I close my eyes trying to focus. I’ve been mending this shirt for so long that I’m seeing two of my needle. Something has to give soon. I don’t like who I am these days. My poor kids are going to forget they have a mom who loves them. I’m putting too much on them. Maggie is practically raising the lot of them—especially Petal and Mary. I put my sewing down and decide to go outside for a bit. The cool air may help me. As I make it outside Petal and Cyan come running in the house.
“Hey, you varmints. Where have you been this early on a Saturday?”
“I…We… Mommy, I got to pee!” Petal whines, taking off running. That child pees so much it’s a wonder she doesn’t float away.
“We wanted to help Jansen feed the horses, but he was already gone,” Cyan mumbles. “I’m going to go back to bed, Mom. It’s too early.”
“But you—”
“It’s Saturday, Mom,” he interrupts, like that explains it all and maybe it does. I shake my head and walk outside on the porch.
I should be counting my blessings. I have a little time to myself. The other kids are all sleeping and I just put Mary back down about thirty minutes ago. She’s recovering from an earache and hasn’t been sleeping much at night. It will probably take me months to get that child back on a regular schedule.
I lean against the old porch bannister and watch the sun rise up in the sky. There’s a definite chill in the air, but somehow just seeing the sun makes me feel warmer. I don’t know what it is about a sun rising in the sky and bathing the world in its light, but it always makes me feel…hopeful.
“You’re damn crazy,” Jansen growls, jerking me out of my thoughts.
“You’ll have to come up with something better than that to get my attention,” I snap back, wondering what in the hell has got him upset now.
“Lady, that’s just it. I don’t want your attention.”
For some reason his words hurt.
Which is crazy.
I don’t want a man and I sure don’t want this man. He’s unstable as they come and I honestly have no idea what has set him off this time.
“Then why are you up here sounding like a bee flew up your ass and is stinging you where the sun don’t shine?”
“I got your little present,” he growls and waits like he thinks I should understand exactly what that means. Then, I remember I had Green take him a piece of red velvet cake last night with his dinner. I don’t usually send him dessert, and thought it would be a nice surprise.
Apparently, I was wrong.
“You’re welcome?” I half question, because why someone would get bent out of shape because you sent them a piece of cake is beyond me.
“I’m forty-four,” he barks.
“Okay…”
“I’ve been single a lot of those years, Ida Sue.”
“Must be your sunny disposition,” I mutter sarcastically.
“I’m not in the market to be your next baby daddy!”
I’m glad at that point that the porch post is behind me. I’m used to people whispering and spewing their venom. I ignore them and hold my head high—much like Orville taught me. Still, this time, hearing it from Jansen is painful. I didn’t expect it.
“I don’t remember asking you,” I respond and I’m kind of proud of myself, because I managed to keep the pain out of my voice. Actually, I kept any emotion out of my voice.
“So, what was your little present about, then?” he says, his tone accusing me of something that I just can’t wrap my mind around.
“I was being nice! Clearly, that was a waste of effort!” I yell, tired of this crap.
What is it with me that turns men into raving lunatics?
Raving, lying, lunatics.
“Nice? You’re nuttier than a fruitcake if you think that was being nice.”
“Some people would think it was very nice!”
“Then, that explains why you have a hundred kids.”
I slap him. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t even think about it. It was pure, gut instinct. But, I don’t regret it.
Not one damn bit.
“My life, the way I choose to live it, and especially my kids are none of your damn business, Jansen Reed.” I tell him, my voice so cold and quiet that I wouldn’t be surprised if it began snowing around us.
I’m shaking with anger and the only solace I can find is the redness that is on his face from my hit. I curl my hand into a fist to resist the urge to hit him again. I watch as he brings his hand up to his jawline and holds it there. His eyes appraising me.
“You’re right,” he says, surprising me. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You damn sure shouldn’t have. Maybe we don’t see eye to eye on what constitutes being nice for someone.”
“Well, I think that’s pretty clear. I think most people would feel exactly the way I do. Have you ever thought about getting therapy, Lady?”
“Have you ever thought about what it would feel like to have buckshot in your hind end? Because you’re about to find out.”
“You beat all I’ve ever seen,” he mutters, yanking his hat off and running his hand through his hair. I refuse to think that’s sexy in any way, shape, or form.
“Listen, I need you to work here on the ranch, at least until I can find a replacement. I’m pretty sure you need the job or you wouldn’t be here.”
He doesn’t reply, but I push on through.
“Let’s just make a deal for now. I’ll make sure I don’t go out of my way to be nice to you and you stay away from me. We’ll only talk about the ranch—that’s when we have to talk at all, and that’s it. Can we agree on that?”
“Fine. As long as you get it through your head that I don’t want to be the next in line to give you a kid.”
“I’m not planning on having more kids! Jesus, I can’t anyway!”
“Then, what was the gift about?!?!” he yells back.
“How does a piece of cake make you think I want you to knock me up?” I ask, exasperated.
“Cake? What are you talking about?”
“I sent you a piece of red velvet cake last night. Didn’t you get it?”
“Cake? Well, yeah, but that’s not what I’m talking about… Unless… Was that part of warming me up, too?”
“Warming you up? You really are insane. I wouldn’t warm you up if it was Thanksgiving Dinner and you were the turkey!”
“That makes no sense at all.”
“I don’t have to make sense!”
“Well that’s damn clear!”
“Do you think you could tell me what has you so upset?” I sigh, that headache I had earlier starting to throb.
“That damn box of condoms you left on my desk!”
“Condoms?” I ask, thoroughly confused.
“Exactly that! Along with that damn book on the female… you know!”
“I don’t think I do know.”
“That damn book you left to explain where the female watch-a-ma-jigger is!”
I hold my head down. I’m smelling rats here and it is rats about the age of eleven and five.
“Let me get this straight. You somehow got it in your head that I sent you a present of condoms and a book detailing the female…area—”
“There’s no point in denying it, just because I’m confronting you about it. You signed it for damn sake. If you’re going to send something like that at least own up to it.”
“I don’t know who signed it, or whatever, Mr. Reed, but I can assure you, it wasn’t me.”
“What? Then why—”
“I have no idea, but I intend to find out. Still, just for the sake of argument here, let’s say I did send it. How would me sending you condoms make you think I was trying to make you become a daddy? Seems to me the opposite would be true,” I tell him logically.
I watch as his face changes slowly, and embarrassment creeps up it. Then he narrows his eyes, beats down that emotion and annoyance flares back up on him.
I don’t know how I can read him that clearly, but I can.
“As long as we’re clear that I’m not a candidate to be your—”
“Trust me, I wouldn’t think of you as a candidate to do anything for me except run this ranch,” I respond, my voice is once again cold.
“Fine then!”
“Fine.” I cross my arms at my waist and wait for him to leave—or say something else to piss me off.
He looks at me, his frown increases, and then he slaps his hat back on top of his head and turns to leave. He stomps off about three steps before he stops. When he turns back around to look at me, his eyes are narrowed.
“I’ll have you know I am not a size small.”
I blink, so sudden is the topic change that I don’t understand.
“I don’t—”
“You women are all the same. You think a man only has one role in your lives and that’s not fucking true. I might not have fathered children, Lady, but I know how to use what I got.”
“Mr. Reed—”
“And it might be worthless when it comes to making babies, but it sure as fuck ain’t small! It’s big! You got that?”
“I—”
“Really big!”
He turns around and leaves after delivering that.
There’s a lot to take in from that. I’m not sure I understand it completely, but I get the idea that Jansen might have had the same luck with women that I used to have with men. I’m even pretty sure he has his own scars to deal with.
Scars that need fixed.
But, that’s not my job.
Not in the slightest.
Jansen Reed is not my cow.
Not my cow, not my pasture, and not my meadow muffins. Therefore, not my concern.
Petal and Cyan though? They are and they’ve got some explaining to do. I turn to go back inside.
It’s going to be a long ass day.
“Petal? Cyan? You two get your butts down these stairs right now!” I yell, forgetting I have a sleeping Mary to worry about. When she starts crying through the monitor I want to cry myself.
Yep.
A long freaking day.