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Norman started to slow the van down in front of Gertrude’s trailer.
“Actually, Norm, can you take me two doors down? To Calvin’s place?”
Norman gave her a suggestive look she didn’t care for. “You been consortin’ with Old Man Crow?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I just need his computer. And his air conditioning.”
“OK then. Here you go.”
“Thanks, Norm.”
Gertrude climbed the few steps to Calvin’s door and then pounded on it.
“I’m coming, I’m coming, hold your horses,” Calvin hollered, and then ripped the door open.
“Ah,” Gertrude exclaimed, stepping inside. “That cold air feels good.”
“Don’t you have an air conditioner, Gert? This is the twenty-first century.”
“I have several air conditioners. But none of them are working right now.” Gertrude plopped onto the sofa and put one foot on Calvin’s coffee table.
“Have a seat,” Calvin said to Gertrude.
“Thanks, but I already did,” Gertrude said, honestly confused. “So, we’ve got a case.”
“A-yuh,” Calvin said doubtfully.
“No, a real one. As in someone is paying me. You remember Andy, the janitor from the strip club?”
“The one you claimed was from Cambodia?”
Gertrude frowned. “I don’t remember saying that. But we’ve only met one strip club janitor. Anyway, he has hired me to find his missing girlfriend.”
Calvin smoothed out his pants and sat down. “She’s really missing?”
“Yes. Really. And we need your computer.”
Calvin heaved a great sigh. “Here we go again. Gertrude, why don’t you get your own computer?”
“I might have to, you keep giving me so much grief about using yours.”
Calvin stood back up and crossed the room to his computer desk. He jiggled the mouse, bringing the screen to life. “What do you need?”
“I think we need to create a VardSale account.”
“VardSale? What’s that?”
“Near as we can tell, it’s a buy and sell website, like Uncle Henry’s, only online,” Gertrude explained.
“Uncle Henry’s is online,” Calvin said.
“So I’ve heard. Anyway. Just type it in—V-A-R-D-S-A-L-E,” she spelled.
“OK,” he said. “I’m here. Now why am I here?”
Gertrude got up and hobbled toward him. “The last thing we know about Samantha’s—she’s the missing girl—schedule is that she was supposed to meet someone named Patsy Pelotte from this website, to buy a pair of sneakers. Her car is still at the meeting place, but she isn’t. She hasn’t been seen since, that we know of.” She winced and shifted her weight to the other foot.
“You all right?” Calvin asked.
“Yep. Just a little back pain is all.”
“You want some ibuprofen?” he offered.
“Nah, don’t need any of that stuff fogging up my mind.”
“Oh yeah.” Calvin laughed. “Your mind is sharp as a tack.”
“All right,” Gertrude said, pointing her chin at the screen and ignoring his jab, “right there it says ‘Join now.’ Click it.”
“My, my, aren’t we bossy today?” he said, and clicked the button.
“Either type my name into the box, or get up so I can,” Gertrude said.
Calvin looked up at her, but this means he only looked up a few inches, as she was barely taller than him when he was seated. “Are you sure you want to use your real name? What’s the plan here?”
“Not sure. I think best on the fly—”
Calvin snorted.
“What?” Gertrude asked defensively.
“You think you think best on the fly, because you don’t ever try to think pre-flight.”
Gertrude frowned. “That didn’t make any sense, Calvin. Now, as I was saying, I don’t really have a plan yet. But you’re right. Better not use my name. Old Patsy, or whoever she is, might recognize my name as the local gumshoe.”
Calvin laughed again. “Good point. OK, what’s your alias then?”
“Oooo, an alias. Like a code name! I’ve always wanted to need a code name.” She thought for a minute. “And I’ve always wanted to be named Hazel.”
“Hazel. Of course. How youthful.”
“Really? You think Hazel's youthful?” Gertrude was delighted.
Calvin shook his head. “Hazel what?”
“Hazel Green?”
Calvin looked up at her. “Don’t you think that sounds a little fake?”
“I know!” Gertrude snickered. “Hazel Hale!”
Calvin shook his head. “Nope. She might actually recognize that name. We don’t want her to think you’re a cop’s grandmother.”
“I’m not old enough to be Hale’s grandmother! Are you bonkers?”
Calvin looked at her thoughtfully. “Gertrude, I know this is impolite to ask, but ...” He hesitated.
“But what?”
“Well, one can’t help but wonder, just how old are you?”
Gertrude scowled.
“I mean, it is just a little unusual. Because you don’t look very old, but you act ...” He hesitated again.
“I act what?”
“You know what? Never mind. Where were we?” He looked at the computer. “Ah yes, your new last name.”
Gertrude was still scowling. “You pick. Make it youthful so it will match Hazel.”
Calvin didn’t say anything. He just typed Hazel Walker into the field. Then it asked for her zip code. He entered it. Two green buttons appeared. Sell or shop. Calvin looked up at her. “Which one?”
Gertrude didn’t even hesitate. “Shop.” Calvin clicked the button, and the page filled with secondhand goodies. Gertrude scanned the wares. “How do you show you want to buy something?”
Calvin scrolled down. “There’s a button below each item.” He pointed at one. It said, “Set up a meet.”
“All right then. Let’s set up some meets. Then we’ll ask people if they know anyone named Patsy.”
Calvin looked impressed. “That’s actually a pretty good idea, Gert.”
“I know.”
“So what do you want to buy?”
“Go down again,” Gertrude said. He scrolled. Then she said, “There!” so loudly he jumped in his chair.
“Easy, Gert. You’re right in my ear, you know. Now, which one of these pieces of rubbish has you all shook up?”
“There,” she said, “that cast iron cat doorstop!”
Calvin chuckled. “Of course. Gertrude, that hunk of junk is twenty bucks. Don’t you want to find something cheaper?”
“No, really. I’ve been looking for another one of those. Besides, I can dicker. Click on it, quick, before someone else does.”
“I doubt there’s going to be a mad rush.” Calvin clicked. It opened up a message box. He looked at Gertrude. “Now what?”
She scowled. “Not sure. Now I guess I send a message to the buyer? Type, ‘Hi, I’m Gertrude.’”
“You mean Hazel? And I don’t think we need to chitchat. The button said ‘Set up a meet,’ so let’s offer a meeting place and time.”
“All right, then. How about my trailer ...” Gertrude looked around for a clock. “What time is it?”
“Time’s right there on the screen, Gertrude,” Calvin said, pointing to the bottom corner of the monitor. It read four o’clock.
“No wonder I’m hungry. How about four-thirty?”
“I think we need to give her more of a warning than that, Gert. Not everyone is just sitting around in their trailer waiting for something to happen.”
“But I’m going to give her some cold, hard cash! That should get her up and moving! How about five o’clock then?”
Calvin sighed. “All right, we can offer that. But I don’t think we should say your trailer. Let’s meet somewhere public, somewhere neutral.”
“Does that mean you’re going to give me a ride?”
“Have you acquired a car since I’ve last seen you?”
“No.”
“Well, then, I guess I’ll give you a ride. Otherwise, you’ll never leave my trailer.”