After two weeks of pleading, Angela eventually agreed to meet up with me. I didn’t expect her to want to continue our relationship, and I was too deep in my own brokenness to even hope for such an outcome, but I felt I owed it to her to apologise in person.
I met her outside her office in St Vincent Street.
She approached with her head down, hands in her pockets, and in the light of the streetlamps I could see the cloud of her breath in the air.
She looked up, flicked her hair away from her eyes with a toss of her head, and raised an eyebrow. Breath caught in my throat. She had never looked so beautiful.
I quailed at the thought of what was to come, but I had to do this. My selfishness had made both of us miserable and there was nothing I could do to mend that, but I could treat her with some dignity.
When she reached me she said, ‘I don’t know what you hope to achieve by this, John. We’re over.’ Her voice held a quiet strength.
When I tried to speak tears filled my eyes. Angela saw them and made a small sound of sympathy despite herself, moving her hand upwards as if to brush them away. Then she stopped herself and let her hand fall to her side.
‘I’m such a dick, Angela. I’m so sorry. You deserved better.’
‘Yes, I did.’ She took a step back, and crossed her arms across her abdomen. ‘I knew this day would come, John. I knew you’d hit the self-destruct button.’ Her tone was conciliatory. But then her expression clouded and there was anger behind her words. ‘Just, for God’s sake, don’t say that you still want us to be friends.’ She looked away as if pulling on her reserves. Then she turned back to face me. ‘This is all because I have a child, isn’t it?’
The truth of her words cut through me. Her eyes were swimming with tears, and I could feel emotion swell in my throat. I bit down on my lip in an attempt to control my feelings.
‘You fool, you still love me.’ She spoke without rancour, but with a deep sadness. Then looking deep into my eyes, she said, ‘Whatever demons you’re wrestling with, John, face up to them, or you’ll never be happy.’