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ALEXA
“Oh my god, Alexa!” Cass squeals excitedly before pulling me into her for a hug.
I try to absorb some of her excitement, just like I’ve tried to absorb some of Eric and Jenny’s excitement over the upcoming wedding.
My eyes connect with Miranda’s all-knowing gaze across the kitchen.
While Miranda has been excited for us since our announcement a few days ago about our marriage, I know she senses my reluctance.
Releasing me, Cass holds me at arm’s length, as she asks, “When’s the date?”
Plastering a smile on my face, I reply, “In less than three weeks.”
Cass, ever observant, slowly loses her smile, as she asks, “What is it, Alexa?”
Shrugging from her grasp, I use the click of the kettle shutting off as an excuse to break eye contact as I walk over to the kitchen counter to make tea.
“She thinks Eric’s only marrying her because he feels an obligation to save Jenny from Jack,” Miranda fills in the empty silence.
My hand shakes as I pour the tea into three cups.
It’s true what Miranda has said.
In fact, I’m terrified that’s exactly why this marriage was happening, and I knew deep in my heart that would mean it was for all the wrong reasons.
I barely managed to escape making a big mistake by marrying Jack,
And I didn’t want it to be a mistake by marrying Eric.
My body involuntarily shudders as I think of how hard it would have been to get rid of Jack if I’d not gone to see him that night, hadn’t found out who he was exactly and became his wife. After that, I’d sworn never to attempt marriage again, but yet, here I was with my impending wedding date fast approaching.
My stomach heaves and I feel slightly nauseated.
Since Axton had been here, since that evening when Eric and I had committed ourselves to marrying for the sake of Jenny, my stomach had been slightly nauseated.
The stress of it all was taking its toll on my health.
Grasping the countertop for a moment to steady myself as a dizzy spell washes over me prompts Miranda to instantly appear by my side.
“Alexa...” she says worriedly.
“I’m fine,” I whisper even though I don’t feel fine.
Cass immediately appears on the other side of me, asking with a worried tone, “What’s wrong?”
The dizzy feeling passes, enough that I can lift my face to Cass’s, trying to reassure her.
“You’re completely white,” Cass gasps, taking my arm firmly in hers.
“I’m fine,” I try to insist.
Holding my eyes, Cass says sternly, “Miranda is going to finish the tea and I’m going to help you sit at the table.”
Sighing deeply, I know I have no other choice.
Cass makes me feel like a complete invalid as she guides me to the table, pulling out a chair for me, before taking a seat next to me.
It’s like she’s afraid I’m going to pass out and fall off the chair as she moves her chair closer, her gaze penetrating me.
I try to avoid her eyes as I purposely turn my attention to watching Miranda place our tea and snacks at each of our place settings.
But then Miranda sits, and it only gets worse as both of them now have their gazes on me.
“I’m okay,” I begin my protest. “Really.”
Cass’s gaze turns sympathetic and it’s the last thing I want.
I want no one’s sympathy.
I open my mouth, about to tell her that but she cuts me off as she says softly, “Eric wants you, Alexa. He’s not a man that would do something like this if he didn’t have very strong feelings for you.”
Miranda chimes in, as she says, “And he loves that little girl of yours, of that I have no doubt. All you have to do is watch him with her.”
I know what they are saying is true.
When I’d first met Eric, I knew instantly that he was a cold and uncaring man. My mind recalls seeing him that first time in the washroom, so beautifully angry at the world, his arrogance as he stared across the dance floor, taunting me with that knowing mocking smile of his as he watched me tolerate my dance partner. His penetrating gaze silently and cockily promising me a night I’d not soon forget if I gave into my desires and sampled him.
Yes, I could have even definitely labelled him as a selfish, arrogant asshole back then.
But somehow, he had come to care about me.
And he definitely cared about Jenny.
He was a different man from that night. He was no longer cold and uncaring.
His reward for changing himself, for becoming a better man was saddling himself with me and my problems. It wasn’t fair to him and because of that, I also knew I didn’t want him to make a mistake and regret the hasty decision to marry me for Jenny’s sake.
While I’d promised myself to never marry, I do acknowledge that I want to marry Eric.
If I was truthful, there’s nothing I want more.
But I want him to marry me because he wants me and not because of this threat to Jenny.
Sighing deeply, I remain quiet, not wanting to discuss this with Miranda or Cass.
I rethink of Craig’s offer but then dismiss it again. If only I had time to move my small business to his ranch, had time to get it up and running.
My stomach twists again.
Lifting my cup, I take a sip of my tea and silently hope it helps to settle my stomach a little.
But as soon as I place the sweet treat Miranda had brought from the main house into my mouth, my stomach recoils and I hastily push my chair from the table to run outside where I retch the contents of my stomach onto the earth.
Cass is instantly beside me, holding my hair back. A few moments later, Miranda is next to me with a glass of water and a cold cloth which she places over my forehead.
Once my stomach has settled, I straighten and encounter Cass’s worried eyes.
“Alexa...” she says sternly. “You have to go see a doctor.”
Shaking my head, I take a tiny sip of water, assessing as to whether my stomach will reject that too.
“You either make an appointment or I’ll go find Eric,” she threatens.
She knows, as well as I do, that Eric would hound me until I gave in. That would make three people on my case.
“Fine,” is my short and abrupt reply.
As soon as Cass and Miranda have me back in the house, Cass hands me my phone and watches over me as I call my doctor and make an appointment for the next day.
But I’m completely unprepared when the doctor gives me my results after a careful examination, including her persistence in a pregnancy test.
I was pregnant.
As she sat next to me after delivering that bombshell, her gaze assessing me closely as she delivered the results, her hand comes out to squeeze mine reassuringly as she asks, “Is the dad in the picture?”
Eric...
How would he take this? He never wanted kids, and yet, here he is saddled with Jenny and my problems...
And now I have an unwanted baby to add to the list.
A tear stings my eye.
I’ve brought so many unwanted things into his life, things he never wanted. He deserves so much better than me.
Sighing heavily as Dr. Lacelle continues to assess me closely waiting for my answer, never feeling so twisted up inside, I now mentally add stupidity to my list that I never paid attention to the fact that I missed my period.
But I’ve been so stressed out.
I really can’t take much more.
Buck up, honey, - I silently tell myself. Your life was never meant to be easy.
So, forcing myself to show a strength I don’t really feel, I reply truthfully, “He’s in the picture but he never wanted kids. The doctors told me when I had Jenny that I’d never have another baby, so we never used protection. I don’t know where this leaves us right now.”
Dr. Lacelle nods her head in understanding as she says softly, “You know you have options.”
My free hand instantly comes to cover my stomach, already protecting the tiny life growing inside of me.
Just like when I found out about Jenny, my motherly protective instincts take over.
There was no way that I would ever let anything happen to this baby. It was as much a part of me as my heart.
My stomach flips as I think of Eric again.
This may change things between us.
Silently, my heart begins to weep.
“I know my options,” is my only reply to Dr. Lacelle.
After she has given me instructions to start taking prenatal vitamins, I leave her office, barely feeling alive.
Cass’s worried eyes come to mine as she stands immediately and comes to my side.
“What is it?” she asks in a hushed tone.
Looking at her, I feel my emotions take over.
She instantly takes my arm, leading me from the office to a bench located just outside.
Sitting next to me, she asks softly, “Tell me, Alexa. I’m going out of my mind here.”
Looking at her worried face, I blurt out, “I’m pregnant.”
A look of shock, quickly replaced with joy, crosses her face. Then she squeals and pulls me into her in excitement.
Releasing me after a quick squeeze, she asks excitedly, “But how?”
Then flushing, she says, “I mean I know how. What I meant is I thought you couldn’t get pregnant due to scarring during Jenny’s birth?”
Swallowing thickly, I reply, “Dr. Lacelle seems to think that the scarring must have healed a bit and since I couldn’t afford any of the recommended follow up tests, we couldn’t have known.” My lip begins to tremble as I say in a whisper, “I really didn’t mean for this to happen, Cass. I never thought I would have any more kids but Eric...” My voice finishes in a squeak, “He never wanted kids.”
Cass takes my hand, gently squeezing it in reassurance as she says softly, “I’m sure since he said that, a lot has changed for him.”
Swallowing, I nod and allow my gaze to drop to my hands clutching tightly to Cass’s for support.
Whether Eric wanted this baby or not, I was definitely keeping it, and the only thing for me to do next is to tell Eric so that he has time to walk away before our wedding in two weeks.
Cass gives me a hug of encouragement as she drops me off at the house later that afternoon. I wander around, lost in a world that seems somehow unreal, as I continued with my chores.
But when Eric arrives close to dinner time, I’m a shaking mass of emotions.
I watch, my heart twisting, remaining quiet throughout dinner as he helps Jenny settle into her chair, cutting her steak into tiny bite sized pieces when she struggles with how to use a knife.
The radiant smile Jenny bestows on Eric shines of pure happiness and love.
I know that Eric’s reaction will also upset her world if he decides to walk away.
And that hurts so much because I stupidly brought this pregnancy into her life as well.
By the time Eric has tucked Jenny into bed, I’m physically trembling.
“Hey...” he whispers into my ear, as he sneaks up behind me, his arms going around me, completely enveloping me, from where I’ve been standing at the kitchen sink, looking out at the blackness of the night.
I wish the blackness would just swallow me whole, so I could just disappear. I hated this feeling of being a noose around someone’s neck.
“What’s going on? Has something happened with the case?” he asks in a murmur.
Shaking my head, I let out a shaky sigh.
I had to just rip this band aid off quickly.
Placing my hands over his where he has laid them on my belly, I begin, “Nothing further has happened yet with the case.” Sighing heavily, I continue, “But I did get some very unexpected news today.” Then needing to see his face, to see the truth there when I tell him, I turn in his arms and wrap my arms around his neck. Gently pulling his head down until our eyes are only a few inches away from each other, I whisper softly, “I’m pregnant.”
I watch...
Waiting...
My heart silently begging him, feeling as if it’s going to stop any moment.
“What?” he asks breathless, his eyes showing confusion at first...
But then comprehension.
I don’t reply to his question because I know he’s heard me.
Then I see disbelief as he asks, “You’re pregnant?”
“Yes...” I simply breathe out.
Instantly, his eyes change, and his hands come up to cup my face, as he now reads my eyes.
Then his eyes fill with tears as his head comes down to swoop his lips over mine reverently. My heart beats thickly in relief as his lips leave mine to place soft kisses all over my face as he says in between his kisses, “Alexa...”
“So, you are happy?” I ask, needing him to say the words even though I just witnessed the joy in his eyes.
He pauses, his hands still cupping my face as he says, “Happy? I’m ecstatic. Was there any doubt?”
Nodding, I reply in a soft, relieved tone, “You once said you never wanted kids.”
He smiles, a genuine happy smile, as he responds, “Alexa, my darling. There were a lot of things that I thought I didn’t want until I met you.”
Smiling in relief, I pull his head down to me for a kiss.
That night, when he makes love to me, he places tiny reverent kisses all over my belly where our child is growing.
The next two weeks pass quickly during which Craig drops by, to follow up on his offer, but I once again tell him that I’m unsure of what to do.
With so much happening, I no longer know which direction I’m headed in. It was like I was on a merry go round that never stopped spinning.
Craig’s offer would have been something I jumped at before, and while I’d be stupid to walk away, I now have a new baby to think of...
And Eric.
He was soon to become my husband.
Torn and undecided, I had told Craig about my impending marriage and that I’ll still need time to think on it. Since the for-sale sign had gone up for Beatrice’s farm, Miranda had told me there had been a lot of interest but no serious inquiries. Eric and I had discussed where we would live after the wedding and we had both agreed that we would remain where we were until I found a place to move my horses. I still never mentioned Craig’s offer because I knew Eric would go insane.
But still, I never stopped worrying, because other than Craig’s offer, there was no where for me to go with my business. Feeling stressed, I continue folding laundry, needing the mundane task to settle my jittery nerves.
I still can’t shake the feeling that marrying Eric isn’t the right thing for me to do. It still seems so unfair to him. As I’d watched him getting dressed this morning to fly to LA to tend to some business, my heart had silently wept for him. His life hadn’t been the greatest either and here I was saddling him with my problems.
No, I wasn’t only saddling him with my problems, I was going to make it hard for him to walk away when he finally tired of this game by entangling him in marriage.
Glancing out the kitchen window, I sigh deeply as my hand comes to rest on my stomach. I think back to the day I told Eric about the baby. There had been no doubt that he wanted this baby. The truth had been in his eyes from the moment I told him and has been every day since. The way he would come up behind me, sliding his hands protectively over my stomach. Even the way he touches me when he makes love to me has changed. It has become softer, gentler now, as if he is afraid of hurting me. And every night, just before he falls asleep, he places a kiss on my belly, whispering to our child.
But marriage...
As I’ve proven, marriage was not needed to raise a child and I still had my doubts about letting Eric marry me in order to save me.
While I’d never dreamed of marriage after Jack, I knew who I was - and I didn’t want a pity marriage.
I had never wanted a marriage like that.
Sighing deeply, I think of Jenny.
And feel so torn...
I hear a noise behind me and turning, I expect to see Miranda but all blood drains from my face as I come face to face with Jack.
The anger in his eyes is very real.
And frightening.
“Did you really think I’d let you marry him?” his vile and alcohol breath whispers over my skin, and my stomach twists, threatening to unload its contents. “I told you once before that I’d never let you go.”
His hand snakes out, his fingers wrapping tightly around my arm as he jerks me into him.
My body instantly recoils, and I cower with fear now flowing freely through me.
Making me incapable to speak.
To move.
His lips mash against mine, his free arm cinching tight around my waist causing me to gasp. Jack takes advantage, thrusting his tongue into my mouth.
Without thinking, I bite it.
Hard.
He instantly retreats, the arm around me releasing me as he cups his mouth.
But the fury in his eyes has intensified as he releases my other arm, and without giving me a chance to move away, he raises his arm and backhands me across the face.
The force rocks through me, and I lose my balance, falling to the floor.
The room blackens for a moment, swirling and then I feel the pain in my jaw, taste the blood in my mouth.
He stands, looming over me for a few seconds as I try to recover.
Kneeling before me, he grasps my hair by the back of my head, twisting my head hurtfully as his spittle lands on my face, as he says with vehemence, “You’ll pay for that.” Abruptly, he stands, taking me with him as he still has a painful hold on my hair.
Keeping me in front of him, he pushes me out the kitchen door and down over the steps. When he starts pushing me in the direction of his car, it’s then that I’m able to recall my self defence moves. I take a second to focus, preparing myself to feel extreme pain before reaching out behind me with my arm to push against his chest with all of my carefully controlled anger at the same time I twist my body and deliver a swift kick to his mid-section. My move knocks the breath from him completely and his hold on my hair releases instantly and he bends forward, grasping his stomach. Without giving him time to recover, I move towards him, and clasping my hands together as I’d been taught, I use my elbows to bring a brutal force down on his skull. His eyes come up to mine, filled with pain and rage and he reaches for me but then suddenly there is a shadow behind him and I watch as two large hands wrap around his neck from behind.
Jack’s eyes bulge, his hands coming up to grasp at the strong, male hands wrapped in a tight grasp around his throat, as he tries but fails to remove the strangle hold around his throat.
My mind whirls and finally grasps that it’s Eric.
And that he’s about to kill Jack.
“Eric...” I gasp.
But Eric’s gaze is not on me, but on the man he’s about to strangle.
“Eric!” I say louder to no avail.
Terrified, knowing I have to get him to stop somehow, I slowly take one step forward, then another until I’m standing by Eric’s side.
Placing my hand on his bulging bicep, I say softly, “If you do this Eric, you’ll be taking away our future.”
My words must penetrate as his focus comes off Jack and onto me.
“Let the police deal with him. He won’t be able to take Jenny after this,” I continue in a soft tone.
A few precious seconds later, I see Eric slowly relax his fingers and I hear Jack finally gasp for air.
Suddenly, Miranda is on the other side of Eric, with enough rope to tie up Jack’s hands.
Eric’s eyes scan my face, and I know he’s assessing me for damages.
“I’m okay,” I whisper.
Eric nods and then turning his attention back to Jack, I can sense the barely restrained control as he releases Jack’s neck to quickly take his hands and yank them roughly behind his back, holding them there as Miranda surprises me with her rope work.
Once done, Eric steps away from Jack and planting his foot solidly on Jack’s back, he gives him a push, sending him to the ground where he’s unable to get back up.
Turning to me, Eric pulls me into him, his hands going into my hair, rubbing at the spot where Jack had taken hold. I know he’s trying to erase some of the pain with his hands. His eyes sweep over my face, landing and remaining on my cut lip.
“I can’t look at him again or I will kill him,” he grinds out between his teeth.
Nodding, understanding, I stand up on tip-toe, pulling his head down to me, needing to feel his breath and lips on mine as I whisper, “I’m okay. We’re okay.”
I feel his body shudder as he pulls me in tighter.
Jack, at that moment, chooses to say, “Always remember that I had her first,” and I know it takes everything in Eric to remain where he is.
“He’s not worth it,” I whisper against his lips.
Eric squeezes his eyes shut.
We hear fabric tear, causing both of us to turn to watch as Miranda, who had been sporting a pocket knife all along, cuts enough of Jack’s shirt off to fill his mouth.
Grateful, I mouth the words, “Thank you,” to her.
Turning my attention back to Eric, I say, “We should call the police.”
Nodding, not bothering to chance taking another glance at Jack and risk losing his temper, Eric slips his phone from his pocket and places a call to 911. Once done, he places a call to Axton to let him know about what just happened.
When he hangs up he looks at me, winces slightly as he reaches his hand out to rub his thumb gently over my cracked lip. Leaning down, he places light kisses over the tender area.
“When I pulled up, I didn’t recognize the car and thought it was one of your clients. When I saw him...” he shudders, gasping against my lips, “Pulling you by the hair like that, I knew I was going to kill him.”
Sliding my arms around Eric, I pull him tight to me and whisper, “Shhh. I know. It’s all over now.” Then releasing him, I take his hand and lead him to the front step of my home.
Tears brim my eyes as I sit next to him, soaking up the comfort of Eric, his strength, as my eyes slide over Jack, still sprawled out on the ground from when Eric had kicked him. After his attempt here today, I silently pray that any further interference from Jack into my life is now over because I’m tired of running and always looking over my shoulder.
My gaze moves from Jack and out over the farm that I’ve worked so hard on for the past few years. It’s hard to believe that I’ll be leaving here soon and my heart aches thinking about it.
A few minutes later, I hear the police sirens and squeezing Eric’s hand, I push to stand, Eric joining me as we wait for them to pull up. I watch, almost detachedly, as they pull him up off the ground and force him to walk to the police car.
Jack’s eyes come to me, where I’m standing next to Eric with his arms holding me, and I can see the anger and hatred writhing through him. My only response is to look away from him, dismissing him, this time, completely from my life. A police officer then comes to speak with us, asking us to go to the station to give our statements.
After we have each given our statements, we swing by Jenny’s school and pick her up early before we head back home. Axton calls with news that Jack has withdrawn his decision to gain custody over Jenny and my relief is so great that I have to sit and cry tears of relief.
Axton had made contact with Jack’s lawyer, who had dropped him immediately upon hearing of his arrest. He had given Axton Jack’s parents contact information as he wanted nothing further to do with his former client. After Axton had made contact with Jack’s family, he had found out that they had disowned Jack after having to pay off several women who had threatened sexual assault. I now fully understand why Jack was the owner of the seedy LA club where I had first met Eric. Jack’s parents had given him enough money to buy the floundering business, hoping the opportunity would change Jack and force him to stand on his own two feet.
As the relief of being finally free of Jack continues to wash over me, my mind whirls as I think of my future.
Of Eric’s future.
There was no longer any reason for Eric to marry me to keep Jack away.
My heart feels as if it stutters to a painful stop as I think of not having Eric as my husband.
And as my heart picks up its painful heartbeat again, hurting more than it ever has before at the thought of letting Eric go, I know it’s the right decision.
That night as I tuck Jenny into bed with her being ever observant as she usually is, she asks, “Mommy, what is wrong?”
Forcing a smile for her sake that I don’t feel, I reply, “It’s just some grown up things Mommy has to think about.” Then brushing her hair off her forehead, I place a kiss there. Inhaling her sweet scent, I prepare myself to face my future.
As I slowly take the steps down to my small kitchen, my heart beats are now feeling as if there are tiny spears of electricity digging into my chest, I continue to prepare myself for letting go of Eric.
He’s working away at his laptop as I enter the kitchen, his blond head bent in concentration, the muscles in his arms flexing powerfully as he taps on each key.
He’s so beautifully gorgeous inside and out. He doesn’t deserve to be stuck with me, - my heart silently cries.
Then sighing heavily, I begin.
“Eric...” I say, drawing his attention.
When his eyes come up to mine, I watch as they change, losing some of their happiness as he senses what I’m about to say.
“No, Alexa,” he says, standing abruptly. Crossing to me, he takes my hands in each of his as he says determinedly, “You are not backing out of this and what we have because Jack is no longer a threat.”
My heart twists.
“But there’s no need now,” I force out.
He squeezes my hands tightly as he says, “Have you forgotten that your pregnant with my child?”
Shaking my head, I reply with a braveness I don’t truly feel, “I’ve done it on my own before. I can do it again.”
He firmly shakes his head but I ignore it as I finally decide to tell him about Craig’s offer.
Squeezing his hands tightly, I whisper, “I’ve been given an offer to relocate my business to Craig’s farm. He has an old barn that I could fix up with a loan from him.”
Immediately Eric stiffens, and I rush to continue, “It’s a very generous offer, one that I shouldn’t walk away from and it’s not too far from here. You could see the baby as much as you want.”
I watch as all color drains from his face.
“That’s not what I want,” he says, and I can sense anger now so I hurry to continue.
To allow him his chance to escape.
“I know it’s not what we discussed but after today, there’s no further threat to Jenny. We don’t have to go through with something that neither one of us wanted,” I say the words to him, and even as I say them, I’m breaking my own heart.
Shaking his head, with his eyes searing into me, Eric asks bluntly, “You don’t want to marry me?”
Now it’s my turn to shake my head as I reply in as even a tone as I can, “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” he asks, his tone now biting into me.
Inhaling deeply, I reply, “I never planned to get married. Not after coming so close to marrying Jack and making the biggest mistake of my life. I know when you proposed it was only to save Jenny. Now you don’t have to so I’m letting you know you can walk away.”
Eric remains totally still, staring down at me.
A few silent seconds pass and finally he says, “I don’t want out. I want you, Alexa. Always and forever only you. I’ve held off too long in telling you this because I knew you had a lot going on and I wanted to give you time to adjust to us...” He swallows thickly, before continuing, “But I’m completely in love with you and have been since that night you seduced me on the dance floor. I know it’s true because ever since then, you were all I thought about whenever I was away from you. I want you, Alexa. Only you. Everything else that comes along with you, they are the extra perks – my reward - for loving you.”
I hold his eyes, and seeing the truth, tears brim to the surface but then one escapes to drip down over my cheek.
I must be dreaming because how could this beautiful man ever fall in love with a woman so torn apart and weighted down as me?
“Really?” I ask.
That cocky, suave smile that I love so very much sweeps across his face, giving me all the assurance that I need as he lowers his head to mine to whisper against my lips, “Really.”
_______________________________
Inhaling deeply, I step into my wedding dress and slide it up over my hips.
I say a silent thank you that it still fits and that my pregnancy is not showing yet.
Cass slides the zipper up and then I turn to face her and her wide smile.
“Wow, you look amazing,” she whispers truthfully.
Smiling, I take her hands as I reply truthfully, “You’re the best, Cass. I’m so glad you are here with me today.”
She smiles, squeezing my hands as tears fill her eyes, before she replies, “And I’m so happy to be here witnessing this.”
Then swiping at her eyes, she says, “Come on. We need to get you to the church.”
The next few minutes are then rushed as Cass gathers up our flowers, Miranda and, of course Jenny, to pile us all into the waiting limo.
My pulse races with excitement on the way to the church as I look forward to starting my new life with Eric.
Once we pull up, the side door to the church swings open, which leads to the room where I will wait until I receive my cue to begin my walk down the aisle. Hurrying inside, leaving Cass to help Miranda and Jenny out of the limo for fear of being spotted, I slip inside the room and close the door.
Turning, I spot my bouquet of flowers waiting for me.
This is it, - I silently tell myself. This is where you finally start the next part of your life.
Suddenly, I think of my parents and how they are no longer a part of my life.
Sadness creeps, unwanted, into my heart.
The door behind me opens and Cass, along with Miranda clutching tightly to Jenny’s hand, emerge with their eyes darting to me as they take in the sadness on my face.
And as a yearning for my parents sweeps through me, I know I can’t walk up that aisle on my own.
Shaking my head, a tear slips down my cheek as I whisper, “I need to see Eric.”