindfulness—that suffering is part of life. Reflections like these, the ones that tend to come in the wake of suffering, lead to increased clarity about whatever is happening and make it tough to take petty concerns too seriously. Pico Iyer points to self-cherishing as a cause and effect of suffering, and it’s natural to be preoccupied by self-centered concerns when life is good. When life is challenging, however, reflections on the themes of interdependence, everything changes, clarity, acceptance, and an open mind encourage us to step back and see the vast field of causes and conditions that make up the larger picture of our suffering (in other words, to recognize the theme of cause and effect). As our lenses enlarge, self-centered concerns are often dwarfed by more fundamental issues and seem unimportant in comparison. An appreciation of the flip side of suffering can emerge when we recognize the people, places, and things that help make suffering bearable. Then, even though we’re in pain, it’s relatively easy to hold other people in mind with appreciation and kindness, two more themes that are woven through a wise and compassionate worldview.
Kids don’t need to suffer in order to broaden their mind-sets, though. The next game uses a simple approach that can be summed up by this Vietnamese proverb: “When eating a fruit, think of the person who planted the tree.” Thank the Farmer heightens young children’s awareness of the theme interdependence while giving them an opportunity to practice two other themes that children are reflecting on in this section, kindness and appreciation. Older children and teens might be too old for Thank the Farmer, but they can benefit from reflecting on the Vietnamese proverb upon which it is based. Prepare by finding a comfortable place where the children can eat and placing a few raisins in a cup for each child.
Before eating a raisin, we thank the people, places, and things that were part of its journey from grapevine to table.
LIFE SKILLS Seeing, Reframing |
TARGET AGES Young Children |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Let’s pick up a raisin. But before we eat it, we’ll think about how it got from the grapevine into our hands:
• Think of the worms that nourished the soil . . . Thank you, worms!
• Think of the sun and rain that fed the vines . . . Thank you, nature!
• Think of the farmers who took care of the vines and harvested the grapes . . . Thank you, farmers!
• Think of the workers who harvested the grapes, put them out to dry, and boxed them up as raisins . . . Thank you, workers!
• Think of the truck drivers who drove the raisins to the store . . . Thank you, truck drivers!
• Think of the person who bought the raisins and brought them to you . . . (Children thank you.)
2. You’re welcome! Now, let’s eat the raisin. Put it in your mouth for a moment, without chewing, and notice what that feels like. Then spend a moment chewing. And, finally, swallow. Pay careful attention to how each step feels.
3. Talking points: Have you thought about your food this way before? Do you think about raisins differently now?
There’s a common tendency to pay more attention to what we don’t have than to be grateful for what we do have. At times parents want more—a better job, a longer vacation, or more money in the bank—and at times we want less—a lower credit card bill or a smaller number when we stand on the scale. And at times we want more for our children and families than we’re able to provide. In all of these examples, we’re focused on what we lack rather than on what we have. Some scientists chalk this negative bias up to evolution. They suggest that brains are hardwired to respond more strongly to bad news than to good news because, from a brain’s perspective, bad news signals danger, and our brains evolved to prioritize survival over everything else. But we can turn this negative bias around by reflecting on and appreciating what we have in our lives already.
To prepare for the next game, cut strips of construction paper and place them in a basket, along with decorating materials.
appreciation chain
We write notes of appreciation to remind ourselves of what we have and to see the positive effect of a simple act of kindness.
LIFE SKILLS Seeing, Reframing |
TARGET AGES Young Children |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Talking points: What are some ways people have helped you? What is “appreciation” or “gratitude”?
2. Let’s make an appreciation chain together. First we’ll write down things we’re grateful for on these strips of paper. Then we’ll decorate them and connect them into a chain.
3. Talking points: How do you feel when you appreciate something or someone? What are some of the ways that we’re all connected? What is a community?
When the chain is ready, help children hang it in a meaningful place or give it away as a gift.
TIPS
1. Appreciation games reinforce the theme of interdependence by reminding kids that they’re connected to people they know and to people they don’t know in ways that are hard to imagine. For instance, many, many people participate in bringing their meals to the table (farmers, grocers, cooks) and in making their favorite television show or movie (writers, executives, actors, directors).
Painful thoughts and emotions sometimes show up when children and teens practice appreciation and kids can easily misinterpret parents’ reminders to be thankful as an indication that we’re minimizing their challenges, even when that’s not the case. When painful emotions do come up, encourage kids to view how they feel through a wide lens, not to gloss over their feelings or push them aside. When kids acknowledge their hurt feelings and remember the good things in their lives, they embody one of the themes they’ve been exploring—an open mind. Three Good Things gives children a chance to practice this holistic mind-set when they’re upset and they need it the most.
three good things
When faced with a disappointment, we acknowledge our feelings, and then we think of three good things in our lives, too.
LIFE SKILLS Seeing, Reframing |
TARGET AGES All Ages |
LEADING THE DISCUSSION
1. Do you ever feel disappointed by something or someone?
Listen to children’s stories.
2. How did that make you feel?
Acknowledge children’s feelings and, if appropriate, talk about them.
3. I bet even when you’re feeling disappointed there are good things happening in your life, too. Let’s name three good things together.
TIPS
1. Remind children that the point of this game isn’t to pretend they’re not upset when they feel upset. It’s to remember that they can feel two things at once: they can feel grateful for good things while feeling sad, hurt, or disappointed by challenges.
2. If children or teens have trouble thinking of three good things on their own, brainstorm and help them discover some.
3. When kids understand that this game is not about sweeping their feelings under the rug, the phrase “three good things” can become a playful and humorous response to the minor gripes that show up in family life. For instance, if a young child spills a glass of apple juice and looks like he’s going to cry, you can respond with something like, “Ahhh, that can be frustrating. Can you name Three Good Things while I wipe the counter?”
4. Parents can encourage kids to remind them to name Three Good Things when they’re stuck on a trivial disappointment or minor annoyance, too.
5. To develop a habit of thankfulness, play Three Good Things around the dinner table, before bedtime, and at other times when the family is together (and no one is upset).
The next game, Life Is Good, is a playful way for kids to practice acknowledging their challenges, and then placing them into a broader context by naming a few positive things that are in their lives, too—I jokingly call it The Whining Game. Kids roll a ball back and forth in a circle or between partners. Whoever has the ball names something that gets on her nerves. Then she rolls the ball to another player while saying, “. . . and life is good.” This game was inspired by a gratitude practice that James Baraz, a founding teacher of Spirit Rock Meditation Center, taught to his eighty-nine-year-old mother, and the title of this game was a welcome suggestion from the pioneering meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein.
life is good
As we roll a ball back and forth (or around in a circle), we name things that bother us, while remembering the good things in life by adding, “. . . and life is good.”
LIFE SKILLS Seeing, Reframing |
TARGET AGES All Ages |
LEADING THE GAME
1. We’re going to roll this ball to one another, and when the ball comes to you, name one thing that’s bothering you. Then roll the ball to the next person and say, “. . . and life is good.”
2. I’ll go first. I lost my necklace today . . .
Roll the ball to another player while saying, “. . . and life is good.”
3. Now you name something and roll the ball.
Guide players in speeding up the pace as the play continues.
At first, thankfulness may feel like a mere intellectual exercise. Yet the more families carve out time to practice appreciation when life is good, the easier it is for parents and children to be thankful for the good things in life when times are hard. When that shift happens, appreciation becomes an integral part of a family’s world-view and is no longer just an intellectual exercise.