SARAH’S PERILS
A heart-wrenching story of how one innocent young lady turns the tables on her evil-doing boyfriend…
and how carefully editing that story can dispel fog and make the writing clearer and more powerful.
Chapter 1 — Marked-up version
Sarah started stalking (stalked) toward the exit. Joe Howard could be so exasperating! He was walking (walked) toward her now, probably with some lame excuse for standing her up.
Catching (He caught) up with her, (.) he said, “I’m sorry,” (he said). (“) I’ve had a rough day. Forgive me?”
Sure, she started to think (thought). You say “I’m sorry,” and that makes everything all right. But she didn’t say it out loud. She reached her car and was pushing (pushed) the key into the ignition(.) when he (He) touched her shoulder.
“Please forgive me,” he was saying (said). “Look—I’m going to leave I’ll (leave) in a day or two. Can’t we part friends?”
“Do you try to ruin everybody’s life that way?” she said. Immediately she wished she hadn’t. She was being too hard on him, and she knew it. Her fingers started to drum (drummed) the steering wheel, making little hollow sounds. Total strangers began to hurry (hurried) by on the sidewalk, oblivious to their argument. Her life was beginning to fall (falling apart), and they were only thinking about what they were going to (would) have for dinner. Life just wasn’t fair.
Chapter 1 — Final version
Sarah stalked toward the exit. Joe Howard could be so exasperating! He walked toward her now, probably with some lame excuse for standing her up.
He caught up with her. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve had a rough day. Forgive me?”
Sure, she thought. You say “I’m sorry,” and that makes everything all right. But she didn’t say it out loud. She reached her car and pushed the key into the ignition. He touched her shoulder.
“Please forgive me,” he said. “Look—I’ll leave in a day or two. Can’t we part friends?”
“Do you ruin everybody’s life that way?” she said. Immediately she wished she hadn’t. She was too hard on him, and she knew it. Her fingers drummed the steering wheel, making little hollow sounds. Total strangers hurried by on the sidewalk, oblivious to their argument. Her life was falling apart, and they were only thinking about what they would have for dinner. Life just wasn’t fair.
Chapter 2 — Marked-up version
Joe Howard had jerked the passenger door open, slid into the seat, and put a slimy hand on her arm. Well, it might as well be slimy. He was slimy, the way he was seeing (saw) Judy behind her back. There were (She had) good reasons to feel as she did.
“You’re history,” she said. “I’m going to tear up every one of your pictures. Every one of your letters will be thrown (I’ll throw every letter) into the trash.”
“You’ve got it wrong,” he said. But (he took) that hand was taken away. Good thing, too. She was being stared at (He stared at her) with his wide eyes.
“Are you going to get out?” She had started the car and was now shifting shifted into drive. But he just sat there.
“God, Sarah, you’re something. You don’t believe everything told to you by that crazy woman (tells you), do you? She hasn’t even been (I haven’t even) seen by me (her) in a week.”
She thought about what he said. She had been called by Judy (had called her) from the hospital not an hour before, and said she and Joe were going to go to the dog races that night. There was something that (Something) didn’t add up.
“You talked with her,” she said. “Do you deny that?”
“Well, no. But (she called me) I was called by her. There was a conversation (She talked) about dogs. Dogs, Sarah. Like I have nothing better to do than watch them run around in a circle, chasing a fake rabbit.”
Joe Howard jerked the passenger door open, slid into the seat, and put a slimy hand on her arm. Well, it might as well be slimy. He was slimy, the way he saw Judy behind her back. She had good reasons to feel as she did.
“You’re history,” she said. “I’m going to tear up every one of your pictures. I’ll throw every letter into the trash.”
“You’ve got it wrong,” he said. But he took that hand away. Good thing, too. He stared at her with wide eyes.
“Are you going to get out?” She started the car and shifted into drive. But he just sat there.
“God, Sarah, you’re something. You don’t believe everything that crazy woman tells you, do you? I haven’t even seen her in a week.”
She thought about what he said. Judy had called from the hospital not an hour before, and said she and Joe were going to the dog races that night. Something didn’t add up.
“You talked with her,” she said. “Do you deny that?”
“Well, no. But she called me. She talked about dogs. Dogs, Sarah. Like I have nothing better to do than watch them run around in a circle, chasing a fake rabbit.”
Chapter 3 — Marked-up version
Sarah wasn’t sure what to think. Joe had a (Joe’s) story that sounded honest and truthful, but—well, would she be able to (could she) believe him?
She turned and glanced at him and remembered the day they’d met on this very street. She’d been (She was) dressing a store window mannequin at Thompson’s Clothing, and he had walked by outside, looking into the store’s window. He had seen (saw) her and stopped—just stopped, like he’d run into a brick wall. He had waved and he had smiled.
She had felt (was) embarrassed. Would she have been able to ignore (Could she have ignored) him if she hadn’t blundered and smiled back? She had realized that was a mistake right off. But it had been (was) too late to do anything about it and change things.
When she had gone (went) out for lunch, there he was, leaning against the storefront. “You’re gorgeous,” he had said. “Simply gorgeous. And you did a great job on that mannequin.”
Flattery, it seemed, had gotten him everywhere.
Sarah shook herself from her memories and turned and pulled into the street. She was driving (drove) south, toward her apartment building. The evening sun seemed to glance (glanced) off the high-rise windows into her eyes. She decided to go (drove) east to Long Street, and soon the sun was wholly and completely blocked.
“I see you’ve decided to forgive (forgiven) me,” Joe said, grinning. “May I come over tonight?”
Chapter 3 — Final version
Sarah wasn’t sure what to think. Joe’s story sounded plausible, but—well, could she believe him?
She glanced at him, and remembered the day they’d met on this very street. She was dressing a store window mannequin at Thompson’s Clothing, and he walked by outside, looking into the store’s window. He saw her and stopped—just stopped, like he’d run into a brick wall. He waved and smiled.
She had felt embarrassed. Could she have ignored him if she hadn’t blundered and smiled back? She realized that was a mistake right off. But it was too late to do anything about it.
When she went out for lunch there he was, leaning against the storefront. “You’re gorgeous,” he said. “Simply gorgeous. And you did a great job on that mannequin.”
Flattery, it seemed, had gotten him everywhere.
Sarah shook herself from her memories and pulled into the street. She drove south, toward her apartment building. The evening sun glanced off the high-rise windows into her eyes. She drove east to Long Street, and soon the sun was blocked.
“I see you’ve forgiven me,” Joe said, grinning. “May I come over tonight?”
Chapter 4 — Marked-up version
Sarah wasn’t sure what to do. She looked up and glanced into the rearview mirror and pulled into the traffic. She reached to (turned) the radio and turned it on low and hardly heard the commentator give a laxative commercial. Her seat shook as Joe reached out and pulled himself forward.
“I’m giving you a warning (you),” she said. “If you’re telling me a lie (lying), I’ll never forgive you.”
She gave him a look and saw (glanced at) his face. Her heart still did a flip-flop (flip-flopped) every time she saw those blue eyes, that square chin. He had some hair in front that (Hair) curled onto his forehead, and she wanted to take it and gently push it back into place. If only—
The car ahead slowed, and she took her foot from the floor and started to apply (slowly applied) pressure to the brake pedal. “I have to look ahead and pay attention to my driving,” she mumbled. She slowed to a stop (stopped) at the corner and sat there and waited for the light to change.
That’s when she saw Judy Underwood standing on the sidewalk in her stark-white nurse’s uniform. Judy stepped off the curb and tapped a thick file folder on the back window. I don’t believe this, Sarah was thinking. No way do I believe this.
Joe rolled the window down. “Where’ve you been?” Judy asked. “I’ve been waiting a whole hour.”
Sarah felt like slinking away. Instead, she threw the car into park and slammed her door open. “That’s it!” she said. She stepped on the street and got out of the car.
“You!” she screamed at Judy, while pointing to the driver’s seat. “Get in. You stole my boyfriend. You might as well come and take my car, too!”
Chapter 4 — Final version
Sarah wasn’t sure what to do. She glanced into the rearview mirror and pulled into the traffic. She turned the radio on low, and hardly heard the laxative commercial. Her seat shook as Joe pulled himself forward.
“I’m warning you,” she said. “If you’re lying, I’ll never forgive you.”
“Not to worry,” he said.
She glanced at his face. Her heart still flip-flopped every time she saw those blue eyes, that square chin. Hair curled onto his forehead, and she wanted to gently push it back into place. If only—
The car ahead slowed, and she slowly applied the brake. “I have to pay attention to my driving,” she said. She stopped at the corner and waited for the light to change.
That’s when she saw Judy Underwood standing on the sidewalk in her stark-white nurse’s uniform. Judy stepped off the curb and tapped a thick file folder on the back window. I don’t believe this. No way do I believe this.
Joe rolled the window down. “Where’ve you been?” Judy asked. “I’ve been waiting a whole hour.”
Sarah felt like slinking away. Instead, she threw the car into park and slammed her door open. “That’s it!” she said. She stepped out of the car.
“You!” she screamed at Judy, while pointing to the driver’s seat. “Get in. You stole my boyfriend. You might as well take my car, too!”
Chapter 5 — Marked-up version
Sarah stalked down the street. She felt that Joe had betrayed her. She saw him running. (He ran) after her.
(He stopped) in front of her, out of breath. “Sarah, you don’t understand,” he was saying, pleadingly (said).
She paused, saw him stop. “No, you’re the one who doesn’t seem to understand,” she yelled (said). “I think you’re (You’re) the most despicable person I’ve ever met.”
She saw a (A) car stop (stopped) behind hers and heard its horn (sounded). “I think you’d (You’d) better move Judy’s new car,” she said, tossing the car keys at him. She saw them bounce (They bounced) off his chest.
“I see you (You) don’t understand,” he said, plaintively.
“Understand what?” She felt her guard go (Her guard went) up. Was this another trick(?), she wondered.
“Of course, you don’t,” he (said) mumbled. “I didn’t tell you.”
She could hear more (More) honking (sounded). She saw a (A) half dozen cars were now stacked up behind hers.
“I think this (This) is one of your tricks,” she said.
“No, I swear.” She felt him put his hands on (He touched) her shoulder. “I just learned I have cancer. Judy’s my doctor’s nurse. That dog-racing business—she was just trying to take my mind off the cancer.”
Sarah could see he (He) was serious. “Well, I don’t know,” she said, thoughtfully.
“I think you (You) should come back and ask her yourself,” he said.
Sarah stalked down the street. Joe had betrayed her. He ran after her.
He stopped in front of her, out of breath. “Sarah, you don’t understand,” he said.
She paused. “No, you’re the one who doesn’t understand,” she said. “You’re the most despicable person I’ve ever met.”
A car stopped behind hers and its horn sounded. “You’d better move Judy’s new car,” she said, tossing the car keys at him. They bounced off his chest.
“You don’t understand,” he said.
“Understand what?” Her guard went up. Was this another trick.
“Of course, you don’t,” he said. “I didn’t tell you.”
More honking sounded. A half dozen cars were now stacked up behind hers.
“This is one of your tricks,” she said.
“No, I swear.” He touched her shoulder. “I just learned I have cancer. Judy’s my doctor’s nurse. That dog-racing business—she was just trying to take my mind off the cancer.”
He was serious. “Well, I don’t know,” she said.
“You should come back and ask her yourself,” he said.
Chapter 6 — Marked-up version
Sarah stared at Joe. “I don’t know whether to believe you or not(.),” she said, a touch of doubt in her voice. “A part of me wants to, but some things don’t seem to add up. Am I to really believe you have cancer? It would seem to me that you would have told me about that sooner, and not wait until now. Why, if you really do have it, that’s awful. I—”
(His eyebrows raised.) “Why shouldn’t you believe me(?),” he said, questioningly. “Look—I’m dying of cancer. Why would I want to lie?”
“Well, I don’t believe it(.),” (She crossed her arms and stared at the ground.) she said, thinking he was probably lying.
He took her hand. “Come ask Judy,” he said in a pleading way. “She’ll tell you.”
“I—I guess it couldn’t hurt(.),” she said hesitantly. She started following (followed) him toward her car. Judy, standing by the door, appeared nervous.
“I told her about my cancer,” Joe said. “You know—the cancer you came to tell me about?”
Judy stared blankly at him for several seconds(.), obviously thinking about what he said. “The—the cancer?” she said, after a pause.
“The cancer you came to tell me about, remember?” he said, almost repeating himself. “I told Sarah you were just giving me more information about it.”
“Oh, that cancer!” Judy said, reaching out and touching Sarah’s arm. “That’s what the doctor said.”
(Sarah glanced at Joe.) “Oh, goodness,” Sarah started to say. “Joe, I’m so sorry.”
Wait. Something was amiss. Something about Judy’s hand….
(Joe caught her stare and looked up.) “Is something wrong?” Joe said.
That—that ring on Judy’s hand! “Oh, I see it all now,” she said, as if she realized something. “Joe—that’s your ring!”
Chapter 6 — Final version
Sarah stared at Joe. “I don’t know whether to believe you or not.”
His eyebrows raised. “Why shouldn’t you believe me? Look—I’m dying of cancer. Why would I lie?”
“Well, I don’t believe it.” She crossed her arms and stared at the ground.
He took her hand. “Come ask Judy. She’ll tell you.”
“I—I guess it couldn’t hurt.” She followed him to her car. Judy, standing by the door, appeared nervous.
“I told her about my cancer,” Joe said. “You know—the cancer you came to tell me about?”
Judy stared blankly at him for several seconds. “The—the cancer?”
“The cancer you came to tell me about, remember? I told Sarah you were just giving me more information about it.”
“Oh, that cancer!” Judy touched Sarah’s arm. “That’s what the doctor said.”
Sarah glanced at Joe. “Oh, goodness. Joe, I’m so sorry.”
Wait. Something was amiss. Something about Judy’s hand….
Joe caught her stare and looked up. “Is something wrong?”
That—that ring on Judy’s hand! “Oh, I see it all now. Joe—that’s your ring!”
Anger warmed the cheeks of Sarah’s face (cheeks). She put the palm of her hand on (grabbed) the (opened) door, which was open, for support.
Joe said, (pursed his lips.) “Well, what really happened, was—”
She slid into the driver’s seat. “Forget it, Joe. You two get away from my car!”
Judy moved away from the car and stepped onto the edge of the sidewalk, and Joe slammed the door of the car closed. “You don’t know what you’re doing, Sarah. The doctor said I have cancer of the lungs.”
“Right.” Sarah had a (Her) head that throbbed, and a (her) boyfriend who was being unfaithful. Which was worse?
Sarah slammed the gearshift home and screeched out. She turned left at the next corner of the street, swerving to miss (oncoming) traffic coming her way. That Joe was going to (would) get his, she fumed. He—
Her cell phone rang, and she jumped. She opened it and spoke into the mouthpiece. “Hello?”
“It’s me.” Joe’s voice. “Don’t hang up! Can I trust you?”
“What?”
“I need to talk with you about something of importance to the nation. It has to do with the CIA. I’ll be at your place at eight this evening. Be there.”
He hung up, ending the conversation.
Chapter 7 — Final version
Anger warmed Sarah’s cheeks. She grabbed the opened door for support.
Joe pursed his lips. “Well, what really happened, was—”
She slid into the driver’s seat. “Forget it, Joe. You two get away from my car!”
Judy stepped onto the sidewalk, and Joe slammed the door closed. “You don’t know what you’re doing, Sarah. The doctor said I have cancer of the lungs.”
“Right.” Her head throbbed, and her boyfriend was unfaithful. Which was worse?
Sarah slammed the gearshift home and screeched out. She turned left at the next corner, swerving to miss oncoming traffic. That Joe would get his, she fumed. He—
Her cell phone rang, and she jumped. She opened it. “Hello?”
“It’s me.” Joe’s voice. “Don’t hang up! Can I trust you?”
“What?”
“I need to talk with you about something of importance to the nation. It has to do with the CIA. I’ll be at your place at eight this evening. Be there.”
He hung up.
Chapter 8 — Marked-up version
Sarah slammed the cell phone onto the seat. Damn him! She switched on the radio, and the loud rock-and-roll music from it seemed to be making (made) her even more agitated. She (sighed) let out a sigh. Even the traffic was as busy as Grand Central Station (terrible). She turned left on the other side of (beyond) the mall to avoid it.
The car in the road ahead of her suddenly stopped at the blink of an eye (abruptly), (and she braked hard). Too late, she took her foot off the accelerator and put it on the brake, and pressed hard. Her car skidded on the road beneath her and her car tapped the other’s rear bumper. She (tensed) felt her body go tense.
(She glanced at) Her eyes moved over the other car. Apparently, no damage. “Sorry,” she called out, as she pulled around it. That damned, lying Joe!
She pondered the meaning of the phone call. Important to the nation? (What did that mean?) She needed to try to understand what he meant. (Why,) She was starting to think that he was being dishonest with her. Joe, Joe, my boy. You’re full of it. But I’ll get even. You—
And then it hit her, like a bolt from the blue. The perfect solution. After all, all was fair in love and war.
She arrived at her apartment building, pulled into her assigned (parking) spot in the parking area, got out, and soon she was (soon) in her eighth floor apartment.
Meet her here at eight, huh? Well, okay.
Cool as a cucumber, she (She calmly) walked over to the phone and picked it up (the phone) and dialed the number for Thompson’s Clothing.
Chapter 8 — Final version
Sarah slammed the cell phone onto the seat. Damn him! She switched on the radio, and the loud rock-and-roll music made her even more agitated. She sighed. Even the traffic was terrible. She turned left beyond the mall to avoid it.
The car ahead stopped abruptly, and she braked hard. Her car skidded and tapped the other’s rear bumper. She tensed.
She glanced at the other car. Apparently, no damage. “Sorry,” she called out, as she pulled around it. That damned, lying Joe!
She pondered the phone call. Important to the nation? What did that mean? Why, he was being dishonest. Joe, Joe, my boy. You’re full of it. But I’ll get even. You—
And then it hit her. The perfect solution.
She arrived at her apartment building, pulled into her assigned parking spot, and was soon in her eighth floor apartment.
Meet her here at eight, huh? Well, okay.
She calmly picked up the phone and dialed the number for Thompson’s Clothing.
Chapter 9 — Marked-up version
Sarah licked the pencil tip. Revenge, sweet revenge. Then she (She) put her pencil to the paper and wrote the message: Joe. The door’s unlocked. I have a surprise for you.
She signed her name, then got some tape and taped the note on the outside of her apartment door(, and). She suddenly looked (glanced) at her watch. She knew that Joe would be there soon. She just had one more note to write. She (sat at) went to the table that was by the open balcony door and sat at it and wrote bold letters on a large piece of paper.
Suddenly the (The) elevator door clicked in the hall. She dropped the paper on the carpet by the hall door and then ran into the bedroom. Her eyes traveled (She peered) back through the crack between the door and the jamb. Suddenly, Joe opened the door and entered.
“Sarah?” He looked (frowned) down and saw (at) the note, and then he frowned. He picked it up and read it, and slumped. “Oh, God(.),” he was saying. He started to walk toward the balcony, and then he ran out onto (the balcony) it.
Sarah counted. One, two, three…
“Sarah!” he suddenly screamed. “God, what did I do?”
Silence. Then he came back in and just kept walking until he was (He walked back through the apartment and) out the hall door. Moments later, the elevator clicked.
It went without saying that he (He) was gone from her life forever.
Sarah then went into the living room and picked up the note. She was smiling (smiled) as she read it: “I’m tired of your unfaithfulness. I’m going to jump off the balcony.”
She suddenly walked out onto the balcony and her eyes hit (stared down at) the ground. In the final analysis, the (The) store mannequin did look real. Especially the way its arms and legs were twisted every which way.
Gotcha, Joey baby.
Chapter 9 — Final version
Sarah licked the pencil tip. Revenge, sweet revenge. She put her pencil to the paper and wrote the message: Joe. The door’s unlocked. I have a surprise for you.
She signed her name, taped the note on the outside of her apartment door, and glanced at her watch. Joe would be there soon. She just had one more note to write. She sat at the table by the open balcony door and wrote bold letters on a large piece of paper.
The elevator door clicked in the hall. She dropped the paper on the carpet by the hall door and ran into the bedroom. She peered back through the crack between the door and the jamb. Joe opened the door and entered.
“Sarah?” He frowned down at the note, picked it up and read it, and slumped. “Oh, God.” He ran out onto the balcony.
Sarah counted. One, two, three…
“Sarah! God, what did I do?”
Silence. He walked back through the apartment and out the hall door. Moments later, the elevator clicked.
He was gone from her life forever.
Sarah went into the living room and picked up the note. She smiled as she read it: “I’m tired of your unfaithfulness. I’m going to jump off the balcony.”
She walked out onto the balcony and stared down at the ground. The store mannequin did look real. Especially the way its arms and legs were twisted every which way.
Gotcha, Joey baby.