When children and teenagers practice visualization, they anchor their attention on an image in their heads and on the sensations that they associate with it. Because children are focusing on one thing to the exclusion of everything else, visualizations are anchor games that develop Focus and the spotlight of attention. The visualizations in this chapter are based on loving-kindness practices, a core element of the classical meditation canon. Loving-kindness adds a meaningful layer to anchor games by inspiring a deep appreciation for all living things while cultivating empathy and nurturing compassion.
imaginary hugs
We picture our family, our friends, and ourselves in a peaceful place where we are happy, healthy, and having fun.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing, Caring | TARGET AGES Young Children |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Talking points: What does it mean to pretend that you’re doing something else or that you are someplace else? What does it feel like to hug someone you care about? If someone you’d like to hug isn’t in the same room with you, can you give them an imaginary hug, anyway? Let’s try it.
2. Sit with your back straight and your body relaxed, resting your hands gently on your knees. Close your eyes, and let’s take a few breaths together. I’ll keep my eyes open and watch the room.
3. Imagine a peaceful place that you would like to visit with your friends and family. It can be a place you know (your backyard), a place you know about but haven’t visited yet (another country), or an imaginary place (the Hundred Acre Wood from Winnie-the-Pooh).
When practicing with more than one child, ask children to put one hand on their heads when they’ve chosen a place. Wait until everyone has a peaceful place in mind before you continue.
4. Imagine that you can feel, see, touch, hear, taste, or smell something in your peaceful place. Maybe you smell delicious chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven or hear the sound of water splashing against the rocks in a waterfall.
5. Now, let’s send friendly wishes to ourselves. Give yourself a big hug, imagine you’re having fun in your peaceful place, and silently say to yourself something like: “I hope I have a great day. I hope I have lots of fun playing with my friends.” You can use these wishes or choose other wishes and say them silently in your own words.
6. Next, we’re going to give someone we love an imaginary hug. Make your arms into a circle in front of your chest and think of someone you’d like to hug. Imagine that he or she is with you in your peaceful place. Picture him or her smiling and imagine that you’re hugging each other. Then silently say something like: “I hope you are happy and have a great day. I hope you have what you need.”
7. Are there more people you’d like to hug and invite to your peaceful place? Open your arms wide enough so that everyone can fit. Picture all of them smiling and laughing and imagine you’re giving everyone a group hug. Then silently send friendly wishes, like these: “I want all of you to be happy, healthy, and strong. I hope you have fun today and feel lots of love from your family and friends.”
8. With arms stretched out wide, imagine that the whole planet is a peaceful place and that you are hugging the planet as you silently say: “I hope everyone is happy today. I want all of us to be healthy and safe and to feel peaceful and content.” Remember, you can silently say these wishes or choose your own wishes and put them in your own words.
9. Now open your eyes. Reach your hands high up to the sky as you take a big breath in, and as you breathe out, lower your hands to your knees.
10. Talking points: What did it feel like to give yourself a hug and to send yourself a friendly wish? How did it feel to give someone else an imaginary hug and send friendly wishes to them?
TIPS
1. It’s tough for children to picture something in their heads when their eyes are open; yet some kids are not comfortable closing their eyes, especially in a room full of people. That’s why we suggest you mention that you’ll keep your eyes open and watch the room.
2. When kids feel upset, they can soothe themselves with a hug. Add another self-soothing, sensory element to Imaginary Hugs by asking young children to pat themselves on the back to congratulate themselves for a job well done. They can do this before the game, for what they’ve they just completed—their homework or helping out in the kitchen—or else afterward, for practicing kindness by sending friendly wishes.
3. The check-in that follows this game is an opportunity to remind children of other sensory experiences they can use to soothe and calm themselves: singing or listening to music (hearing); taking a bubble bath (feeling); slowly eating something delicious (tasting); walking in nature (seeing); or placing a hand on their hearts to feel their breathing (feeling).
Imaginary Hugs is my go-to game with young children for sending friendly wishes. When sharing kindness games with older children and teens, I start with the next visualization instead. Here’s an important caution for parents to keep in mind when leading any kindness visualization: It’s easy for children and teens to misinterpret these games as gentle nudges to change how they feel about a specific person or a group of people—in other words, for them to like someone they don’t like. In practice, however, kindness visualizations don’t ask kids to change their feelings, only to keep an open mind. Just as the appreciation games Life Is Good and Three Good Things develop a holistic mind-set that includes everyday blessings together with everyday challenges, kindness games invite kids to hold seemingly conflicting ideas in mind simultaneously. Before leading kindness visualizations, remind kids that there are plenty of healthy reasons not to like people and not to spend time with people whom they don’t respect or who don’t treat them well. What’s important is that older children and teens remember that they can have more than one feeling about someone; they can wish someone well, even though they don’t like or respect him or her.
Kindness visualizations can bring up strong emotions that feel overwhelming regardless of a meditator’s age. It’s better not to insist that a child or teenager send friendly wishes if they’re not comfortable doing so, but it makes sense to suggest that they try a different game before moving on to something else. Kindness with Every Step is a good choice for kids who find kindness visualizations to be difficult or have a hard time staying still; Wishes for the World is a good alternative for young children; and sending friendly wishes to an adorable animal is another way to modify kindness games so that they are less challenging. If a child or teenager doesn’t feel comfortable with any of these alternatives, that’s OK; just move on to another activity, perhaps one of the relational mindfulness games that come later in the book.
friendly wishes
We imagine that everyone is happy, safe, healthy, and living in peace, in order to practice kindness and concentration.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing, Caring | TARGET AGES All Ages |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Lie on your back with your legs flat on the floor and your arms by your sides. If you like, you can close your eyes.
2. Feel the back of your head resting against the floor or pillow; feel your arms and hands relaxing into the ground; feel your back, your legs, and your feet relaxing, too.
3. Now we’re going to send some friendly wishes together.
Guide children through the following visualization (or something similar in your own words).
4. Imagine that you feel happy. Imagine that you’re smiling, laughing, and having fun. Even if you’re not feeling happy right now, that’s OK. Just imagine that you’re laughing, playing with your friends, or doing something that you love to do.
5. Then silently say something like this: “I want to be happy and helpful today. I hope that I’m healthy and strong. I hope I feel peaceful and content. I want to feel lots of love.” You can use these wishes or choose your own wishes and silently say them in your own words.
6. Now imagine that your wishes create a warm feeling that grows when you pay attention to it. Imagine the warm feeling starts near your heart. As you silently say the friendly wishes, the feeling reaches out to your fingers, toes, and the top of your head. This warm feeling fills up your whole body.
7. Imagine that this feeling has a color—it can be any color you want. Maybe it’s blue, red, or yellow. Imagine this beautiful color has filled your whole body, and as it grows it spills out of your fingers, and your toes, and into the room.
8. Imagine that the other people in the room can feel this warm feeling and see this beautiful color, too. They’re smiling and happy. Silently say to them: “I hope that you’re strong and healthy. I want you to feel peaceful, safe, and content. I hope you have what you need and feel lots of love.” Silently repeat these wishes or choose other wishes and put them into your own words.
9. Picture the cozy, warm feeling you’re creating and imagine the beautiful color has grown so big that it’s bursting out of the room. Imagine that the warm feeling keeps growing, and growing, until it reaches everyone and everything on the planet. Imagine that everyone you want to feel your friendly wishes can feel them. Picture them smiling because they sense that you’re wishing them well. Silently say: “I hope you’re happy and have what you need. I hope you feel strong and healthy. I hope you feel loved, valued, and taken care of. I hope you feel content.” You can use these wishes or choose your own wishes and say them in your own words.
10. When you’re ready, open your eyes and feel your body against the floor again. Sit up slowly to finish. Take a breath and notice how you feel.
11. Talking points: Name some wishes that you’d like to send to other people, to the planet, and to yourself. How do you feel when you send friendly wishes?
TIPS
1. In the earlier section on Quieting, kids considered different ways that their minds affect their bodies and their bodies affect their minds. You can extend these conversations to kindness visualizations by asking if children notice a difference between how they feel before and how they feel after they send friendly wishes.
The next game for young children encourages empathy and compassion. It starts as a concentration game that develops Focus, using breath as an anchor, and becomes a kindness visualization that develops Focus by using a mental image as an anchor. Make sure to have stuffed animals or other soft, slightly weighted objects, like pillows, bean bags, or cushions, to place on the children’s tummies.
rock-a-bye with friendly wishes
We pretend to rock a stuffed animal to sleep on our bellies to relax our bodies and quiet our minds. As we breathe in, the animal rocks up; as we breathe out, the animal rocks back down.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing, Caring |
TARGET AGES Young Children (with a modification for Older Children and Teens) |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Lie on your back with your legs flat on the floor and your arms by your sides. If you like, you can close your eyes. Now I’m going to place a stuffed animal on your belly.
For older children or teens, you may substitute a pillow, cushion, or other soft, weighted object.
2. Feel the back of your head touching the floor. Now feel your shoulders, upper back, arms, hands, lower back, legs, and feet. You can pat the stuffed animal on your tummy and notice what that feels like, too.
3. Now notice what it feels like to breathe in and out, moving the animal up and down with your breathing. Does anything change in your mind and body when you rest like this?
Wait about one to three minutes before moving to the next instruction.
4. If it’s hard to focus on your breathing, silently say the word “up” every time your stuffed animal moves up and silently say the word “down” every time your stuffed animal moves down.
5. Check how your body feels now. Feel the back of your head touching the floor; now feel your shoulders against the floor; feel your upper back, arms, hands, lower back, legs, and feet.
6. We’ll end by sending friendly wishes. Let’s start with ourselves. Silently say these wishes, or you can choose other wishes and say them in your own words: “I’d like to be happy, helpful, and strong today. I hope I have fun with my friends and my family.”
7. Next, picture someone you would like to wish well, and when you’re ready, silently say: “I hope you are happy, healthy, and strong. I hope you feel peaceful and have fun today with your family and friends.” Silently repeat these wishes or choose other wishes and put them into your own words.
8. Are there more people you’d like to send friendly wishes to? Picture them in your head and silently say: “I want you to be happy, strong, and healthy. I want you to feel peaceful and safe. I hope you have a great day.” Repeat these wishes or choose other wishes you’d like to send to your friends and family and say them silently.
9. Now let’s send friendly wishes to everyone on the planet. In your own words, silently say something like: “I hope everyone is happy, healthy, safe, and living in peace.”
10. Now open your eyes, feel your body against the floor again, and sit up slowly. Reach your hands high up to the sky as you take a big breath in, and as you breathe out, lower your hands to your knees.
Regardless of age, it’s common for meditators to find it hard to send themselves friendly wishes. It’s also common for it to be difficult, if not impossible, for meditators of any age to send good wishes to someone who has treated them badly. Dr. Trudy Goodman, founder and guiding teacher of InsightLA, offers an innovative way to Reframe the next game—Friendly Wishes for Difficult People—for kids who have trouble with it. When children understand that sending friendly wishes is for their own benefit, rather than for the benefit of the difficult person, sending friendly wishes can be a simple yet liberating way for them to let go of painful feelings like helplessness, anger, or frustration. Recognizing that the difficult person would probably be less difficult if he or she felt happier and more confident is another way Goodman encourages children to Reframe the game. Friendly Wishes for Difficult People doesn’t mean that kids need to change the way they feel about someone, nor that they should like someone whom they don’t like. Equally important, it doesn’t mean that they’ll be better people if they spend time with someone whom they find it difficult to be with. The check-ins after kindness games are excellent opportunities to remind kids that it’s smart to steer clear of challenging people, especially those who aren’t kind or who make choices that aren’t in their own best interests or the best interests of others.
It’s important to keep a few things in mind when leading Friendly Wishes for Difficult People. As a practical matter, making a distinction between wishing someone well and liking someone is developmentally over the heads of young children. Encourage teens and older children to choose a person who “bugs” them or “gets on their nerves,” not someone for whom their negative feelings are very strong. And remind kids that the people who bug and annoy them the most might also be the people whom they love the most. This can be a helpful discovery for children with siblings who get on their nerves.
friendly wishes for difficult people
We think of a person we find “difficult” and wish him or her well.
LIFE SKILLS Reframing, Caring, Connecting |
TARGET AGES Older Children, Teens |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Lie down or sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes.
2. Bring to mind an image of a person who is difficult for you to be around but whom you’d like to wish well.
3. Imagine that you feel happy. Imagine that you’re smiling, laughing, and having fun. Don’t worry if you don’t feel happy right now. Just picture yourself laughing, hanging out with friends, or doing something that you love to do.
4. Then, in your own words, silently say something like: “I’d like to be happy. I want to feel healthy and strong. I hope to feel lots of love and to feel content and peaceful.”
5. Now imagine that this feeling is warm and that it grows when you pay attention to it. Imagine the warm feeling starts near your heart, and as you silently say friendly wishes to yourself, the warm feeling reaches all the way to your fingers and toes, to your face, and to the top of your head. Imagine the warm feeling has a color, and you can see the color move from your heart, through your body, and out into the room.
6. Bring back the image of the person you find difficult whom you’d like to wish well. Remember, you don’t need to change your feelings toward him or her. In your own words, silently say something like: “I want you to be healthy and content. I hope that you’re safe and feel peaceful.” Choose words and good wishes that you’re comfortable saying and repeat them silently.
7. Now open your eyes. If you’re lying down, sit up slowly. Take a breath and notice how you feel.
8. Talking points: How did you feel before you sent friendly wishes? Was it easy or hard to do? How did you feel after sending a difficult person friendly wishes? Did your perspective on that person change?
The room doesn’t need to be quiet and people don’t need to be still to send friendly wishes. Parents can send friendly wishes pushing a cart full of groceries through a busy supermarket, riding on a crowded train, or sitting behind the steering wheel in their car. Kids can send them waiting in the lunch line, riding the school bus, or sitting on the bleachers at a basketball game. And everyone can send friendly wishes as they walk along a busy sidewalk or sit in a loud theater waiting for a movie to begin.
In Slow and Silent Walking children anchored their attention to the sensations in their feet and legs while walking purposefully. In the next game, Kindness with Every Step, children walk silently, slowly, and purposefully too, but in this game every time they take a step they send a friendly wish. In both of these games children walk back and forth between a starting and an ending point. The instructions suggest that you use tape to mark where children start and stop walking and a bell to signal children when to begin. These tools aren’t necessary, though. Children can walk between any starting and ending point, and you can cue them verbally.
kindness with every step
We walk slowly and purposefully. Every time we step, we silently send a friendly wish.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing, Caring |
TARGET AGES All Ages |
1. You’ll begin at one line and slowly walk to the other line. Every time you step, you’ll silently send a friendly wish. Keep your gaze downward to make it easier to concentrate.
2. When I ring the bell, start walking slowly toward the other line. Ring the bell.
3. Silently send yourself a friendly wish every time you step. “I want to be happy and strong. I hope I feel peaceful and content. May my old hurts fade away.” You can use these wishes or choose wishes that you’re more comfortable saying and repeat them silently.
4. When you get to the other line, slowly turn around and wait until you hear the bell—that will be your signal to start walking again. While you’re waiting, keep sending friendly wishes to yourself.
Wait until everyone gets to the other line and then ring the bell.
5. Let’s walk back to the first line. This time, silently send a friendly wish to someone you love every time you step. In your own words, say something like: “I hope that you’re happy. I want you to be safe, strong, and healthy.” When you get to the other line, slowly turn around and wait until you hear the bell—that will be your signal to start walking again. While you’re waiting, keep sending friendly wishes.
Ring the bell.
6. Let’s do it again. This time, every time you take a step silently send a friendly wish to someone you don’t know well or someone you don’t know at all. In your own words, say something like: “I hope you are content. I want you to have what you need.” When you get to the other line, slowly turn around and wait until you hear the bell signaling you to start walking again. While you’re waiting, keep sending friendly wishes.
When leading this game for young children, omit step number 7 and move directly to number 8.
7. This time, when you walk from one line to the other, silently send a friendly wish to a difficult person every time you step, if that’s something you’re comfortable doing. Choose someone who bugs you or who gets on your nerves, but not someone whom you have very strong negative feelings about. In your own words, say something like: “I hope you are happy. I hope you feel peaceful and content.” Choose words and wishes that you’re comfortable saying and repeat them silently. If you don’t want to send friendly wishes to a difficult person, that’s OK. Choose someone else instead or send friendly wishes to your pet or to yourself. When you get to the other line, slowly turn around and wait until you hear the bell. While you’re waiting, keep sending friendly wishes.
8. Now, every time you take a step silently send a friendly wish to the planet, along with everyone and everything living on it. In your own words say something like: “I’d like everyone to be happy, healthy, and safe. I want all of us to be strong and live together peacefully. I hope that everyone has what he or she needs.”
After some practice, you won’t need to mark lines on the floor, and children will be ready to walk longer distances.
TIPS
1. Vary this game to emphasize the theme Appreciation (rather than Kindness) by playing Thankful with Every Step. Just follow the instructions for Kindness with Every Step but every time children take a step, silently have them say “thank you” to someone (or about something) they appreciate.
A growing body of research shows that classical loving-kindness practices have a beneficial long-term impact on adults, even in small doses. In Psychology Today’s online magazine, Dr. Emma M. Seppälä from the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, and the author of The Happiness Track, posted a practical, easy-to-understand review of current research on the effect of kindness visualizations on adults. Studies have found that kindness visualizations improve (1) emotional intelligence, by activating empathy and emotional processing in the brain; (2) the stress response, by decreasing a chromosomal marker of aging known as telomere length; (3) social connection, by making us more helpful people, increasing compassion, increasing empathy, decreasing our biases toward others, and increasing our sense of social connection; (4) self-love, by curbing self-criticism; and (5) well-being, by increasing positive emotions, decreasing negative emotions, and increasing vagal tone. (Remember the vagus nerve from the section on Quieting? It’s a complex cranial nerve that’s sometimes referred to as the most important nerve in the body because it supports social engagement and mental well-being.)
The internal progression in kindness visualizations, in which children and teenagers wish themselves well first, before sending goodwill to other people and the community, tracks a sequence they’ve explored before. The sequential progression of the ABCs starts with self-awareness and the development of attention and balance, and then it moves to awareness of others and the development of compassion. Kids zoom in and take a look at what’s happening inside them before zooming out and taking a look at the bigger picture of what’s happening around them. Friendly Wishes folds this process of zooming in and zooming out into one introspective activity. Zooming in reminds children to be kind to themselves, and zooming out reminds them to be kind to other people and the planet.