Chapter Eighteen

Jenna followed Trevor down a few concrete steps to a small restaurant on the Lower East Side, nestled in the outskirts of a trendy neighborhood. The restaurant was situated in the bottom of an old brownstone that sat back from the street, hidden from view. She’d never heard about this place, and there wasn’t even a street sign marking it. Jenna glanced up at Trevor as he held the door for her and her heart pounded from nerves.

The warmth of the restaurant enveloped her as she walked through the door. She shook off her chill, breathing in the smell of candle wax, burgers, and fries. Without stopping for a hostess, Trevor led them to a small table near the very back of the restaurant. The table was covered in a black linen cloth, the woven texture matching the black textured wallpaper. Plush chairs, also covered in black linen, were pushed up tightly to the table. Trevor held her chair for her, and she slid forward as he sat across from her. His gaze was heavy on hers. In the dim candlelight, he was so handsome it was too much to handle. She picked up a stack of sugar packets from the white porcelain sugar dish, fiddling with them nervously.

He pointed to the packets. “Coffee?”

Jenna nodded, her teeth chattering too much to form words. Despite the warmth, she pulled her wrap tightly around her shoulders and blew into her hands, trying to shake off the last of her chill.

Although the place was nearly empty, a waitress all dressed in black and carrying a pot of coffee, took her time ambling over. She picked up her pace when she spotted Trevor in his tux.

“Hey, Trevor.” The waitress smiled at both of them. “Burgers—medium rare—and extra salty fries?”

Trevor turned to Jenna. “That okay for you?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Trevor reached out and took Jenna’s trembling hands in his as the waitress poured coffee into large, white, square-topped, porcelain mugs. He smiled as the waitress walked off.

Jenna wrapped her hands around the mug, warming her hands. “The coffee smells incredible. Come here a lot I’m guessing?”

He nodded, fixing her coffee with sugar and cream. “It’s an escape for me. I know with the darkness and candles it looks like a date place, but I come here alone to read…with a book light…” He chuckled, running his hand through his hair. “And just to escape Caspian sometimes. No one gives a damn about some stupid soap character in this part of the Village, and I love it. Actually”—he shifted in his seat as he spoke—“I’ve never before brought anyone here. Ever.”

“Then why bring me?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Really, Jen? You really don’t know?”

“Trevor…” Crap. This would be even harder than she anticipated.

“Drink up.” Trevor lifted his chin toward her mug. “I think it’s going to be a long night.”

Jenna nodded, lifting her mug to her lips, blowing on the coffee. How was she ever going to get through this? She shifted in her seat, but before she could utter a word, their burgers arrived. Trevor dug into his, but Jenna’s stomach was all tied up.

“You’re not hungry?”

“Not really.” She fiddled with her fork.

Trevor raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you pass on food. Okay.” He swallowed his bite and sighed as he pushed his plate aside. He leaned across the table and pushed hers away, too. He took her hands. “I want to be with you, Jenna. I—as cliché as this sounds—I was lost, and you showed me the man I wanted to be. I’m a better actor because of you, and a better person. I’m not talking about wanting some quickie romance, I’m talking about a commitment.”

Jenna leaned back in her seat. “Oh, crap.”

He chuckled. “Not exactly the response I wanted.” He smiled. “I know you like me…or am I wrong?”

“Of course you’re not wrong. I want to be with you more than anything. But it wouldn’t be fair to you, and I just…can’t.”

“But that’s what I don’t understand. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Okay, so you’re worried we’ll leave the city. I promise Jenna, no matter where life takes us, I will keep an apartment here. Always. And I don’t expect you to give up your career; you are incredibly talented. As a matter of fact, you’re a better actor than I am.”

“Trevor—”

“It’s true. All I want to do is to be with you and help you shoot to the stars.”

“You’re not making this any easier.”

“That’s my goal.” He smiled. “Jenna, no matter what you tell me, it won’t matter. By now my mind has imagined everything. I’ve guessed you belong to a devil-worshipping cult, from which I am prepared to save you.” He grinned. “You’ve already told me there’s no husband and no arranged marriage. I know you are not, nor have you ever been, a man.” He raised his eyebrows.

“Ha, ha.”

He shifted in his seat and leaned closer to her. “So as you can see, I’ve thought of everything.”

“Not everything.” Jenna gazed at the table.

“Jen, Jenna. Look at me.”

Jenna forced her gaze off her plate and onto Trevor.

“That’s better.” Trevor brushed a stray hair away from her face.

His touch made her dizzy.

His hand lingered. “Just tell me, Jen. Whatever it is. In case you didn’t notice, I just went all out back there. I told you how I feel about you, and nothing will change that. Nothing.”

Jenna swallowed hard, gathering her courage. “Trevor, I don’t know how to begin.”

“Just tell me.”

“My mother blamed me for having to leave the city. If I had never been born, maybe my dad would have had an acting career, and she could have stayed. I owe her.” Jenna leaned forward, resting her forearms on the table. “What you don’t know is, like you, I support my sister. Not to the extent you do but I send my mother and my sister money every chance I can. I pay the salary for an extra employee, someone who does the job my mother thinks I should be doing. My plan is to keep my sister in school and not working at the laundry my mother owns.” She looked up at Trevor. “She—my sister, Olivia—she’s really incredibly smart. Wants to be a scientist. I want her to go to the best school she can.”

Trevor nodded.

Jenna sighed. “I’m an egg donor, Trevor.”

“A what?”

“I’m scheduled to donate my eggs to an infertile couple so they can make a baby.”

“Oh. I—uh…” Trevor sat back.

“Weren’t expecting that one, right?”

“I’m not quite sure I understand. When are you scheduled?”

“My retrieval is right after the show closes. That’s why I was on the pill, to regulate my cycle. I already started the hormones, which is why my body is changing. I saw you staring at my breasts in the car tonight.”

“Jenna, I think this happens all the time, right? I’m not sure I understand why you think this would keep us apart.”

“Because that’s only half of it. What Luis and Loretta know, it’s only part of it. The truth is, I’ve already donated. Twice. This would be my third time.” She swallowed hard.

“Third?”

“Yes.” She nodded. “That means there is already the potential that what could have been two of my children are right now either being born, or growing inside the belly of a very different mommy.” Jenna tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, composing herself. “I was okay with it when I knew I’d never be able to give my child what someone else could: riding lessons or theatre classes or family dates on Friday nights at paint-your-own-pottery places. But if I were with you—” She shook her head. “I don’t care what those psychologists try to tell me every freaking time. It is like giving up a child for adoption.”

Trevor shifted in his seat.

“I don’t expect you to know what to say. I don’t know what to say. Jesus.” She put her head in her hand and pressed her cool palm against her forehead. “Gotta love science, right?”

“Jenna—”

“So Trevor, if I were ever to someday get married and have a child, and that child wanted to marry someone here in the city, they’d better be damned sure to get a DNA test so they’re not marrying their half-sibling.” Slumping, she leaned back in her seat. “It gets even better, since I don’t want to leave New York and my eggs have been donated here, well, the chances go way up that my teenager could date his sibling. One hell of a prom night, right? With me screaming at my son not to do anything romantic, because unknowingly, he could be dating his sister…?” She shuddered, finally making eye contact with him. “Now do you understand? Do you see now why I can’t have a relationship that could ever become more? Now do you see that if I had a relationship with someone as wonderful as you, every day of my life I would regret having given away what could have been our child…? It sucks and I hate it.” Jenna drew in a large gulp of air. “Now do you see why there can never be an ‘us?’ ”

“I…”

The look in his eyes told her what she needed to know. He dropped his head.

“I told you, you didn’t want to know this.” Jenna pushed her chair back from the table and made her way to the door.

Dropping money onto the table, Trevor ran after her. “Jenna!”

****

It was too late. The cold New York air smacked against him as she hailed a passing cab and climbed inside. Trevor watched in disbelief as the only woman he ever loved sped away.