| |
After the meeting we had at the police station, Kat invited me to go back to her café so she could make me lunch.
I shook my head. “I know you’ll be shocked to hear this, but I’m not hungry.”
“You have to eat something. You promised to take your meds and I’m sure you’re not supposed to take them on an empty stomach. Do you have food at home?”
When I admitted that I only had junk in my food cabinet, she took me grocery shopping.
“I can’t believe you haven’t taken your medication since Ella left,” she said as we stood in the checkout line. “Just a couple of weeks ago you told me you were surprised that it was helping as much as it was.”
“I know, but it makes me drowsy and even more fatigued than I already am, and I wanted to be on top of my game.”
“Yeah, but now I understand why you’ve been so...so...” I could tell she was trying to come up with a tactful word.
“Do you really see a difference? I know I’ve been crying a lot but surely that’s because I’m so worried and upset about Ella.”
“Hello? You don’t think trying to kill yourself was just a tad dramatic? You wouldn’t have done that if you’d been taking your medication.”
She had a point.
At home, after I’d eaten lunch, I poured myself a big glass of water, and took my medication container out of the cabinet. I’d made a promise to Max, who I didn’t care about, and Kat, who I did. When my meds arrived in the mail, I always transferred the pills from the child-proof bottles, which felt pretty adult-proof whenever I was in a state and trying to get the damn lid off, into a large plastic container. I opened the container and tipped it. Nothing came out. I tipped again and this time I realized the pills were getting caught on something. I put my hand in. A folded piece of paper greeted it.
I didn’t have to unfold it to know exactly what it was. I’d been so convinced all along that Ella wouldn’t have disappeared without leaving me a note and I’d been right. She’d left it in the one place she was sure I’d find it, because I’d been so religious about taking my medication every morning. I hadn’t missed a day since I started on it. What she hadn’t factored in was that her not coming home would put me in enough of a tizz that I wouldn’t follow my usual routine.
I grabbed my reading glasses. There wasn’t much to read. After I’d scanned the note for the third time, I put it down slowly and tried to decipher what I was feeling.
My darling, please don’t be mad at me. I have something I have to take care of. I will explain everything when I get home. See you soon!! All my love, always.
Justification. That was the first thing that hit me. I’d said from the start that Ella wouldn’t disappear without giving me some kind of heads up. She was everything I’d believed—loving, caring, thoughtful. She’d left me a note. I was aware of a creeping thought at the edge of my mind that wondered why she’d put it somewhere that I wouldn’t see it until the next day, but I pushed that thought aside. She’d left a note!
Next came relief. She had every intention of coming back. She had something to take care of and she’d be home as soon as she’d done it. She hadn’t left me, hadn’t disappeared after all. I smiled and started singing, You are the Sunshine of my Life off-key and loudly, using the pill container for my microphone. I spun around in circles, dancing a solo and letting the good feelings flow through every part of my body.
And then before I knew it, my fists were tingling with rage and my chest felt like it was exploding. I was so angry I hurled the pill bottle across the room and slammed the door of the bathroom cabinet with such force that the glass cracked.
How dare she? How dare she go off without telling me what was going on?
I’d avoided dealing with the fact that, according to Max, Ella was living under a false name. I’d somehow distanced myself from taking that fact personally. Yet this note proved she really was a secretive liar. It was one thing to lie to the world, another to lie to me. I looked in disgust at the achingly familiar script. I have something I have to take care of. What the fuck was the “something” she was referring to? Why wouldn’t she have told me?
When we got together, I said I didn’t want to keep secrets from her. I laid bare my entire relationship history, giving her the choice of taking a chance on me or walking away. I’d assumed she was honest with me in all her dealings and yet, here was the proof: she was an out-and-out liar. Was Lucinda in on it too? Was that why Ella told me she’d be at Lucinda’s and Lucinda asked me if I’d taken my meds?
My face felt wet and I realized tears were streaming down it. I grabbed some tissue and swiped it against my cheeks, brushing the tears across my face. I wasn’t surprised I was crying. I knew already that underneath my burning anger was sadness, a profound sadness that I didn’t think I could bear. I was furious about being deceived, but that was something I could handle. What I didn’t think I could live with was the loss of a love I’d thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I’d been so sure Ella was different from everyone else, and that when she said she loved me, she meant it. I’d fought with Norm over it and denied to Max that Ella leaving me was a realistic possibility. Even though her note promised that she’d return, her word was worthless. That was what I was already grieving. That I’d allowed myself to believe in someone who was untrustworthy. How thoughtful was she really, if instead of telling me what was going on, or at least texting me to let me know she was okay, she just left a cowardly note for me to find? Even if I’d taken my meds, I wouldn’t have found it until I’d spent at least one tormented night.
I felt the anger well up in me again when I thought about how naive I’d been. She was a sly bitch. After Detective Golders told me the name Ella Jay was made up I thought about whether I’d ever seen her driver’s license or any other documentation of hers. She must have hidden it so cleverly that I wasn’t even aware of not seeing it. That argument about our wedding—of course she wanted to put it off. It was one thing to hide her driver’s license, but her false name would have been exposed when we registered for our marriage license.
I crumpled the note into a ball, squeezing it tighter and tighter in my fist. Then I threw it in the trash and looked around at the spilled pills scattered on the floor. For a moment, I had the same feelings I’d had when I tried to overdose, but almost immediately I heard Kat’s voice: Don’t you think trying to kill yourself was just a tad dramatic? Despite myself, I smiled. Ella Jay, or whoever the fuck she was, wasn’t going to get the better of me. I gathered up the pills and tipped them back in the container, keeping two back, which I placed in the palm of my hand. I put the container down, picked up my water, threw my head back and swallowed the capsules.
Although it made no sense, I instantly felt stronger. I looked at the wadded-up mess of tissues streaked black from my mascara, and then at the cracked mirror.
My reflection stared back at me and I was surprised by the look of determination in my eyes.
“You’re going to get through this,” I said aloud. “You’ve worked too hard to slide all the way back down again.”
I watched as my mouth drooped and tears filled my eyes.
“No!” I shook my finger at my face. “No more tears.” The crack in the mirror made it look as if I’d cloned myself and both reflections were waggling their fingers at me. “You’re done worrying about her. The only person you have to concern yourself with now is you. Call Golders, tell her to forget looking for Ella, and then...” my voice faded away.
And then what?
I didn’t know. I only knew that wherever Ella was, and whatever she was doing, she didn’t need me. She’d made that abundantly clear. Well, I’d show her that I didn’t need her either.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...there would be no second time.