5.

 

When she and Kevin first got married, Sadie wanted a baby more than anything. As a teenager she always imagined herself as a mother: taking her baby for walks in a stroller, doing messy craft projects in the kitchen, visiting the classroom on parents' day, attending school plays. She would do all of the things her parents never did. A mother, a father, and two children who loved each other, laughed together, and knew that they could count on one another, that's what she wanted. She knew Kevin wanted that too. They'd talked about it often before they married. They would start a family right away. No waiting. Kevin, an only child with no living relatives, was eager to pass on his family genes.

After only a few months of marriage, Sadie started crocheting baby booties during her favorite TV shows. She greeted every month with a new pregnancy test from the drug store and every month got the same results.

Kevin watched her wearily as she moped around the house. "Babies don't make a family," he'd say. "We're already a family. Kids aren't that important, as long as we're happy."

Sadie never seemed to hear him though. Instead she bought ovulation kits, took her temperature daily, and carefully scheduled their sex life. She choked down fertility herbs with every meal, saw an acupuncturist weekly, and even got her abdomen massaged by a woman named Sunshine who smelled of patchouli and had studied massage in the Amazon rainforest. Still nothing.

As she cried in the bathroom holding another negative pregnancy test, she wondered if her husband could possibly still love her. Whenever she looked at Kevin she thought she saw disappointment behind his eyes. She felt as if his reassurances hid a deep hurt that he was too kind to admit. She wondered if he would be better off with someone else. She wondered if he thought the same thing, but dared not say it. She hadn't purposely promised a family she couldn't deliver. That was just how it had happened.

Sadie wanted Kevin to have a chance at having children of his own. He was a good man who could easily find someone else if she weren't around. That was why she decided to leave him. She left in the middle of the day without a word. Ending their marriage would be difficult, but she knew it was the best thing for him. She wanted him to be happy and she was willing to sacrifice everything, even their marriage, to give him that.

It took her two days to drive to Philadelphia from St. Pete. By the time she got to Gloria's house, she wasn't sure if she'd made the right decision at all. Doubt had wedged itself firmly in her consciousness. Each time Kevin called she held her phone in her hand reading his name on the screen, but didn't answer. Part of her was surprised he called because she'd imagined that he'd already moved on to someone new. Someone prettier and smarter and, most importantly, more fertile. One day she said that out loud to Gloria as she held her vibrating cell phone in her hand.

"You need to stop belittling yourself and answer that phone," Gloria said. "That man loves you. I don't know why you don't seem to understand that."

Sadie set the vibrating phone on the coffee table where it jumped and danced until it finally fell silent. She wondered if Kevin was silent too. She hoped he understood that she was trying to give him the space she knew he'd need to start a new life. She'd listen to the voicemails at night before she went to sleep. The deepening concern in each message made her heart ache.

On the afternoon Sadie realized she was pregnant, she fell to her knees and wept with joy in Gloria's living room. She pulled her cell phone from her purse and called Kevin for the first time in weeks. He didn't answer, but she didn't really want him to because she wasn't sure what she would say. It was much easier to record a message. "Hi. It's me. I just want to let you know that I'm okay. I'm sorry about all of this. I'm trying to do what's best for both of us. I hope you understand." A tear slid down her cheek. She hung up quickly without telling him about the pregnancy. She wanted to wait a few more weeks to make sure it went well. Many of her friends had suffered through miscarriages and she didn't want to disappoint him. She hoped he would understand, but deep down knew he wouldn't. She doubted he would take her back, not now, not after she'd taken so long to call him. Maybe a baby would help him forgive her.

 

Babies grow so quickly before they're born. Their spinal columns form like strings of pearls. Their hearts are like tiny frogs hopping in their partially formed chests. They swim like fishes in the womb unaware of the world waiting for them.

A couple of weeks turned into a couple of months and even though she talked to Kevin on the phone several times a week she still couldn't tell him. She was distant and quiet. She still didn't trust that the baby was real. She needed to see it first to be sure. She needed to hold it in her arms and know it was real before she told him.

When Sadie held Marcus for the first time, she felt his little heart beating in his chest, and saw the way he snuggled into her arms. She knew he was real. She called Kevin that evening.

"Can I come home?" she asked.

The question was met with a long silence. "I was starting to wonder if you ever would," he said. "You can never do anything like this again."

"Don't worry. I won't."

She waited a few weeks before heading back to Florida, fearful of taking a new baby on such a long journey in the car. She spent hours nervously feeding Marcus in rest stop parking lots. She cradled his downy head in her hand and rocked him back and forth in the back seat of the car.

She called Kevin at the traffic light not far from their house to let him know she was almost home. He picked up right away.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'll be home in about ten minutes." The light changed and Sadie pulled into traffic. "There is something I have to tell you before I get there."

Kevin sighed heavily into the phone. "What is it?"

"A few weeks ago ..." She took a deep breath before finishing her sentence. "A few weeks ago we had a baby boy."

"What?"

"I know it's hard to believe. I found out after I left."

"And you didn't tell me!"

"I didn't know what to do. I wanted to make sure it was true," she said.

"So you stayed in Philadelphia during your entire pregnancy. We spoke on the phone and you didn't tell me." He paused again. "Is he mine? Did you leave because you were having an affair?"

"Of course he's yours. I can't believe you're asking me that."

"You haven't lived here for a long time."

"It hasn't been that long. It's been eight months."

"That is a long time, Sadie."

She couldn't disagree because she knew he was right. "His name is Marcus. Just meet him then ...if you want...we'll go back to Philly."

Kevin looked at her with suspicion, but every time he held Marcus in his arms Sadie could see his heart melt. With time, his anger faded and they became the happy family Sadie had always dreamed of having.