The first time I tried to meditate, I was with my husband and a group of strangers at the Zen Center of New York City. After a few minutes of sitting cross-legged on a cushion and staring at a white wall, my thoughts overpowered me, and I dashed out of the Zendo as if my hair was on fire. Looking back, I now understand why I couldn’t sit still. My family was going through a rough patch, and it was simply too scary and painful for me to look inside myself for very long. I returned to meditation later, when the stressful events that had brought me there had calmed down.
Unfortunately, the mom who shared this next story with me did not. A bright working mother told me she approached meditation the same way she approached anything new—she read some books, listened to some audio recordings, and downloaded an app. Having done her research, she felt prepared and started to practice on her own. Yet every time she settled in to meditate, she was flooded by feelings of fear and helplessness. She had turned to meditation to help her steer through life’s challenges, but no matter what technique she used or how hard she tried, this mom never felt calm, relaxed, or peaceful when she practiced. Instead, she felt agitated and overwhelmed. This is just one of many stories I’ve heard from people who stopped meditating because they found it to be frustrating.
Many children think meditation is easy, while most parents find it to be challenging at first. A professional, middle-aged dad told me that he had asked a young mindfulness teacher for meditation instructions in plain, easy-to-understand language. She suggested that he carve out five or ten minutes every day to sit comfortably or lie down and focus on his breathing. When thoughts came to mind, she told him to ignore them and go back to focusing on his breath. Although he remembered her instructions, he couldn’t follow them. When his mind got busy, he was sucked into a mental loop of analyzing his problems. When he wasn’t thinking, he’d get bored and zone out. Either way, this hopeful new meditator didn’t feel that his time was well spent. When he was thinking and meditating, he figured he’d be better off sitting at his desk, and when he zoned out while meditating, he figured he’d be better off daydreaming on a chaise lounge in the backyard.
The mom who stopped meditating because she was overwhelmed by strong feelings, and the dad who stopped meditating because he got lost in thought or zoned out are just two of many people who’ve told me that they were drawn to meditation because they wanted to fix something in their lives that seemed broken—a similar pathway to the one that I took decades ago. Imagine my surprise when meditation turned the very notion of self-improvement on its head. Trading perfectionism for being more present with friends, family, and colleagues was an eye-opener for me, and I caught a glimpse of psychological freedom. In The Wisdom of No Escape, Pema Chödrön, one of the foremost American teachers of Tibetan Buddhism, writes, “When people start to meditate or to work with any kind of spiritual discipline, they often think that somehow they’re going to improve, which is a sort of subtle aggression against who they really are. It’s a bit like saying, ‘If I jog, I’ll be a much better person.’” She continues, “Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.” Being our own best friend requires a shift in perspective away from self-improvement and toward acceptance of what’s happening within and around us. When we accept that strong, painful feelings, like restlessness, fear, anger, and sadness, will show up from time to time, we normalize uncomfortable feelings and learn that we can tolerate them. For children, this shift in perspective looks something like this: “It’s really hard to sit still right now, and that’s OK. Everyone feels that way sometimes. I can sit here and feel my body, feel all the energy I have—my heart beating fast, my legs and hands wanting to move—and I can take a breath, listen to sounds, and become curious about how I feel and how my feelings change, and I’ll be OK.”
Many contemplative traditions start meditation training with mindful breathing, and some of them end there. It’s a remarkably simple and profound practice that’s not always easy to do. In the next game, Mindful Breathing, kids relax and focus on the physical sensation of their breath as it moves in and out of their bodies. Children don’t deliberately change the pace or intensity of their breathing, as they do when they breathe on purpose; instead, they allow their breathing to ebb and flow naturally. In Living Beautifully, Pema Chödrön explains, “The breath goes out and dissolves into space, then we breathe in again. This continues without any need to make it happen or control it. Each time the breath goes out, we simply let it go. Whatever occurs—our thoughts or emotions or sounds or movement in the environment—we train in accepting it without any value judgments.” For children and teenagers, noticing and accepting the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that happen within them, along with the noises, movements, and distractions that happen outside of them, looks something like this:
My term paper is due tomorrow; I’ll never finish it in time. OK, that’s just thinking. I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out. It makes me mad that I wasn’t invited to my friend’s birthday party. OK, that’s thinking, too. Breathing in, breathing out. I can’t meditate with all the noise in the hallway. Thinking. OK. I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out, I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out. My nose itches. That’s a sensation, but I’m going to label everything that comes to mind “thinking.” In, out, in, out. My thoughts have started to slow down. Shoot, that’s more thinking! In, out, in, out, in. I can’t believe it! I’ve stopped thinking about my breathing! Argh, I’m thinking again. OK, label it “thinking.” I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out.
mindful breathing
We pay close attention to the feeling of breathing to help us relax and rest in the moment.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing |
TARGET AGES All Ages |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Lie on your back with your legs flat on the floor and your arms by your sides. If you like, you can close your eyes.
2. Feel the back of your head touching the floor; now feel your shoulders against the floor; feel your upper back, arms, hands, lower back, legs, and feet.
3. Now notice what it feels like to breathe in and out. There’s no right or wrong way to breathe—it doesn’t matter if your breathing is fast or slow, deep or shallow.
4. Notice where you feel your breathing most. Do you feel the air going in and out just beneath your nose? Do you feel your belly moving up and down? Do you feel your lungs filling with air?
5. Pick the strongest of these sensations and pay careful attention to that area for a few breaths.
6. Now try paying close attention to your inhale. Can you notice the very moment you start to breathe in and then follow the feeling of your inhale all the way to the very first moment of your out-breath? If it’s hard to keep your mind on your inhale, silently say the word “in” every time you breathe in.
Let children try this for a minute or two.
7. Can you notice the very moment you begin to breathe out and then follow the feeling of your exhale all the way to the very first moment of your in-breath? If it’s hard to keep your mind on your exhale, silently say the word “out” every time you breathe out.
Let children try this for a few breaths.
8. Let’s put it together and pay attention to an entire breath, carefully following every moment. If it’s hard to keep your mind on your breathing, silently say the word “in” every time you breathe in and the word “out” every time you breathe out.
Let children try this for a few breaths.
9. Let’s check how our bodies feel now. Feel the back of your head touching the floor; now feel your shoulders against the floor; feel your upper back, arms, hands, lower back, legs, and feet.
10. When you’re ready, open your eyes and sit up slowly to finish. Take a breath and notice how you feel.
TIPS
1. Lying down is often children’s favorite meditation posture, but Mindful Breathing can also be practiced sitting or standing.
2. If it’s difficult for kids to stay still when they practice Mindful Breathing while sitting or standing, they often find it helpful to sway from side to side slowly and with control.
3. Given the wide range of information kids process every moment, it’s no wonder that narrowing their field of attention to focus on the sensation of breathing can be difficult to do. That’s why these instructions include a strategy that’s been used by meditators for generations: when it’s hard to focus on your breathing, silently say the word “in” when you breathe in and “out” when you breathe out.
4. Give children and teenagers an opportunity to talk about their feelings and experiences after leading Mindful Breathing (or any introspective activity). Check-ins can range from a few words from each person to a full discussion.
5. From time to time, have children check and see if their bodies are tense, and encourage them to relax.
Resting a light pillow (or other soft object that has a little heft to it) on new meditators’ bellies helps them Focus on the sensation of breathing. In the next game, young children place a stuffed animal on their tummies and pretend that they’re rocking it to sleep with the up and down movements of their breathing. For older children or teens, substitute a pillow, cushion, or other soft, weighted object for the stuffed animal.
rock-a-bye
We pretend to rock a stuffed animal to sleep on our bellies to relax our bodies and quiet our minds. As we breathe in, the animal rocks up; as we breathe out, the animal rocks back down.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing |
TARGET AGES Young Children (with a modification for Older Children and Teens) |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Lie on your back with your legs flat on the floor and your arms by your sides. If you like, you can close your eyes. Now I’m going to place a stuffed animal on your belly.
2. Feel the back of your head touching the floor. Now feel your shoulders, upper back, arms, hands, lower back, legs, and feet. You can pat the stuffed animal on your tummy and notice what that feels like, too.
3. Now notice what it feels like to breathe in and out, moving the animal up and down with your breathing. How does your body feel? Is your mind busy?
Wait about one to three minutes before moving to the next instruction.
4. If it’s hard to keep your mind on your breathing, silently say the word “up” every time the animal moves up and silently say the word “down” every time the animal moves down.
5. Let’s check how our bodies feel now. Feel the back of your head touching the floor; now feel your shoulders against the floor; feel your upper back, arms, hands, lower back, legs, and feet.
6. When you’re ready, open your eyes and sit up slowly to finish. Take a breath and notice how you feel. Do you feel different than you felt before?
Minds are designed for thinking, yet thinking has a way of distracting meditators with stories about their pasts and futures. Counting is often used as an anchor for new meditators’ attention because it takes advantage of their innate tendency to think while narrowing what they’re thinking about to a single word. Counting is a familiar strategy to quiet busy minds outside of meditation circles, too. People who suffer from insomnia have long been encouraged to count sheep or count backwards when they have trouble falling asleep. The contemplative scholar Dr. Alan Wallace, author of many books on mindfulness and meditation, including Genuine Happiness: Meditation as the Path to Fulfillment, calls counting breaths “training wheels for meditation” because counting keeps a meditator’s mind occupied until her thoughts slow and can settle down.
counting breaths
We count breaths to develop concentration. Just like playing a sport or an instrument, the more we practice, the better we are at concentrating.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing |
TARGET AGES All Ages |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Sit with your back straight and body relaxed, resting your hands gently on your knees.
2. Breathe in naturally and silently say, “One” in your mind. Then relax your forehead as you breathe out.
Raise one finger and wait for everyone to breathe in and out.
3. Let’s do it again. Breathe in naturally and silently say, “Two” in your mind. Then relax your neck and shoulders as you breathe out.
Raise two fingers.
4. Now breathe in and silently say, “Three” in your mind and relax your tummy as you breathe out.
Raise three fingers.
5. Let’s try it again, but this time I’m not going to talk. Sync your breath to my hand motions, counting silently on your own. Don’t forget to relax as you breathe out.
6. Talking points: Did your mind get quiet when you were counting breaths? Did you feel relaxed? How long did it take? Did your mind get busy again, or did it stay quiet?
TIPS
1. Young children who aren’t ready to count in their heads can count breaths with their fingers. Ask them to sync their movements with yours as you hold up one, two, and three fingers.
2. The whole family can trade off leading three breaths at the kitchen table. The first person starts, silently leading three breaths by holding up one, then two, and finally three fingers. Whoever is sitting to this person’s right picks up the count by holding up one finger and leading the next series of three breaths. This continues around the table until everyone has had a turn.
3. Encourage kids to experiment with counting on the in-breath to help them feel energized and alert or on the out-breath to help them feel relaxed and calm.
4. For some older children, teens, and parents, it can be helpful to count from one to ten (rather than one to three) and others find that counting to a smaller number is more effective. Try each one to see what works best for you.
5. You can also count, “One, one, one” on the inhale:
• Ask children to silently say, “One, one, one . . .” for as long as they breathe in. Ask them to relax as they exhale.
• Repeat by having them silently count, “Two, two, two . . .” Again ask them to relax as they exhale.
• Continue this exercise for up to ten breaths.
• Try counting, “One, one, one” on the exhale rather than the inhale.
The following game includes a movement sequence that playfully develops young children’s self-awareness by giving them a felt sense of their bodies in relationship to nearby people and objects. Here are a couple of tips to keep in mind before you lead the game: It’s helpful to have a picture of a grandfather clock handy to show young children what a pendulum looks like; and, the instructions are written with the children sitting on the floor, but kids can also play Tick Tock standing or sitting in a chair.
tick-tock
We sway from side to side, like a pendulum on a clock, while chanting a rhyme. This game helps us develop body awareness and practice moving our bodies with control.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing |
TARGET AGES Young Children |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Talking points: What sound does a clock make? Does anyone know what a grandfather clock is? Does anyone know what a pendulum is?
2. Now we’re going to practice swaying side to side like the pendulum of a grandfather clock. Sit with your back straight and your body relaxed, resting your hands on the floor at your sides.
3. Let’s all raise our right hands together. Put your hand on the floor next to you and lean your body to the right. Now push your body to the left and catch your weight with your left hand on the floor. And now rock back to the right hand again. Can you feel your body moving right, center, and left?
4. Now let’s say, “Tick-tock” as we sway from side to side. “Tick-tock, tick-tock . . .”
5. We’re going to stop swaying soon, so let’s all say this rhyme together: “Tick—tock—like a—clock—until—I find—my center—STOP.”
6. Let’s end just like we started, with backs straight and bodies relaxed. Rest your hands on your knees and take a few breaths.
TIPS
1. Counting Breaths with hand gestures is a fun and effective way to extend Tick-Tock. After children say “stop,” hold up one finger. Everyone takes one breath. Hold up a second finger, and everyone takes another breath. Everyone takes a third breath when you hold up a third finger.
2. Another popular extension to Tick-Tock is Fading Tone, a mindful listening game for young children that comes later in the book.
3. You can also rock back and forth to the beat of a drum.