“Why am I here?” I asked my husband. Frank Pope’s face wasn’t the mask of sympathy it should have been. I was in a white bed in a white room that was as quiet as a church on Sunday. What was scarier than my husband’s face, was the fact that I didn’t fully remember how I’d gotten here.
“You’ve had a nervous breakdown, Anna. You wouldn’t stop ranting about Rainey killing Francis Junior. Not until the paramedics sedated you.”
The minute the words left his mouth, it all came flooding back to me. How I’d found out I was pregnant a couple of days after meeting Dr. Hicks. Frank had been overjoyed. I’d been scared to death that I’d birth another child like Rainey. Scared there was something wrong in my genes. Scared that my daughter would do something horrible….
“She did.” I shook my head because I knew he’d never believe me; not because I didn’t believe it. “Our daughter put her hand over her little brother’s mouth until he stopped breathing.”
“Frankie died because of you, Anna. His breathing was depressed because of the pills you took while you were pregnant and continued to take while you were feeding him. The doctors said he had an addiction to barbiturates. An addiction! No baby should be born on drugs.”
“They were prescribed, Frank.” My voice was weak with guilt, with resignation. “I did what the doctor said.”
“You were supposed to stop taking the pills when you found out you were pregnant.”
“I tried. I really did.” I’d woken up every morning vowing not to swallow another pill. Rainey would do something, and by lunchtime I was in the bathroom with a Miltown and a Dixie cup. “I didn’t think they’d hurt the baby.”
“But they did.”
“Aren’t you sad?” I asked because I couldn’t stop the tears that were dripping from my lashes or coursing down my cheeks. “I’m very sad.”
I saw the briefest flash of grief on my husband’s face, but it was gone before I could really register it. Maybe Rainey had gotten her coldness from him. Maybe I wasn’t the broken one.
“That’s why you’re here. To get better.”
“When am I coming home?” I looked around. Nothing about this bland place could make anyone happy. “Exactly how long have I been here?”
“Four weeks.”
His answer took my breath away. I’d have figured one, two days at the most. A month was a whole different kind of thing.
“That long?”
Frank had been standing near the bed. He stood and walked toward the door. He was quiet for a long moment. I had a weird premonition that he was going to leave and never return. Tried to shake my head, clear it. The drugs they gave me in here were so strong that I had nightmares and hallucinations. Today was the clearest that I could remember.
“You can talk to the doctors about all this sadness and when you can leave. I’m here to talk to you about something else.”
“Is Rainey okay?” I tried not to panic. Too much emotion and a nurse or orderly would be here in a heartbeat to strap me to the bed. Using my calm voice, I said, “You should take her to a psychiatrist. She’s not right. You have to know—”
“This isn’t why I came here, Anna.”
“Okay, Frank. What is it that you have to say.”
“I filed for divorce.” His voice had gone even colder. He wasn’t here to comfort me. Frank was here to get away from me—forever.
“What?” I looked around feeling like a spooked horse. Nothing was making sense.
“What you’ve been saying about our daughter, about the death of our son. I looked into it, Anna. Really did.” I’d seen his cop voice and demeanor only once. He’d been all business at the Cuyahoga County fair when a drunk man tried to grope me. Patrolman Pope was in full force right now. I didn’t like the look or sound of it. “None of it is supported by facts,” he was saying when I took in the actual words he was speaking.
“I’m not lying,” I insisted, probably sounding like the guys he rounded up on the street.
“No one is saying that you’re lying.” My husband’s voice was whisper soft. I could barely hear him from across the expanse of squeaky clean linoleum. “It’s probably the drugs plus the stress of little Frankie that has you seeing things that aren’t there. That’s what Dot says.”
“I’m not seeing bogeymen.” I was seeing them. But I was pretty sure I could separate dreams from reality.
“You’re making our four-year-old daughter out to be.”
“Does she ever look you in the eye, Frank? She talks about death all the time.”
He shook his head in a way that made me realize we were more than feet apart, there were miles between us.
“These are phases. Kids have them. All of them are little crazy people. We teach them how to be adults. We don’t give up when they act weird or act out.”
“So you admit that she’s weird.”
“Not any weirder than any other kid, Anna.”
“Are you serious about divorce?”
“I left the papers with your doctors. We’re already divorced.”
“What?” I was losing the plot. “How could you do that? I never got any papers. I never went to court.”
“Your doctors accepted them because you weren’t competent. The judge granted it on Friday.”
“Oh my gosh. Frank. I can’t believe you’ve done this.” My brain scrambled to gain purchase. “Can I see Rainey?” I might not like her right now, but I did love my daughter. Truly.
“Not now. The doctors don’t think it’s a good idea that she see you here.”
“When can I see her? Are you taking my daughter away too?”
“You don’t love her, Anna. That’s what this all comes down to. I think she’d be better off without you in her life.”
“Who’s Dot?” I already knew that she was my replacement. He’d married me only months after breaking it off with another girl. Back then I’d thought I was the lucky one. I waited with hope that Frank would give me a different answer.
“Some friends introduced me to Dorothy when you were committed. She’s been helping out with Rainey while you’ve been in here.”
“You’ve already gone and replaced me?” The question was rhetorical. “You think that you’ll have your perfect little family.” I pressed the button next to the bed. A nurse in a flawlessly pressed uniform and crisply starched hat appeared in an instant. “I’m tired. Can you get me a pill? I think I need to rest.”
“You can’t have that without the doctor’s approval.”
I started screaming. It might make me look crazy, but they thought I was crazy already. With Frank’s timeline help, scraps of memory were coming back. Screaming led to instant sedation. I just wanted something to take me away from this world. There wasn’t any reason to be here right now. I had nothing to save. My little baby boy and my family were gone.
“Mr. Pope. You’ll have to leave now,” the doctor said when he came in. My husband…ex-husband walked out without so much as a backward glance.