The call came on Jaye’s cell as they were walking into the cabin.
“Tony?”
“Yeah. Look, I’m sorry about all of that, okay? This day is just fucking with me, man. It’s just a lot to deal with. Sesi talked to me a while. So did Mr. Toklo. Told me this amazing story. Can I tell you about it? You got a minute?”
“Yeah, man. Go right ahead.”
“Well, he told me about this sea goddess named Sedna. Real freaky chick. Got her hands chopped to pieces by her dad who was basically sacrificing her to save himself. Took an axe right to her fingers, man, over and over. She fell into the sea. Died. Became powerful. Created life there. People make sacrifices to her so they have a good hunt, catch a lot of fish to feed their families, and so they’ll be protected. That sort of thing. He really believes it too. Has a statue of her on his mantle. Said his family has made offerings to her before, way back when. Said he believes it gave ‘em a run of good luck. They know she was treated like shit, but she’s wiser for it, so they try to learn from her.
“Anyway, the moral of the whole thing is supposed to be that anger that gets buried or feeling totally helpless is real powerful. Can’t be ignored and needs to be let out. Someone real upset deserves to have someone to listen. I don’t know how he figured out I needed to hear that, other than, you know… the hand thing. Maybe it was meant to be. And, hey, if they know how to get some good luck going, I’m all for that. Maybe that’s the whole reason why I’m here, right? I mean, yeah, it’s rough living with another guy right now, after Hax and all. Fucks with my head, kinda. Especially since I’m in his space and he calls the shots, but he’s a good dude. It’s not like a woman like Sesi’d want to live with a guy like me anyway.”
Jaye tried to get a word in, but Tony plowed ahead.
“Sesi and I are out on a walk right now. I stepped away for a second to call while she checked in with the station about something. I just wanted you to know that it’s all coming together for me, okay? Things are making more sense. I’m sorry if I freaked you out before.”
“No, I get it,” Jaye told him, giving Dixon a look to help communicate the nature of the call. “Things were squirrelly for me for a while there, too. For different reasons, but it’s a transition, you know? Being out here gives you more space to think and deal with shit. It’ll take time. Sesi and Mr. Toklo won’t let you down. Neither will Dix and I.”
“Being around you just takes it to another level for me though. It’s crazy how I can tell you this stuff. None of the crew knew about my past. All I ever told them was that I tend to have a lot of runs of bad luck, which is where they got Jinx from. I’m glad Drew’s worm food. I’m glad I’m out. And I’m glad I’ve got you all pullin’ for me and trying to set me up with this whole new life out here when you’ve got no real reason to give a shit about a guy like me. I’ll show you it’s not all a waste, okay? I will.”
“All right, man. I hope so. Because all of the bastards that hurt you? Don’t give ‘em the satisfaction of hurting you more by hurting yourself. You’re only letting them win if you do that. Do you really want them to win?”
“Course not.”
“Is there anything else you need?”
“Nah. I’m good. It’s cool of you to offer, but you’ve already done too much as it is. We’re headed back now. Sesi’s gonna cook us dinner — some clam chowder; family recipe, she said — and she’s gonna help me rig up a spoon and some rubber bands so I can work a fork better. You know Martinez was spoon-feeding me all of my meals? Fuckin’ humiliating.”
“You’ll get there,” Jaye told him. “And he’ll never do that shit again, right?”
“Right. Okay, later, Jaye. Take her easy.”
“You too.”
He hung up. Exhaled heavily with a groan.
“What?” Dixon asked.
The eagerness in Tony’s voice coupled with the image of an axe chopping fingers floated through Jaye’s mind. He tried to shake it loose, clear his thoughts. He flopped down on the bed on his back, running his hands over his face. “Why did no one ever tell me how much it sucks to be the one doing the head shrinking instead of the one losing his mind?”
“So psychiatry isn’t your calling?” Dixon guessed, sitting beside him. He started massaging the tops of Jaye’s thighs and it felt so good, Jaye groaned again but for other reasons.
“Psychiatry can suck a bag of dicks.”
Jaye dropped his hands away from his face, letting them fall to the bed. The massage helped him relax a little. Dixon leaned over him and pecked a kiss to his lips.
“I thought you liked sucking dick?”
“Well, not a whole bagful. Your jaw would get way sore. And you’d need to rinse that shit out every few dicks or so.”
Dixon smiled wider. Then he laughed.
“What?” Jaye asked.
“Marcus had a bag of dicks.”
Jaye snorted.
“No, I’m serious. He kept the bag in his closet.”
“Of course he did. Fuckin’ Marcus, man.” Jaye watched Dixon’s grin become more introspective. “Did he ever make you suck the whole bagful in one go?”
Dixon’s nose scrunched. “No!”
“Well, I wouldn’t put it past him.”
Dixon draped himself over Jaye’s body, trailing his fingers along Jaye’s leg.
“I think it’d just get really tedious after the first two, don’t you think?”
“Nah, I’d give it three to four. A variety of sizes and flavors, though. The thick ones are way less fun. I’d do long over thick any day.”
“Why are we still talking about this?”
Jaye brushed through the gloriously soft, downy hair covering Dixon’s arm, pushing his sleeve back to expose more of it.
“You still mad?”
“About Cash? Nah. But I’m sure I’ll have some awesome dreams tonight,” Dixon told him softly, gazing down at Jaye’s legs. “Wasn’t mad anyway. Just upset.”
He didn’t hide anything as he met Jaye’s gaze. There was so much honesty in the confession and the whole air about him. Jaye was fascinated. Everyone from Cora to Kris to Cash had always kept secrets. Dixon didn’t keep any. Ever.
“I’m so damn lucky to have you,” Jaye said. “Can’t believe I finally have a family that actually tells me what’s really on their minds and doesn’t just placate me.”
“I’m lucky to have you too. You push me to be a better man than I’d be otherwise.”
“Doubt that.” He picked up Dixon’s hand and pushed his fingers through the gaps to weave their hands together. “Tony told me stuff.”
“Figured. Like what?”
He explained about Drew and the downward spiral it set him on. He left out the chopped fingers.
“You think Sesi can handle all of this?” Jaye wondered.
“I do. Yeah.” His thumb brushed over the side of Jaye’s hand. “In her village, growing up, her best friend was molested by an uncle. He took off once word began to spread, because he knew the community would never let him get away with it. They never found him, but it was the middle of winter and he was on foot, so…” Dixon sighed. “Sesi was about sixteen then, I think. She told me how she tried to be there for her friend, no matter what. The girl’s parents were at a loss. Sesi stepped up when no one else did. And her friend is still doing fine. Lives in the village and takes care of several kids within her family. She writes Sesi all the time. But that was another reason why she went into law enforcement. She can’t stop trying to help people. And she shouldn’t. Tony’s in good hands.”
“Have you known all of this for a while?”
“Some, not all. She told me the rest on the phone the other day when I was waiting for you to come back from visiting Cash. Kept me busy.” Dixon raised their joined hands and kissed Jaye’s knuckles. “Is Cash gonna leave you alone now?”
“Yep. I’m done with him,” Jaye said with as much confidence as he could. “We’re square.”
“Mmm,” Dixon hummed.
Jaye pulled him down and linked his hands behind Dixon’s neck.
“Not done with you, though.”
“That ring on my finger says as much,” Dixon replied, kissing the tip of Jaye’s nose.
“Yes, it does,” Jaye smiled.
The following week, a fair-sized earthquake disrupted the power grid in Zus, knocking out several lines to those who didn’t generate their own electricity or have solar panel arrays. It kept Jaye busy, as he worked with his co-workers to get the lines repaired in several places. He was still learning, and couldn’t tackle serious issues on his own just yet. He never worked on live, high voltage lines directly, but only gave support to the trained crew who did. But he did like seeing his work have a major impact on the residents of town. Without the power, food and medicine would spoil, lights wouldn’t shine and service in many businesses had ground to a halt.
Dixon was almost as busy as Jaye, putting out different kinds of fires. The property damage was, thankfully, relatively minimal, but the few structures that crumbled required the intervention of the State Troopers to ensure the safety and whereabouts of the residents affected.
Both of them were on the road for days, tackling one emergency after another. They kept in touch via their phones, except when one of them ventured into a blackout zone. When they managed to be at home at the same time for a few hours, their interactions consisted mostly of cozying up close under the covers and snatching what sleep they could.
Jaye tried to keep tabs on Tony as well, especially since Sesi was just as preoccupied with work as Dixon. That left Tony home alone with Mr. Toklo for days at a time. Jaye worried the comparisons between life with Hax would only grow for Tony. Even if he was getting out for work, Tony kept going home to a space he shared with a man he considered to be of a higher social rank than him. It gave Jaye a bad feeling, wondering if they’d made the right call.
A water line had ruptured at the truck stop, flooding a storage area stocked with merchandise. When Jaye spoke to him, Tony sounded tired but energized, talking about his part in an assembly line of employees carrying the goods out to a dry area. The satisfaction in his voice told Jaye everything he needed to know. In FCI Sheridan, it was all too easy to feel like only a burden, contributing nothing worthwhile, feeling unwanted and unneeded. What had they been there, if not undesirables secured away in order to minimize their impact on the running of the world?
Jaye also checked in with his former boss, Tammy Jean Polk, whose spirits rose to see how eager Tony had been to have her load up his arms with towers of boxes, which he had no trouble carrying out across the property. When some of the more elderly contributors tired, Tony carried on with enthusiasm, refusing to take breaks or rest until the job was finished. Tammy made sure there was always a large cup waiting for him with a straw, filled with fresh water.
On the phone with Jaye, Tony talked about that cup with its straw endlessly, saying he planned to bring it back home with him to keep on his nightstand. It reminded Jaye of that first morning when Dixon had brought breakfast along with his offers of help to get Jaye back on track. Jaye never told Dixon as much, but he’d saved one of the sugar packets from that morning, palming it and storing it at the bottom of one of his drawers with other keepsakes he’d accumulated over the past year, like a scrap of a label from one of the cans of soup he’d tried to steal from the Stop and Shop, which he’d found in his coat later that night, as well as a handwritten letter from Brekken saying thank you for being there for Dixon when she couldn’t, and for keeping him safe. The drawer also contained a drawing Jaye had done of Grant sitting out on the front porch of his home with the shotgun, watching out for their family, and one of Dixon’s business cards with the logo for the Alaska State Troopers and the local station number listed right under Dixon’s name.
“Keep the cup in a safe place,” Jaye told Tony. “Sometimes it’s good to have something to hold and see when things get tough. I’ve got my own stash.”
“Yeah? You do?”
“Yep. Been adding to it since I got here. I don’t tell anyone about it, really. It’s for me. My peace of mind. I never did have much of anything to keep in my locker before. Not like Cash did. How about you?”
“I have a photo of Mary from our engagement party. She’s wearing this yellow dress and smiling so big. Sometimes I leave it face-up, but sometimes I turn it down. Either way, it’s good to have. Just knowing it’s there. Got a picture of my mom and dad, too, from when I was eight. It was taken on Christmas and we’re all standing by the tree, with the twinkle lights shining. You don’t have any photos?”
“Nah. But I draw things I want to remember. Just as good, really.”
“Man, I wish I could draw. I know what I’d draw, too. I’d draw a big, beautiful picture of Sedna for Mr. Toklo. I think that’d mean something to him. Maybe bring him some good luck in exchange for all his help, and welcoming me into his home and all. Maybe the good luck would bring his kids and grandkids out sooner to see him. They might not make it now for a while, and it’s been getting to him.”
Jaye got a chill at the mention of Sedna with her chopped fingers and tried to push past it, saying, “You can do anything you set your mind to. Anything in the world. You’ll never know unless you give it a try. The good things come from inside. The problems we have — they can’t take away the good that’s inside us.”
“You really think I got any good inside me, Jaye?”
“When you look at that cup Tammy gave you, you’re really gonna ask me that? This is just the start for you. I know it.”
The next day, he went past the truck stop. Parking his car out front, where he could see in through the glass to the shop inside, Jaye sat a while watching Tony work. He had rigged up what looked like a rubber loop to tie the mop handle to his hand, helping him keep hold of it as he washed the floors. He’d scan the room every few moments, his head down and shoulders a little hunched. If someone caught his eye, he’d look away fast, then glance back again to see if they were still looking. When one of the other employees passed by, clapping him on the shoulder, Tony’s face lit with a big smile as he responded with a few words Jaye couldn’t hear.
He saw the paradox Dixon often told Jaye he also possessed, in the simultaneous youth and age in Tony. He was only a few years older than Jaye. In another life, he might still be in school, working towards a future instead of just trying to prove to himself he could have one at all. Considering the other employees around Tony, the way they seemed to accept him rather than judge him, as they could have so easily done, gave Jaye a lot of hope. Maybe Jaye’s span of time in that same job had helped them open their hearts to another ex-con. Maybe not. Tony had more charisma than Jaye in a lot of ways. He didn’t have visible tattoos or an inappropriately pretty face, or seemed younger than he should. He was just a normal guy trying to do the right thing, expecting nothing in return.
Jaye didn’t like those hunched shoulders, though, like the weight of others’ deeds pressed Tony constantly down, or the way the light in his eyes burned low when he turned his focus back to the mop, the handle slipping through his twisted fingers.
Jaye knew if he went in to say hello, Tony’s light would come back. But for how long? How was he supposed to show Tony the future was worth the continued fight, when he’d already been in the ring, swinging away and losing for way too long?
He didn’t have answers, but he wasn’t ready to give up the fight either.