Saturday morning, and Frank was awake as usual. Dante would be coming into his room any moment, to open the curtains and make him get out of bed. Frank lay there, slowly trying to wake his body up. Some parts of his body still felt alien to him, as though someone had removed a limb and replaced it with another. One that didn’t connect with his body. His left arm was a dead weight when he’d come to. Dante’s face gave him away whenever he looked at it, lying there on a cushion. Frank looked at it himself now. His wedding ring was still on. They’d tried to take it off in the emergency room, worrying about swelling and circulation. He didn’t let them near it. His right hand was still strong enough to slap a doctor or two if they got a bit close. That ring had never been off his finger, and he wasn’t about to let them take it now. He wanted to be buried with it, with his wife. She was still wearing hers. The funeral home had offered him it, at the time. He’d booked all the appointments for the same day, wanting to confine the misery to one horrible twenty-four hours. He had a son to raise now, and he was not going to let his beloved wife down.
He still remembered sitting there in the draughty old council offices, a tiny bundle in his arms. His son slept on, full to the brim with formula milk and oblivious to the fact that they were there registering his birth, and his mother’s death. It was just too sad for words. Even the registrar took a break halfway through. He could hear her sobs in the little side kitchen next door. When he got to the funeral home, and they asked about the ring, he declined. He wanted it with her. To be honest, if he could have got in there with her himself, he would have. In a heartbeat. Anything to avoid the sheer gut-wrenching pain of missing her, and knowing he could never get her back. To just close his eyes and surrender, that would be sweet relief.
Then his son had woken up, with a little chicken squawk as he opened his beautiful blue eyes. When Frank looked at him, he smiled through watery, tear-filled eyes.
‘Hello, little man. You awake?’ He could hear the registrar pulling herself together, splashing her face in the sink. ‘We’re having a horrible day, I know, but it will get better.’ The little pair of eyes opened a little bit further. Frank leaned in and kissed his son on the top of his head.
‘Truth is, the bad days are all we have for now, but it won’t always be like that.’ He thought of the plans they’d had, and his resolve hardened. ‘We will have adventures, you and I. We shall see the world.’ His smile dimmed a little. ‘Your mother was the wild one, you know. I never quite understood what she saw in me. The adventures were her idea really.’ He thought of how carefree his wife had been, how full of life. She’d never showed any fear, on the slopes, in life. Not even in the delivery room, when things started to go bad. She kept her bravery till the end, but then it was snuffed out. Now, looking down at this tiny human, totally dependent on him now, his chest clenched tight. He had to protect his son. That was his new life.
As the registrar click clacked back into the room, giving them both her best professional smile, Frank made his mind up. He would love this little baby enough for the both of them, and never let anything happen to him. Ever.
His leg flinched as he moved in the bed now, feeling frustrated. He wished he could go back, shake the sad little lump that he was out of his melancholy. It’s too late though. My boy is grown, and I’m stuck in this bloody bed. His memory was much clearer, but his anger was still there. His frustration. It had lessened, but only to conserve energy. Frank had never felt so tired before. Well, he had once. When he’d walked through the doors of his house, the one he still owned, a new father and a widower, all in one day. The weeks and months that had followed that day were one big blur now to Frank, but he remembered the small details. The registrar office. The little white romper his baby son had worn at the funeral. Frank hadn’t let him out of his sight that day. The cards, letters and Pyrex dishes of food left on his doorstep, the packs of nappies for the baby. Marilyn, the woman who owned the sandwich shop, and had been their friend for years. His friend for long after. She was the annoying woman who waggled the fake pot at him. She was there at the accident, he felt sure. She was the one that held his hand.
She was raising her boy alone too, and the two had bonded over the years, at the school gates and in the shop. She would be here at the hospital too, after the shop was closed up. She’d come through those doors, smelling of sandwiches and perfume, all smiles and nervous jokes to fill the silence he left around him. He hated talking, he’d been practising on his own, when he could make sure no one would hear. He sounded a little drunk, his mouth still slack on one side. His arms were improving, but only because he did the bare minimum of the treatment they offered him. He knew he was wasting their time, but he just couldn’t help it. He wanted them to give up. He’d even flipped them off once, but they all just clapped him for the achievement. The cheek of it!
He had nothing to go back to really. His garden would be too much for him now. He wouldn’t even have his trips to the sandwich shop anymore. His car was a write-off, and given his current state, he could imagine the DVLA wouldn’t be too pleased to hear he was back on the road. He’d be stuck in the house, and that didn’t interest him anymore. When he thought of home he thought of the dread it managed to evoke in him even now. He didn’t want that life, so it was time to just shuffle off. He’d done what he said he would. He’d raised their son to adulthood. He would understand, one day. Maybe. Or maybe he would just repeat the pattern. Maybe he’d be in his house all alone one day, wondering why he hadn’t said yes to more things. The thought of that made Frank want to cry all over again. Looking down at his hand, he saw that he was half clenching his fist. He focused on it, thinking back to what made his hand curl in reflex. Luke. The thought that he would be alone, like Frank, but worse. He pictured Luke in their house, rotting away with memories of his long dead parents all around him. His fist clenched a bit tighter. There, he could do it. He just didn’t want to. They should just discharge him, give the bed to someone who wanted the chance to live.
He heard a commotion outside the door, and for a second thought he’d heard Marilyn. Maybe he wasn’t as awake as he thought. Good, sleep is good. Take me now, Mr Sandman.
‘Dante, come on love, my lad’s at the shop, and the new shop girl rocked up in a low-cut top this morning. I want to know that the place will still be standing when I get back. Has he said anything yet?’ Dante’s voice was deep, but muffled outside the door, and he heard Marilyn huff and tut loudly. ‘The stubborn bugger, I tell you. I will deck him one of these days!’
Frank laughed and turned it into a cough. The voices outside stopped, and the door opened.
‘Good morning, Mr Sunshine!’ Dante trilled, his legs entering the room half a minute before his smiling head. Marilyn trotted him after him, a tablet in a black case in her hands. ‘How are we this fine Saturday morning?’
‘Not time,’ he pushed out, pointing with his finger square at Marilyn. Her eyes widened, and Dante flashed her a warning look. Yes yes, the old dog learned a new trick. I also know my ABCs. He turned back to the window.
‘Well, Marilyn here has special permission. She has brought someone who wants to talk to you.’
Frank turned to the door, but it was closed. ‘Not time,’ he said, feeling like he was showing them the whites of his eyes. He didn’t want any bloody visitors. He wasn’t even dressed. It wouldn’t be Luke anyway.
‘Well, this visitor has a pretty busy schedule these days.’ She brought the tablet over, pulling open the case and clicking on an app. ‘Just give me a second.’ She frowned, and lifting up the sleeve of her top, she squinted at some writing on her arm. The woman’s as nutty as ever. Frank laughed just once, and she studiously ignored him. Dante left the room, and when Frank looked, there was no one outside. What was this, a pointing game or something? He’d watched enough kids’ TV growing up. He wasn’t about to follow a C-bloody-beebies phonics program. The app popped up, and she rested the tablet up on its stand, on his overbed tray, facing Frank. Frank looked at the screen, and a call popped up. Quick as a flash, Marilyn pressed the button, and the screen went white. A pure brilliant white, with a bluish hue.
‘Are we on?’ a voice asked. Frank’s eyes welled up. His lips pressed together as best they could now, and his lower one trembled. My son. My boy. My life. Marilyn leaned forward into the tablet, and she spoke into it as if she was an air traffic controller.
‘We can see you! Go ahead!’
‘Dad,’ the voice began. ‘I know you told me to go away, and carry on with my life, but when I went back to get your paperwork, I found Mum’s list, and the plans.’ Frank swallowed hard, and his eyes never left the white of the screen. It shook slightly, and he realised that his son was holding the camera. ‘I get why you never told me about it. I would have wanted to do it all, obviously, and you were scared. I get that now. I think you’re still scared. We both lost Mum, but you gave up too, Dad. I let you give up, in a way, cos I didn’t know any better. I never really knew the Frank you were when Mum was here. You’ve got to fight Dad. Marilyn, he still listening? His blood pressure okay?’ Marilyn was tearing up, and her voice broke when she laughed. ‘He’s okay.’ She smoothed Frank’s hair, and he flicked his eyes to her. ‘Keep watching love.’ Her touch was unexpected, unwanted even, but he felt a little jolt when her hand made contact. Maybe she wasn’t that irritating. She did smell nice too.
Frank turned his eyes back to the screen, and the white changed. The camera zoomed out, and there, standing right in front of a snow-covered mountain, was his boy, clad in skiwear, a big smile on his flushed happy face. Frank felt a sob block his throat. He looked just like his mother.
‘The Sommersbys are in France Dad!’ Luke shouted, and a woman laughed in the background. ‘I am skiing, the first thing on Mum’s list. Second, enter a competition. I entered the newbie challenge today! Hans says hello by the way.’
Frank muttered, ‘I’ll kill him’ slowly under his breath, and Marilyn grabbed him by the chops and landed a quick smacker on him. Frank spluttered, but not for long.
‘Keep going Luke, he’s moaning!’
Luke laughed, and looked intently at the camera. Making a ‘come here’ gesture with his hands, he said, ‘Come here woman.’ The camera shook for a second, Luke standing there with a huge grin on his features.
‘Come on!’
The camera moved from side to side again, saying no and he chuckled.
‘Chicken,’ he challenged the person holding the camera, and the camera shook with laughter.
‘He looks happy,’ Marilyn whispered in his ear, and Frank nodded, a tear falling down his cheek.
‘Come on, don’t keep me waiting!’ Luke said again. His face was lit up, Frank noticed. He’d never seen him looking so full of life.
The camera was still shaking.
‘Yes!’ he insisted.
The camera repeated the motion. Luke laughed, and put out his arms wide.
‘Come to me now, or lose me for ever!’ The camerawoman groaned, but the screen showed she was trudging through the snow towards him. She flicked the camera down once and they could see she was wearing a pair of skis and laughing her head off whilst telling Frank’s son exactly what she thought of him. Luke was laughing too, and taking the camera, he turned the image till the two of them were standing in the frame. Frank gasped, and Luke nodded his head slowly, his smile broadening as he saw this girl blush.
‘Yep Dad, you guessed it. I met a girl.’
‘Ice?’ Frank asked, and Rebecca laughed.
‘Ice Rebel, that’s me! Retired of course, apart from teaching your son how to ski with Hans. Hello Mr Sommersby!’ Luke was gazing down at her as if he couldn’t believe his luck, and Frank recognised the look. It matched the expression on his own wedding photo. The tears fell again, and Frank started to weep. The faces on the screen fell, and Luke turned the camera away, till it was just him. Frank could see that Rebecca was hugging him from behind. He had someone. He wasn’t alone, he was out there. He was doing it. Frank couldn’t stop crying.
‘Sorry Dad, too much? Marilyn, get Dante, get Dante. Shit.’
Marilyn went to run for Dante, but Frank’s hand moved. Slowly and shakily, whilst Marilyn watched in awe, he lifted the fingers of his strongest hand, fingers to his lips, and putting them on his heart, he blew his open hand at the screen. Luke started to cry then. Rebecca took the phone and held it in her hand, whilst Luke cried on her shoulder. Catching it, Frank watched as the Ice Rebel placed it over her heart and Luke’s.
‘Proud,’ Frank said, punching his hand against his heart now. ‘Proud … of you, son.’ Luke turned to the screen, Rebecca kissing his cheek as he wiped his tears away.
‘If I can do this, Dad,’ he motioned around him at the scenery, flashing his dad another view of their ski clad feet, close together, ‘you can too. Number two on the list, Dad. That’s one that never quite gets done. You remember it?’ Frank nodded, pressing his fingers as close to the screen as he could without touching it, toward his son’s determined face.
Number two: we must be daring.
‘Good. I get why you sent me away too, now. Number three on the list. We must protect the things we love.’ Frank’s face crumpled a little, but he nodded again, his fingers moving over the screen to be near to his only child, the song of his heart. Luke looked relieved, choked even, but then he pulled himself together and Frank saw a fire in him that he’d not seen before. Another genetic trait from his mother, no doubt. He wanted to see more. ‘Now do it. I’ll speak to you soon, okay? The tablet is for you, Marilyn picked it up from the shop for me. Ring me any time. Love you, Dad.’
Luke put his arm around Rebecca, and she melted into his side, smiling at Frank. The Ice Rebel, with his son. Who would have thought? At first, Frank had wondered whether his mind was playing tricks.
‘Bye Mr Sommersby, pleased to meet you!’
Frank waved at the screen, making Luke laugh. ‘He can’t believe it’s you,’ he teased her, and she poked him in the chest.
‘Shut up you,’ she admonished, rolling her eyes. Just like Luke did. The two of them were like peas in a pod. It made Frank’s heart swell in his chest.
‘Bye Dad.’ Luke smiled, and the screen went off. Frank sat and stared at it for a long moment, touching his fingers to the spot where his son’s face had just been.
‘Love you,’ Frank said, and turning to Marilyn, who was weeping like a washerwoman, he opened his mouth and said something he’d never said before. It took him a while, and a couple of words were tricky to get out, but Marilyn just waited patiently, her face lighting up with every new word he uttered.
‘Get me out of this bed, Marilyn, I need to get out of here.’
Marilyn did a jumping twirl on the spot and running to the door, she yelled for Dante as if she was on fire.
‘It worked, Dante, it only friggin’ worked! Get me the washcloth too, he stinks to high heavens!’
Frank groaned, and looking at the tablet once more, he smiled. His little Luke, out in the world, just like his mother wanted all along. Now that would be worth sticking around a bit longer for. That was worth getting out of this bed and getting well for. He wanted to stick around. He hadn’t broken his son, he hadn’t made him a replica of himself. Frank realised that all along, Luke had been a mixture of the best of both parents. He had their work ethic, their love of routine, but more importantly, the same sense of adventure his mother had. Frank could see it now, as plain as day. He’d done his job. He’d raised their son, and now he was out in the world to be enjoyed. Reaching for the paper, he dragged it closer towards him. Flicking it to the sports section with a slow and shaky hand and a fair bit of cursing under his breath, he waited for his meddlesome and annoying friends to come back. He had a lot of work to do, and he’d wasted enough time already. He owed it to his son, and his late wife. Not only that, he owed it to himself.
Marilyn half ran into the room with a bowl and what looked like a car sponge. It was huge. Frank looked across from his paper, right at her, and smiled. It was lopsided, and he felt as though he might dribble a little from the corners, as he sometimes did, but Marilyn’s returning smile told him that his attempt wasn’t half bad.
‘Ready?’ she asked cautiously. Frank could see her grip tighten around the sponge.
‘Ready,’ he said. ‘But only Dante washes my dangly bits.’
Marilyn’s laughter rang out into the hall, and Dante smiled as he passed, wheeling a patient back to their room. These were the moments, he thought to himself as he went on his way. These were the moments that made his job worth all the struggles.
*
Rebecca headed to the ski lift after the call had ended, wanting to give Luke a minute to recover. His dad had looked pretty beaten down at the start of the call, but when he’d made that motion, that gesture of love to Luke, her heart had nearly stopped. That was personal to the two of them, she could tell by Luke’s reaction. The fact that Luke had done it to her, it meant even more now. She couldn’t be reading into it, could she? He didn’t seem the type to have ‘moves’ like that. Robbie moves. She felt a bit panicked at first, that he’d shown that to her after a week of knowing each other, but none of this week was average. She was liking him more and more each day. The whole call she’d had a lump in her throat, a snowball of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. Not for her, but for Luke. She knew how much this call meant to him, how well it needed to go. Luke’s dad had given up since the stroke, and sending Luke away was obviously something that he’d struggled with. The love between them made her think of her own mother, and the call she’d been putting off herself. Not all the paper grenades had been detonated yet either. She still had the competition entries to defuse. Luke had entered the day before, and he was so excited about it.
They hadn’t spent a night apart since that first night, and today was the baby shower and the party after. Everything was ready, all the gifts had been delivered to the venue. The café was staffed for the day, and Rebecca had the weekend off. A whole weekend of skiing and seeing friends, with her hot new … lodgemate. Lover? Bunk buddy? Eugh. They didn’t need a label, it was what it was. ‘Not even known him a week but can’t get enough’ didn’t have a box to tick next to it on any form. ‘It’s complicated’ sounded like simplification. He’d showed her his list, and his plans, his worries about his dad just giving up. She’d shown him her scars, her emotional ones, and the physical ones. He’d ran his fingers along the surgeons’ handiwork, the neat scars that showed how they put her pelvis back together, piece by piece. What he didn’t know or hadn’t thought of, was that people were waiting for her comeback. Expecting it even. Hell, Robbie assumed she was back on the circuit. The rumour mill was a good one, even if the shit they were peddling had no substance at all.
‘Well, that went well!’ He’d caught her up, a little less unsteady on his feet since the days with Hans, and the nights with her. She’d had him up on the sofa cushions, whilst she threw things at him. He had to keep his balance, his legs and arms ready. It was hilarious, but it worked. He didn’t fall half as much now. It was less funny, but safer. His bum cheeks were still bruised enough. ‘Did you see his face? He couldn’t believe it. I really think that this is going to be the turning point.’
Rebecca smiled, but she didn’t reply. If Frank was really going to fight to recover now, Luke would absolutely want to be beside him to do it. Once the comp was done, so were they. As much as she liked Frank already, she found that she couldn’t truly be happy about the thought.
They waited for the lift, holding hands as they walked to the next available one. Sitting down, they both looked out at the view as they headed up.
‘Beautiful isn’t it?’ She was looking out at the scenery around her. Luke looked at her.
‘Sure is.’ He squeezed her hand, their gloves knitted together as they neared the top. ‘Thank you. I think my dad thinks I might be punching above my weight though in the girlfriend department.’ He chuckled. ‘I’m pretty sure we have a longer conversation coming about that one.’
She didn’t refute his wording, she just let it hang there. Girlfriend. She hadn’t been anybody’s anything in a while. Did he mean to say that?
‘And another one, about the fact that I just called you my girlfriend, and you said nothing. You didn’t try to stab me, or push me off this thing straight to my death.’ He raised his hands around his body when she turned to him. ‘Oops, spoke too soon. Tell my dad I tried!’
She pulled his hands down. ‘I didn’t say anything to give you chance to take it back.’
‘Pfft.’ He pushed out of his lips. ‘Not a chance. I think that’s what we are, isn’t it? I just wanted to slip it out there, not make it a thing.’
‘But a thing is something that comes up and makes people need to have a conversation.’
‘That sounds like a penis. Or a molehill.’ He jabbed his finger at the mountains, making the chair shake. ‘Or a mountain!’ He clicked his fingers together, or tried to, at least, whilst gloved up. ‘I didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill. I just wanted to see what you thought.’
‘So where does the penis come into all this?’
‘Ahh!’ He raised one finger. ‘Well, that depends on your answer.’ He looked down at his groin. ‘Doesn’t it, little Wilbur?’
Rebecca had no words. He laughed again. ‘Don’t take the mick. I was raised single handed by a man, he had his ways of getting around awkward words and conversations. He still mutes Bake Off when they say “moist”.’ Rebecca’s lip twitched. He’d get on well with Hans and Holly.
‘Please tell me,’ she asked seriously, ‘what part of all this is supposed to make me want to own up to being associated with you?’
They neared the top, and jumped off, skiing off to the side.
‘All of it! Did you not hear the little Wilbur part?’
‘Please, please, never say that again.’
‘I won’t, if you’ll just say you’ll be my girlfriend. I know that sounds like a twelve-year-old thing, but we are going to this baby shower today. People are going to ask me why I keep kissing you. I don’t think “I met her through a hairy pen pal” sounds good. I just want to know what to call you when they ask.’
Pulling down her visor, she gave herself a minute. Looking down the slope, she felt the usual thrill she had always felt before her accident. She looked back at him then got ready to push off.
‘I tell you what, you make it to the bottom, without falling over.’ She blew him a kiss, and off she went. ‘And you’re on! Catch me if you can!’
She could hear Luke whoop for joy halfway down, and she laughed her head off. If her mother could see her now. Tomorrow, after they’d been skiing, and the party hangover was gone, she’d call her mother. And she might even tell her about Luke. Fair’s fair, and a bet was a bet. If she had a boyfriend at the end of this slope, then she should tell her mother. It made a change to say something she might actually be happy to hear.
Slowing at the bottom, she didn’t need to turn around. She could hear him coming. At the top of his lungs, whilst coming to a very awkward and rather lucky stop, he was singing a Pussycat Dolls song, the one about having a hot girlfriend. She pulled her visor up, and looked around as the skiers around clapped and laughed. A couple of people took camera shots, she could see camera phones being taken out, and she looked around, but all she could see were people cheering them on. One of them shouted ‘go Becks’ and Luke came to her side. Rebecca flinched at her name, but tried not to react.
‘Take a bow, Becks.’ He nudged her arm, and she bowed with him, making them clap harder. ‘Come on, let’s go get ready for this baby shower. I have a hankering to decorate a onesie after all that hard work.’
He steered her back towards the café, and they took just a little too long to get ready. It was quite hard to get out of all the gear, after all.
*
‘We are late,’ she whispered to him as they headed to Hans’s place. Luke was about to knock at the door when Holly opened it, looking even bigger on her feet now. She was wearing a loose floaty dress, and she looked amazing. ‘It’s your fault.’
‘Whose fault?’ Holly asked, hearing. ‘This?’ She put her hands around her bump laughing. ‘This is your fault in a way. Who introduced me to Hans in the first place?’
‘You did that?’ Luke looked across at her, astonished. ‘I never knew that.’ He leaned forward, hugging Holly tight to him. ‘You have my sympathy. You do look lovely though. Excited for today?’ She went to take their coats, but Luke waved her off and took both of them to hang on the rail behind them.
Holly squeezed him tight. ‘I am excited! Aww, why didn’t you come over before Luke, I need you here. You’re so polite and lovely, nothing like those two.’
Luke blew on his nails and polished them on his suit lapel. The suit, well. He looked gorgeous in it as usual, his glasses making him look like an extra from Suits. A hot extra.
‘Why, thank you. I had to ski down a mountain to get a nice gesture from Rebecca this morning.’ He prodded Rebecca, who was wearing her Eloise dress, the one with the flowers that she loved. She jabbed him right back with her elbow, balancing the nappy cake in her hands. He took it from her. ‘I’ll take this in, shall I?’
Rebecca glared at him, and he bent down, kissing her like he’d never seen a woman before. A slow, full of promise for later kiss. Pulling away, seeing her lust drunk face, he winked at Holly.
‘She loves me really.’ He headed in and Holly pulled Rebecca in for a hug.
‘I think you do! Look at you!’
‘Shut up, I know Hans has been telling you every little detail.’
‘I know you know. The tag team beating you gave him was a little harsh I thought, but Hans can take it. And I told you so too! Thanks for all this. You shouldn’t have.’
‘Luke helped. He’s a great ribbon curler.’
‘I bet he is,’ Holly smirked, waggling her perfectly shaped brows and giggling.
‘Shut up, or I’ll take my cake back.’
Holly pursed her lips together. It was good cake.
‘Okay, I’ll button it for now. Come see everyone.’
It all looked great, all set out in their home. People were milling around, plates and glasses in hand, having a go at decorating money boxes and making onesies. Luke was sat making one, chatting to others at the table. The women were eating out of the palm of his hand, and he didn’t even realise. Typical Luke. He looked up, winking at Rebecca when he caught her eye. She smirked at him like a schoolgirl.
‘You sure you’re ready for all these people in your house, and tonight?’ she asked her friend. Holly waved her off.
‘Listen, it’s nice to not be stuck on the couch watching Friends reruns on Netflix. I need the company.’
Holly led her over to Luke, saying hello to people as they milled through.
‘Listen, the most interesting thing that’s happened to me since this baby is Luke coming, so having a party to celebrate it all sounds pretty amazing. Ladies, Rebecca’s here!’ Rebecca felt a shove, and she fell forward. Luke caught her and pulled her onto his lap.
‘Like it?’ he said smoothly, showing her his handiwork. On the onesie was the café logo for Alpine Bites. ‘Thought the little bugger should earn its keep early on. Bit of free advertising.’
He flipped the material around. In black writing on the back it read I was conceived here. He put it onto the pile of finished outfits.
‘I’ll let them enjoy that later.’ He wrapped his arms around her, and she kissed him without even thinking about who might see. His eyebrows shot up. ‘Look at you, all nonchalant.’
She kissed him again, and he kissed her back, lifting her up. ‘Come on, let’s go get a drink. Either that or find the make out station quick.’
‘Damn, missed opportunity. Did the cake get here, did you check?’
She still couldn’t believe that they’d made it and kept it secret. Luke had got one of Hans’s friends to collect it and stash it there earlier. Another thing they’d done together. Luke’s competition date was coming closer, but it still seemed a way off. She had plenty of time to enjoy things. Today was about being here and having fun. Tomorrow she could let her mother know she wasn’t entering yet again, but at least a new boyfriend might cushion the blow back home. She could at least tell her mother that she filled the forms in this year, and maybe next year would be the one. She was feeling different lately. That new resolve could get on the plane with Luke though, and fly away from me. Just like him.
‘Yep, all stashed in the back. Stop worrying now. Come on, let’s get a drink.’
‘Can I just ch—’
‘Before you ask to check the c—’
They both laughed. Luke tapped her on the nose with his index finger.
‘I knew it. I checked the cake, it’s all intact. It looks amazing. Drink?’
Rebecca rolled her eyes at him.
‘Drink.’ Luke winked at her, and her anxiety just fell away. Today was a good day.
*
Later that afternoon, when the baby things had been cleared away and the caterers had taken over, Hans and Holly’s place looked so different. Lit up, showing off the homely feel of the modern space, the atmosphere was more relaxed. Mina was sitting talking to Holly, and as Rebecca took a drink from Luke, she knew that they were talking about her.
‘My ears are burning.’
‘Mine too,’ Luke came and sat next to her on the sofa. They had a good view of the front door, and the whole room. She was still a little on edge, although everyone had been nothing but happy to see her. A few raised eyebrows and shocked expressions, sure, but after hiding away for so long, she had to expect that a little. Hans had kept to his word, only people she still had in her life were there for the most part, and none of her old Robbie crew.
‘No nasties lurking though, eh?’ Luke said it as though he’d read her thoughts. ‘I had a word with Hans.’
She shook her head. ‘No, just friends. A few old acquaintances. What did you say to him? Did you threaten to kick him in the ankle or something?’
Hans was sitting at the other side of Holly, talking to some of his friends. From the movements he was making with his beer bottle, he was telling one of his terribly longwinded and incredibly boring jokes.
‘No, I just told him that I didn’t want anything to spoil the night. He feels the same anyway. You want any food? The rabbit is gorgeous, and the mini burgers? I’ve had about twelve of those suckers.’ Luke scanned the room. ‘I’m pretty sure the waiter’s avoiding me.’
‘I’ve had some.’ She hadn’t, she felt a bit too jippy in the tummy area to trust herself to eat yet. ‘I’ll eat more later.’ That was in response to Hans’s raised brow. He knew her too well.
‘Listen,’ Luke started. ‘I actually did something a little stupid the other day, and I wanted to talk to you about it. It’s been playing on my mind.’
The front door opened in front of her, and Rebecca choked on her drink.
‘It’s not that bad, it’s totally fixable. I just saw it, and—’
‘Robbie.’
Luke frowned, his eyes darkening. ‘No, this has nothing to do with him. Not one thing about this to do with him.’ He downed his drink grumpily, and Rebecca touched his arm.
‘No Luke, Robbie.’ She shrank back in her seat behind him, pulling him back with her. ‘He’s here, at the door.’
Robbie was standing there, talking to one of the partygoers. Evan. He was a nice guy. Rebecca had got the impression before that he wasn’t one of Robbie’s biggest fans. She wondered idly if they were friends now. She didn’t know who Robbie hung out with these days. She hadn’t wanted to know either. Evan looked a little uncomfortable, but chatted back to her ex and turned his back to Rebecca, shielding her. She glanced across at Holly and Hans, but they were still laughing with Mina.
‘Luke, we need to go.’ She went to stand up, and Luke tensed at the side of her. ‘Luke, I’m not scared. I don’t care about him at all. I just don’t want a scene.’
A second later, Luke took her hand in his and they stood up, heading to the back patio doors and the outside. As they pulled the door curtain closed a little and headed out into the night air, Rebecca glanced back. Robbie was still talking to Evan.
‘We left our coats inside, you got your bag?’ Luke asked as they felt the cold air hit them full in the face.
She shook her head. It was with their coats on Holly’s bed now.
‘Shit.’ He kicked the ground in front of them, crossing his arms in front of himself. His white shirt was long sleeved, and he came and rubbed his hands down her arms, trying to keep her warm.
‘We can’t stay long out here. Why did he come?’ Rebecca kept an ear out, but the place hadn’t exploded yet. Thank God for Evan. ‘Hans would never have invited him.’ The photos. ‘He saw it online, didn’t he?’ She looked at Luke, and he was already on his phone.
‘Nothing I can see online,’ he said, scrolling through his notifications. Rebecca took the phone from his hands, and brought up her own Facebook profile. There it was – a photo of the pair of them, bowing on the slopes that morning. Somebody had put it online, and then someone else had tagged her in it.
Luke’s eyes narrowed when he saw the screen. ‘Nosy calculating bastard.’ He glared at the house, as though his laser eyes had come back, and he was trying to pop Robbie through the walls of Hans’s home.
That had to be it, the photo. Robbie knew enough people to get wind of Hans’s get-together. He still knew her well enough to know that she would be at any party of Hans’s. He’d come to fan the flames. Taking the phone from Luke, she scrolled down to the comments. Lots of people commenting on where she’d been, who Luke was. Why she was ‘back’ in France. They thought Robbie and her were maybe back together. Someone had even asked whether she was involved with both men. ‘Where do they get off, talking about a stranger like that? This makes me sound like the village bike.’ She removed the tag, deleted it from her timeline and blocked the random poster for good measure. He’d done enough damage with his bloody snapping.
‘Mountain bike,’ Luke quipped.
‘Luke!’
‘Sorry, bad joke. It’s a defence mechanism. I’m mad too, but we’re not standing out here all night freezing to death because of him, or any of those keyboard warriors.’ He took his phone back and headed back inside. ‘Come on.’
As they neared the doors, Rebecca saw Hans at the other side. He was still talking to Holly and Mina, but she could see that Evan was losing the battle of distracting Robbie. He was alone too, sans whatever girl he was boinking at the moment, which meant he was on a mission.
‘Want me to go get our stuff?’ Luke asked, pausing by the door. He didn’t take his eyes off Robbie. Just as she was going to say, Yes, please ninja in and sneak back out so we can run back to the café and hide under the covers, Hans spotted Luke, and clocked what he was scowling about. He must have looked like an angry bear, growling and fogging up the glass with his breath.
‘No, we’d better go in.’ They walked in just in time to stop Hans from getting up. Luke jumped on him, pinning him to the huge corner sofa. Mina smacked Luke on the behind as he went past.
‘Hey, watch the drinks!’
Luke snuck in between Hans and Holly, checking on her like a midwife. ‘You okay, no crowning or anything?’ Holly elbowed him, laughing.
‘No crowning, gross! What’s wrong with you?’ Hans tried to stand up, and Luke sat on him again.
‘Hans?’ Rebecca was barely audible in the room, but Luke heard.
‘Bec, come and sit down,’ Luke said, breaking into her dazed thoughts. Robbie was on his way, Evan mouthing sorry at them. Rebecca sat down, Mina moving up for her.
‘Oh God, not again,’ Mina said, clocking Robbie a second before he stood before them. He pulled an envelope from his jacket pocket, smiling at Holly. Hans looked like he wanted to murder him, but he stayed where he was. Luke was clinging to him like a rider would a rodeo bull.
‘Congratulations to you both. Evan tells me it’s a boy!’ That was a bit of a moot statement, given that the ‘it’s a boy’ banner was still up outside, after their announcement that afternoon. No one said anything. Holly was looking at him as if he’d rocked up in a chicken costume to a vegan party.
‘This is for you.’ Robbie offered the envelope to her, but she didn’t move, so he put it down on her leg and left it there. ‘So, we all ready for the competition? Becks?’
He addressed her directly now, all small talk gone. Rebecca looked him in the eye, and glared at him.
‘This is a private party Robbie, you weren’t invited. Don’t cause a scene, for once in your life. Just leave it alone.’
Mina made an ‘uh-huh’ sound in her throat. ‘Be nice, given the other night. Give it a rest, Robbie.’
‘Right yeah, big bad Robbie. Left his girl all alone in the hospital, whilst he went off on tour. I know, I’ve heard it all before. Except I didn’t leave her, she left me. She checked out of life!’ He jabbed in her direction wildly. ‘And now you’re back, good as ever.’
‘Pretty much,’ Luke said. ‘Now, please just leave it. I don’t want to ruin another shirt. And I am not spoiling Hans and Holly’s night.’
‘And you’re here. Perfect.’ Robbie rounded on him like a snake would a rodent. Except in this case, Luke wasn’t the sly rat. ‘Not dumped this one yet then.’ He thumbed in Luke’s direction, his eyes fixed on his ex. ‘Not engaged to him, are you? That’s more your style, quickie engagement before the comp and then sack the lot off after.’
The stunned faces around said it all, and Rebecca lost her temper. She could feel her face flushing with the shame of being outed in the room, but looking back now, she wasn’t quite sure he was the injured party after all.
‘No, no engagement. I’m not that stupid. Once was more than enough. Tell me, how much did you make from my accident in the end? Enough to get right back on tour after, eh? We shared the same agent Robbie, don’t bother lying. I bet no one can tell the difference with you anymore anyway.’ Luke was there, still holding Hans down and supporting Holly, but he was looking at Robbie as if daring him to make a move. His eyes were shark-like and slit almost shut. She touched his leg, and he moved to sit near her. Holly shuffled into Hans’s side.
‘Don’t you dare move,’ Holly whispered theatrically to her husband. ‘Baby trumps dickhead.’
Hans scowled but put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
‘Leave, Robbie, you weren’t invited for a reason. No one cares.’
‘Really?’ Robbie still didn’t take the hint. ‘I think they will, everyone loves a comeback story, eh Becks? Ex-lovers, fighting it out for the title. Not bad, eh? I can hear the merchandise money rattling in the tills already.’
‘I told you,’ Rebecca spat. ‘Not this year.’ Or any year at this rate.
‘Why wait till next?’ Robbie jeered. ‘Why else are you here? Can’t seem to figure that one out yet, but the gossips online soon will. Seen your Facebook lately?’ he sneered. ‘I won’t have to wait till the line-up announcement, I bet.’
Rebecca’s eyes flicked to Hans. He nodded at her as if to say, ‘take him down.’ She glanced at Holly, but she was cuddled up to Hans, looking relaxed.
‘You don’t need to wait,’ she said, pulling herself up off the sofa, and standing in front of him. Luke was right there with her, his hand still in hers as ever. ‘I’m—’
‘All in,’ Luke broke in. ‘Competition entries have gone in, she’s ready. She’s even been teaching me a few things. I entered the novice one. Looking forward to it, aren’t we Rebecca? Hans, Holly, it’s been lovely but—’
‘You entered together? What’s the point?’ Robbie scoffed. ‘You’re hardly in her league, are you?’
Luke’s jaw clenched.
‘Robbie, shut up.’ She couldn’t feel her face. ‘Sorry, Hans, Holly. Ring you tomorrow.’
They got past him unchecked, for some reason he was more interested in eyeballing Luke. The two men shuffled around each other like dogs on a lead, not knowing whether to bark or bite, or both. Rebecca couldn’t do anything but walk away, trying not to run. She was waiting for Luke to say something, but he was so quiet. Maybe the ex showing up again was a bit of a mood killer for boyfriends. She wasn’t feeling quite so bright and shiny herself.
‘I don’t get you Becks, I really don’t.’ Robbie was standing there now, addressing the room, not just her. He was in full influencer celebrity mode, she’d seen enough of his YouTube videos back in the day to realise now that he wasn’t addicted to the danger, or the sense of achievement you felt when you went out there and did your best. He was addicted to the byproducts – the fame, the hangers on. If he could film himself now, working up to his big monologue, it would already be livestreaming. They were almost at the door. She could feel Luke almost vibrating with anger at the side of her, and she knew he was holding it in for her. To get her out without causing a huge scene or make her look even more of a spectacle than she felt already. He was so angry with Robbie, had said so many times how he couldn’t believe anyone could be that calculating. His anger made her question her own, or lack of it.
‘See you soon then, Becks! Looking forward to seeing you on the slopes.’
Stopping at the door, she pulled away from Luke’s hand and walked through the rest of the party guests to get to Robbie. His smile faltered a little, and she leaned in, pushing her index finger deep into the middle of his chest. She wanted to poke it all the way through, take that swinging brick of a heart out of his chest and stamp on the bloody thing till it was dust.
‘You can tell people what you like, you can play the jilted loving fiancé, but we both know,’ She leaned in closer still, ‘You were out of this the minute my body hit the deck. You just wouldn’t admit it. The fact is Robbie, it took all that for me to see just what a shallow, fame-hungry, little div you are. Luke is three times the man you are, without even trying.’ She smiled then, her fears fading as she took in his shocked expression. ‘The best thing that ever happened to me was that ski breaking. It took me till now to see that. I’ll see you out there. If you can get close enough—’ she drew herself tall, making her voice that little bit stronger ‘—you can eat my snow, Robbie. I’m done with you, and I don’t care who knows it anymore. I know the truth, and so does everyone here. Carry on with your childish little stunts, and the rest of the world will too. You’re not the only one who had a platform, remember?’
She turned on her heels to walk away, but Robbie grabbed her wrist. She heard Luke suck in his teeth behind her, and she wrenched herself out of Robbie’s grip, holding out her hand behind her to stop Luke from coming over. She needed to do this herself. Look him right in the eye.
‘Don’t you ever touch me again. I’m leaving now. It’s over Robbie, it was before Canada.’
Robbie’s face fell a little more, and she knew she’d finally hit home. He wasn’t a monster, he was just addicted to the buzz. She was addicted herself at one time, to the feel of the snow beneath her feet, the adrenalin when she rushed down the mountain. It had been all she’d cared about for so long.
‘I …’ Even Robbie was stuck for words. The party atmosphere was one of stunned silence, but Rebecca could see that Hans and Holly were both smiling, and when she looked to Mina, she gave Rebecca a thumbs-up, brushing a tear from her face like a proud mama. Christ, she’d even taken Mina down. ‘I don’t know how we got here,’ Robbie muttered. It was the first honest thing he’d said.
‘We are where we’re meant to be Robbie, moving on.’ She looked over her shoulder at Luke, who looked like he was about to burst into tears himself. His eyes were blazing with emotion, and she smiled at him, lifting up her hand.
‘Luke, take me home.’
*
‘You were amazing,’ Luke marvelled as they lay in her bed, hours later. The lights were dim, one bedside lamp showing off the shadow of her collarbone as he looked down at her. He was propped up on one elbow, their lower limbs wrapped around each other in a complex love knot.
‘You weren’t so bad yourself,’ she grinned sleepily. God, she’s gorgeous. Robbie’s right, I’m not good enough for her. I’ll never stop trying though. ‘I think we broke the headboard at one point.’
He kissed her, and she touched her hand to his cheek.
‘Not that,’ he said, reluctantly pulling away. ‘Tonight, with him. You put him in his place. I think you made him understand.’
She didn’t say anything, just looked up to the ceiling.
‘Yeah, but he’ll soon have the last laugh, won’t he? I’m dreading competition day now. I’ll come for you and Hans, of course, but I might skip watching after you. I can watch the rest on the TV in the café. Holly can come down for the day, keep me company.’
She turned on her side and started to open the bedside drawer. Luke couldn’t do anything but hold his breath. He’d done it. Just like he said he would. He’d gone and messed everything right up.
Reaching in, she pulled out some papers. The competition entries her mother had sent her. She thumbed through them, frowning and thumbing through them again, a bit faster now. She sat up, looking into the drawer.
‘It’s not there.’
She turned to look at him, the covers pulled around her, papers spread out on the bed in front of her now, discarded.
‘What’s not there?’ Luke played dumb as long as he could. Maybe she’d give up looking. Maybe they could get through this night before reality hit. All the while he cursed himself to the heavens.
‘The Alpine Challenge Entry form. I …’
Rebecca was staring at him now, her confusion and trust breaking his heart. He’d done it. He’d gone and fucked everything up.
‘After we spoke to Dad, when we came back from the mountain that night. I saw the form filled out.’
He waited and forced himself to watch the moment when the cogs all stopped whirring and she realised what he’d done.
‘Luke, tell me you didn’t hand it in.’ She pulled the sheets around her tighter, closing her body off from him. ‘Please, tell me you didn’t enter me in the competition.’ Bingo. Survey says, you are going to get royally dumped, you idiot.
‘I’m so sorry. We’d been having such a good time, and when you were skiing, I don’t know – I just thought you could get back on the horse.’
‘Horse!’ she shouted, her voice cracking as she struggled to place which emotion was surging through her with the greatest potency. She angrily brushed a tear away, pulling the covers off the bed and heading towards the bedroom door. Naked, Luke jumped up from the bed and blocked the door.
‘Move! It’s not a horse, Luke. It’s a massive competition, on television, with everyone watching me and remembering the last time I jumped!’ She tried to get around him, but he held her tight.
‘But you told Robbie!’
‘I lied to shut him up!’ she shouted back. ‘Why would you do this?’
Wrapped in the quilt, she couldn’t do anything but kick out at him. She got him with a couple of elbow digs, but he didn’t move. He didn’t want her to leave. If she left the room, that would be it. He had to make her see.
‘I’m sorry, please! Please.’ He lifted his arms, letting her go but not moving from the door. She walked backwards, sitting on the edge of a bed like a sad burrito. He slid down the door and spread his legs out in front of him. ‘I wasn’t thinking about Robbie, I wasn’t thinking at all, I suppose. I just thought it might give you a push.’
‘This isn’t about Robbie.’ She didn’t take her eyes off the floor. ‘I don’t need a push Luke, I’m done.’
‘But why the entry forms though? I know you haven’t competed, but—’
‘You don’t get it, do you?’
‘I get that you’re scared, but—’
‘You get that, do you? Shattered bones before, have you? Have you hit the ground and realised that you are not going to come out of it in one piece before? No Luke, you haven’t. I sat in a bed for weeks, left behind by most of the world. It’s not a game, Luke. It’s not for a trophy. I’m not scared, I’m just done with it.’
‘The woman I saw out on the snow this week isn’t done. I’ve been watching you. You are more alive on a pair of skis than most people are their whole lives. You shouldn’t turn your back on that.’ He wanted to push her, make her fight back. Why didn’t she want this? It worked with his dad, why not with her?
‘Turning your back on something is different than giving up. I’m not giving up.’
‘Really? Why are you mad then? You just told a whole room full of people that you were entering, you looked for the form. Why are you so mad?’ She was making his head spin.
‘Because it was my choice Luke! Not yours! You went through my things, and did it behind my back! Why are you here anyway? For me or for your dad?’ She stood up. ‘You can’t save everyone with a cute gesture and a big plan. I don’t need saving. It’s you that’s lost. Please, just go back to your room.’
‘I know I did wrong, Becks. I know that, but I’m an arse with only the best intentions for you. I’m not lost, I’m happy here. With you. I’ll sort it out, I’ll get the form back. No one will have to know.’
‘It’s too late, once it’s in, people will know. Damn it, Luke. Just go!’
‘No, please. Come into the lounge and talk. Just for a little while. I can’t leave things like this.’ He spied his pants on the floor, and quickly put them on. She didn’t move towards the door, so he took a chance and sat next to her on the bed. ‘I will never do anything like that again. I just thought that you were doing so well, I thought you’d be happy.’ Hans had told him more over the past week, and he knew that she was well enough to ski. Hell, she could still compete. She just never did. ‘I know someone who is stuck in a rut. I’ve felt like that pretty much my whole adult life, till I came here. I’m braver here, I want to do things, try new things. I want to show Dad that life isn’t all bacon sandwiches and pottering about in the garden. No more playing it safe.’
Rebecca took her chance and walked out into the hall. Luke stayed right where he was. She went towards the lounge, and Luke waited for the door to slam shut. Hans would probably be here in five to escort him off the premises. He sighed, wishing he could talk to his dad, ask his advice.
‘This was my life,’ Rebecca started, standing in her bedroom doorway, holding up the photo album he recognised from under the coffee table. She sat next to him on the bed again, pulling an arm out of the sheets to turn the pages. Page after page of Rebecca, Rebecca and Robbie, Rebecca and Hans, Holly and her, Mina and Evan, a few other faces that Luke recognised from the party. Her inner circle. ‘Was. I still have the friends, the ones that counted in the first place. I still live here, I ski. You saw me. I’m fine.’
‘Exactly! You’re better than fine. I did wrong, I’m sorry, but you can do this, Rebecca.’
She threw the album to the floor. It landed with a loud bang on the wooden surface.
‘How would you know? You’ve known me a week, Luke. Have you ever done anything that scared you, before your dad’s accident?’ He could feel his jaw clench. She’s hurting, don’t bite. ‘You never did anything before this Luke, you said it yourself.’ She was staring at him now, and he went to stand up. ‘You’ve never watched everything you’ve ever worked for, all that you have ever been, crash and burn around you. That ski broke, and it might as well have killed me. To be honest, it would have been less painful.’
‘Don’t you dare say that in front of me. Ever again. Dad had a stroke, and he gave up. I changed that. I changed you, and you changed me. We’re all here, trying! Let’s do it together! Fuck Robbie, screw the competition! Do it for that! Do it for the girl in those photos. She’s part of you Becks, she’s a part of you and always will be.’ She didn’t say anything back to him.
‘I’ll go to my room, but this isn’t over.’ He stood up and started to walk to his room. He went to reach for her but she moved out of his grasp. She was just sitting there, still wrapped in the quilt, make-up streaked eyes making her look so beautiful, and broken. He’d really gone and done it now. He needed to let her cool off.
‘Luke?’
He stopped and turned to face her. She wiped her face with a shaky hand and stood up tall.
‘Yeah?’ He held his breath.
‘I want you gone when I get up. Don’t contact me again. Go home Luke, spend time with your dad. It’s where you should be. You never should have left. Some things are just over.’
Striding over to the bedroom door, she slammed it in his face, leaving him standing in the hallway in his pants, wondering what the hell had gone wrong so fast.
Stunned, he stood staring, and reached up to the wood. Putting his hand on the surface, he rested his head on the wood and sighed.
‘Rebecca. I might not be perfect, but I am here. I would always be here. My dad sent me away. He made me leave the hospital. He stopped me from seeing him. I didn’t leave him, I came here to help him.’
‘Luke.’ The voice sounded faraway and tired. ‘You’re leaving soon anyway. The competition is in less than two months. We’re just ripping off the band aid early.’
‘It was never going to end after two months, don’t give me any of that crap.’ He knew she was angry, but he’d felt like she wanted this just as much as he did. Didn’t she? ‘Open the door, talk to me please.’
‘No Luke. Leave. I don’t want to see you. It’s done. The whole thing is done.’
Luke’s fingers itched to touch the door handle, but he didn’t move. He gave it one last try.
‘From one coward to another, you’ll have to face it sometime. And me. I’m not leaving, Bec. This isn’t over.’
Rebecca didn’t answer. He kept talking, telling her that she could do this, that he was sorry, that he was falling for her. She didn’t answer again. When the sun started to come out, Luke reluctantly left her doorway, packed his stuff up and headed to Hans’s place. Another person’s morning he was about to ruin. Lovely.