EDGAR ALLAN POE TO JOHN ALLAN — DECEMBER 1, 1828

 

Fort Moultrie, Charleston Hr
December 1 rst 1828.

Dear Sir,

The letter of Lieut J. Howard left by Mr John, O, Lay (sic) for your perusal will explain the cause of my writing from Fort Moultrie.

Your note addressed to Mr Lay, & inclosed by him to Lieut: Howard was handed over by the latter to myself. In that note what chiefly gave me concern was hearing of your indisposition — I can readily see & forgive the suggestion which prompted you to write “he had better remain as he is until the termination of his enlistment.” It was perhaps under the impression that a military life was one after my own heart, and that it might be possible (although contrary to the Regulations of our Army) to obtain a commission for one who had not received his education at West Point, & who, from his age, was excluded that Academy; but I could not help thinking that you beleived (sic) me degraded & disgraced, and that any thing were preferable to my returning home & entailing on yourself a portion of my infamy: But, at no period of my life, have I regarded myself with a deeper Satisfaction — or did my heart swell with more honourable pride — The time may come (if at all it will come speedily) when much that appears of a doubtful nature will be explained away, and I shall have no hesitation in appearing among my former  connexions — at the present I have no such intention, and nothing, short of your absolute commands, should deter me from my purpose.

I have been in the American army as long as suits my ends or my inclination, and it is now time that I should leave it — To this effect I made known my circumstances to Lieut Howard who promised me my discharge solely upon a re-conciliation with yourself — In vain I told him that your wishes for me (as your letters assured me) were, and had always been those of a father & that you were ready to forgive even the worst offences — He insisted upon my writing you & that if a re-conciliation could be effected he would grant me my wish. This was advised in the goodness of his heart & with a view of serving me in a double sense — He has always been kind to me, and, in many respects, reminds me forcibly of yourself.

The period of an Enlistment is five years — the prime of my life would be wasted — I shall be driven to more decided measures if you refuse to assist me.

You need not fear for my future prosperity — I am altered from what you knew me, & am no longer a boy tossing about on the world without aim or consistency — I feel that within me which will make me fulfil your highest wishes & only beg you to suspend your judgement until you hear of me again.

You will perceive that I speak confidently — but when did  ever Ambition exist or Talent prosper without prior conviction of success? I have thrown myself on the world, like the Norman conqueror on the shores of Britain &, by my avowed assurance of victory, have destroyed the fleet which could alone cover my retreat — I must either conquer or die — succeed or be disgraced.

A letter addressed to Lieut: J. Howard assuring him of your reconciliation with myself (which you have never yet refused) & desiring my discharge would be all that is necessary — He is already acquainted with you from report & the high character given of you by Mr Lay.

Write me once more if you do really forgive me [and] let me know how my Ma preserves her health, and the concerns of the family since my departure.

Pecuniary assistance I do not desire — unless of your own free & unbiassed choice — I can struggle with any difficulty. My dearest love to Ma — it is only when absent that we can tell the value of such a friend — I hope she will not let my wayward disposition wear away the love she used to have for me.

Yours respectfully & affectionately
Edgar A. Poe

P.S. We are now under orders to sail for Old Point Comfort, and will arrive there before your answer can be received — Your address then will be to Lieut: J. Howard, Fortress Monroe — the same for myself.