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“I need to go to the hospital,” Gertrude told Norman.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
She was surprised, and a little touched, by his concern. She knew he drove people to the hospital all the time.
“Yes. I’m fine. Fit as a fiddle. I just need to go get a drug test for my job.”
“Wow! They actually gave you a job?”
“Of course they did! Why wouldn’t they? I’m quite a catch!”
“Sorry, didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just impressed. Congratulations.”
An exceptionally friendly woman named Lizz registered Gertrude at Mattawooptock General. Lizz seemed to think a drug test would be a grand time.
“What are they going to test me for?” Gertrude asked as Lizz led her down a sparkling clean hallway.
“Oh, they just do a general panel of recreational drugs.”
“Like what?”
Lizz smiled and pushed an elevator button. “I’m not sure. If you don’t take illegal drugs, then you have nothing to worry about.”
Gertrude thought for a minute. “Are they going to test me for the grass?”
Lizz laughed. “Yes. Probably. Why, do you smoke marijuana? You don’t look the type.”
“No. But I’ve thought about it before. I know how much my cats love their catnip.”
Lizz was still laughing. “I don’t think it’s the same thing.”
Lizz left Gertrude with a nurse whose nametag read, “Bessie.” Bessie, who was decidedly less friendly than Lizz, led Gertrude into a bathroom, and gave her a small plastic cup.
“What are you testing for?” Gertrude asked.
Bessie rattled off, “Marijuana, opiates, cocaine, phencyclidine, and amphetamines.”
Gertrude’s eyes grew wide. “What? Don’t they make drugs I can pronounce?”
“Just pee in the cup. Then put it in here when you’re done.” The nurse opened a small cupboard in the bathroom wall.
“What’s a fen-say-kli-dee?” Gertrude tried.
The nurse rolled her eyes. “It’s a drug we’re testing for. Now do your thing.” She closed the door, leaving Gertrude alone in the spacious restroom.
“How rude!” Gertrude said aloud to no one. She opened the cabinet door and looked inside. It was empty. Why am I putting my pee in a cupboard?
Yet, she did her business and then put the evidence in the small cupboard. She closed the door and then listened for activity inside the cupboard. She soon heard the other side slide open. She ripped open the cupboard door, stuck her head in, and said, “Peekaboo!”
Gertrude couldn’t see a face, but the person whose gloved hand was now on her cup gave a frightened gasp.
“Sorry!” Gertrude said. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Just thought this fancy cupboard was neat.”
The person on the other side did not respond, just slammed the door shut. It was just an empty cupboard again.
Gertrude was back in the comfort of her cat-filled home only minutes later.
She made herself a sandwich and settled in to watch some Antiques Roadshow, which was one of her favorite shows. But mostly, she was just waiting for Sherri to call. The minutes dragged by, and Gertrude couldn’t help but feel she was losing precious time—she knew, from watching television, that it doesn’t take long for a trail to go cold.
She decided she should go visit her neighbor Calvin.
She put herself together, wrapped herself up in warm clothes, and headed out into winter. She carefully made her way over the ice and snow—only December and already treacherous—and was soon pounding on Calvin’s door with a mittened fist.
“What?” she heard Calvin snap from inside.
“Let me in, Old Man Crow!” Gertrude hollered.
“No!” Calvin hollered back.
She tried the door handle. It turned. She let herself in.
Calvin slammed his recliner into the upright position. “Well, shut the door! You’re letting all my heat out. I pay for that, you know!”
She began to take her hat off.
“Don’t undress. You’re not staying long. What do you want?”
“Well, I wasn’t planning to undress, Calvin. And what I want is for you to call Frank.”
Calvin turned his attention back to the television. “Frank the cop?” he asked.
“The one and only.”
“Well, Frank the cop resigned in a cloud of shame and moved to Massachusetts.”
“Are you serious?” Gertrude couldn’t believe it.
“I am. But, even if he lived in this actual house, I would not talk to him for you. What do you want with Frank? Haven’t you done him enough damage?”
“Damage? I saved him from a serial killer!”
Calvin guffawed, but still didn’t look away from the TV. “Serial killer? She wasn’t a serial killer! She was his girlfriend, and you had her thrown into prison! Now, you can go. It’s my nap time.”
“Aren’t you curious what I want with him?” Gertrude asked.
“Not at all.”
“I want to know what the cops have for evidence,” she told him anyway.
“Don’t care.”
“I’ve got a new case,” she said, trying to entice him.
“Not interested.”
“Fine, you grump,” she muttered, turning to go.
“Can you lock that door on your way out?”
Gertrude most certainly did not.