29.

 

It had been two weeks since their meeting, and though Gloria had spoken to Olivia a few times since, Sadie hadn't heard from her again. Sadie would've been happy if she'd never heard from Olivia again. So when she received a letter from Olivia in the mail, her heart sank. She waited a day before opening it, leaving it to sit on the kitchen counter on top of a stack of junk mail. When she finally did open it, this is what it said:

 

Dear Sadie,

 

Thank you so much for letting me see your son. Marcus is such a clever boy with so much energy. You and Kevin have done a great job.

I know that meeting me made you feel uncomfortable, but I never intended to make you feel threatened during my visit with you. My only intent was to make sure all of you knew more about who the boys really are. Knowing the truth can be enlightening, and help you make informed decisions in the future. After all, shouldn't it be all of our intentions to make the most informed decisions possible? I don't remember who it was who said it, but didn't someone once say that it is by the truth that we are made free?

Gloria has a full grasp of this concept. She seeks out truth actively. I even think that Kevin understands. It is only you who wishes to hide behind a facade you've constructed for the world. What are you afraid of? It seems to me that you are only afraid of yourself, but no matter how much time you spend looking the other way, pretending something outside of yourself is the problem the truth will never change. That is why it is my hope that you will one day be able to move past this feeling and do what is truly good for Marcus, Kevin, and you.

Anyway, I am not writing this letter to tell you about what you need to do. That isn't my place. Neither am I trying to anger you. I simply would like you, all of you, to know the truth in its starkest form.

Marcus and Jay were born to me at home on the 10th of September 2006. I didn't choose to give birth to them alone in my apartment, but they came so fast that I didn't really have much of a choice. Luckily, they were both healthy babies and the delivery went well.

In light of all that has happened to you, you must now believe in miracles. They happen around us every day. They happen whether we look for them or not, but it is only those who are looking who will truly see. The twins are a miracle that is beyond anything I was ever searching for.

I moved here to this country from Paris when I was sixteen years old. I drove my parents mad with worry, but I had to get out from under their thumbs and see the world. The world is a big place and even as a girl I knew that. I wanted to see and experience everything and I wanted to start with America. Unfortunately, I stopped here too. Sometimes life just works out that way. I married too young and for the wrong reasons. My husband was wealthy. He took me to all the finest places, but he was also unspeakably cruel. I thought I had to make a trade-off. The finest food and the best clothes in exchange for constant verbal abuse, but alas I was young and unsure of myself. I stayed with him much longer than I should have. By the time I'd found the courage to leave I didn't know anything else. I didn't know if I could be anything in life.

I've found that it is often necessary for you to hit your lowest point before you can lift yourself up again to something greater. That's what happened with me.

I realized that the only way I would ever possibly be something was if I left my husband. I secretly opened a bank account and started hiding away the money he gave me. Little by little, I watched the money build up and when I had enough, I left. I waited until he was away on a business trip. I packed one bag and left.

I didn't know how to deal with being alone though and fell into depression. I was already depressed when I was married. Leaving my husband gave me a burst of exhilaration but only for a short time. Then the depression returned worse than it ever was with him. Gloria told me how badly you wanted a baby for so long. She told me about how you suffered because of it, about how you tried everything, but nothing worked. With that experience in your past, I'm sure you can understand how dark and deep sadness can be. It can feel like it will swallow you up, but I didn't let it. I had to keep moving.

I got work as a receptionist. That was good. I got to interact with people every day, but that only made me feel more alone. I felt as if I couldn't connect with anyone. No one understood me. My friendships when I was married were all superficial, based on status. Once I was alone those friendships didn't last. They couldn't if I really wanted to rid myself of my husband.

I couldn't hold it together. I'd come home every night and collapse in an emotional heap. I wondered if my life even mattered anymore. Who did I have in this world? Who could I talk to? I was alone.

I thought about ending my own life. Admitting this now is difficult, but I cannot run from the truth. It got so bad that I'd take a knife with me to the bath and I'd fill up the tub and soak in the water with the knife sitting on the edge just in case I got up the nerve to use it. I'd made a few superficial cuts on my wrists with it in the past, but nothing bad enough to do any damage. I thought I was working up to doing it for real one day.

This had been going on for months when I found out I was pregnant. I'd started feeling sick. I was tired and nauseated much of the time. After a few weeks I decided to go to the doctor about it. That's when I found out. I was shocked. There was no way I could've been pregnant. It was physically impossible. As my belly grew and I felt them kicking inside of me, I had to accept it. Fighting against reality never helped anyone, even when reality seemed too strange to be true. That's something else I'm sure you know. We probably have more in common than you think.

I was never a very religious person. I wasn't raised going to church, my parents never spoke of God, but it was during this time that I suddenly started to pray. I prayed for help and companionship. Then it dawned on me that the mysterious infants growing inside of me were answers to those prayers. They were answers to prayers I had not yet said.

How could I deem myself unworthy to live when God had decided that I was fit to incubate these lives growing inside of me? How could I assume that my life was over, that this was the end when new life is forming all around me every day?

Even though keeping the boys was never an option for me they were exactly what I needed to keep me company in those difficult months. I stopped thinking of suicide. I talked to them when I was lonely. I sang to them in the early morning stillness. They listened and I felt as if they understood me.

I don't know how I became pregnant. That is not for me to question because I now know why I became pregnant. It was to give me the companionship I so desperately needed in my darkest hour. It was to help me heal and keep me alive. It was to help me release my fears. They helped me accomplish all of these things and when they were done it was time for them to move on to help someone else. Those people happened to be you and Gloria. When they have helped you, they will move on again. I know that you love Marcus, and you want desperately to hold on to him for as long as possible, but if you are honest with yourself you already know that what I am writing you is true. You already know that this is all temporary. Sometimes you can feel that he is moving on. Am I right?

It may be hard for you to hear this now, but what you are feeling is correct. He will move on, but it will only happen when you are ready. When it does happen it will be time for him to help someone else.

Cherish every day you have with him.

With Love,

Olivia