I’ve got my headphones on while I vacuum the apartment in my heels. I’m working on the lyrics of “You Know I’m No Good” by Amy Winehouse. My goal is to be able to perform all the songs on the Back to Black album by Christmas.
Mom comes home from work looking exhausted. She’s looked haggard ever since she found out Dad was fooling around with Becky. Mom is standing there, frozen in the living room, holding a bag of groceries.
“Are those my heels?” she asks.
“I bought them at The Bay.”
“I’m not sure what the right answer to that question was,” she says. “Careful with those things. You’ll hurt yourself.”
I turn the vacuum cleaner off and hear more keys in the door.
“Is anyone home?” Ed shouts.
“Me and Mom are,” I shout back.
“Ivan is with me!”
I have two seconds to get rid of my heels before Ed and Ivan come into the living room. I see the open closet where we keep the vacuum cleaner and launch each heel into it like I’m making a field goal. I rush to close the closet door just as Ed and Ivan come into the room, their cheeks still red from playing a pick-up game of hockey.
“Hey, Ivan,” I say. “Long time no see.”
“Yes,” Ivan says. “I don’t believe we’ve seen each other since the high school dance.”
“I believe you are correct,” I say.
Ed looks at us awkwardly.
“I’m not sure what that was about,” Ed says. “Let me drop off my equipment and change before we head out.”
I wait for Ed to leave the room and whisper to Ivan, “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you text to give me a heads up?”
“I haven’t had time!” Ivan whispers back. “I need to tell you something quick. Ed told his friend Randall that I’m gay. Now Randall wants to go out on a date with me.”
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t say anything. I wanted to tell you first.”
“Do you want to go on a date with Randall?”
“I barely know the guy. We talked for all of ten minutes at the dance.”
“He’s good-looking though,” I say.
“He’s very good-looking,” Ivan says.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was agreeing with you!” Ivan says. “Ed is going to come out of that room any minute now. What do you want me to do?”
“This is a lot of pressure to put on me out of the blue,” I say. “Do I have to give you an answer right now?”
“Think about it and text me later,” Ivan says.
Ed walks into the living room and sees us chatting intensely.
“Everything all right?” he asks.
“I still can’t get over what an amazing job Josh did on this couch,” Ivan says. He follows Ed toward the door, then stops to mouth, “Text me.”
I sit there for a minute, not believing what I just heard. Of course, I don’t want Ivan going on a date with Randall. They’re perfect for each other. If Randall takes his shirt off in front of Ivan, it’s game over between us.
“I’m stepping out, Mom,” I shout toward
the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” she asks. “I was just about to start dinner.”
“I’m just going to check in on Bill downstairs really quick.”
“You hate that guy!”
“We kissed and made up. TTFN.”
I run downstairs to Miss Bill’s apartment. He answers the door wearing a silk robe and his face is covered in cream.
“Code blue, code blue,” I say, pushing past him into the apartment.
“Is someone having a heart attack? Should I
call 911?”
“Worse. My brother set up my rival, Randall, on a date with Ivan.”
“Did Ivan accept?”
“He wants me to decide for him.”
“Then tell him no!”
“What if Ivan resents me for telling him not to go on the date? Wouldn’t it be better if let him go on the date? That way he can find out for himself that Randall is a jerk.”
“Why not tell your brother you’re dating
his friend?”
“And risk Ed spilling the beans about my drag ambitions?”
“Didn’t you tell your so-called rival you do drag? He could tell Ivan as easily as your brother.”
“I follow Randall on Twitter. He only ever talks about himself.”
“What’s a Twitter?” Miss Bill asks. “Never mind, I don’t care. You could put an end to all this if you told Ivan you do drag.”
“But that could end my relationship with Ivan faster than Randall,” I say. “At the same time, without drag, I’m running out of ways to keep in him interested in me unless I want to tell him about my homework.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Miss Bill says. “You’re a lovely boy. In the brief time we’ve spent with each other, I can tell that you’re very creative and talented. I’m sure that’s what Ivan is attracted to.”
“What if I do tell Ivan not to go out with Randall? Won’t he just wonder what he’s missing out on?”
“There’s always going to be someone better out there, even if it’s only for a couple of hours,” Miss
Bill says.
“You’re no comfort whatsoever.”
“You could always let Ivan go on the date and then follow him in drag.”
“That idea is so ridiculous it might actually work.”
“What’s a drag mother for if not ridiculous ideas made while getting drunk on dirty martinis?”
I give Miss Bill a peck on the forehead and get face cream all over my lips. I go back upstairs and text Ivan that he should go on the date with Randall. Then I text the Wonder Twins and ask them if they want to go on an adventure.