| |
ERIC
Looking down at the top of the crayon-mixed-with-paint smelling blond head of Alexa’s child, my first instinct is to recoil.
Not in disgust.
But because it feels so god damn...odd...
Her little body feels too small, too delicate for me to be holding.
She shifts on my lap and then she turns her face to look up into mine.
And that’s when I feel my heart almost stop in my chest.
With her wide blue eyes, she looks directly into mine, seemingly okay with accepting me immediately as she asks, “Do you like your cookie?”
Swallowing thickly, it takes me a moment to figure out what she is asking me.
She never moves her attention from my face as my mind catches up.
“Ummm...yeah. It’s really good,” I reply hesitantly.
“Then why are you not eating it?” she asks, again keeping her eyes trained on my face.
I immediately feel in over my head.
“I...” I stutter and then snap my mouth shut.
Jesus Eric. It’s just a small human, - I silently reprimand myself.
Clearing my throat, I finally respond, “I was side-tracked talking to your...” I hesitate over the word before finishing with, “Mom.”
“What does side-tracked mean?” Jenny asks quickly, clearly not having any problems with her speech.
Shifting in my chair, Jenny loses her balance for a moment and my arms come out quickly to go around her, to prevent her from falling.
Instantly, she trustingly falls back against my chest and begins eating her cookie again, causing my heart to beat thickly. The top of her blond head rests just underneath my chin.
Despite my body being stiff as a board, I leave my arms around her.
“So, what does side-tracked mean?” I hear her ask again.
Looking down at my lap, filled with this kid who is carelessly dropping cookie crumbs all over myself and her, I distractedly reply, “Becoming busy with something else.”
There is silence for a few minutes after that and I know it only feels awkward to me as the blond bundle in my arms continues to relax easily into me, blithely unaware of the staggering amounts of emotions that are running through my body.
All created by her.
“When are you taking my Mommy to a movie?” she asks, again around a mouthful of cookie.
Swallowing, I stare at the kitchen door, willing Alexa to hurry back.
“Ummmm...I’m not sure,” I reply.
She nods and then says, “Mommy works so hard all of the time. I’m glad you’re taking her to a movie because she deserves it.”
Finally, the kitchen door opens, and Alexa reappears.
She pauses for a moment, taking in the sight of Jenny and I, her gaze connecting and holding mine.
I see vulnerability in her expression, like she’s silently begging me not to hurt someone who’s so important to her while also letting me know that she is trusting me a little by letting me meet Jenny.
I can’t help but shift again, so very uncomfortable, as I hear Jenny ask, “Can I have another cookie, Mommy?”
Alexa’s gaze drifts to Jenny.
“No, honey. You need to go get changed. It’s time to water the horses,” Alexa replies, and I can detect that from her tone that she is struggling, just like me, with many emotions.
Jenny quickly scoots herself out of my arms, distracting me momentarily from Alexa’s gaze, before running towards the stairs. I turn my eyes back to Alexa, but her gaze shifts to follow her daughter out of the room and remains there long after she has gone.
Silence descends, hanging thickly between us.
“Is Beatrice okay?” I finally manage to ask.
Alexa nods and then finally turns her attention back to me.
The unshed tears I see there, tugs at my heart.
“Are you okay?” I ask gently.
“Eric...” she whispers in a plea. “I don’t know if this is good idea.”
I’m up and out of my chair before I even realize I am. Crossing the small kitchen to her, I reach out to take her hands.
Staring down into her eyes, I ask, “Why? What did I do wrong?”
Alexa shakes her head, smiling a sad smile of loss as she replies, “You didn’t do anything wrong. But seeing her in your arms...” She inhales deeply, her breath shaky before she continues, “She’s already accepted you and she’ll only become more attached. She’s never had a dad that wanted anything to do with her and I’m scared she may start to see you as that.” She smiles apologetically as she finishes with, “And I don’t think you’re ready for that.”
Her words hurt, and hurt deeply, but I also understand her fear.
Because I’m fearful myself that I won’t be able to do this.
Nodding, letting her know that I understand and acknowledge what she is saying, I take a moment to think before I reply.
Squeezing her hands, I finally have the words, speaking only the truth as I reply, “I don’t know how I will manage all of this, but I do know for certain that I want to try.” I gently tug her hands, so her gaze connects with mine as I continue, “I also know there is no place I’d rather be right now, than here with you...” I swallow thickly before saying, “And Jenny.”
Alexa releases one of her hands from mine as her gaze changes, softening, as she brings her hand up to behind my head to pull me down to her for a soft kiss.
My heart races, accelerating out of control, as I realize that I just “stepped up to the plate” as they say. Wrapping my free arm around Alexa’s waist, I pull her up and into me.
God, it feels so good to be with her, - I silently think as a feeling of belonging settles around me.
She breaks the kiss, opening her eyes to stare into mine, as she whispers against my lips, “You’re like my own personal angel...”
My heart kicks...
Because I know that I’m anything but.
Staring into her eyes, I say a silent prayer that I can live up to her expectations.
Gently, she kisses me again, her eyes closing slowly as mine do the same. Bringing her in tighter to my chest, she releases my other hand and it slides up and into my hair as mine slides around her waist, never wanting to let this heady feeling go.
“Ewwww...” we hear the voice from the tiny human that has returned a few moments later.
Alexa only chuckles against my lips, gently tugging on my hair in playfulness, before she steps out of my arms. I watch, my cock now pulsing to have Alexa again, as she turns to Jenny.
“Where are your socks?” Alexa asks in a soft, chiding tone.
“I got side-tracked,” is Jenny’s quick reply.
I can’t help the quick chuckle that escapes from my chest.
Alexa quickly looks at me before turning her attention back to Jenny and sighing, “Go back and get them.”
Jenny sighs, just like her mother, before turning to do as told.
Alexa’s gaze comes to me in amusement as she says, “She hates to wear socks.” Then shaking her head, she asks, “I wonder where she learned that phrase?”
Feeling only amusement in return, I ask, “Changing your mind about all of this?”
Alexa’s amusement fades as she steps back into my arms, standing on her tippy toes as she brushes her mouth over mine, choosing to avoid answering my question.
Then she pushes away from me, and before I have a chance to pull her back into me, Jenny hits the bottom step of the stairs, this time with socks covering each of her feet.
Taking Jenny’s hand after she walks into the kitchen, Alexa looks over at me as she says, “Us girls have to get back to work.”
Wanting to be with them, never feeling so light hearted in my life, I ask, “How can I help?”
Alexa’s smile widens as she says cheekily, “Why don’t you just follow Jenny. She knows what has to be done.”
Jenny’s chest swells, feeling pride in being given the task of training an adult, as she says to her mother, “I’ll teach him, Mommy.”
Alexa laughs, leading her daughter out the door, leaving me to follow, as she replies, “I’m sure you will, Jenny. I’m sure you will.”
Once outside, Jenny takes over my teaching, showing me where the water hose is, and I watch in amazement as she drags the heavy hose from stall to stall, to fill each of the horse’s buckets. I try my best to take the hose from her but she’s having none of that as she tells me that I should just watch for today but that if I was around tomorrow, I could do it on my own. Feeling helplessly - but also highly amused, I follow her around as she then goes about laying out the evening feed in each stall. I don’t miss the amused smile Alexa can’t keep hidden at my predicament as she spends the time working with a horse in the arena.
When the last stall has its evening feed delivered, Jenny looks up at me with those clear blue eyes of hers as she says sincerely, “You did a good job. Mommy will be happy, and you may get an extra cookie.”
Then with that, she walks past me to where Alexa is still working in the ring.
Following her, unable to keep the amusement off my face, I watch as she leans on the fence, one foot propped up on the bottom rung as I’ve seen cowhands do.
“Did he do a good job, Jenny?” Alexa calls out, merriment is clear in her tone, as she holds onto a rope of some sort. The horse she’s working with runs in circles, around and around.
“He sure did, Mommy,” she calls back confidently.
Nodding, Alexa flicks me a quick, amused smile, before bringing her attention back to the horse she has been circling and circling around her.
Wanting to know more about Alexa and her life, I know the small child standing next to me has many of the answers I was looking for.
Leaning against the fence, propping my foot on the bottom rung so that I’m imitating her exactly, I glance over and down at Jenny as I ask, “So what’s Mommy doing now?” It feels weird to address Alexa as Mommy.
Without hesitation, Jenny replies, “She’s lunging Chelsea. She has a lot of nervous energy and Mommy is hoping to be able to saddle her by the end of the week.”
Nodding, I ask, “And how does she saddle her?”
With her eyes trained on her mother, she replies as if she’s forty-five instead of whatever young age she is, “With lots of time and patience.”
This time, it’s my turn to be amused.
But her next words wipe away all amusement.
“I love when my Mommy smiles. She’s been crying a lot.”
My heart squeezes tight as I ask, “Do you know why she’s been crying?”
Jenny nods her head, as she replies, “Mommy doesn’t know that I know but I hear her and Miranda talking. They think I don’t hear them sometimes, but I do. I heard them say your name once and Mommy got really sad. She tried to hide her crying from me, but I seen her tears before she wiped them away. She is also really worried about where we are going to live because Beatrice is sick and wants to sell the farm.”
Reeling from everything this bright little girl has said, I watch Alexa, my heart aching heavily in my chest.
Jenny turns her face up to look at mine, drawing my attention back to her, as she asks so very innocently, “Please don’t make my Mommy cry again like you did before.”
I can’t respond so instead I stand there both mystified by this small child who seems so smart while my heart hurts from realizing how much I’d hurt Alexa by walking away from her like I did.
I want to tell Jenny that it won’t happen again, but Alexa sings out, “Whoa,” to the horse, taking Jenny’s full attention away from me. The horse slows and then comes to a standstill before she grasps the bridle, calling out to Jenny, “Your turn.”
Jenny nods, excited, as she climbs easily between the fence and enters the ring. I feel as if I’m floating, trying to comprehend everything that Jenny has revealed as I continue to watch as mother and daughter then walk around the ring with my heart feeling as if it’s torn.
And my mind stumbles, fumbling.
With Beatrice selling this place soon, I begin to wonder what Alexa’s plans are. Would she be moving soon? Where did she plan to go?
A few minutes later, both girls make their way to me with smiles across both of their faces while I try to force a smile I’m not feeling right now across my face.
I swallow the thick lump.
Alexa loses her smile, worry slipping across her face, as she asks, “You okay?”
I nod and force another smile.
“Is Eric staying for dinner, Mommy?” Jenny asks.
Alexa holds my eyes for a minute, and I once again see her vulnerability as she says hesitantly, “That’s up to Eric.”
Accepting the dinner invitation immediately as I think of having to spend a long evening alone, I nod as I reply meaningfully, “I’d like to stay.”
I see relief enter Alexa’s eyes and I realize that she had misread me.
She’d thought that I’d gotten cold feet and was going to run again.
Wishing I could pull her close, reassure her in the best way I knew how, I instead settle for reaching for her hand and then wrapping my fingers tightly through hers, I give a gentle reassuring squeeze.
Jenny, without hesitating, hands the lunge rope to her mother, before crossing in front of us to slip her hand into my other one.
Shocked, filled with emotions I never felt before, I stare stupidly down at her for a moment, but she’s once again blithely unaware of all the emotions spiralling through me. I can feel Alexa watching me closely and had felt the slight tightening of my hand on hers when Jenny had placed hers in mine.
Jenny gives a slight tug and I feel myself step forward, Alexa following suit, as Jenny picks up the conversation by saying, “Mommy and I made lasagna last night for supper tonight. We always make dinner the night before when the sun goes down because Mommy doesn’t have enough time during the day to make a nutritious meal for us.”
Nodding, I try to make my brain focus on Jenny’s words, instead of the myriad of emotions whirling through me.
Reaching the barn, Jenny lets go of my hand to run ahead to push the stall door open. Reluctantly, I release Alexa’s hand as she turns her attention back to Chelsea to lead her into the stall. While her and Jenny turn their attentions to brushing Chelsea, I watch, still contemplating Jenny’s words from before.
Scared that this peace that I’ve found may be taken away from me soon if Alexa has no where to go. I think of buying the farm, but I know Alexa well enough by now as to what her response would be.
She would never be okay with it.
So instead of risking losing her, I put it out of my mind and convince myself to just take this slow. Now was not the time to begin that battle.
The girls finish up a few minutes later, and as Jenny slides the bolt across the stall door, I reach for Alexa’s hand again, needing the contact. Jenny, without hesitation once again, places her hand in my free one. We walk like this, back to the house, and it suddenly becomes clear to me how vulnerable these two females are.
Alexa has never once mentioned her family. From what I’d seen or heard so far, Miranda was her only family. With Beatrice selling the farm, just where would these two end up? It wouldn’t be easy for them to find another place with all of the horses that are under Alexa’s care.
Before when I’d been here in Alexa’s house, I’d been too caught up in Miranda and her interrogation to pay much attention to my surroundings. This time when I enter, I begin to notice the finer details about the house, of how sparse and old the furnishings were.
I finally comprehend that Alexa isn’t financially stable. Just one glance around her home and anyone could see that.
“I need to grab a shower and Jenny needs to get cleaned up for dinner. Are you okay to wait here?” Alexa asks.
Nodding, wistfully wishing I could join her, I lean down and press a quick, light kiss to her lips.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I whisper against her cheek, hoping I’m reassuring her. I know she has felt every one of my wildly swinging emotions. Alexa was always so good at that.
As I straighten, she catches my eyes, holding them for a moment, assessing me until she gets the answer she is looking for. Releasing my hand, she crosses to the oven and sets the preheat before heading to the fridge to take out a tin foil covered dish. Then she’s back to Jenny and I, holding out her hand for Jenny’s free one. I feel the reluctance in Jenny’s body with having to release me as Alexa asks, “Can you put the lasagna in the oven when you hear a beep?”
I nod in reply and then watch silently as the two of them disappear up the steps.
Running my hands over my face, feeling somewhat anxious about the predicament Alexa is in, I let them drop back to my sides as I now feel the urge to explore Alexa and Jenny’s home. The kitchen was pretty basic, with just a stove and fridge that had seen better days but was impeccably clean. The table I’d been sitting at earlier was old and rickety, obviously put to much use. I wander across the narrow hall to find a completely empty dining room before entering the living room where a well-worn sofa and a mismatched chair, along with a floor lamp and a heavily scratched up coffee table are the only furnishings.
I’ve never before been in a home with such sparse and old furnishings.
I’ve also never been in a home that had been filled with such deep love as what Alexa and Jenny have for one another.
My heart gives another deep thud.
I’d never once clued in when Alexa came to visit me that she was struggling financially. She had always come across to me as a strong, independent woman who was naturally, and beautifully, vibrant.
And it causes my mind to begin to wonder...
Just how did she get here?