To honor the self is . . . to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and with exploring our distinctively human possibilities.
Nathaniel Branden, To Honor the Self
Attracting Love
into Your Life
I once knew a very beautiful woman who was intelligent, charming, well-educated, and a good conversationalist, yet she always became involved with men who treated her very badly. Marcia was going through her third divorce when she came to me for counseling. Her first husband had been much older than she, and he totally dominated her. In their relationship, she played out the classic Freudian “Electra complex” by subconsciously trying to “get her daddy to love her.” But it didn’t work. Her father-substitute was so insecure because of her youth and beauty that he disapproved of her having any friends, occasionally followed her when she went on an errand, and refused to allow her to go to work in case she would meet a more desirable man at the office. After five years of this domination, and increasing headaches and backaches, Marcia finally divorced him for the sake of her psychological and physical health.
Shortly thereafter, she was pursued by a man her own age who, she discovered too late, was addicted to cocaine. He had managed to conceal his habit so well that she was not aware of it until they had been married almost a year, and she became increasingly suspicious about missing money and jewelry. After a second divorce, and four years of single life trying to recover from this emotional shock, Marcia married a high-powered executive incapable of being faithful to her. He was also a periodic drunk, and would verbally abuse her in a sadistic fashion about once a month when on one of his binges.
Counseling with Marcia uncovered the fact that she subconsciously hated herself, and attracted men such as these because she thought it was what she deserved. Marcia came from a home where this beautiful, intelligent, sensitive woman had been treated as though she were a complete idiot, and was berated whenever she attempted to accomplish anything. Her parents’ role seemed to be designed to demean and humiliate her, and she developed a severe inferiority complex. Little wonder then that she attracted men who reinforced her inner tape and “proved” she was an unworthy and unlovable person.
It is a cosmological law that people will treat you the way you treat yourself. If you hate yourself, you will not allow others to love you. When we have a low opinion of ourselves, we cannot accept the idea that someone can really love us; thus, we reject a person who does, in favor of someone who will abuse us and reinforce our feelings of inadequacy. We attract to ourselves those people and things in resonance with the type of vibrations we send out. Our ideas about our self-worth go out into the universe like a magnet and pull into our environment the type of person who conforms to our own inner image. In Actualizations, Stewart Emery writes: “If people’s relationships with their own lives are unhappy, then their relationships with us are going to be unhappy as well. People who can’t love themselves, can’t love you either.”
Perhaps, at the conclusion of a disastrous relationship, you have said to yourself: “I didn’t know my partner was like that.” Maybe you didn’t on the conscious level, but the subconscious always knows and that area of the mind governs our lives. As Freud stated: “One subconscious mind understands another.” At that level of awareness we know exactly what we are trying to accomplish, even if it is to destroy ourselves. If our old tapes are programmed for negative and destructive relationships, that’s precisely what we’ll get until we learn how to change those neurotic tapes.
Neurosis is perpetuated by the conflict between the idealized self (what one thinks one should be) and the real self, and represents the friction between desire and behavior, such as the following:
|
Desire |
Behavior |
|
Assert oneself appropriately |
“Subassertiveness” or Aggressiveness |
|
Get work done |
Procrastinate |
|
Stop bad habits |
Addictions (overeating, drinking, etc.) |
|
“Be this, be that” |
“I can’t do it” Resistance/Rebellion Self-destructive behavior (e.g., finding a mate who will abuse you) |
Such behavior results in guilt, which leads to:
Lowered self-esteem, which results in:
Verbal abuse of yourself, such as thinking, “I’m worthless,” thereby proving the negatively programmed tapes.
This self-hatred leads to:
Repression and denial, shutting down of feelings, inability to love others, fear of being in touch with loving feelings because of fear of rejection, loss of touch with the real self within because of fear of seeing what you don’t like about yourself.
Neurosis is manifested by behaviors such as:
Conflict Radiating Inward
Depression
Anxiety
Sleep disorders
Chronic guilt feelings
Low self-esteem
Addictions (alcohol, drugs, food, etc.)
Psychosomatic illnesses (headaches, backaches,
ulcers, heartburn, hypertension, etc.)
Conflict Radiating Outward
Chronic procrastination
Phobias
Defensiveness
“Subassertiveness”/Overly compliant
Victim behavior
Chronic dissatisfaction
Fear of intimacy
Fear of loss of control
Nervousness, panic states
Narcissism
Aggressiveness
Sense of isolation, alienation, and social withdrawal
Obsessive compulsive behaviors
For example, perfectionism: “I can’t ever get it right;
I can’t ever relax.”
Dependency
(“I have to depend on you because I can’t depend on myself, and I resent you for it”)
Helplessness
(“Tell me what to do, but I’ll resist it
and prove you wrong”)
Indecisiveness
(fear of making a mistake)
Power Struggle
(hostile, hypercritical, punitive)
Excessive materialism
(“I’m okay because of what I have”)
If you were a victim of parents who didn’t know how to love you and are thus limited in your ability to love others, as well as yourself, this can be changed through affirmations and mental imagery. If you were abused as a child, either verbally or physically, or find that you manifest a number of neurotic behaviors, you would be wise to seek professional counseling to assist you in deprogramming your parental tapes. But you can also help yourself, and thereby expand your ability to love.
The Nature of Self-Love
Self-love is not the same as egotism. The egotistical or narcissistic person really dislikes himself and has adopted an attitude of superiority as a defense against self-hatred. In our society, however, there is such a taboo against publicly expressing any type of love for oneself that some people are actually afraid to care about themselves. Notice, for example, how difficult it is for certain people to accept a compliment. They become embarrassed, tongue-tied, and try to avoid acknowledging it. If you truly care about yourself, you will always project this feeling to others in your environment. The essence of love is caring enough about yourself so that you can respect and care for others.
People will treat you the way you treat yourself, so begin to examine carefully the way you have been acting toward yourself. For example, think of someone you regard as a very good friend. When you are with this person, you probably tend to be solicitous, interested, respectful, protective, and loving toward him or her. You have the other person’s best interests at heart and you care about them. Now ask yourself: “Do I give myself the same tender consideration? Do I treat myself as kindly and respectfully as I treat my friend?” On the basis of your self-evaluation, you may have to answer truthfully: “No, I don’t!” If this is your answer, ask yourself “why?” Aren’t you as important as your friend? Then treat yourself that way! Observe the messages you constantly give yourself. Do you call yourself names, bark orders at yourself, chastise and berate yourself when you have said or done something you consider inappropriate? If so, you only undermine yourself and decrease your self-esteem.
Many people are in conflict with themselves because one part of them is at war with another part. A useful way to deal with this inner conflict is to recognize that we all have three parts: our inner child of the past, our adult self, and the internalized parent who, most often, is critical of our behavior. Although we may outwardly look and behave like an adult, the other two parts are constantly influencing and governing our behavior, and they must be recognized and dealt with.
Adults who were the children of critical parents often have a very strongly developed, belittling inner parental voice governing them. As the psychiatrist Karen Horney pointed out, they are ruled by the “tyranny of should.” They are constantly telling themselves, “I should do this,” “I shouldn’t have done that,” “I should do better,” “I shouldn’t make mistakes,” and so on. Recognizing, challenging, and questioning these dictates contributes greatly to freeing ourselves from the enslavement of our now internalized critical parent. At the same time, our inner child of the past, who is so often frightened and lonely, can be given reassurance by our adult part that we are really a worthy and lovable human being. Whenever you’re feeling insecure, talk to the little child inside you, and let her know that you, the adult, really care about her. Mentally love, nurture, and console her. You’ll be surprised how good this little exercise will make you feel.
As a child and a teenager, I constantly berated myself for just about everything. After being with a group of friends or going to a party, I would come home and immediately start critically judging my behavior. If I had done something I considered dumb or socially incorrect, I called myself names for days and continually reminded myself of my ineptitude. Finally, I realized my self-condemnation was so severe I was making myself into a hopeless neurotic. I began to think of my critical, internalized parent as a person looking over my left shoulder, following me around and constantly belittling me. I vowed to get control of it, and put an end to this terrible guilt and self-condemnation.
I started my transformation by making a bargain with myself that I would allow myself to correct something I had done, once and only once. Once is a learning experience; anything after that is nagging and berating. So I began by labeling certain behaviors as inappropriate, rather than dumb, stupid, childish, or disgraceful, and told myself that I had now learned not to say or do that and had no need to repeat it. It became a corrective process, not a mental beating. After that, whenever the inner parent began to criticize me, I turned around and screamed “Shut up!” at the top of my voice, unless, of course, if I were in public, then I screamed it in my mind. This may sound like a silly thing to do, but within three weeks I had gained total control over my self-condemnation and never again allowed my tyrannical inner parent to degrade or humiliate me.
Let’s begin with a method for raising self-esteem. The first principle in your program to increase self-esteem is . . .
Always talk kindly to yourself
Treat yourself as you would a loving friend and never, never call yourself names or denigrate yourself for inappropriate actions. As a therapist, I often assign homework to clients to give themselves a compliment every day. For some people, this is very difficult; they simply can’t think of anything about themselves that they like. How can we expect others to like us when we don’t like ourselves? You can learn to become a loving friend to yourself and, even though you may not like some of your behaviors, you can always love your own inner self that is striving so hard to become a well-adjusted, self-actualizing person. In fact, with some people who are very lonely and have no one to love them, I ask them to repeat a statement every morning the moment they wake up, even before they open their eyes: “I love you, _______ (their name); you’re a wonderful person.” If you feel unloved, you will be amazed at how this simple affirmation will change your feelings about yourself. It’s as though your higher self—that something deep within you—recognizes, respects, and loves you. It’s a marvelous way to begin each day! When you have a need for love, you can begin by supplying it within yourself.
Give yourself at least one compliment every single day
Instead of relying on others to say you are doing a good job, or that they like the way you’ve done something, or the outfit you’re wearing that day, do it yourself. This will help boost your self-esteem and you won’t be disappointed if others fail to notice certain things. Every time you accomplish something, be it small or great, pat yourself on the shoulder and compliment yourself. Be proud of yourself and acknowledge your efforts, then you won’t be dependent on others to compliment you.
A man once told me that he had cured himself of a painful back condition by simply placing his hand on his lower back several times a day and repeating, “I love you, back. You’re a part of me and I will take care of you the best I can.” The pain began gradually disappearing. How different this is from the approach most people take! Usually we hate the part of us that is giving us trouble, and would be rid of it if we could, thereby concentrating negative energy on that area.
Acknowledge and praise yourself verbally
No one can live without some feeling that they are a lovable and worthy person. You can use some of the following affirmations to raise your self-esteem.
I, [Name], like myself. I am a lovable person.
I now feel loved and appreciated by my parents, my friends, and everyone who is important to me. (Even if you don’t, repeated use of this affirmation will soon cause it to be true!)
My days are filled with love, joy, and abundance.
I now give and receive love freely.
I deserve to be loved, and I am a lovable person.
Here are a few affirmations that are especially effective for developing self-esteem, from Shakti Gawain’s wonderful book Creative Visualization.
Every day I am growing more beautiful and more radiantly healthy!
The more I love and appreciate myself, the more beautiful I am becoming.
I am now irresistibly attractive to men (or women).
I am kind and loving, and I have a great deal to share with others.
In addition to writing these or similar affirmations, make it a point to do something nice for yourself every day. It need not be something that costs a lot of money, such as buying a new outfit, but some simple pleasure that makes you feel good about yourself and nurtures your spirit. This may be soaking in a bubble bath, taking a walk, window shopping, reading a favorite novel, taking the time to watch the sun set, or just listening to some beautiful music you enjoy. Nurture yourself in the same way you would like someone else to take care of you. When you feel loved inside, you make room in your heart for love to come to you.
Overcoming Procrastination
Chronic procrastination is one of the most common self-defeating behaviors exhibited by people who have difficulty loving themselves. Many people cannot do what needs to be done because they use punitive measures and try to beat themselves into action mentally, and thus hook their rebellious inner child who refuses to cooperate. People who were coerced as children often learn procrastination as a defense, and as a way of gaining some power in a powerless situation. Mother yells: “Get in here this very minute! Wash your hands right now! I want that room cleaned up immediately!” The child may not be able to refuse to do it, but she can take as much time as possible to fulfill the task. “Okay, mom, I’ll do it as soon as this program is over. I’m coming, Mom. Just one more minute and I’ll come in.”
In this subtle way the child rebels against such domination. Then, in later life, when the same person attempts to get his bills paid on time, clean out the closet, complete his income tax forms, etc., he yells at himself internally in the very same tone of voice used by the domineering parent. So what happens? He rebels and procrastinates until the very last minute, and sometimes beyond that, and his life gets into a mess. This is, of course, self-defeating behavior, which perpetuates self-hatred. He hates himself for being this way, but he’s powerless to stop, because this neurotic behavior is driven by his inner child of the past, with whom he has never adequately dealt.
An essential element of self-esteem is the judgment we make about ourselves because of what we accomplish. Taking care of the things in our lives we tend to put off helps build self-esteem. If you constantly procrastinate, you give yourself plenty of opportunity to consider yourself incompetent or a failure. Routinely taking care of things is a way of clearing your mind and having more energy, because you’re not tying up a portion of that energy by holding something in the back of your mind that has to be done. By handling everyday tasks, you are handling your life; and it will convince your mind that you are an adequate person. Taking care of these tasks is a way of being here now, and living in the present. To free your mental energy, begin doing the tasks you have avoided, and an increase in self-esteem will automatically follow as a result of your accomplishments.
Here is a systematic way to deal with chronic procrastination. Take a piece of paper and list on it the five most important things in your life that have to be done. To begin with, preferably choose the simplest. Then, estimate the length of time it will take you to do this project. A task can often be facilitated just by figuring out how long it’s going to take. You may be surprised to discover that there are some items on your list that can be completed in fifteen minutes or a half-hour that you have been putting off for weeks, and needlessly tying up energy by worrying about it. Next, ask yourself: “Why haven’t I finished this task yet?” List as many reasons as you can think of. You probably have a mental picture that the task is very unpleasant, perhaps even painful, or so huge that it seems overwhelming. Or perhaps you are uncertain that you have the skills to accomplish it. If so, write this all down.
In a new column, list the solutions to each one of the stated obstacles. If you don’t think you have enough information to complete the task, write down who you will have to contact or where you will have to go to acquire the information. Then list the benefits you expect to receive as a result of completing this task. These may be internal, for example, increased self-esteem, a feeling of accomplishment, freedom from worry, more time for play. Or, you may also accrue some external benefit, such as praise from others or additional income. Writing down these benefits will help increase your motivation. Next, list the steps you need to take to complete the task. Break these down into very small steps. What is the first thing you need to do to approach this task? Get out some papers, go into your desk, open the closet door, get some boxes for storage? List everything you need to do. When you’ve written down all the steps, determine how long each step will take. Then write a date of anticipated completion beside each step. If you have a large task that will take an entire weekend, such as cleaning out the garage, it’s best to spread the work over several Saturdays. You probably can’t motivate yourself to spend the whole weekend working in the garage, so make a realistic schedule, such as 1 to 5 p.m. every Saturday for the next three weeks. Remember, set yourself up to win!
Now, use your imagination. Take a few minutes to relax and visualize yourself doing the task and completing it. This point is very important to increase your motivation. You may want to see yourself telling someone that you’ve completed it, and see them being pleased by this. Or you might visualize yourself standing back and admiring how nice the garage or closet looks now that you’ve cleaned out all the junk. Notice how good you feel when your project is accomplished. This is one of the most significant parts of the program because if you can accomplish the task in your mind, you will find it much easier to accomplish it in reality.
Finally, choose a reward you can give yourself when you have completed the project. It need not be something large, but it’s very important to reinforce your efforts by rewarding yourself. Photocopy the worksheet on page 127 to assist you in systematically overcoming procrastination. It will go a long way toward increasing your self-esteem!
Overcoming Procrastination Worksheet
1. The Most Important Task for me to do this week is:
2. I will Begin this task on:
3. Estimated Total Length of Time to do task:
4. Reasons why I haven’t done it so far:
5. Solutions to each of the above reasons:
6. Steps to complete task and Length of time (each step)
7. Benefits I will acquire from completing task:
8. Visualize working and completing the task. Get the feeling of its completion.
9. On completion, I will Reward myself in the following way:
Signed: _______________________________ Dated: __________
Attracting Love
The most important ingredient for attracting love is learning to live with, by, and for yourself first. If you are single, you can create the conditions for love by being a loving person to yourself and others. Instead of a time of loneliness and pain, being single can be a time devoted to self-development. It’s the best way to develop your own inner resources and really get to know who you are at the deepest levels of your being. Being alone can be a time of self-discovery and self-renewal if you see the possibility for such growth, and it’s an opportunity to gain new certainty about yourself.
Being single is a great challenge and helps develop the inner strength necessary to face life fully as a strong, independent individual. When a person merges with someone else they can lose sight of their true self and begin living through the other person. Someone who has developed his or her own resources and skills is usually far more interesting than a person who has lived in the shadow of another. When the right partner arrives, he or she will have something to give and something to share. She becomes a whole person who is unified within her own center, and others will recognize and appreciate that.
Love, like other things in life, can be consciously produced. Just as you can make affirmations to increase your prosperity, so can you attract into your life the type of person you desire, using the same procedure. Here again, the laws of the universe apply. You must be careful not to violate cosmic law by manipulating the will of another. Therefore, make affirmations for the type of person you want, but never specify a particular individual. Leave that to Spirit and, if it is cosmologically right for you to have a certain person, that will surely happen. On the other hand, if you try to force it through the power of your thought, you may succeed in attracting a particular individual, but there will always be some backlash, in accordance with the cosmic law of cause and effect.
The first thing to do before making affirmations for love is to get a clear picture in your mind of exactly the type of person you desire. This seems self-evident but, believe it or not, many people never consciously think about the specific characteristics of a person who would be most harmonious with their personality. It’s a good idea to get out a piece of paper and write these down. If you have difficulty, begin by thinking of your own qualities and make a list of those. Would you like your mate to have similar qualities, or would you prefer the opposite to counterbalance yours? For example, if you tend to be a spendthrift, you may want someone who is good at handling money, who can help curb your excessive habits. If you like classical music, you would probably prefer someone who also does; otherwise, his or her love of hard rock could drive you crazy. If you’re athletic, it’s best to specify someone who shares this interest, rather than a person who wants to stay home and read a book or watch television.
Additionally, be sure to list inner qualities you would like in your mate, such as honest, warm and loving, loyal, kind, thoughtful, growth-oriented, mature, spiritually-inclined, financially stable, or any other attributes that appeal to you. Since this is such an important part of your affirmations, you may want to take some time to really meditate about the type of person you desire. Remember, the more specific you can be, the easier it is for your subconscious to fulfill your desire.
Another important question to ask before writing your affirmations is, “What is my objective?” Do you want to be married, or would you rather just live with someone for a period of time? Are you looking for a long-term, permanent involvement, or just a temporary relationship? Perhaps you are so immersed in building your career right now that all you want is a fun-loving person to share some good times with, who is also looking for the same level of involvement. Are you the type of person who expects total fidelity and is willing to give the same to your partner? If so, list fidelity or loyalty as one of the qualities you want. Do you expect a monogamous marriage or would you prefer an open relationship with both parties able to see others? If you want marriage, do you want children? If you do, you should specify that you desire a mate who also wants children.
Be sure you have everything you want in your affirmations, but at the same time recognize your limitations. If you don’t have the face and figure of a high fashion model, you’re not likely to attract the equivalent of Hollywood’s current Adonis. No one is perfect, but there is a human tendency to think that we can attract superstars, thus rejecting people who don’t measure up to the fantasized image of what we want. When you have completed your list, look it over and ask yourself if it’s realistic. For instance, if you want a woman who is slender, blonde, and beautiful, president of a large corporation, intelligent, educated, charming, and wealthy, then appraise yourself realistically to see if you would have enough to offer such a person.
Laura, a former client of mine, illustrated the importance of specifying everything you want in a mate. She divorced her husband of ten years because he was lazy, boring, and impotent. For seven of their ten years together, he had been almost totally uninterested in sex and wouldn’t seek help for his problem. So, when she began her affirmations, she focused on her primary interest of having a good sexual relationship. That’s exactly what she got; a man who was extremely virile and able to please her sexually. But she soon discovered he also wanted to please other women, and didn’t believe in monogamy. For two years she was distraught every time she caught him with someone else, and that did more damage to her self-esteem than ten years with her uninteresting husband. Finally, she could take it no longer. She decided the sexual satisfaction wasn’t worth the mental abuse, and saved what little self-respect she had left by leaving him. At this point she almost lost her job because of her inner turmoil, and had to seek psychotherapy to restore her confidence in herself. Before beginning affirmations for a more satisfactory partner, she worked for several months on a program to develop her self-esteem, and convince herself that she was a worthy person and deserved better than she’d had.
An interesting book containing many affirmations for finding a partner is Sondra Ray’s I Deserve Love, and some of the following affirmations were designed by her. Though these samples are all written in the first person, remember to put your own name into these. You should also write them in three persons: I, you, and she or he. When you write your affirmations in the second and third persons, it gives you the feeling that “someone out there” also believes that you can have what you desire, and further impresses your subconscious mind.
I, Dorothy, deserve love, and the type of man I desire is coming to me now. He will be interesting, kind, warm and loving, faithful, financially stable, thoughtful, educated, emotionally mature, and he will like children.
I, Marc, deserve love, and the type of woman I desire is coming to me now. She will be intelligent, attractive, considerate, loving, athletic, interested in rock music, and able to move if I’m transferred.
I, Joanne, am now attracting a man who is tender, kind, responsible, intelligent, successful, open, and who has a sense of humor.
I, Paul, am now attracting a woman who is affectionate, passionate, interested in my kids, confident, joyful, and desires to stay at home and take care of the family.
I, Patricia, am filled with loving thoughts and magnetic power so that I can draw to myself the right type of relationships. There is an abundance of lovers who are just right for me, and I am attracting them to me now.
I, Larry, am now attracting into my life someone humorous and pleasurable, someone I can have fun with.
You can also specify approximately when you will meet the person you desire:
I, Jeannie, am now sending out the mental vibration of love, and the type of person I desire will be attracted to me. I will meet him this spring, and we will be married by the end of the year.
I, Bob, am now being led to the places where I will meet the type of person I desire. The universal law is now working so that I will be in the right place at the right time. My true love is now being attracted to me. We will buy a house together and be married by Christmas.
Listening to Your Inner Voice
Sometimes people have difficulty attracting love because they are not really ready to be involved with someone. This can be for a variety of reasons, such as being too busy to dedicate themselves to someone else. To discover any hidden thoughts that may be preventing you from finding love, you should divide your paper in half; use one side for the positive affirmations and the other side for writing down any negative or counter-thoughts you may have. Listen carefully to your body while you are writing and notice if you get any negative reaction. If you do, write these down, and challenge them by writing counter-affirmations.
For instance, Barbara began writing:
I, Barbara, now have the time and energy for a permanent, monogamous relationship, and this is coming true for me now.
Every time she wrote this, she could feel her stomach muscles tightening up. So, using the other half of the page, she wrote this dialogue with herself:
Oh yeah? You’re far too busy developing your career to devote your time to someone else.
That may be, but I’m very lonely, and I want a permanent, monogamous relationship and this is coming true for me now.
Stop kidding yourself. You couldn’t handle it. He’ll be demanding of your time, and you’ll resent it.
Maybe you’re right. I guess it’s just the wrong time for me to try for a long-term goal. I’d better concentrate on my career first.
This mental dialogue led Barbara to revise her affirmation to:
I, Barbara, deserve love, and I am now attracting into my life someone I can have fun with, who has his own projects and won’t be too demanding of my time.
Affirmations to Overcome Fear of Love
Sometimes people cannot attract a new love because they have been hurt in the past, and are afraid it may occur again. If this is preventing you from finding an appropriate partner, use some of the following affirmations:
I, ______, am now free of the past regarding my negative emotional experiences. I have learned a great deal from them and will not repeat the same mistakes.
I, ______, no longer focus on the losses I have suffered in the past. Instead, I am confident that my next relationship will be a beautiful and harmonious one.
I, ______, deserve to have someone who will love me exclusively, and the type of person I desire is being attracted to me now.
I, ______, forgive ______ for the way (she/he) treated me, and I am now releasing this experience into the universe and will no longer suffer from it.
I, ______, do not need to get even with men (or women) any longer. I can let them love me.
I, ______, am willing to accept love and stop resisting. It is safe to surrender to love.
I, ______, now take full responsibility for my actions, so I no longer feel guilty for anything I have done in the past.
I, ______, am no longer angry at women (or men). I feel very loving towards them, and am now attracting a loving person into my life.
I, ______, am now releasing my past experience with ______ and am no longer affected by it.
I, ______, still have love in my heart for ______, but since (she/he) is no longer interested in me, I am now completely accepting of this and wish (him/her) well in the new relationship.
You Deserve Love
Many people are hampered in their ability to find a loving mate simply because they don’t believe they deserve one. If you feel this way, use your affirmations to convince your subconscious mind you are worthy of love.
Beverly, a lesbian, made an appointment with me because she felt so unworthy she had been unable to find a lover for three years. Five years prior to that she lived with a woman who suddenly decided she could no longer handle the enormous difficulties of being gay in a society that condemns those who love people of the same gender. Beverly’s former lover lived in fear of being discovered, losing her job, and having family and friends turn against her. Finally, she told Beverly she wanted to end the relationship, get married to a man, and try to live a “normal” life without deception. Beverly was devastated by this and felt suicidal. In her despair, she went home and revealed to her parents for the first time that she was a lesbian. Tragically, they were horrified by this revelation, told her she was an “abomination before the Lord,” and said they never wanted to see her again.
Because of her deep feelings of unworthiness and her fear of being hurt again in a relationship, Beverly was unable to find another woman to love. During psychotherapy she fought hard to regain her dignity and self-respect as a person, even though her lifestyle was different from the majority. She came to realize that what was important was not how others viewed her, but how she viewed herself. She knew that she was not “less than human” because she loved women, and decided that she had to be true to her own inner self, and not the dictates of others. Once her inner conflicts were resolved and she could accept herself, she began making positive affirmations for love, and found a new relationship within a few months.
Overcoming Negative Programming
If you have been the victim of negative concepts as a child, such as: “you’re stupid,” “why can’t you be like your big brother,” “you’re really awkward and clumsy,” “you won’t amount to a hill of beans,” etc., use the following affirmations to change these suggestions. Remember, you must find as many reasons as possible why you deserve love so your subconscious mind will be reprogrammed to the idea that you are really worthy.
Try some of the following:
I deserve love because I am a warm and loving person and have helped many people in my lifetime.
I deserve love because I have a great deal of love to give and am willing to share it.
I deserve love because I have a lot of personal assets and really care about people.
I deserve love because I have had a great deal of suffering in my life, and I don’t intend to suffer any more.
I deserve love just because I am alive, and I’m entitled to happiness.
I think highly of myself and therefore it is easy for people to love me.
I now feel secure about my ability to attract the type of person I desire, and I deserve the best.
I deserve love because I am a loving person.
Affirmations, done consistently, can help create your life exactly as you truly desire it to be—happy, prosperous, healthy, fulfilling, joyous, creative and, particularly, filled with love. By reprogramming your barriers to love, both consciously and subconsciously, you can enjoy the complete fulfillment and satisfaction that always accompanies real love.