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ALEXA
Tipping my head back, I allow the water to beat down on my face for a moment.
Watching Jenny with Eric, how easily she accepted him, had broken my heart a little. When she’d slipped her tiny hand into Eric’s, I’d felt Eric’s moment of stiffness. I’d also realized how much Jenny had missed having a father and it made me ache for her. I could tell by how she reacted to Eric that she had high hopes that he would somehow be her dad. She often talked about her friend’s dads and often wondered about her own. Someday I would have to tell her about him but right now she was much too young to learn about her biological father. She would never understand at her young age exactly what her father is and why I’m keeping her away from him.
But am I doing the right thing for her by allowing Eric into her life? – I silently question myself. Am I being selfish and stupidly blind? Or, am I just setting us both up for a lot more pain and hurt?
Sighing, heavily, I drop my head forward.
In so many ways, I’m just tired of thinking.
Of worrying.
It has been a constant and daily part of my life since Jack.
Always worrying how I was going to be able to feed myself and Jenny.
Worrying if I would be able to pay rent this month.
Worrying if Jack was going to show up at some point and always looking over my shoulder.
Now it had only seemingly gotten worse.
My fears of Jack finding us had already come true and now my worry has moved on to how I was going to be able to keep Jack away from Jenny. I also had the extra worry about where we are going to live after Beatrice sells this place.
It’s all becoming just too much, too overwhelming.
Throwing Eric in on top of all that...
Allowing him so close to the only person in this world that I’d sacrificed my whole life for...
Shaking my head, I turn off the shower.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly and purposefully exhale, as I silently tell myself to stop thinking, to just take one day at a time.
It was too late to reverse what had already been set in motion.
Sliding back the shower curtain, I reach for the well-worn towel, wrapping it around me as I observe Jenny sitting on the old chair I placed in the washroom for her some time ago. Being a single mom meant having to be extra creative in keeping your small child occupied to do something as simple as taking a shower, while keeping them close. When Jenny had been old enough to walk around on her own, I’d placed the chair in the washroom along with a pile of books in a basket. As she grew, we’d established my shower time before dinner as her reading time. Now looking at her, with her head bent, one finger tracing underneath each of the words she was reading aloud, my heart aches.
I will always just want what was best for her.
So, was I being selfish by allowing Eric so close?
It’s all I think of as I dry myself, slather on a homemade moisturizer of coconut oil, before pulling on my clothes.
Pulling my damp hair up into a pony tail, I turn my full attention to Jenny.
“Hey, sweetness,” I say softly.
She turns her sweet face up to mine, and as I lovingly trace every feature with my eyes, I ask softly, “How do you feel about Eric being here?”
I watch, my heart tripping, as her eyes change completely to one of excitement.
“I like him, Mommy,” she says. “I like how he makes you smile.”
Tears brim on my lower eyelids. She has always been such an intuitive child.
“My friend at school has a daddy that comes and picks her up sometimes as a surprise,” she continues, with excitement and hope clear in her tone. “He is really strong and pretends he is a big crane and lifts her up to sit on his shoulder. She always laughs and giggles and I sometimes wish I knew what that felt like. Eric looks strong, like her dad. Do you think he’ll do the same to me when he becomes my daddy? Because it looks like a lot of fun.”
I feel my heart stop in my chest.
Panic sets in as I kneel down before her.
“Jenny...” I begin, then swallow thickly before I can continue, “Eric is my friend. He’s not your daddy.”
She nods, as if she comprehends fully, before she replies easily, “I know he’s only your friend right now but my other friend at school told me how her mom started going to movies with her friend, like Eric wants to take you to movies, and now they are married.”
I swallow thickly, trying to push back the panic. This had been a stupid move by me. I shouldn’t have allowed Eric to stay here today, to meet Jenny. She already had way too high expectations of him.
But now it was too late to take it back because he is waiting downstairs for us and if I went down now and sent him away, I know Jenny would protest.
I should have taken it slower and made him leave before she got home.
Removing the book from her hands, I grasp them tight in desperation for her to understand, to slow down her expectations, as I reply, “Honey, Eric and I have only just become...” I struggle for a moment to describe to a six-year-old what Eric and I are before I continue, “Friends. Please don’t expect anything other than him being your friend, okay?”
She holds my gaze for a moment, her eyes becoming sad as she says in a reluctant tone, “Okay, Mommy.”
Quickly, I pull her into me for a hug. Closing my eyes, I whisper a silent prayer to whatever higher being exists, to watch over her.
That I don’t make a mistake with her.
Releasing her a few moments later, I straighten and take her hand.
As we take the stairs together, Jenny releases my hand halfway down, and quickly finishes the rest of the steps, hitting the bottom step and then running to the kitchen.
Shaking my head, still questioning myself, I lose all thought as I walk into the kitchen.
Eric is standing by the counter, looking sexier than ever with his tight faded jeans and rolled up sleeves exposing the tattoo on his left arm, cutting my lasagna into perfect portions while Jenny holds a plate for him as she keeps up a steady chatter.
I see him smile in amusement and my heart melts.
He looks up at that moment and I lose my breath as his gaze connects with mine.
I see a peace in him that I’ve never seen before and it causes my heart to beat erratically.
I realize in that moment that this is the most dangerous side of him for me.
Because I’m being drawn in deeper.
Because I want to keep that look on his face always.
Stupidly I acknowledge that I never want him to leave me even though I know a man like Eric will soon tire of this game of playing house.
Silently, I plead with him, - Please don’t hurt us too badly when you’ve had enough of playing pretend. Neither of us will survive well after you.
But a warm, sexy smile spreads across his face for me only and I immediately push away some of my worries.
“Table is set, and dinner is being served,” he says softly. “Why don’t you sit, and Jenny and I will take care of the rest?”
Swallowing thickly, feeling slightly off-kilter with being served something as stupidly simple as a dinner I made in my own home, I nod and pull out a kitchen chair.
Jenny, with her hands wobbling slightly under the weight of the plate, places a steaming pile of lasagna in front of me before turning to go back to hold the next plate up for Eric to place a piece on for her. Eric silently slides a way too big of a piece onto her plate, but I don’t say anything, allowing my daughter to bask in his presence. She comes back to the table to place her plate at her seat, her smile wide and her eyes huge at the portion Eric dished up for her, before going back to repeat the process for Eric’s plate.
As they both sit, taking a place on either side of me, I feel as if my world is surreal right now.
“I looked for some wine to go with dinner but couldn’t find any,” Eric says softly, interrupting my thoughts.
My cheeks sting a little as I reply untruthfully, “I ran out.”
The truth was, I never had alcohol in the house on a regular basis. I just couldn’t afford the luxury.
He holds my eyes a moment, before nodding and saying quickly, “No need to buy more. I’ll bring some over tomorrow.”
I break eye contact as this time my mind whirls with the knowledge that he plans to see me again...
Tomorrow.
That word reverberates in my brain, over and over, for a few seconds.
I’m not used to a man making plans to be with me.
Eric is watching me closely, as if trying to penetrate through my skull to see what my brain is thinking. Avoiding his eyes, I take my knife and cut into the lasagna, making a small bite sized piece for myself. With my stomach and emotions so wildly out of control, I have no desire to eat. Eric clearly has none of these issues, however, as he cuts off big pieces for himself, enjoying my cooking as he moans and says, “This is the best I’ve ever tasted.”
I feel a warmth spread through me.
“Thank you,” I reply softly, feeling bashful.
Eric takes another bite and after he swallows, he asks in a casual tone, “So how’s Beatrice? When is she putting this place up for sale?”
Picking up my water, I take a drink and swallow thickly as I think of Beatrice and her deteriorating condition.
Sighing heavily when I feel I can speak, “She fell this morning trying to get out of bed to go to the washroom. She’s supposed to press a help button whenever she needs to move from her bed that will send a signal to Miranda’s pager. She, of course, didn’t want to bother Miranda and attempted it on her own. She slipped and fell but thankfully didn’t hurt herself. We had to help her stand from where she had fallen on the floor and then Miranda looked her over carefully. She was lucky this time but she is going to need to move soon. The stairs are just too much for her so she has to stay in her room. It isn’t much of a life for her so she will have to list it soon.”
Eric is silent for a few moments before he replies, “I met her a few years ago when her husband was sick. I offered to buy this place back then as I wanted to extend my vineyard but if she had a broom in her hand at the time, I’m sure she would have used it on me. I again contacted her after her husband died and she told me never to come back here again. It’s hard to imagine her so weak.”
Nodding, I remain silent about his intent to purchase this land because I honestly don’t know how I’ll feel about it.
I still wanted it for myself, but the upcoming custody battle would drain me financially, taking away any possibility of my ability to purchase this land, and I knew Beatrice now needed to sell this place as quickly as possible.
And when that happened, Jenny and I had nowhere to go, something we faced before, but this time I’m also faced with having to find a place for my horses.
Otherwise, I’d have to sell them.
Start all over again.
With Beatrice now on our minds, we eat the remainder of our dinner in silence, but as soon as Jenny is done, she is back to talking about anything and everything, with the majority of her attention focused on Eric. With each passing minute she’s becoming more and more smitten with him. I take a deep mental sigh as I completely understand how she feels. Trying to keep Eric at a distance is an impossibility at times.
Eric helps me clean up and then it’s time to bring the horses in from their paddocks.
Jenny, knowing the daily routine, automatically slips into her boots, pulling on a light sweater as I say to Eric, “I have to get the horses settled for the night.”
He nods, and says without hesitation, “I’ll help.”
As we bring in each horse, I have to admit that it’s nice to have someone share the chores with other than Jenny. I decide to firmly push away my worries and to allow myself to just live in the moment.
Just for now.
Once we are done, it’s time for Jenny’s bath and story time.
Leaving me with another obstacle to navigate.
Awkwardly, I draw Eric’s attention to me when we are half way back to the house.
“I have to get Jenny ready for bed and it takes a bit of time so...” I pause, and then before I can give myself time to change my mind, I continue, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”
His confused eyes come to mine as he asks, “What?”
Knowing that he’d intended on remaining, I stop walking and turn my attention to Jenny to say, “Sweetness, you go brush your teeth and I’ll be right there.”
Jenny’s happy contented smile turns to a pout, but she knows not to argue.
Reluctantly, she looks up at Eric, as she says, “I have to go get ready for bed. Will you come back tomorrow?”
Eric nods immediately as he replies, “Sure will.”
We both watch Jenny until she’s inside the house.
But then Eric’s gaze comes to me, and it sears through me, as if interrogating me.
“Why do you want me to leave?” and this time, anger is very evident in his tone.
“Because my daughter has to go to bed and I need to help her,” I reply evasively.
Silence and then, “Again, why?”
Stumbling for the right words, I reply, “Because we aren’t a couple, Eric. All we’ve been so far is a mutually satisfying sexual relationship and I don’t want her confused.”
I see the hurt in his eyes, hear it in his voice as he says, “You were always the one who kept it to that. I thought we had changed things this afternoon. That I was allowed to stay. That we were going to give a relationship a try.”
Shaking my head, scared that he may push this, even more scared of a relationship, I reply firmly, “No, Eric. Having you here for tea and dinner is way different than you staying here for the night.” I pause and then gesture to the space between us, flushing deeply, before finishing with, “The sexual part can’t happen here.”
“So just fuck buddies once again where you come to me when you need your itch scratched,” he says nastily.
I flinch but hold my ground.
“If that’s how you want to term it, then yes. I won’t be moved on this. So, either accept it or leave again.” My heart is racing, pounding against my chest, secretly terrified that he may decide to leave, and this time forever.
But I can’t back down from this. I have a young daughter to protect, to put before my wants and needs.
A daughter that is quickly falling for Eric, hopelessly yearning for him to be something he’s not. Letting him stay for the night, something Jenny has never seen nor experienced, would only make her even more hopeful that Eric will become her daddy.
Eric grasps my chin, forcing me to hold his eyes and what he sees there must prove to him that I won’t be deterred from this decision.
Finally, he releases me, running his hands frustratingly through his hair and then over his face before accepting what I’ve said.
“Fine, but this time, since I know your big secret, I’ll be dropping by if you don’t come to me,” he states firmly.
“I’ll check with Miranda to see when she can stay with Jenny again,” I once again make my intentions clear.
He shakes his head but finally nods.
Placing my hand on Eric’s chest, I say softly, “I’m sorry but I have to keep my mom hat on right now.”
I watch as the confusion is replaced with impatience and frustration at my words.
Finally, he relents as his arms come around me to ask, “But I can come back tomorrow during the day?”
Lifting my hand to his face, I lightly graze my nails over his jawline, as I reply, “Yes, but I need to go right now or Jenny will be back out here any minute.”
His chest rises and falls, expelling his breath, clearly annoyed.
“You’ll text me in the morning?” he asks.
Nodding, smiling, I lean up to place a kiss on his mouth.
He groans against my lips.
Slowly, he releases me, allowing me to deliberately slide down his body until I’m standing, my nipples puckered, wishing that I could take him into my home, into my bed, and keep him there. His hands then come up to cup my face as his kiss changes to small kisses to my cheek and then over to my ear.
“I’ve never wanted a woman like I want you. Don’t keep me waiting too long,” he murmurs before he steps away and heads towards his car.
Leaving me quivering with desire...
But also, with the feeling that I’m the most desirable woman in the world.