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ALEXA
Waving goodbye to Eric and Jenny from where I’m standing next to the riding arena, I watch the car until it’s out of sight.
I’m still reeling from what Eric had told me last night.
How a mother could allow her son to be drugged and essentially raped...
It escaped my realm of thinking.
And his father? Just completely ignoring his son his whole life?
How could someone do that?
Tears spring to my eyes again as I recall Eric’s word in the bath last night.
While I always knew deep down that Eric had been a womanizer, I never really understood why.
But what he told me last night explained everything.
Wiping the tear away that has escaped to slide down my cheek, I shake my head and sigh. Even though my heart is still breaking for him, that he was used like that, I console myself by telling myself that Eric was lucky that he discovered what his parents were doing and escaped. While he still had the scars from his childhood, at least he was past all of that now.
And now he was here with me.
Needing to get to work, I turn to head to the paddock to retrieve Monument. He has come a long way since he was first brought to me and his Olympian owner, Craig, was ecstatic with his progress. After a few minutes into the training, I can tell Monument becomes distracted. Looking around, I notice a guy in a suit wandering around, looking for someone.
I know exactly who he’s looking for. I’ve been waiting for this day to come.
He finally notices me and begins walking over.
Having no other choice, knowing I had to face this head on and that I can’t run again, I walk to meet him.
“Alexa Kohl?” he asks.
Nodding, I reach out my hand to accept the envelope he withdraws from the inside pocket of his jacket.
“My name is Philip Bishop and I’ll be representing Jack Thomas during this custody battle.”
Still unable to do anything but nod, I stand still, staring down at the letter.
Clearing his throat, he says derisively, “I decided to deliver this letter myself, so I could see exactly where Jenny lives.”
My head shoots up and I watch as he glances around the property disdainfully.
Finding my backbone, I reply in an unwelcome tone, “Isn’t that the job of Child Services to assess?”
His eyes grow cooler and he remains silent a few seconds, as he now turns to focusing on assessing me.
Dissecting me and making my skin crawl.
“I now know why I haven’t heard from your lawyer,” he lets the barb hang in the air for a minute before he continues with, “I suggest you find one immediately, Ms. Kohl.”
As he turns from me, abruptly dismissing me, it takes everything in me not to crumple to the ground.
But I force myself to remain standing tall until he is in his car and has disappeared out of sight down the drive.
Then, one by one, I can feel each of the muscles in my body give into the sheer terror now taking over my body.
Leaving Monument in the training arena, I walk, as if in a trance, to the little house I’ve called home – my sanctuary that I’m so close to losing as well - for the past several years. Trembling, my body still threatening to collapse, I open the kitchen door. When I reach the table, it’s only then that I give into my body’s need to crumple as I fall into a chair.
Tears are now blurring my eyes as my shaking hands tear at the envelope that I know is the next step in the process of Jack trying to take Jenny from me.
To make me pay for leaving him.
I’m never letting you go, - Jack’s hate filled stated words that night he found me flows through me.
Pushing those words out of my mind, forcefully not allowing them to feel as if they are swallowing me whole as they once had, I make myself focus on the letter in my hand. Scanning it quickly, I see the first court date is set for a month’s time.
I feel my stomach pitch and roll.
Finding a lawyer, a good lawyer, in that short period of time was going to be difficult with the amount of money I have saved up.
My time was up, and I could no longer keep searching and praying for the right lawyer to come along.
I would have to go with one of the scummy lawyers that I’d met with.
Feeling overwhelmed, I stare at the letter in my trembling hands.
What was I going to do? – I silently scream.
My kitchen screen door squeaks open and I see Miranda’s sympathetic face.
“He’s now pushing to go through with it?” she asks, and I can see her worry and fear for Jenny and I in her face.
Nodding, I put my hand over my mouth when a sob escapes me.
“Oh Alexa...” she says as she crosses to me quickly, pulling a chair out next to me to sit and take my hand.
“He doesn’t really want her, Miranda. He’s only doing this to get back at me,” I whisper.
Her hand comes out to push a single tendril behind my ear that has escaped my ponytail.
“If there is anything I can do to help, Alexa...” she begins her offer as she has many times before.
Shaking my head, knowing I can’t take what little savings Miranda has, I reply as I shake my head, “I really appreciate it, Miranda. But you need that money and I know I can’t repay you, not for a very long time.”
She opens her mouth to argue, as she has so many times before, but I whisper, “Please, Miranda. I know you would do anything for me and I appreciate it, but I could never take something I know I would never be able to repay. You’ll need that money when your time comes for retirement. I couldn’t sacrifice your life for mine.” Inhaling deeply, I continue on a shaky exhale, “I’ll just have to start with the money I have saved up to buy this place and hope that Jack doesn’t drag this on.”
Miranda squeezes my hand in return, as she says softly, “If you change your mind, know that it’s yours.”
Grateful, I hug her tightly. Her equally tight hug lets me know without a doubt that she is trying to give me some of her strength to help me get through this.
“You still haven’t told Eric about this?” she asks softly once we release each other.
Shaking my head, I reply, “He doesn’t need to know.”
Her eyes observe my face closely for a few seconds and then she says, “I think he does.”
Smiling sadly at Miranda, I reply, “It’s not his problem. It’s mine. He didn’t sign up to take this on.”
Her face changes, reflecting sympathy, before she replies.
Squeezing my hand, she says softly, “Honey, he’s in love with you. That makes it his business.”
Her words startle me.
Shaking my head, I reply, “No Miranda. Our relationship...” I pause before continuing, “is difficult to explain but love is definitely not part of it.”
Her eyes assess me once again and then she asks, “I guess that’s why he is practically living here?”
Flushing, I reply uneasily, “It’s just easier...”
Slowly, she shakes her head as she replies softly, “Honey, if it’s just sex he wanted, that you wanted, that act could be easily accomplished without him having to live here like he is.” Squeezing my hand again, she says, “I think you should tell him. He’s part of your life now, and you and Jenny have become a very important part of his.”
Shaking my head, needing space to process the news in that letter, not able to even comprehend Miranda’s words about mine and Eric’s relationship right now, I whisper, “Miranda, I know you mean well, but please don’t mention this to Eric.”
She holds my eyes, and I return her gaze levelly, silently telling her I mean what I say.
Finally, she nods, and I exhale deeply.
“I hate to tell you this, but the for-sale sign went up today at the end of the drive,” she says softly.
My heart dips despite that I knew that this had been coming for some time.
Nodding, accepting what she has said about the farm, I whisper, “I need to focus on looking for a lawyer.”
But two weeks later, I still haven’t found a decent lawyer and I’m now panicking as I distractedly watch Monument do her laps around the training arena.
My luck continues as every lawyer that I contacted that were too busy to take me on were decent lawyers. Any that were available, I quickly discarded after meeting them because my female intuition radar that they were scumbags practically screamed at me to run by the end of each of the meetings.
I know Eric has picked up on my worry, but I don’t want to get him involved. This was my battle, not his. He never planned on Jenny when we first met, and while I knew he had come to care for Jenny, I was unable to forget that he was forced to tolerate her. While I’d stated that we were a package deal, I’d only ever wanted him to accept Jenny and be comfortable with her presence. I knew it was unfair to bring him into the true mess that was called my life.
I hear a car approaching and I turn to watch as Craig’s car pulls to a stop.
Exiting the car, he spots me in the arena and waves.
Waving in return, I force my attention on Craig and away from the mess of my life.
“Hey Alexa,” he says as he steps inside of the arena.
It’s not everyone who I would allow inside the arena during my training, but Craig exudes confidence around his horse, unlike other owners who I often had to train how to be around their own animals.
“Hi Craig,” I reply and turn my attention back to Monument, watching his perfect strides.
“He’s looking great, Alexa,” Craig murmurs in appreciation.
Despite the crap that is my life, I can’t help but feel my chest expand with pride.
“Yeah, he is. He’s truly Olympic material. He should be ready for you to pick up on Monday,” I say, wanting to keep Monument for this last weekend.
Silence descends between us as we both watch Monument appreciatively for a few more minutes.
“I was wondering if you would be interested in dinner tonight,” I hear Craig ask.
Shocked, my eyes fly up to Craig’s face.
“Craig...I...I...” I flounder, trying to come up with a response.
He smiles widely as he replies, “I see that I’ve taken you by surprise.”
Still floundering, not wanting anything I say to come between our professional relationship, plus also knowing in the back of my mind that I desperately need Craig’s money and reference, I reply, “It’s just that...” I swallow thickly before I try again, “It’s just that I don’t date clients.”
His hand reaches out to take mine.
“Perhaps this time you should make an exception,” he murmurs, his hand squeezing mine in a soothing manner.
But his hand in mine feels totally wrong and I think of Eric.
I know instinctively, and without a doubt that if he was here right now, he would not appreciate Craig’s interest.
Inhaling deeply, I open up my mouth to reply, but instead I’m interrupted by an angry male voice stating, “She’s busy.”
Startled, I watch as Eric strides angrily to the training arena from the direction of his vineyard with a picnic basket grasped tightly in his hand, his eyes holding mine. The anger in them reminds me of the first night I had met him, except this time it is more intense – with a wounded, haunted look, and this time it’s directed outwardly at me.
Quickly withdrawing my hand from Craig’s, I can’t help but feel a sense of impending doom as Eric firmly plants himself next to me, taking the hand that Craig had just been holding.
“Ummm...Craig...” I begin, “This is Eric. He’s ummm...he’s my...” I stumble over the word to finish the sentence.
“Boyfriend,” Eric spits out between gritted teeth.
Craig’s eyes cynically go to our hands and I wonder if he can detect the anger radiating from Eric’s hand into mine.
“Sorry, I had no idea she was involved. She’s never mentioned you,” Craig says, but there’s no real apology in his tone.
Eric’s hand squeezes mine tighter as his anger only spikes higher.
“Well she is. Has been now for quite a while,” Eric replies through clenched teeth.
Craig, unperturbed by Eric’s anger, replies again, “Like I said man, she’s never given any indication that she was involved.”
Craig’s sentence, stated in that way, makes an insinuation that Eric isn’t important to me and Eric’s gaze swings to me.
This time, I feel my anger rise at the accusation in his eyes.
I know I have to carefully control my anger along with defusing this quickly intensifying situation. While Craig had been rude in his purposeful statement just to rile Eric up, and it angered me slightly as well, I knew I had no interest in Craig romantically. I also knew I desperately needed his money to fight my custody battle with Jack. His very generous contract would be the difference between a horrible lawyer versus a middle-of-the-road lawyer.
Clearing my throat, feeling as if I’m trying to settle two stallions who are about to fight over their property, I hold Eric’s eyes as I say firmly, “Eric, go into the house and I’ll be right with you.”
“There’s no way that I’m leaving you here,” he pauses and then adds with a gesture towards Craig, “With him.”
I feel my cheeks burn, whether from embarrassment for my client or anger, I’m not sure but I do know that right now, I feel as if I’m about to mentally snap.
All of this...
My life...
It suddenly seems overwhelming.
“Eric,” I begin, my tone soft despite the blood pumping through my veins, “Craig is my client, and as such, I will deal with him. Not you.”
Eric’s gaze penetrates me as I realize he is now silently pleading with me...
Showing me just how scared he is of losing me.
I feel my heart soften, just a little. Enough for me to ask in an even tone, “Can you trust me Eric?”
I know what I’m asking takes a lot out of him.
But he also knows that this is something I won’t be moved on.
My business - my clients - I was the one who dealt with them.
Finally, Eric’s gaze turns to Craig, sweeping over him scathingly before he turns on his heel and heads towards the house.
Refocusing my attention on a now silent Craig, I begin by simply saying, “I’m sorry. He should never have spoken to a client of mine like that.”
Craig gives me a small smile as he says softly, “No problem. I can’t say I blame him. I crossed the line from business to personal first. If I had someone like you, I’d probably react the same way.”
I feel myself blanche from his last statement. Why anyone would want to take me, a broken, twisted up mess on, confuses me.
I don’t have time to think on it further as Craig changes the topic.
“I hear Beatrice is not doing so well and I saw the for-sale sign at the end of the drive. What are your plans for your business?” he asks as his gaze goes to Monument.
Swallowing thickly, I admit, “I’m not sure.”
He nods and then leaning against the paddock fence, he says, “I’d hate to see a woman of your talent having to give this up. It’s a good thing you have going here.” He pauses, glancing around as he continues, “If your boyfriend can see what I’m about to say next as a business venture, I’d like to offer you a piece of land on my ranch.”
Shocked at his generosity, I can only stare.
“I have an old, unused barn that could be fixed up. It’s the perfect size for what you have going on here. I’m willing to lease it to you for a year in exchange for your time for working on another horse I just bought. It would give you time to get established and perhaps grow your operation while I have only the best training my horse,” he finishes off his very generous offer.
Still in shock, it takes me a moment to reply.
“Thank you, Craig. I will certainly keep it in mind. I have a lot going on right now so if I could think about it?”
Shaking his head, Craig grins as he replies, “Take as much time as you need. I think your boyfriend is going to need it.”
Craig’s words hang over me, like a cloud.
“My boyfriend doesn’t have a say in my business. I’ll do what’s right for my business without his unneeded input,” I reply in a dry tone.
Craig’s eyes snap back to me quickly as he asks, “You’re not happy with him?”
Craig is once again crossing the personal line, but I find myself replying, “Things with Eric and I...it isn’t that I’m unhappy. It’s just that I know my life isn’t fair for anyone to have to take on.” Then clearing my throat, snapping myself back into business mode, I continue, “Monument will be ready on Monday morning. I can transport him myself and then help you get him settled in. Perhaps then I could take a look around at this old barn that you have. How does that sound?”
Craig nods and then pushes away from the fence. Holding his hand out to me, he shakes it but then the shake turns to a gentle, reassuring grasp as he murmurs, “You undersell yourself, Alexa. I’d take you and all of your excess baggage if I thought I had a chance. But I can now clearly see you only have eyes for him.” Another squeeze and then he releases my hand as he walks away, saying over his shoulder, “I’ll see you Monday.”
My eyes follow Craig, watching him get into his car and drive out of sight, as my mind whirls.
Sighing heavily, I turn my attention to my house. Eric holds my gaze through the kitchen window from where he has been watching.
As soon as I open the door, he explodes, ‘What the fuck, Alexa?”
Again, I sigh heavily.
Calmly, I walk to the sink and reach for the coffee pot to start the process of making a coffee.
I feel Eric behind me, his breath practically in my ear as he seethes out, “Do you want him?”
Hanging my head, I try to still the anger that has started building in me.
But his breath in my ear, his question repeating over and over in my head, causes me to explode.
“You’re a stupid man, Eric,” I say, my tone deceitfully calm.
When his hand comes to my arm, grasping it tightly, spinning me around easily, I feel a slight fear slip through me until I remind myself that Eric is no Jack.
Instead, I allow my anger to fully erupt on him as I spit out, “I’m not like all the other women you’ve fucked, Eric. I have decency and class despite the fact that my life is one fucked up mess. I don’t sleep around and he...” I allow that last word to hang between us for a moment as Eric’s look of surprise crosses his face, “Is a client of mine who I expect you to treat fairly.”
Eric’s look changes from surprise to anger as he spits out, “What? I’m just supposed to watch as he touches you?”
Holding his eyes, I reply, “Yes. I’ve been handling myself a long time. I don’t need you.”
I watch as all color drains from his face at my last statement.
“You don’t want me?” he asks, and I can hear the fear in his tone.
Shaking my head, I allow some of my anger to drain as I reach out my hand to take his. Finally, I reply, “No Eric, I don’t need you. I’ve been through too much to ever need someone anymore.” I feel him freeze so I continue quickly. “But I do want you.” I wait a moment for that to sink in before I continue. “It’s two different things. I can exist without you, but I would only be doing just that. Existing. I don’t want to just exist anymore. I want you in my life so that I’m no longer just existing. You are what makes me feel alive.”
I see the relief rapidly enter his eyes and then he is pulling me into him, hugging me tightly, completely enveloping me.
“Jesus, I was so scared,” I hear him whisper into my ear. I feel a tremble tear through his body.
Squeezing him tightly back in return, I say softly, admonishingly, “But my business is my business, Eric. I don’t interfere with yours and you don’t interfere with mine. Craig is a good client and I desperately need his money.”
Eric only nods, keeping me close.
I decide now is not the best time for me to tell him about Craig’s business offer.
Instead, I cling to Eric, remaining this way for a few moments until he asks in a murmur into my hair, “You said something about your life being a mess. What did you mean by that?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I instantly regret uttering those words.
“Nothing, Eric. It’s nothing. Just something stupid I said in a moment of anger,” is all I reply.
I hear him sigh deeply.
But surprisingly, he lets it go.