The next day, I was out of bed quicker than usual. Outfits the last thing on my mind, I threw on some comfortable clothes and twisted my long hair up in a messy knot to keep it out of the way. Then I began my normal morning routine, except that this time I forced myself to use my mind wherever possible, from opening doors to fixing my morning meal. I drew the line at feeding myself however; I had hands for a reason didn’t I?
My powers awakened, tingling and flowing more easily through me. I felt more alert with them warmed up, more alive. It was like using a body part that hadn’t been in action for a while, a strain at first, but becoming easier with use. Shay had already left for work and I flew nervously to school chanting encouraging mantras to myself such as, ‘trainers are lame-all brawn no brain,’ and ‘I am Twell the power girl!’ Okay, I knew that one was pretty bad.
My self-pepping was short-lived as the morning’s training session commenced, taking over every aspect of my thought process. It was brutal; the trainers not even pretending to go easy on us. By the end of the session, I’d hit the floor at least five times and was already sporting bruises as blue-green as the mossy banks of Como’s lakes. Forced to react, there was no room to hesitate as I fought to defend myself from more injury and humiliation.
“All right students,” Brazin cut in, “I’m quite impressed with your efforts today. I didn’t expect results this promising to be honest. However, since you have shown you are all mostly capable of this task, I see no reason why we cannot progress to a more difficult challenge tomorrow.” I raised my eyebrows at the word ‘difficult.’ What did he think today was, a walk in the wetlands? “Tomorrow I want you all down at the pod park at school commencement, sharp. We will be taking a small excursion. Class dismissed.”
An excursion? Already? Normally I was all for day trips, anything to get out of the classroom for a while. However, being taken away from the school by Brazin and his trainers was not really something that appealed to me. In fact, the thought made me downright anxious.
We headed outside to the courtyard, where the pale white sky was hazy, and the air a little warmer than usual. Escaping Marz, I moved off by myself, eager for a moment to myself after so much intense interaction. In the warm sunlight, my back against the courtyard wall, I closed my eyes and stretched, releasing the tension I realized they held. Reaching up, I released the knot in my hair that had been giving me a headache all morning. I shook it out so it fell around my shoulders and down my back in loose waves.
“That’s very distracting you know,” Jonaz’s voice, low and husky, and right in my ear made me jump. My eyes flew open.
“Excuse me?” I snapped, immediately on guard. I eyed him peevishly as he gazed steadily back, his black eyes rich and mocking.
“Your hair, it’s a beautiful colour,” he replied. Reaching out, he ran the long, coppery-brown strands lightly through his fingers. I bristled with outrage. How dare he? Who did he think he was? Oh, that’s right...Jonaz Maven.
“Don’t you have a girlfriend to be off consoling?” I hissed, smacking his hand away.
“Stelli? She’s not really my girlfriend Twell. We’re just really good friends, you know.”
“No, I certainly do not know.” I glared at him. “And I somehow doubt Stelli does either. She definitely wants to share DNA with you.” Jonaz chuckled in amusement.
“No she doesn’t Twell.” He stepped in closer, “you really don’t need to worry about her, we are truly just friends, but it’s interesting that you care.” His mouth curved into a smirk as he causally leaned an arm on either side of me against the wall, blocking my escape.
“I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I really don’t.” I fought to stay calm. Jonaz said nothing, but he leaned in a little closer. I pressed back into the wall in alarm, my temper starting to heat up. My fingers curled into fists at my sides. “Oh, and I don’t need your help either, so stop doing me favours, because I don’t owe you anything okay?” He raised his eyebrows at me, looking confused.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” he said wide-eyed. What a pretender.
“What do you want, Jonaz?” I replied, deciding to call his bluff. He was too close now, leaning in. His scent was spicy and warm, distracting, but I refused to move away first. Besides, I was the one backed against the wall.
“I want to know what I’ve done to offend you.” His tone became serious. “Why do you dislike me so much?” His dark eyes probed mine questioningly, and suddenly he looked less sure of himself. I was sure his slightly vulnerable expression wasn’t sincere though. I certainly wouldn’t be falling for it.
“Just being your usual arrogant self is enough,” I replied tersely, desperately trying to hide the fact that this conversation and his too close proximity to my body were making me more and more agitated. Couldn’t this guy deal with just one female in the whole school not liking him? Sheesh, this just proved my point.
“You don’t like confident guys?” he grinned as he moved in closer, his breath warm on my cheek.
“Confident? Yes. Self-absorbed prats? No,” I retorted. “Especially ones who change their girlfriends like they change their undies.”
“Aha!” Jonaz threw back his head laughing in delight.“So what, did I dump one of your friends? Or wait, could it be you’re jealous I never noticed you before?” His eyes burned into mine, and my heart began beating frantically, my cheeks flushing in horror.
“Ha! As if I would ever care,” I returned lamely, and then mentally slapped myself. Blood pumped hot and burning into my face now. I couldn’t help it; he was just so infuriating.
“Well.” He smiled casually closing the distance between our bodies with one more step. He swooped his head down so his mouth was inches from mine. “I’ve noticed you now. Forgive me?” That did it, he was practically begging for it. So angry I was shaking, in a blind fury I closed my eyes and pitched my energy at him. I had him off his feet in an instant, sending him flying into a group of second year girls who had just stepped out into the courtyard. Squealing and shrieking, they all toppled over with Jonaz landing heavily on top.
I stormed off without looking back, my chest heaving, my blood still pounding in my temples. Marz and Mekai gaped at me, their mouths hanging open as I stomped furiously past them.
“Wha...?” Marz began.
“Don’t ask!” I snapped as I passed, my head shrieking all the comebacks I should have said, rather than resorting to using my powers like the tantrum thrower I was. Behind me I could hear Jonaz absolutely roaring in delight, as a chorus of female voices gasped and clucked around him with, ‘Are you all right? Are you hurt? Can I help you?’ and so on.
I walked faster trying to squeeze my ears shut in disgust. Thank the stars; I spotted Dash and Meela on the other side of the courtyard, waving at me like a safety beacon I desperately needed to reach. Unfortunately, I’d attracted more attention than I’d realized. As Jonaz and I had argued, students had spilled from the building, and a sea of curious faces stared at me with expressions ranging from wariness to fascination. Whoops. I scanned apprehensively for teachers but luckily, they weren’t out yet. I hurried the last few lengths to my friends, who’d clearly witnessed the whole thing from the way their eyes were bugging out of their heads.
“What was that all about?” Meela demanded, staring over at Jonaz and the posse of girls still fussing over him as he made the most of their attention. She turned and gave me an accusing stare, almost like I’d been holding out information on her. Dash gawked, as if he was half-impressed, half-concerned I might be deranged.
“Not discussing,” I warned through clenched teeth.
“Er...okay,” Meela gave in. “But maybe you should learn to control your temper around him, or it’s going to get you into trouble.” I nodded in complete agreement.
“Let’s just talk about something else,” I pleaded, still refusing to look anywhere near the direction of Jonaz. I was paranoid I could still feel his laughing eyes on my back. “Where’s Chaz?” I added, as if I didn’t already know.
“He caught Mira coming out of the hall,” Dash replied. “He said they needed to sort some stuff out.”
“Good luck,” I grimaced. “She’s not in a very pleasant mood today.”
“Is she ever?” Dash snorted. “She’s so threatened by you she can barely contain herself.”
“What?” I replied, astounded. “What are you talking about? She’s not threatened by me, she hates my guts!”
Dash raised his eyebrows.
“Nothing intimidates that girl, she’s ruthless,” I stubbornly insisted.
“Yeah...because she’s threatened,” Dash insisted. “You have a close bond with Chaz, and she wants to match with him. How do you think that makes her feel?”
“Oh...well... I guess she wouldn’t like that so much.”
“Do you think she’s threatened by your power too?” Meela asked. I laughed.
“No way. Hers is way scarier than mine. She’s better than all of us practically.”
“Scary?” Dash widened his eyes.
“Yes, really.” I would probably think twice about picking a fight with her now I knew what she was capable of. I didn’t know if I could deflect her power like the trainers had. “I suppose I should apologize to her,” I said crankily.
“What? As opposed to rolling your eyes at her?” Meela teased with a provoking grin.
“Ha ha. I’m serious! I have enough to deal with at the moment, without worrying about Mira hunting me down over Chaz.”
“Why, you haven’t done anything wrong,” Meela pointed out.
“Mmm...apart from telling her she has a crap personality in front of the other training students,” I grudgingly admitted.
“Ohhhh, you didn’t?” Meela groaned. Dash laughed.
“She was irritating me!” I whined in self-defence. “Anyway, I’ll try and talk to her, apologize at least.”
“Well, good luck with that,” Meela teased. “I didn’t think I’d lose my best friend at such a young age.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I retorted.
“Ah just kidding. I have faith in you, even if you doubt yourself.”
“No I don’t,” I said quickly. “I’m just not as sure of myself as Mira is. She doesn’t hesitate you know, like there’s something more than Comian duty driving her.’
“Like her fiery temper?” Dash smirked.
“It’s more than that. There’s some bigger emotion lurking there.” What could it be? I wondered if Chaz knew, and if he did would he even tell me?
“Well, don’t worry about her, just focus on what drives you,” Meela suggested.
“Fear?” I offered.
“What? Not a burning desire to save the planet?” Meela pulled a face in mock horror.
“At this point more of a desire to make it through class in one piece.” Dash’s smile evaporated. He looked at me in a way I was beginning to recognize and my heart sank. Disappointment. Everywhere I turned; it was there, in the eyes of the people I cared about. The isolation I felt in that moment pulled me down. It felt like I’d never shed the burden of guilt from my shoulders. Meela glared at Dash, elbowing him hard in the ribs. He yelped and eyed her balefully.
“Find your own motivation in your own way Twell,” she encouraged kindly. “We believe in you, don’t we Dash?” Her tone conveyed a warning. Dash nodded, smiling apologetically. But, it was too late. I’d seen the truth in his eyes, and my spirit was troubled. I spent the rest of my break trying not to look hopefully out of the corner of my eyes for Chaz, while at the same time trying not to look to see if Jonaz was still looking at me. My eyeballs were exhausted, and when break ended and I turned back towards the building, Jonaz wasn’t even there. I hoped he was off doing the right thing by Stelli, whatever the right thing was.
I didn’t have any classes with Chaz in the afternoon, so I had to wait until after school to try to find him. When school ended, I dashed out into the halls, on the hunt. It didn’t take long, his sandy hair visible above the throng of students pushing their way outside to freedom. As I got nearer, I saw that he was with Mira. They stood gazing at each other, in the middle of the hall, students flowing past them. A few people were staring in open curiosity at such a moment of careless intensity. Others turned away, embarrassed, or fearful even to be in the vicinity of such risky behaviour.
He wasn’t touching her, and there was a decent enough space between them. That would have been too dangerous, and some jealous student (no, actually not me) would have reported them for sure. But, it was the way he looked at her that made my heart stop. Seemingly oblivious to everyone, Mira stared up at him with a tender expression I wouldn’t have thought her cold face was capable of making. My stomach twisted into knots. I tore my gaze away and keeping to the walls, slunk past them unnoticed. My heart squeezed painfully as I walked slowly to the pod park on my own, students chattering and laughing around me. Some of my classmates called out in greeting and I nodded back numbly.
They were in love. There was no denying what I’d just seen. Somehow they’d found what most of us would never have the chance to find. Who was I to come in the way of that? If they dared to experience love while they could, maybe they were the lucky ones after all. No wonder Mira was so protective of what they had, she might only have it for a little longer. I wondered how she could bear it, and for the first time I felt something like empathy towards her.
Suddenly, I noticed there was an unusual amount of whispering going on around me. There was also a lot of staring in my direction. What the heck? I tried pretending not to notice, but I couldn’t help overhearing snatches of conversations, people glancing sideways at me as they passed.
“Her name’s Twell,” said one girl to her friend as they unsubtly checked me out.
“Is that her? What did you say her power was?”
“I don’t know. I dare you to ask her.”
“No way! You ask!” So, that was it. Word was clearly out about the training. Uncomfortable with the attention, I walked faster towards my pod. Just as I reached it, I cast a paranoid glance over my shoulder, and my eyes fell on Chaz striding towards me. Alone. His eyes met mine and I felt the old electric shock jump feebly in my chest.
“Hey, Twell,” he greeted me. He reached out to touch my cheek but I flinched, jumping back out of reach.
“Where’s Mira?” I asked, nervously looking around for her. She was probably lurking nearby somewhere, ready to accuse and throw a tantrum; shock me with her stupid powers.
“She went to the Lonely Galaxy with her friends,” he replied. Taking my elbow, he gently steered me towards my pod.
“Okay,” I replied relieved. I really didn’t feel like facing her gloating right now.
“So I thought you and I could hang out at my pad for a while if you aren’t too busy?” He leaned against my pod, smiling enticingly.
“At yours?” I hadn’t been to Chaz’s since he and Mira had got together, and I definitely hadn’t hung out alone with him since Ms. Possessive had practically put a tracking device on him. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea.” My reply surprised both of us as the words exited my mouth. Giving up an opportunity to be alone with him wasn’t like me at all, but I was hurting, and I’d planned on going home to lick my wounds and sulk.
“It’s okay, my parents will be there, you don’t need to worry.” He meant that it wasn’t appropriate to socialize as a boy and girl, unless there were adults about to chaperone or watch over us. But, I must have looked very doubtful, because he added, “Mira trusts me too, Twell. She also knows my friendship with you is very important to me. She’ll be fine with it.” Aha. So she didn’t know. Yet. Oh well, at least I could have a few hours of bliss before I died a slow and painful death. “So you’ll come over?” Chaz persisted, dazzling me with the full force of engaging smile. I actually hesitated. If I went, wasn’t I just leading myself on? Or, could spending time with him again help me get over this hopeless crush? “What is it?” Chaz eyed me quizzically.
“I don’t really want to hang in your room if that’s where you and Mira...you know...”
“Sorry?” Chaz frowned, his eyes clouding in confusion.
“Er...you know...mate...make sweet sweet love... partake in physical union, stoke the sweet fires of...”
“Twell stop!” Chaz held up a hand, cutting me off. His face was so stern I blinked in surprise. He’d never been cross with me before.
“Er, sorry, none of my business of course,” I stammered turning red.
“No Twell, I mean, Mira and I aren’t doing...that! I’m surprised you would assume so.” He stared at me with a hurt expression.
“But, I thought...ah...the other day...”
“I understand what you thought, Twell, but I would never allow myself to be with Mira in that way when she isn’t officially mine.”
Chaz looked at me so solemnly I felt horrified at my presumption. I opened my mouth to apologize but he cut me off again. “Firstly, I would never ask her to do something so blatantly and seriously illegal, as much as I want to. Secondly, how could I do something as intimate as that with her when...when I might have to endure losing her to another man if she’s not meant for me?” Chaz’s voice rose passionately, his eyes full to the brim with emotion. “It would kill me and it wouldn’t be right, Twell. It’s not my right... not until I know for sure.” Shame flooded me as I stood gaping at my best friend. What had I been thinking? I should have known he’d never compromise his values, no matter how strong his feeling for Mira were.
“I’m sorry Chaz; it’s just that you’ve already risked your heart, even our laws to be with her in other ways.” I frowned, still a little confused despite my embarrassment. “Where is the boundary?”
“You’re right I know,” he said regretfully. “I’ve been warned to stop seeing her, and I know I should.”
“Warned?” I gasped. “By who?” Chaz sighed, his face creasing with sudden weariness.
“We must have been reported to Ms. Zarian by some students who don’t approve of our feelings, because she delivered a firm message from the Governing Body suggesting that I’ll have to be moved to finish my schooling elsewhere if we can’t act appropriately.”
“Oh, Chaz.” So the rumours were true. If they weren’t careful, our leaders would simply separate them, cut off hope before it could become anything stronger, or uncontrollable.
“But I can’t seem to stay away from her, Twell. Despite our laws. I just hope what little we have now can be enough, if we can’t be together.” I was quiet, contemplating his position. I wouldn’t want to be in it, and I knew in my heart that I couldn’t put myself through it, not even to be with Chaz. Some risks were just too dangerous, and risks of the heart were deadly in our world. “I’m sorry I haven’t spent much time with you lately,” he said after a while.
“S’okay,” I mumbled, looking down. “I understand. You’re in... love.” I regretted saying it as soon as the words were out.
“Yes, you know, I think I am, Twell,” he replied softly.
When I looked up at him his eyes were shining, the corners of his mouth curving bashfully. Just like that, my heart burst. It slid down into my stomach, deflated, leaving a dull empty ache in my hollow chest. I would never forgive myself if I cried in front of him now. Then he would know. I tried to think of an appropriate response, biting back bitter disappointment.
“You’re so lucky,” I said, when I felt the words could sound true. “You’ve had the chance to experience love.” Hurt choked up in my throat, and I couldn’t quite disguise the pain that caught in my voice. I couldn’t look at him.
“Hey,” Chaz said. He reached out, tipping up my chin so I was forced to look at him. I shuddered involuntarily. His eyes were filled with concern. “Are you okay?”
“Of course,” I lied. “I’m happy for you and Mira...happy that you’re happy...” I trailed off, rolling my eyes desperately towards the sky. The tears were threatening to escape.
“What is it?” he pressed, his eyes full of concern.
Oh no. Why was he making this harder?
“I’m scared Chaz,” I blurted, looking him in the eye. “I’m afraid of my future, afraid I’ll never get a chance to experience loving someone, or knowing how it feels to be loved. I’m afraid to trust our leaders to choose for me. I’m afraid I’ll be repulsed by my match, and then there’s this training... Maybe I won’t even have to worry about it because I’ll go off to war and...”
Chaz cut me off, pulling me into his arms, hugging me fiercely. But, I continued on, the words muffled into his shirt. “I just want the choice!” I cried, taking a ragged breath. I had to calm down. There were still people around, people staring. People who might tell Mira they saw Chaz and I canoodling in the pod park. Chaz didn’t speak. Instead, he tightened his arm around me, smoothing my hair. There was nothing he could say that could undo my destiny, but his arms around me, just for a little while, were warm and comforting. He made me feel like everything would be okay.
After a while, I made an indication to move, and felt his arms release me. I raised my eyes bashfully to his, but he was looking at me so kindly it eased my embarrassment.
“Sorry about that,” I muttered. “I didn’t mean to down your up.” Chaz just laughed, ruffling my hair playfully.
“Don’t be. It makes perfect sense. It’s okay to be scared Twell. I am too you know.”
I nodded sadly. It must be horrifying, wondering if you would lose the one you loved. At least I could spare myself that pain.
“You’re like family to me,” he added, “I’d feel I’d lost a sister if anything happened to you.”
Oh dear cosmos. Luckily, my heart was already smushed, because otherwise that would have been the kicker. Geez. I really wished he’d said this a lot earlier on in the friendship. It could have spared me moons of, well, mooning over him.
“I wish...I wish I could protect you,” he said his eyes suddenly anguished, “but I don’t know how.” My lips quirked at the irony; if only he knew.
“It’s okay, Chaz,” I lied. “Just listening to my self-pitying rants is enough for me.”
His laughter broke the tension, and then he wisely changed the subject, asking me a little about training and how I felt I was doing. So I talked, Chaz chuckling away at my not very anonymous descriptions and critiques of the others. Too bad if I was telling too much. Who else could hear to judge or report me? By the time I was done, it had gotten darker, but I felt lighter. Chaz opened the door of my pod for me. After I settled in, he leaned on the door, bending down to face me.
“Sure you’re okay?” His eyes searched mine carefully for the truth.
“I’m okay,” I half whispered, gazing up at him. He was so close he could have leaned down a little more and kissed me. He didn’t of course; the thought wouldn’t even have crossed his loyal mind.
Smiling, he backed away so I could lift off. I tried very hard not to look back down at him as I flew away, and I managed it.
As I flew home, I thought about how important Chaz’s friendship was to me. It was worth more than my mixed up feelings for him, I knew that much. The most comforting thing was that I knew no matter what, he’d always be there for me. As a friend only of course, but he’d still be there, and I for him. Life was complicated enough right now without wasting my time over feelings that would never be reciprocated. I began to want something else for him, and it was the chance to control his own destiny, even if it was already predestined, even if it seemed impossible. For the first time, I made a wish for Chaz that wasn’t to benefit myself. I wished he could choose. Even if he didn’t choose me.