Here comes the most useful bit of information in this book: happiness is watching your eleven-year-old brother trying to get into a six-year-old’s fairy dress.
Oh yes! When Mum had first mentioned the woodland party, my idea had been that James should wear my old fairy costume. He wasn’t happy about it, not happy AT ALL! But by the time the next afternoon had arrived, James had realised that he didn’t have much choice.
We all spent about twenty minutes watching him stick his feet through the legholes of the leotard and then roll around the floor as he tried to pull the shoulder straps up. It was no good, he could only do it if he was bent double, and instead of a fairy he looked like a squashed fly.
Obviously the fairy outfit wasn’t going to work, but what else could James use for a woodland party costume? It isn’t every day that you get a chance to make your big brother wear absolutely anything you want. I was tugging at my hair like I do when I’m having a think when suddenly: ‘I know where there’s a costume!’ I said. ‘In the shed!’
‘There’s only a few spades and the hosepipe,’ said Dad. ‘And that smelly old red armchair.’
‘Perfect,’ I said. Everybody looked at me like I’d gone bonkers, but I hadn’t.
Soon James was standing outside the shed with the big flat cushion from the armchair tied across the top of his head. Mum had brought out an old white sheet and Tilly helped her wrap it all round James’s body and fix it with safety pins. It turned out even better than I thought it would! Can you guess what James was supposed to be? I’ll give you a clue: what’s this book called?
Yes indeed James had turned into the perfect giant mushroom with a white stalk and a red top. What’s more, he had to stay that way: ‘. . . or you’re not coming to the party!’ said Tilly strictly.
It got even better when Dad tipped the recycling bin out and found a load of round lids from jam jars and pickled onion pots. We got some tape and stuck the lids all over the cushion because it’s a fact that magic woodland mushrooms are always spotty. It’s true, you ask anyone. By the time we’d finished James looked like a total whoopsie, and the best bit was that the sheet round his legs meant that he could only move along by doing little jumps and that made all the lids come loose and rattle about. Was that wicked or what? Ha ha ha ha ha!
‘Don’t you DARE tell my friends about this,’ James warned me.
Honestly James! He really shouldn’t go giving me ideas. And just then I looked over the fence and spotted Martha staring down at us from her bedroom window. She had a big laugh on her face.
‘Don’t worry James,’ I said to him, but I knew Martha was listening. ‘I couldn’t tell your friends even if I wanted to. I don’t have their phone numbers.’
‘Good,’ said James.
When I looked back at Martha’s window, she was gone. Martha quite likes to kick a football with the boys sometimes, and she DID have their numbers. She knew they wouldn’t want to miss this!
‘It’s time to go,’ said Tilly. ‘Or we’ll be late.’
It took James ages to waddle, hop and shuffle himself in the back door and through to our hallway. Tilly ran ahead and opened the front door. Odd Street was all very quiet so James took a deep breath and then jumped out, hopped down our little front path and on to the pavement. Ping dang doddle! went all the lids.
As you should know by now, Ellie Slippin and all her lot are only two doors along at number 9, but James could only do his silly little jumps. It took him ages to get there, with Tilly the fairy skipping round and round him turning him into a banana, a cheese stick and an umbrella along the way.
‘OH WOW OH WOW OH WOW!’ came Ivy’s voice as we passed number 7. She had seen us out of their downstairs window. ‘THAT IS SO . . . OH WOW!’
Ivy was making so much noise that the Slippin front door opened and Ellie came out. She’s a bit nervous is Ellie, so as soon as she saw James, she hurried out past their little front flower bed and came to stand behind me for safety.
‘I have bad dreams about giant mushrooms,’ said Ellie. ‘They scare me.’
‘Don’t worry Ellie, they can’t hurt you,’ I told her.
‘They can when they’ve got vampire teeth and machine guns,’ said Ellie.
Poor Ellie. James must have been the most unscary thing ever, but I could feel her shaking behind me. By this time a whole crowd of pixies, elves, goblins and other fairies had come pouring out of the front door. Flozzy and her friends were all a lot smaller than James, and as soon as they saw him they gathered around to stand under his sofa cushion and do a happy little woodland dance.
‘What a lovely costume, James,’ said a big jolly gnome who turned out to be Ellie’s uncle. ‘Let’s have a photo of everybody, and I want you in the middle.’
FLASH went the camera. All the little girls rushed over to see themselves on the little screen, leaving James standing awkwardly by the gate.
‘Oh James, you were looking down,’ said the gnome. ‘All we can see is the cushion. We’ll have one more, but this time James, let’s see your face and give us a big smile. Say cheese.’
All the little girls ran back giggling and hugged James’s legs. The big gnome was holding the camera all ready. James was staring at the ground but he knew he was going to have to get this over with. He took a deep breath then looked up and did a big sunny smile . . .
‘Cheeeeeeeeeese!’
. . . Just as two boys in football kit rode past on their bikes.
‘Hey look, it’s JAMES!’ screamed Matty the goalkeeper. ‘What team do you think YOU’RE on, James?’
‘Wait till we tell the others!’ cried Liam.
‘Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . !’ They were laughing so much that I thought they were going to fall off their bikes.
‘Come back here you two!’ screamed James. He tried to run after them. Ping tinkle dinkle! went all the lids.
‘Oh no!’ whimpered Ellie clutching my arm. ‘It’s a giant mushroom that chases people! I’ve NEVER been so scared in my WHOLE LIFE!’
But James had forgotten about the sheet round his legs. Hop hop . . . plop! James fell over and landed face-first in the flower bed.
By this time the other boys had shot off round the corner but we could still hear them laughing. Meanwhile James was struggling so hard to get up he didn’t realise he’d got a flower stuck to his ear. FLASH went the camera. ‘Sorry,’ said the big gnome and all the little girls giggled. ‘I couldn’t resist it, but at least I got your face that time.’
Even Ellie started to giggle. She went to help him up and said: ‘Thank you James. I’ll never be scared of mushrooms again.’
‘Get off me,’ sulked James crossly.
‘Be nice,’ I said to him. ‘And then maybe Ellie can arrange for you to help cut the cake up.’
James suddenly looked hopeful. ‘Oh yes! Can I?’
Ellie looked at me as if James had gone potty, so I explained. ‘He loves cutting cakes. It really makes his day, especially if you let him do it in private.’
So Ellie and the giant mushroom went inside on a cake-cutting mission, Flozzy and the little people danced around the big jolly gnome and Tilly turned me into an elephant. What a lovely happy ending to the story, don’t you think?
Only it isn’t the end yet.