Meditation looks easy. How could sitting on a cushion and doing nothing be hard? Yet when I first learned to meditate, it reminded me of playing with a Russian nesting doll: open it and there’s another just like it inside, only smaller, and then another, and several more, until the littlest doll is finally revealed. There seemed to be layers beneath layers of theory that I needed to understand before I could truly practice. Friends and colleagues had recommended several books, and I was having a hard time sorting through the different methods and terms; the progression of concepts and techniques seemed endless. But I stayed with it, and eventually meditation became a respite rather than a struggle. I finally had the littlest doll in hand. I wrote this book with the hope that it would make unpacking these ideas easier for other parents than it was for me and simple enough to share with their children.
A growing body of scientific research supports what contemplatives have known for centuries: mindfulness and meditation develop a set of life skills that allow children, teens, and parents to relate to what’s happening within and around them with more wisdom and compassion. Mindful Games teaches six of these life skills—Focusing, Quieting, Seeing, Reframing, Caring, and Connecting. I present them in a circle with Focusing at the center because steady, flexible attention supports the other five.
Here’s how they work together:
When children and teenagers focus on an experience in the present moment (the feeling of breathing, perhaps, or the sounds in a room), their minds tend to quiet, and a space opens up in their heads that allows them to see what’s going on more clearly. As they become aware of what’s happening in their minds and bodies, kids learn to use sense impressions (“I’m feeling restless,” for instance, or “I have butterflies in my stomach”) as cues to stop and reflect before speaking or acting. Through this process they become less reactive and more conscious of what’s going on within and around them. Rather than focusing on the result, they focus on responding to the situation with wisdom and compassion. The qualities caring and connecting emerge naturally as children and teens see the web of relationships, causes, and conditions that lead up to each moment. Then they have an opportunity to reframe how they view a situation and can choose to speak and act in a way that’s aligned with those qualities. These six life skills are scaffolded so that transforming attention (Quieting, Focusing) leads to transforming emotion (Seeing, Reframing), which leads to transforming speech, actions, and relationships (Caring, Connecting), a progression that’s drawn from classical meditation training.
Over thousands of years, contemplatives have compiled an extensive catalog that maps our inner and outer worlds. I narrowed the catalog down to two lists that I introduce to kids and their parents through games, stories, guided visualizations, and demonstrations. The circle of six life skills is the first of those lists. The second list is made up of universal themes that inform a wise and compassionate worldview. They are:
Acceptance | Discernment |
An open mind | Empathy |
Appreciation | Everything changes |
Attention (the spotlight and | Interdependence |
| the floodlight) | Joy |
Attunement | Kindness |
Behavioral restraint | Motivation |
Cause and effect | Patience |
Clarity | Present moment |
Compassion | Self-compassion |
Contemplative restraint | Wise confidence |
Inherent in mindfulness and meditation are qualities that are mysterious, and trying to crack the code by boiling these qualities down to a couple of lists might seem to be missing this point entirely. I’m emboldened by other mysterious creative codes, however, such as jazz, where musicians study a circle of fifths and practice scales to fuel artistic qualities inherent in improvisation that are beyond description. Like jazz musicians, meditators study a set of themes and practice a set of life skills to fuel qualities inherent in mindfulness and meditation that are hard to pin down. In both creative disciplines, practitioners know these mysterious qualities when they see them, not because they’re able to put them into words, but because they can feel them. There’s an old saying that wisdom and compassion are like two wings of a bird and we need both to fly. The conceptual themes and practical life skills learned through mindfulness and meditation develop wisdom and compassion. Working together, they offer a degree of psychological freedom that, ideally, will help kids and their families to soar through life’s difficulties, just as a bird takes flight and soars through the sky.
Perhaps what I like best about mindful games is that they offer parents and children a unique opportunity for coteaching and colearning. It’s no surprise that many parents report that activities designed for kids offer them a way into meditation that they hadn’t been able to access before. Which brings me to this important point: as parents, our own mindfulness has a powerful effect on everyone in our lives, especially on our children. They notice when we’re calm, composed, and joyful, and they learn from our examples. How we steer our course through the world directly affects how secure they feel and how they move through the world. That’s why I encourage parents to develop their own mindfulness first, by reflecting on the themes in this book and playing the games on their own, before sharing them with children.
Mindful games are written for youth, but don’t let that fact fool you. They can be just as much fun and life changing for parents and for anyone who has a meaningful relationship with a child or teenager. Teachers, therapists, grandparents, aunts, uncles, troop leaders, and camp counselors, these games are for you, too. Ready to give one a try? Just relax and feel your feet.
feeling my feet
We pay attention to the feeling of the bottoms of our feet against the ground in order to relax, concentrate, and become aware of what’s happening in this moment.
LIFE SKILLS Focusing, Caring |
TARGET AGES All Ages |
LEADING THE GAME
1. Sit or stand with your back straight and your body relaxed. Breathe naturally and notice what’s happening in your body and mind right now.
2. Keep your body relaxed. If you’re standing, keep your knees soft.
3. Now move your attention to the bottoms of your feet and notice how they feel against the ground. Let the thoughts and emotions that bubble up in your mind come and go.
4. Are you feeling your feet now? If not, don’t worry. It’s natural for your mind to wander. Just move your attention back to the bottoms of your feet to begin again.
TIPS
1. Focusing on a sensation like they do in Feeling My Feet helps children calm themselves when they feel overly excited or upset.
2. Vary the physical sensation that you ask kids to notice. For instance, ask children to feel the cool doorknob against the palm of their hands when they open the door, the warm water and soap-suds when they wash their hands, or the soft wool against their ankles and feet when they pull on their socks.
3. Consistency is more important than the length of time that children play mindful games, especially at first.